Can you ever be platonically friends with xMM?

[bewell]

Without rehashing my A story, I'll get to the main points of recent turn of events...

 

First of all he decided to return home after a year of living separately from his W. It was during that period where he was thinking of legally ending the marriage. A year prior to that was the same thing. Anyway this went on for 2.5 years until he moved back in with W.

 

Between April to the present time he would go in phases where he would contact me out of the blue, usually via text and in other ways he could. He would find me somewhere in social media with a new account/profile and contant me through there. Sometimes he would disappear for a week, two, three, and a month and a half depending on his feelings of missing and longing for me and how it's driving him crazy from suppresing it and the cycle begins again...

 

The times (around 4?) I gave it chance and resumed connection with him was because I felt bad for him and I can feel and see how important it is for him to have me in his life as a friend and he still deeply cares for me (his words). I know that's probably not good judgement for me because we all know what happens, right? it starts off nice and slow and it picks up from there and before you know it you're in an emotional affair. I think the reason why xMM thinks it's okay to reach out to me under the premise of "friends only" is because he told himself that he will not let this go toward anything physical. Is he convinced that it will stay that way or is he being delusional? I mean he says physical contact with me now is impossible since he is living back at home with W and that he is a changed man with a focus on being a husband and a grandfather.

 

Fast forward to the week of thanksgiving. Just when I thought I am flying off the radar on twitter, I get a random request and message from - HIM! At first I didn't know who it was because he didn't use his name or anything that would flag me to realize that it's him. So I stupidly approved his request. A few days later I realized it was him and suddenly deleted him as my follower. Guess what? a few hours later, he was back requesting to accept him. This time I left it alone and blocked. Well, about a day later, he comes around again with a new account (and a different name). I had an inkling it was him and without inquring with my head, I approved it. STUPID. I know. We've been talking since and it's cordial, light, and friendly. He reiterated that it's important for me to be part of his life as a good friend. We did not discuss his marriage but I can sense things aren't going well as he had hoped. I was under the impression that he would be over me by now since it's almost 8 months post-breakup. He enjoys having me to talk to, have intelligent conversations, and etc because he doesn't get that from his W due to the fact that she's a foreigner with cross-cultural differences. And before anyone says "how do you know that?", well, his own family as well as friends witnessed/witnesses this and I've beent old the same thing.

 

I am over xMM. I've let go of the relationship we once had and the fantasy of "maybe one day"...

Talking to him is easier now compared to how it was the couple of times before because my emotions are detached and distant. Do you still think we would regress from being just talking as friends to the bubble we were in before?

 

 

So...what do I do now? Is it ever possible to be just friends with an xMM/AP?

Edited November 28, 2016 by bewell

[eye of the storm]

No.

 

I thought I could. I thought I was calm and rational enough. People told me I was an idiot to try. But nope, I was a special little snowflake and I could succeed where so many had tried and failed.

 

I was wrong. Once you have been there, there is really no going back. I have been able to stay friends with pretty much all of my xboy-friends. And I am friendly/polite with my xH. But I couldn't stay friends with my xMM. To much baggage and to much pain. Our friendship was easy and supportive. But as time passed we reverted back to old habits. And that included the A.

 

He is slowly sliding back into your life. It is easier to get an old AP than groom a new AP. You are easy.

 

He is not your friend. He is looking to restart the A.

 

No you cannot be friends.

[bewell]

No.

 

I thought I could. I thought I was calm and rational enough. People told me I was an idiot to try. But nope, I was a special little snowflake and I could succeed where so many had tried and failed.

 

I was wrong. Once you have been there, there is really no going back. I have been able to stay friends with pretty much all of my xboy-friends. And I am friendly/polite with my xH. But I couldn't stay friends with my xMM. To much baggage and to much pain. Our friendship was easy and supportive. But as time passed we reverted back to old habits. And that included the A.

 

He is slowly sliding back into your life. It is easier to get an old AP than groom a new AP. You are easy.

 

He is not your friend. He is looking to restart the A.

 

No you cannot be friends.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong and that I don't believe you, but you really think that's what he's doing after he has mentioned many times over that he want's me as a friend? I'm not trying to sound naive nor am I making excuses for myself or xMM. I've never been in this situation before so I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe this time he JUST wants to be friends and I'll be okay with that, I guess?

[eye of the storm]

I'm sorry. Its been tried. By more than a few on this board. By me. And it will be slow and smooth and you will be quite surprised when you look back and realize all the time you spend texting him talking to him emailing him. Then when the EA is firmly back in place, it will turn physical again.

 

Im sorry.

 

And I say this gently, you are being naïve and making excuses. For me its obvious because you are treading a path I spent years on. Get out while you can.

 

Good luck.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

 

So...what do I do now? Is it ever possible to be just friends with an xMM/AP?

 

In theory, I guess, assuming you are over him. But he is not looking to be your friend. And you could easily slide backwards.

 

If you are married, it will only hurt and threaten your marriage. If you are single, no new guy will feel comfortable with this situation.

[bewell]

I'm sorry. Its been tried. By more than a few on this board. By me. And it will be slow and smooth and you will be quite surprised when you look back and realize all the time you spend texting him talking to him emailing him. Then when the EA is firmly back in place, it will turn physical again.

 

Im sorry.

 

And I say this gently, you are being naïve and making excuses. For me its obvious because you are treading a path I spent years on. Get out while you can.

 

Good luck.

 

Sigh. So he's working my strings.

He is more convinced that is whill stay as a friends ONLY zone. He is going ever so slowly and very carefully...

[bewell]

I'm sorry. Its been tried. By more than a few on this board. By me. And it will be slow and smooth and you will be quite surprised when you look back and realize all the time you spend texting him talking to him emailing him. Then when the EA is firmly back in place, it will turn physical again.

 

Im sorry.

 

And I say this gently, you are being naïve and making excuses. For me its obvious because you are treading a path I spent years on. Get out while you can.

 

Good luck.

 

In theory, I guess, assuming you are over him. But he is not looking to be your friend. And you could easily slide backwards.

 

If you are married, it will only hurt and threaten your marriage. If you are single, no new guy will feel comfortable with this situation.

 

 

Hi, I am not married and have never been. How can this turn into physical when there's distance (26 miles to be exact) and he is at home in close quarters with W under her watchful eye? In his mind physical contact is impossible because he is back at home, they only have one car now and they carpool everywhere?

Edited November 28, 2016 by bewell

[BluesPower]

I tried being friends with some of my OW and it just ends in disaster.

 

One or the other of you will want the relationship to restart and one or the other will not be able to say no.

 

Just don't even try...

[bewell]

I tried being friends with some of my OW and it just ends in disaster.

 

One or the other of you will want the relationship to restart and one or the other will not be able to say no.

 

Just don't even try...

 

He ALWAYS finds a way to look for me. I've tried all avenues. I even changed phone numbers and he still was able to get through. He won't tell me how he got my new number. Between the two of us, he is the one that wants to start the AP more than I do albeit, he is not menting anything about relationships but that's my guess as to why he's trying to inch his way back in s-l-o-w-l-y.

[eye of the storm]

Hi, I am not married and have never been. How can this turn into physical when there's distance (26 miles to be exact) and he is at home in close quarters with W under her watchful eye? In his mind physical contact is impossible because he is back at home, they only have one car now and they carpool everywhere?

 

It isn't easy but where there is a will, there is a way. And 26 miles is chump change. There are people on here who have PAs with people living hundreds of miles away. My MM moved almost 1600 miles away and we were able to maintain the PA for awhile. (until I quit)

 

You aren't saying "no never"...you are thinking about the car and the distance and the wife at home watching him....which ....how would you know unless he is telling you his W watches him. And why would he tell you his W is watching him unless he needs to keep things sneaky.

 

If he is still sneaking around to talk to you, are you really his friend. I don't care who sees/hears me when I talk to a friend. But he cares that she doesn't know.

 

If you are his friend, then his W should know. If she can't know. You aren't his friend. You are someone he is pulling back into an EA then a PA.

[eye of the storm]

He ALWAYS finds a way to look for me. I've tried all avenues. I even changed phone numbers and he still was able to get through. He won't tell me how he got my new number. Between the two of us, he is the one that wants to start the AP more than I do albeit, he is not menting anything about relationships but that's my guess as to why he's trying to inch his way back in s-l-o-w-l-y.

 

Does this sound like friendship to you. Honestly? Really be honest.

 

You know he wants to still be involved with you. You may think you only want to be friends. But you know he wants more.

 

You cannot do this. But if you do...save your login info. You will be back trying to warn others to not be as stupid as you were.

[elaine567]

if you are his friend, then his w should know. If she can't know. You aren't his friend. You are someone he is pulling back into an ea then a pa.

 

yes.

 

..................

[darkmoon]

bit creepy how he keeps finding you, ask him how he does it, it seems mysterious

[bewell]

It isn't easy but where there is a will, there is a way. And 26 miles is chump change. There are people on here who have PAs with people living hundreds of miles away. My MM moved almost 1600 miles away and we were able to maintain the PA for awhile. (until I quit)

 

You aren't saying "no never"...you are thinking about the car and the distance and the wife at home watching him....which ....how would you know unless he is telling you his W watches him. And why would he tell you his W is watching him unless he needs to keep things sneaky.

 

If he is still sneaking around to talk to you, are you really his friend. I don't care who sees/hears me when I talk to a friend. But he cares that she doesn't know.

 

If you are his friend, then his W should know. If she can't know. You aren't his friend. You are someone he is pulling back into an EA then a PA.

 

He is very FIRM that this is "harmless" because a physical contact is impossible now that he's back at home and they only have one car.

 

Yes, he is sneaking around talking to me and making private contacts on social media accounts that's only between us. He and his W are friends on FB but she doesn't know about his other social media outlets which he uses to search and contact me. She absolutely can't know that he brought me back to his life again so it must be off the radar and kept a secret. You're absolutely correct in your assessment...if I were a friend, I would not be held a secret to his W. He even joked that he wishes his W and I could be friends to make it easier for him to have me in his life casually

[eye of the storm]

Trigger warning. Sorry. My issue.

 

Please do not become friends with his W. I know you aren't. I know you aren't planning to do that. But please do not ever be friends with her.

 

Finding out your H is having an A is horrific. Finding out the OW is your friend takes it to new levels of hell. Sorry, my issue.

 

He is telling you in plain English that he wants to restart it but just can't figure out the logistics yet.

 

Unless you want to get back into the A, tell him next contact will result in a call/email/fb msg to his W. You are done. If blocking doesn't work then maybe letting him know you will out his social media secrets to her will.

 

BTW, my daughter had a stalker. He opened approx. 40 different accounts to contact her. Some she ignored, some she blocked, then she finally started to notify whichever media platform when he did it but never responded. Never. After 7 months, he has finally gotten the message that nothing he does will get her to respond.

 

The only reason he is chatting with you is because you allow it. If you truly do not want to get back into the A. Stop talking to him. It is your choice.

[BluesPower]

You can just try to ignore him and see if you can deal with that.

 

Or you could look into some of the stalking laws in your area. It is what he is doing.

 

Have you written him a no contact letter? Maybe send it certified?

 

You could always tell his wife, that will for sure stop it...

[Daisy2013]

Well, you can try, but it's difficult. I am trying to remain friends with mine because he says I am his best friend, and his love. He asks that we keep our dream of one day being together, but those are just words because he is a huge chicken, conflict avoider. He calls me daily.

 

Will your exMM talk to you in front of his wife? Mine will sometimes, but she doesn't like our friendship and grills him about it if she sees him talking to me. So, at other times, he won't speak to me, but will wait for me to talk because she won't confront me.

 

It is really a hard thing to do...seeing your friend avoid you to appease another, all the while telling you that you are whom he wants. Good luck.

[Fair]

No man is interested in being "friends" with a woman, married or not. If he is contacting you there is interest in having something more. Don't go there.

[oceansaway]

I believe it is possible AS LONG as your emotions are detached...and stay that way.

 

After 5 months NC my ex reached out on my birthday. We have been speaking however it is NOT like it use to be and NEVER will again. We are purely friends and I've made that perfectly clear.

 

Good luck and keep things in check. If you can't...get out.

[Grapesofwrath]

No. You were not friends before, and you won't be friends now. You were lovers. Secret lovers.

 

He is asking you to engage in an emotional affair. Which he will likely work into a physical affair over time. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too.

 

If blocking him is not possible, then tell him that his next message to you will be forwarded to his wife. This is, of course, assuming that you really want him to go away. Ask yourself if you do. You don't have to share the answer with us, but do be unflinchingly honest with yourself.

[bewell]

Trigger warning. Sorry. My issue.

 

Please do not become friends with his W. I know you aren't. I know you aren't planning to do that. But please do not ever be friends with her.

 

Finding out your H is having an A is horrific. Finding out the OW is your friend takes it to new levels of hell. Sorry, my issue.

 

He is telling you in plain English that he wants to restart it but just can't figure out the logistics yet.

 

Unless you want to get back into the A, tell him next contact will result in a call/email/fb msg to his W. You are done. If blocking doesn't work then maybe letting him know you will out his social media secrets to her will.

 

BTW, my daughter had a stalker. He opened approx. 40 different accounts to contact her. Some she ignored, some she blocked, then she finally started to notify whichever media platform when he did it but never responded. Never. After 7 months, he has finally gotten the message that nothing he does will get her to respond.

 

The only reason he is chatting with you is because you allow it. If you truly do not want to get back into the A. Stop talking to him. It is your choice.

 

 

He was joking with me when he said he wishes his W and I can be friends. He knows as much as I do that is not a good idea at all - EVER. She completely hates me (understandably so). I do not want to get back into an A with him (he knows this) and he also mentioned to me that he would love to have me as a friend. Do I believe him? Yes and No. That's why I'm trying to test and see how things are flowing and the moment I sense he's pulling me back into an EA then I'll run. He put me through hell and back for 2.5 years and I sure as heck don't want that cycle back into my life.

[bewell]

You can just try to ignore him and see if you can deal with that.

 

Or you could look into some of the stalking laws in your area. It is what he is doing.

 

Have you written him a no contact letter? Maybe send it certified?

 

You could always tell his wife, that will for sure stop it...

 

I've been ignoring him and doing NC and the next thing I know he comes pops in out of the blue. I have done some mean things to him to get him off my back and even went as far as emailing and texting his W evidence that he's contacting me and etc etc and all he does is simmer down for a few weeks and tries again! LOL.

[bewell]

You can just try to ignore him and see if you can deal with that.

 

Or you could look into some of the stalking laws in your area. It is what he is doing.

 

Have you written him a no contact letter? Maybe send it certified?

 

You could always tell his wife, that will for sure stop it...

 

Well, you can try, but it's difficult. I am trying to remain friends with mine because he says I am his best friend, and his love. He asks that we keep our dream of one day being together, but those are just words because he is a huge chicken, conflict avoider. He calls me daily.

 

Will your exMM talk to you in front of his wife? Mine will sometimes, but she doesn't like our friendship and grills him about it if she sees him talking to me. So, at other times, he won't speak to me, but will wait for me to talk because she won't confront me.

 

It is really a hard thing to do...seeing your friend avoid you to appease another, all the while telling you that you are whom he wants. Good luck.

 

 

Heavens no! He will never get his W and I within an arms reach let alone have him talk to me face-to-face while she's around supervising. Well, I'm not sure the feeling is mutual about how deep of a friend one is to another. I know he will always be fond of me and adore me so his feelings are much much deeper. I can manage being his friend provided that my emotions remain detached and distance. Then again, there's that issue of inadvertently falling back into EA.

[bewell]

I believe it is possible AS LONG as your emotions are detached...and stay that way.

 

After 5 months NC my ex reached out on my birthday. We have been speaking however it is NOT like it use to be and NEVER will again. We are purely friends and I've made that perfectly clear.

 

Good luck and keep things in check. If you can't...get out.

 

My emotions are detached and distant which is why I am able to talk to him in a much better place now than before. The mood of our conversations are definetely different than before. But who knows, only time will tell. This could last a few days to a week or two before we fall out again and he goes into hibernation for whatever time he feels and pops right back up! That's usually the pattern when he comes out and contacts me.

[bewell]

No. You were not friends before, and you won't be friends now. You were lovers. Secret lovers.

 

He is asking you to engage in an emotional affair. Which he will likely work into a physical affair over time. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too.

 

If blocking him is not possible, then tell him that his next message to you will be forwarded to his wife. This is, of course, assuming that you really want him to go away. Ask yourself if you do. You don't have to share the answer with us, but do be unflinchingly honest with yourself.

 

I know everyone keeps saying this will turn into a PA over time but I just dont see that happening. He's busy with work and committed to focusing on being a husband to his BW and a grandfather. Plus as I said in previous posts, they only have one car now. W made him donate his truck to her sister so that he can't get away to see me. He's in the dog house.