I don't know what I'm doing

[IFoughtTheLaw3]

I think I’ve really messed up. I’m a married man, been with my wife 10 years since we were 20, married 2 and our baby is 8 months old. I work in a job where I’m there 60+ hours a week so barely home but try and make the most of it when I am there and I love my wife.

 

About 2 months ago we employed (I’m one of 2 managers) a new girl. She’s a few years younger than me and absolutely stunning. I was impressed with her from the interview and she had a lot about her as well as being attractive.

 

The more time we spent together, the more I found myself wanting to know more about her and watching her with people and seeing how lovely she was I liked her more. We’ve ended up having a few in depth chats about our history and family/childhood that lasted hours at a time on down days when I was the manager in charge. I found myself really talking to her and telling her things about myself without thinking that I wouldn’t normally tell colleagues.

 

My wife and I are moving a few hours away back to where we are originally from next week. I handed my notice in on a day she wasn’t there about a month ago. The next day she was in I asked her to come into the office as I had something to tell her and told her I was leaving. She looked shocked, but said if that was going to make me happy it was a good thing. I was taken aback by her reply as I expected…well I don’t know what I expected.

 

For the next few days I noticed she was acting a little off and then she came to talk to me on a day that I was the only manager in. She asked me when my last day was and said she was gutted I was leaving. I told her that I’d had managers in the past leave and how sad I was. She said she didn’t mean as a manager, so I clarified if she meant as a friend…she said no, but knew I was married and that it didn’t matter what she meant as it she wasn’t going to say anymore about it then started rambling on about work.

 

I was in shock, I didn’t let myself believe that she liked me because she’s way out of my league. She came back to ask me not to tell our mutual boss, clearly embarrassed that that came out, and I told her I wouldn’t tell anybody.

 

I couldn’t believe she’d said that and didn’t really digest it at first. For the next few days I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable so I spoke to her and went over to her to wish her happy birthday if I didn’t see her on her birthday the next day and she was completely normal.

 

Then about a week later she gave me a leaving present. She said she’d appreciated all my help and support starting the job, gave me the gift and left. It was around this time I really digested what had happened. I *do* like her but I do love my wife…I think I wanted to believe she liked me but never actually expected her to say it out loud. It was then it hit me how I’d lock eyes with her for a little too long, stop by her desk, train her on things when it wasn’t my job and go out of my way for her in general. It sounds ridiculous, but until she said she liked me, I hadn’t realised how much I liked her/had feelings for her.

 

I’m now behaving like a bit of a dick, but I don’t know how else to react. I go red around her and can’t look her in the eye anymore and avoiding conversation with her. On the flipside, she’s not tried to have any personal conversations with me since. She’s stuck to what she said and not said anymore about it and been professional but I can tell my behaviour is upsetting her.

 

I don’t know what to do but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it. The other day a customer kept staring at her chest and it angered me and I pointed it out to our mutual boss but he didn’t really react so I felt I should try and simmer down. He asked why it bothered me and I had no answer. She noticed me looking and as we locked eyes for the first time in weeks, my heart skipped a beat. I feel terrible.

 

Friday night we had a team night out and as we were getting out of the car, our friend (who doesn’t know her) shouted out of the window that I had been talking about her and how he’s heard all about her. She laughed it off but I felt my face burning and ran to catch up with others and couldn’t look at her or speak to her all night. She went to talk to me at one point and I snapped at her and she looked at me like I was nuts. All she asked was had I told the guy what she’d said and I told her no and she left me alone again.

 

I can’t stay near her without feeling uncomfortable, I don’t know why I can’t look at her but it’s awkward as I’m her boss. I don’t want to leave like this but I don’t know what I’m feeling or what to do

[Davey L]

Ah my friend I know what you're going through - I've been there a few times myself. The further you let it go the harder it is to extricate yourself.

 

Fortunately you are moving away very soon. Time to do what a man has to do - walk away with your integrity intact. It's hard now but you'll get over it.

[IFoughtTheLaw3]

Ah my friend I know what you're going through - I've been there a few times myself. The further you let it go the harder it is to extricate yourself.

 

Fortunately you are moving away very soon. Time to do what a man has to do - walk away with your integrity intact. It's hard now but you'll get over it.

 

With my integrity? I don't see how...I feel guilty as I love my wife but I'm also treating this woman badly when she's done nothing wrong

[Satu]

With my integrity? I don't see how...I feel guilty as I love my wife but I'm also treating this woman badly when she's done nothing wrong

 

If you don't like the way you're behaving, behave differently.

 

As an adult, you're fully capable of doing that.

 

 

Take care.

[IFoughtTheLaw3]

If you don't like the way you're behaving, behave differently.

 

As an adult, you're fully capable of doing that.

 

 

Take care.

 

I get so flustered around her and go red. It's like I'm incapable of looking at her and I don't know why...It's been worse since my friend said something to her and now I think she thinks I like her back if she doesn't know already. I feel awful that I've been so...I don't even know the word

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I just wanted to encourage you that despite the awkward situation you are doing really well.

 

Yes, it must feel uncomfortable, but you are doing the right thing! Don't allow yourself to feel guilty for keeping the other woman at a distance, it is absolutely necessary. You are protecting your marriage and your family like a good man should. That should trump everything else.

 

Try and focus your energy on connecting and communicating with your wife and your future plans together.

 

Don't let your guard down.

[IFoughtTheLaw3]

I just wanted to encourage you that despite the awkward situation you are doing really well.

 

Yes, it must feel uncomfortable, but you are doing the right thing! Don't allow yourself to feel guilty for keeping the other woman at a distance, it is absolutely necessary. You are protecting your marriage and your family like a good man should. That should trump everything else.

 

Try and focus your energy on connecting and communicating with your wife and your future plans together.

 

Don't let your guard down.

 

I don't feel like one. I don't see the woman as trying to be a threat at all...she didn't proposition me or anything like that. It was said in a shell miss me/if things were different way. She said she only told me as I was leaving and it was distracting her from doing her job

 

I feel horrendously guilty to both. I don't want to admit to myself that I was acting in a way I shouldn't have without realising and developed strong feelings for her. I was still being normal with her for a week or so after she told me how she felt until it dawned on me I felt the same

 

Now I'm ignoring someone I'm in charge of through no fault of hers and making her upset or angry, I'm not sure, when all she's done is be professional at work

 

I can't even look at her when she has to come to me for help at work (she literally has to as I'm the only one that can authorise certain things)

[Satu]

There's a little something that might help:

 

Breathing and some self-talk.

 

When the uncomfortable feelings are triggered, start noticing your breathing and silently say this to yourself: "This is just a feeling, and I'm OK with it."

 

I suggest this approach because of the physical response you have to this person.

 

Focussing on the breath has a kind of 'reset' effect on triggered feelings.

 

 

Take care.

[IFoughtTheLaw3]

Why am I reacting this way though? That's what I don't understand. We got on so well and even after she told me...but a week or so after it just hit me and now I feel like the worst person in the world

[Mr. Lucky]

Now I'm ignoring someone I'm in charge of through no fault of hers and making her upset or angry, I'm not sure, when all she's done is be professional at work

 

Listen, the unavoidable truth is that we meet other attractive people out there, some of whom also find us atrractive.

 

You've done a good job of pulling back from the edge of the abyss. Minimize your contact with her, concentrate on a neutral demeanor and limit any conversation to work matters. She'll get over it and so will you. Life goes on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Satu]

Listen, the unavoidable truth is that we meet other attractive people out there, some of whom also find us atrractive.

 

You've done a good job of pulling back from the edge of the abyss. Minimize your contact with her, concentrate on a neutral demeanor and limit any conversation to work matters. She'll get over it and so will you. Life goes on...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Reposted for emphasis.

[IFoughtTheLaw3]

That's exactly what she has done ever since she told me. No personal conversation, just pleasantries and professionalism. I'm the one that is acting like a freak, I've tried to be normal but tomorrow I'm going to spend 10 hours with her and will have to have interaction. I can tell my behaviour is affecting her as she has started avoiding my eye too, though I'm fairly sure she has seen me glance at her out of the corner of my eye (again, behaving strange)

 

I'm just so sad that after getting on so well that it's going to end so negatively

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm just so sad that after getting on so well that it's going to end so negatively

 

WRONG!

 

You didn't want to be her friend, you wanted to jump her bones. Giving into that temptaion and the resulting drama and heartbreak in your life would be the negative outcome.

 

You waltzing out the door (hopefully) unscathed is the happy ending. Count your blessings and go home to your wife and child...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I don't feel like one. I don't see the woman as trying to be a threat at all...she didn't proposition me or anything like that. It was said in a shell miss me/if things were different way. She said she only told me as I was leaving and it was distracting her from doing her job

 

I feel horrendously guilty to both. I don't want to admit to myself that I was acting in a way I shouldn't have without realising and developed strong feelings for her. I was still being normal with her for a week or so after she told me how she felt until it dawned on me I felt the same

 

Now I'm ignoring someone I'm in charge of through no fault of hers and making her upset or angry, I'm not sure, when all she's done is be professional at work

 

I can't even look at her when she has to come to me for help at work (she literally has to as I'm the only one that can authorise certain things)

 

I'm not advising you to ignore her completely or be unprofessional, but I am advising you to keep her at a safe distance and keep your feelings in check.

 

And, for the record, by telling you her feelings, she did cross a line. That is why she asked you not to tell the other manager. It was her way of seeing if you were interested, but under the guise of "If things were different".

 

She confessed this knowing you are married so she has to be willing to face the consequences of her actions. Even if you were single and had to reject her, the same consequences would apply. Things can get a bit awkward in the work place for a while. It sucks, but that is just how it goes.

 

Your loyalty needs to be with your family. The awkwardness will pass. Just keep it polite and professional while you deal with your feelings privately. You can always vent here.

[IFoughtTheLaw3]

Of course, I'm not going to do anything stupid and I never intended to.

 

I just feel guilty that this lovely woman who hadn't done anything wrong is upset because of me not being able to act normal. I'm her boss so shouldn't be acting like this or make her uncomfortable doing her job. I overheard her say to a colleague that she felt so uncomfortable around me because of how I'm acting she didn't even feel able to come into my office to get paperwork she needed

[IFoughtTheLaw3]

I don't know why I'm reacting like this...if anyone has any insight I'd appreciate it

 

I'm thinking if I can understand why I'm being like this, I can stop it

[Jump Through Loops]

I don't know why I'm reacting like this...if anyone has any insight I'd appreciate it

 

I'm thinking if I can understand why I'm being like this, I can stop it

 

It's your defense mechanism kicking in. possibly a Reaction Formation directed towards the forbidden fruit.

 

You're doing well. Don't stop.

[LexiCat29]

Of course, I'm not going to do anything stupid and I never intended to.

 

I just feel guilty that this lovely woman who hadn't done anything wrong is upset because of me not being able to act normal. I'm her boss so shouldn't be acting like this or make her uncomfortable doing her job. I overheard her say to a colleague that she felt so uncomfortable around me because of how I'm acting she didn't even feel able to come into my office to get paperwork she needed

 

You're beating yourself up way too much. There are attractive people everywhere and they all have varying levels of integrity and respect. This woman doesn't appear to have much of either.

 

She actually has done something wrong. She was clearly testing the waters to see if you were open to starting an affair with her and you rightfully rejected her and began pulling away. She's not upset or angry..she's embarrassed. She made a fool of herself, but that's not your fault, it's hers.

 

You're doing the absolute right thing by pulling far, far away from this woman.

[Mr. Lucky]

Of course, I'm not going to do anything stupid and I never intended to.

 

You still don't get it and here's the part you don't understand - no one ever intends to.

 

Whether emotional or physical, affairs are part of a process.

 

Phase 1:

 

About 2 months ago we employed (I’m one of 2 managers) a new girl. She’s a few years younger than me and absolutely stunning. I was impressed with her from the interview and she had a lot about her as well as being attractive.

 

Phase 2:

 

The more time we spent together, the more I found myself wanting to know more about her and watching her with people and seeing how lovely she was I liked her more. We’ve ended up having a few in depth chats about our history and family/childhood that lasted hours at a time on down days when I was the manager in charge. I found myself really talking to her and telling her things about myself without thinking that I wouldn’t normally tell colleagues.

 

Phase 3:

 

It was then it hit me how I’d lock eyes with her for a little too long, stop by her desk, train her on things when it wasn’t my job and go out of my way for her in general. It sounds ridiculous, but until she said she liked me, I hadn’t realised how much I liked her/had feelings for her.

 

Intentions aside, you voluntarily participated in every step of the dance, crossing both professional and personal boundaries. Dumb of you to walk up to the edge of the cliff, kudos to you for taking the necessary steps back.

 

If you want to pour cold water on the whole thing, tell you wife what's happened ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

"Lovely woman who has done nothing wrong"? Give me a break... Her behaivior was totally inappropriate from both a professional and personal standpoint. You should not feel guilty for avoiding her - it is your only option given her total lack of boundaries, short of reporting her to HR. Wake up and smell the coffee, she is not the innocent delicate flower you are portraying her to be, but a woman gauging the likelihood she can succeed in breaking up someones family- and not just anyone's, but her boss' / your young son's. I hope you realize it is totally shady and destructive behaivior on her part, and continue to avoid her, recognizing the threat she poses to your marriage and career.

 

Is there a chance you're falling for this as a response to the upheaval in your life? New baby, moving to a different town, presumably new job soon- perhaps you're using this flirtation as an escape from the stress. If so, finding another outlet like exercise or a new hobby could help you avoid temptation in the future. Telling your wife is another sure fire way to get back to reality.

[Davey L]

You'll look back on this with a fond memory of her and with the feeling that you ultimately did the right thing.

 

If she's as attractive and lovely as you say she'll soon find another guy and hopefully a single one so don't worry too much about any hurt she's feeling.

 

You can explain to her that while you are very fond of her you are married and very much in love with your wife and that you wish her all the best for the future. Don't be tempted to exchange contact details though - you might get tempted in the future.