Can you ever be platonically friends with xMM?

[Grapesofwrath]

I know everyone keeps saying this will turn into a PA over time but I just dont see that happening. He's busy with work and committed to focusing on being a husband to his BW and a grandfather. Plus as I said in previous posts, they only have one car now. W made him donate his truck to her sister so that he can't get away to see me. He's in the dog house.

 

Where there's a will, there's a way.

 

And more importantly, I don't hear you saying that it won't turn into a PA because YOU don't want it to. From your description, he has all the power to decide. Let's end that kind of thinking right here.

[bewell]

Where there's a will, there's a way.

 

And more importantly, I don't hear you saying that it won't turn into a PA because YOU don't want it to. From your description, he has all the power to decide. Let's end that kind of thinking right here.

 

Oh, I did mention in my posts above this page that I have no interest into going back to the same situation with him. I might be okay with being friends from a distance but I have to see how this unfolds. If he starts to creep into EA, I'm going to run the other way. I made so much progress over the last couple of months in getting over him and I don't want to go through that again.

[Grapesofwrath]

Oh, I did mention in my posts above this page that I have no interest into going back to the same situation with him. I might be okay with being friends from a distance but I have to see how this unfolds. If he starts to creep into EA, I'm going to run the other way. I made so much progress over the last couple of months in getting over him and I don't want to go through that again.

 

As long as his wife doesn't know about it, it's an EA. So it's an EA from jump street, unless he starts off with a group chat that includes his wife and full disclosure to her about your continued friendship.

[Lady2163]

Weeelllllll.....I'm sort of platonic friends with my XMM. But, we do not see each other. That's too much temptation.

 

I may not agree with the definition of EA that many have.

[freengreen]

Some cancers are better than EA, you can detect them at early stages. This ones the sneakiest, you think you got it and it had got you long time ago.

 

As of your question. If I were you, NO.

[GollumsNightmare]

In YOUR words, he has put you through hell and back for the last 2 1/2 years. Why would you want to be friends with someone who would do such a thing.

 

He is playing you. He wants to stay married AND keep you as a piece on the side. That is perfectly obvious to anyone reading your story. It must appeal to your ego in some way or you wouldn't even consider letting someone that "put you through hell" stay in your life in any way.

[elaine567]

It must appeal to your ego in some way or you wouldn't even consider letting someone that "put you through hell" stay in your life in any way.

 

Its all ego.

"OMG this man must really love me if he is willing to swim through the treacherous waters of fake social media accounts in order to get in contact with me. I must be really special if he wants to keep me as a friend."

 

BUT finding a regular OW is not easy for a MM, most women say "Thanks but no thanks" and he may have to work really hard to get someone to agree.

He had you as his OW, so he knows you are a soft touch, so he doesn't want to let that potential opportunity go.

It is not about "OMG he thinks I am wonderful".

If he really thought that he would have left his wife long ago, it is just about availability.

[sandylee1]

One of the things that stands out from your posts about it not becoming a PA, is his inability to travel to you as they now share a car. They share a car as the wicked wife made him give his truck to her sister .... and you clearly believe every word he says.

 

You aren't saying, even if he lived next door I wouldn't be interested in him.

 

I can't imagine in what universe, I MAKE my husband give his vehicle away. What kind of man worth having is such a pushover.

 

If he is still sneaking around to talk to you, are you really his friend. I don't care who sees/hears me when I talk to a friend. But he cares that she doesn't know.

 

If you are his friend, then his W should know. If she can't know. You aren't his friend. You are someone he is pulling back into an EA then a PA.

 

 

^^^^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^^^^

 

People don't hide their friends and create fake accounts and go through all measures to find them and reignite anonymous contact. It's like child's play.

[eye of the storm]

There isn't a sign that says EA 4 texts ahead. You just end up there. You never see it coming. I don't care who you are or how smart you think you are. One day you wake up and are upset there isn't that good morning text and you realize....crap. I'm in. Too late. The trap is snapped shut.

 

There is that sneaky high you get. The ego boost. The attention.

 

Nobody says, I'm going to get into an EA. You just end up there.

 

You are already there. He contacts you. You know he is looking to restart with you and instead of shutting him down, turning him in, or just ignoring him...you entertain him.

[Formerfiveo]

When I ended my EA, my xMM wanted to "just be friends". Ha! It was only for his ego to keep hope alive that he would divorce his wife.

 

I finally said, "Sure, we can be friends! All 3 of us! You, me and your wife."

 

This was the last contact from him.

 

ETA: What's your definition of "friend" anyway? To me, a friend is there for you, when no one else can or will. Can he do that? Be there for you? What if you were in a car accident? Would he be there at the hospital by your side?

 

He will NEVER be able to be a true friend. This is all his fragile ego needing to be stroked.

Edited November 29, 2016 by Formerfiveo
Addition

[freengreen]

There isn't a sign that says EA 4 texts ahead. You just end up there. You never see it coming. I don't care who you are or how smart you think you are. One day you wake up and are upset there isn't that good morning text and you realize....crap. I'm in. Too late. The trap is snapped shut.

 

There is that sneaky high you get. The ego boost. The attention.

 

Nobody says, I'm going to get into an EA. You just end up there.

 

You are already there. He contacts you. You know he is looking to restart with you and instead of shutting him down, turning him in, or just ignoring him...you entertain him.

THIS ^

 

No one in EA has ever said " I know how i got into this"

[Chica80]

NO you can't. We have tried many many times. It doesn't work.

[whichwayisup]

So...what do I do now? Is it ever possible to be just friends with an xMM/AP?

Why would you want to? All that does is prevent you from healing and ridding of your feelings for him. It prevents you from moving on and allowing your heart to be open to another (single) man in the future. It keeps you in the past and your feelings alive, the 'friendship' just remains an emotional affair, one that you keep investing in, and again, preventing you from moving forward and closing the door on your past affair with him.

 

Also, the friendship would be selfish and self serving on his side - He'd been lying and hiding the fact he is still friends with you from his wife and that's not good for his marriage.

 

Please don't open that door, tell him goodbye, block him and stop all contact.

[elaine567]

Few can be true friends with an ex, whether a MM or not...

Because.

1. One of the pair is still emotionally involved and does not want to be friends at all, they want to be lovers, they want the old relationship back.

2. One of pair does not want a friend or to be a friend, they really want a besotted orbiter, someone to stroke their ego.

"He/she loves me so much they would do anything for me"

3. One of the pair feels sorry for the other, so hands out the offer of friendship as an attempt to make the other feel better. Friendship based on pity is not a firm base for any friendship. The pitied one may start to resent and the other may just get bored being a nursemaid.

4. One of the pair needs a plan B in case their new life doesn't pan out well, so they can always rely on good old besotted Rick/Rita to fill in any gaps.

5. One of the pair sees an opportunity for casual sex. Sexual availability is found to be one of the man reasons men hang around as friends with exes...

6. In the case of the MM and an affair, is there really enough there, when sex is off the table for good...

I am sure there are many more scenarios..

 

Even if it is all hunky dory, and real platonic friendship develops, the "friendship" will often become unsustainable as the new partners will not tolerate it. Few want to be in a relationship with an ex as "best friend" in the picture. Few want to be part of a "threesome", it just doesn't tend to work long term.

[Stained glass heart]

I thought I'd be able too and as much as I'd like too, he doesn't want too. I'm not the same person I was and he knows it but for the sake of our marriages and the fact that I'm much happier, I don't want to relive the past. Much less deal with the verbal abuse from his wife. It's not worth it.

[LargoLagg]

Without rehashing my A story, I'll get to the main points of recent turn of events...

 

First of all he decided to return home after a year of living separately from his W. It was during that period where he was thinking of legally ending the marriage. A year prior to that was the same thing. Anyway this went on for 2.5 years until he moved back in with W.

 

Between April to the present time he would go in phases where he would contact me out of the blue, usually via text and in other ways he could. He would find me somewhere in social media with a new account/profile and contant me through there. Sometimes he would disappear for a week, two, three, and a month and a half depending on his feelings of missing and longing for me and how it's driving him crazy from suppresing it and the cycle begins again...

 

The times (around 4?) I gave it chance and resumed connection with him was because I felt bad for him and I can feel and see how important it is for him to have me in his life as a friend and he still deeply cares for me (his words). I know that's probably not good judgement for me because we all know what happens, right? it starts off nice and slow and it picks up from there and before you know it you're in an emotional affair. I think the reason why xMM thinks it's okay to reach out to me under the premise of "friends only" is because he told himself that he will not let this go toward anything physical. Is he convinced that it will stay that way or is he being delusional? I mean he says physical contact with me now is impossible since he is living back at home with W and that he is a changed man with a focus on being a husband and a grandfather.

 

Fast forward to the week of thanksgiving. Just when I thought I am flying off the radar on twitter, I get a random request and message from - HIM! At first I didn't know who it was because he didn't use his name or anything that would flag me to realize that it's him. So I stupidly approved his request. A few days later I realized it was him and suddenly deleted him as my follower. Guess what? a few hours later, he was back requesting to accept him. This time I left it alone and blocked. Well, about a day later, he comes around again with a new account (and a different name). I had an inkling it was him and without inquring with my head, I approved it. STUPID. I know. We've been talking since and it's cordial, light, and friendly. He reiterated that it's important for me to be part of his life as a good friend. We did not discuss his marriage but I can sense things aren't going well as he had hoped. I was under the impression that he would be over me by now since it's almost 8 months post-breakup. He enjoys having me to talk to, have intelligent conversations, and etc because he doesn't get that from his W due to the fact that she's a foreigner with cross-cultural differences. And before anyone says "how do you know that?", well, his own family as well as friends witnessed/witnesses this and I've beent old the same thing.

 

I am over xMM. I've let go of the relationship we once had and the fantasy of "maybe one day"...

Talking to him is easier now compared to how it was the couple of times before because my emotions are detached and distant. Do you still think we would regress from being just talking as friends to the bubble we were in before?

 

 

So...what do I do now? Is it ever possible to be just friends with an xMM/AP?

The part of the story you didn't tell was the part where you woke up one day and you KNEW you didn't love him anymore. Like just KNEW IT. If you had that day, then I'd say YES, you can be friends, although I'd question whether you'd worry about it one way or the other. But because you didn't write about that, and because you're here, because you have doubt, in this case, I'm going to say No. YOU can't.

[Foreverago]

Think about what you enjoy about friends and make a list. Hanging out in public, having coffee, fun talks. Do secrets from others, hidden social media accounts, lies, betrayal and excuses fit on that friends list? Probably not.

 

What he's doing is an ego stroke because you never shut him down by just blocking his accounts. He knows you're easy access to the attention he wants. If an ex were doing this to me, I'd be creeped out. There's nothing remotely cute and fuzzy about him continuing to lie to his wife and not leaving you alone to move on. A secret account is a giant f you to her and you are accepting that.

 

None of that is friendship. That's still affair territory, shared car or not. Get better friends.

[jennifernyc84]

I'll admit, I didn't read the whole thread, but I read your OP.

 

And my answer is NOOOO!!!

 

You can absolutely, in no way, shape, or form, be friends with this man!

 

Being his friend will bring those feelings back. Sure shot.

 

Why would you want to be friends with a married man anyway? Nothing to benefit from that.

 

again, in case you missed it the first time. My answer is NO!

[BuddyX]

Previous LS member hit the nail on the head.

 

Plus seriously, how would that work. "Hey want to hang out and think about that time we had sex and I destroyed my entire family hurting every person who loves me and that I love." Um....that is a big NO.