Compatibility issues? Is my relationship doomed?

[sarah999]

Lately I've been thinking about my bf. About half a year ago I suddenly fell for one of my really good friends who I've known for a while, and then we started dating and officially got together several months ago. Both of us are at the age where it's time to consider serious relationships. He's kind, affectionate, makes me laugh like never before, we would do a bunch of things together like going out to places around town and even vacations that were fantastic. We would talk for hours and hours on end and he is the first guy ever in my life who really seems to "get" me. We just clicked so easily. He tells me he loves me all the time and says he is so lucky to have me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

Now I still love him, however I am really thinking about the future, like are we fit for each other over the long term? He has some flaws that I might have overlooked at the beginning because I was "falling hard," but now I am having doubts. For one, he has no career ambition and even though he has a job, he doesn't take it seriously, going to work late or playing around at work. Also, it seems like he likes video games too much. And now the time we spend together, he just wants to stay in and laze around or make out. Or increasingly, he just wants to play video games all day by himself. And also he is lazy, like sometimes I need to pick up after him or try to get him to go out or go exercise. (We do not live together.)

 

Ideally I want someone to live life with, like spending time doing worthwhile things like learning how to cook, going to the gym, or learning new things for our careers. We did do some of those things like cooking or going to the gym at first, but a lot less often now. I don't know if it's because he's gotten "too comfortable."

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I feel like I am too emotionally invested that a break up will be too painful for me (the sad thing, I dropped my hobbies and friends for him, I know I am not supposed to do that, but I did, and without him I'm not sure what to do with myself). I think he will take it really really badly, as I have joked and said what if I disappear from his life and he said it'll be unbearable. But I don't know if it's possible to change him, or if it is even my role/place to tell him to change him. And I am not getting any younger...

Edited November 6, 2016 by sarah999

[Poutrew]

All humans have flaws. It is built into our nature, and if you look hard enough there will never be a man good enough or perfect enough for you. This applies to you too. My advice is if you are really looking this hard to find the imperfections then drop this guy and get a dog. They will never disappoint, never play video games, and will always do backflips when you enter a room. And, due to their short lifespan, you can get a new one every 10 - 15 years. And, they will also hump your leg if you let them....just about the only downside is they need to be periodically de-wormed, and will have no hesitation to drop a deuce on your new carpet.

[TheTraveler]

just about the only downside is they need to be periodically de-wormed, and will have no hesitation to drop a deuce on your new carpet.

 

No. You can't spontaneously decide in the moment to run away for the weekend. They need constant care.

 

Skip the dog and skip the guy. It's not what you want.

[sarah999]

My bf of several months seems to have gotten stingier. Since the start we would split dinner bills, or if he paid once then he'll actually remind me to pay the next time. I know there's another thread about who pays for dating, but this thread is more about the his attitude towards me.

 

A few weeks ago he started to pay for me because he got a new credit card and needed to spend $x to get a nice cashback reward. He ended up spending a couple hundred on me (trips, dinner). At first he said I could start paying for him after he has spent enough on his credit card to get his reward. Then I offered to pay him back in cash, he said don't worry about it and he is "happy" to spend it on me. But then he joked about how it's expensive to have a gf and I am making him "broke." Even though he said it's a joke I think he's telling me something. Mind you, both of us make a lot of income and have a lot saved up.

 

So after he got his credit card reward, he just stopped paying for anything. Never bothered paying for dinners or outings so I paid for him, justifying that I'm "paying" my debt. I was ok with that, but then his attitude annoys me.

 

We started cooking together more often and I paid for groceries. Then once he went on a groceries trip by himself, and then jokingly complained that it was "so expensive but I bought it just for you." I was like ????. Both of us ate the food he bought and he only spent like $20.

 

And another time we were on a trip and I had a cold and was sick so I wanted a taxi back to the hotel, but he insisted on walking (to save money?). Then even though I paid for the taxi he seemed annoyed.

 

Then after I started paying for his gym, I calculated I had repaid all my "debt" to him. (I would've paid my debt in cash earlier but he refused.) Then he once said going to the gym is too expensive (even though I am currently still paying for his gym).

 

I don't know what to do. I don't mind paying my fair share but he seems intent on splitting things down the middle and saying these things that irk me. I hope I'm not being too sensitive? What would you do if you were me?

[SunnySide0418]

I would move on!! He's not much of a man and he doesn't treat you like a lady. Especially since you said he has the means. He's just not a generous person. Why would you want to be with a guy like that???

[Shining One]

I don't think you're being too sensitive, OP. I believe in each person contributing their fair share, but his attitude and "jokes" are rather off-putting. Sharing of costs should be more natural and less calculated. I think it's worth a discussion with him and if he's unwilling or unable to adjust, you should reconsider the relationship. I don't think I would be able to last long in a relationship with a woman who displayed these behaviors.

[basil67]

Ugh no. This wouldn't work for me. While taking turns paying is fine, the constant comments about money and cost would do my head in. And getting cranky about you paying for a taxi for yourself is just ridiculous.

 

Imagine a future married to him!

[Satu]

"What is money?"

 

"Money is what makes a man act funny."

 

- Eminem

 

 

I have close to no tolerance for tight-fisted people who behave with a lack of grace around money.

 

I don't mean people who are struggling financially; I mean people who don't like putting their hand in their pocket.

 

It sounds like you're running out of patience too.

 

Honestly speaking, I would just send him on his way.

 

 

Take care.

[DK_Casus]

I could never live with a partner who made this kind of thing into a problem. To me, it's never worth fretting about. I've always been the one to carry most of the load in terms of money and it only bothers me if I detect the girl taking it for granted. At that point, I make it clear that I find that position unacceptable and her response dictates our future. But I've been fortunate and it's rarely an issue.

 

Life is simply too short to waste time on trivial **** like this.

[MarkIVSteel]

Funny how women demand equality but when it comes to relationships, they want to throw all those rules out the window.

[Shining One]

Funny how women demand equality but when it comes to relationships, they want to throw all those rules out the window.

This isn't about equality. It's about the boyfriend's attitude. The OP has already said she doesn't mind paying her fair share. Wouldn't you find it irritating if a woman you were dating behaved like the OP's boyfriend?

[Methodical]

Ugh! He is a score keeper, which means he's apt to calculate everything...money, chores, etc. Unless you want a constant reminder of the things he has done and where you fall short, I'd nip that mentality in the bud or move on.

[sarah999]

Thanks for the input everyone. Yeah I'm mostly bothered by the principle rather than actually paying. He does like to pay a lot of attention to money like his stocks, or how to get coupons. Personally I am not a big money spender myself but lately I feel he's gotten too frugal. Like not buy a certain food because it costs too much or stay home instead of going out. But he seems fine splurging on his hobbies though.

 

Also because I know he's like this, I've been keeping track of the expenses in a spreadsheet and how much I owe him, and I've now repaid my debt. I don't know if he's either ignoring the fact that I've already repaid my "debt" or if he thinks I still owe him more? Because right now I'm still paying for stuff. I think if I don't speak up I'll just keep paying. Should I just tell him straight up that I've repaid my debt, show him the spreadsheet, and say it's time to split costs? I don't wanna be like him (intent splitting costs down the middle), but I'm not sure if it's entirely fair for me to keep paying. How should I handle this?

 

And lastly yes I've been pretty annoyed at the comments. Not sure how to bring this issue up. Otherwise he is really affectionate and kind and tells me I am more than he deserves and how much he loves me. Frankly I love him too, he's my first serious relationship. If I say bye, I think both of us will be hurt bad, him more so maybe. And I just have this awful thought, what if he's with me for my money? his friends who earn a lot have girlfriends who earn very little. Idk, maybe I'm thinking too much. But this money issue is bothering me. Sorry I am just rambling now. Let me know what you guys think.

[smackie9]

If you want this to work, all this will take is open honest communication. What are you afraid of? Offending him? You are unhappy is that fair to suffer in silence? He's not a mind reader, he doesn't know the stress of his actions is putting you through. I'm sure if you tell him how you feel, and how his comments make you feel he's going to stop it. If you don't tell him, he is going to think everything he is doing is ok with you.

[frus69]

Otherwise he is really affectionate and kind and tells me I am more than he deserves and how much he loves me. Frankly I love him too, he's my first serious relationship. .

 

Are you sure this is otherwise a very good relationship? Do you think if one day you lose your job or fail in a investment or get broke, will he help you out?

If you want to start up a company and need extra fund/investing, will he help you?

If you just in any case need his help financially, will he still be nice and affectionate towards you?

[DK_Casus]

I think it's key to realise that this personality "feature" isn't necessarily about people being more selfish. It's my experience that some people are simply obsessed or compulsive about money and resources. Sort of a malfunctioning survival instinct.

 

Personally, it gets under my skin - so even if I understand that, I still can't deal with it. I find it absolutely and totally unattractive - and I can't control it. Stingy people tend to provoke a physical reaction in my body - literally.

 

But if you CAN deal with it - it could be helpful to simply talk it out - and see if you can get an angle on it where he's not obnoxious - but rather a bit deluded about the value of money.

[Els]

Dude is incredibly annoying and calculative - bad traits all around. Taking turns paying is totally fine if that suits both of you, but his comments and attitude are dealbreakers IMO. People who are so calculative over a few dollars tend to have a huge chip on their shoulder in general - ergo bad partners.

 

Given that this is your first serious R, I'll tell you this - his behaviour is not normal. Don't settle for this.

[basil67]

If you have children and you take a few months (or more) off to raise them, will he willingly support you?

[salparadise]

Yeah I'm mostly bothered by the principle rather than actually paying.

 

Personally I am not a big money spender myself but lately I feel he's gotten too frugal. Like not buy a certain food because it costs too much or stay home instead of going out. But he seems fine splurging on his hobbies though.

 

Also because I know he's like this, I've been keeping track of the expenses in a spreadsheet and how much I owe him, and I've now repaid my debt. I don't know if he's either ignoring the fact that I've already repaid my "debt" or if he thinks I still owe him more?

 

Because right now I'm still paying for stuff. I think if I don't speak up I'll just keep paying. Should I just tell him straight up that I've repaid my debt, show him the spreadsheet, and say it's time to split costs? I don't wanna be like him (intent splitting costs down the middle), but I'm not sure if it's entirely fair for me to keep paying. How should I handle this?

 

And lastly yes I've been pretty annoyed at the comments. Not sure how to bring this issue up.

 

 

I think there is a mixture of social attitudes, personal money styles, and both the unspoken rules and the communication with regard to how the two of you handle money. If you get these things sorted and perhaps have a non-confrontational talk about it, I think it will probably be ok.

 

First I'll just say what my biases are: a) frugal is good b) dislike keeping score c) gender equality is a two-way street d) many minute corrections is how you stay on course, and is much preferable to veering off course getting lost.

 

The predominant social attitude of the past three million years has been that money flows in one direction only between men and women (man pays for access to vagina), but this is the 21st century and presumably things have changed. However, on this topic there tends to be a lot of inertia or resistance.

 

What is often presumed, and what I think you're saying is that you're mostly okay with equality as long as any error or approximation goes in your favor. A 60/40 approximation with him paying sixty is equitable, but if you perceive that you're paying a little more then it absolutely unacceptable. This is the way 21st century gender equality seems to work, i.e. the slow reach.

 

I think it's pretty funny that you're excoriating him over being too tight, but you're the one keeping the spreadsheet and getting anxious about having reached the fifty-fifty point.

 

Frugal is good. You definitely do not want to end up mixing biology and finances with someone who is an irrational spender. Savers win every damn time. Budgeting is simply the art of making conscious decisions. How frugal (I think you're both on the frugal side), and how much it's talked about are variables you can adjust to make each other feel more comfortable. Eventually you two should be on the same page, approximately, and accept and allow for each other's inherent money style. Adjustments can be made.

 

I agree that it's often distasteful to have to talk too openly about money, and the frugal thing can start looking like stinginess on his side if carried too far, however, taken too far taken too far in the other direction it can make a woman appear to have an entitlement attitude and double standards.

 

Just say, ok buddy, I've repaid my debt –– your turn. If you get resistance pull out the spreadsheet and use it as the opener to discuss the larger issues. Start by telling him you're good with paying half or less, but not a penny more as you dissect that spreadsheet. :bunny:

Edited November 23, 2016 by salparadise

[ElizabethIII]

I wasted 2 years of my life on a guy like this. I wasn't old enough to know better as he was one of my first boyfriends.

 

He was so mean and kept score all the time. I am willing to pay my fair share and don't expect anyone to pay for me. But this guy just kept a list of everything in his head. Interestingly he never ever remembered when I had paid more than him and didn't care either. He saw himself as more entitled that me and it was ok for me to pay for him but not the other way around.

 

The two worst examples I can think of, where we out one night and he bought the movie tickets and I the drinks. So in my mind we were even, not that I had been keeping score. When we sat down with the drinks he went quiet for a bit and then said to me, the movie ticket I bought you was more expensive than the drink and he told me I owed him the difference. It was about 50 cents.

 

Another day he bought a chocolate bar and sat down in the cafe to eat it with the coffee (I bought my own coffee of course). He offered me half of it and then as he handed it over, he actually snatched it back and said wait no I paid $1 for this, you cant have half of it. Then he broke a tiny bit off the end and gave that to me. That should have been the end of it. He got away with that as I was too shocked to speak.

 

It was miserable as we couldnt go anywhere, he was nitpicking money and who spent what. I wish I had dumped his sorry butt very early on.

[DK_Casus]

I wasted 2 years of my life on a guy like this. I wasn't old enough to know better as he was one of my first boyfriends.

 

He was so mean and kept score all the time. I am willing to pay my fair share and don't expect anyone to pay for me. But this guy just kept a list of everything in his head. Interestingly he never ever remembered when I had paid more than him and didn't care either. He saw himself as more entitled that me and it was ok for me to pay for him but not the other way around.

 

The two worst examples I can think of, where we out one night and he bought the movie tickets and I the drinks. So in my mind we were even, not that I had been keeping score. When we sat down with the drinks he went quiet for a bit and then said to me, the movie ticket I bought you was more expensive than the drink and he told me I owed him the difference. It was about 50 cents.

 

Another day he bought a chocolate bar and sat down in the cafe to eat it with the coffee (I bought my own coffee of course). He offered me half of it and then as he handed it over, he actually snatched it back and said wait no I paid $1 for this, you cant have half of it. Then he broke a tiny bit off the end and gave that to me. That should have been the end of it. He got away with that as I was too shocked to speak.

 

It was miserable as we couldnt go anywhere, he was nitpicking money and who spent what. I wish I had dumped his sorry butt very early on.

 

OMG what a nightmare!

 

Such a person would last but a split second with me....

[ElizabethIII]

OMG what a nightmare!

 

Such a person would last but a split second with me....

 

If I had the time back, when he snatched that half of a chocolate bar back out of my hand and broke me off a tiny bit as he had spent $1 on it and I therefore couldnt have half of it, that would have been the end.

 

I would have thrown the tiny piece back at him and just walked away.

 

I can see the OPs point. Most rational people do just take their turn in paying but without actually carving it up down to the last cent. Like one pays the movie tickets, one bought the drinks, etc.

 

But it is just utter misery to be with a person who will carve every bill right down to the last cent.

 

Interestingly I think my ex is married now. I wonder if he treats his wife like that.

[DK_Casus]

If I had the time back, when he snatched that half of a chocolate bar back out of my hand and broke me off a tiny bit as he had spent $1 on it and I therefore couldnt have half of it, that would have been the end.

 

I would have thrown the tiny piece back at him and just walked away.

 

I can see the OPs point. Most rational people do just take their turn in paying but without actually carving it up down to the last cent. Like one pays the movie tickets, one bought the drinks, etc.

 

But it is just utter misery to be with a person who will carve every bill right down to the last cent.

 

Interestingly I think my ex is married now. I wonder if he treats his wife like that.

 

Well, I've grown up around generosity - and it's all I've really known from birth until I encountered the "outside" world for real

 

So, to me it goes beyond culture.

 

Stingy and pedantic attitudes when it comes to money is among the most distasteful displays of human behavior in my world - even if I think I might understand the reasons behind it, for some people.

 

But people can learn and they can grow. Maybe he's a bit more adjusted by now

[Lorenza]

What a turn off.

 

I'm usually the one who stands for equality and doesn't expect a guy to spoil me, especially if he cannot afford it. But being a cheap ass is a disgusting trait. One thing is when you don't have the money to pay for someone else's dinner in town, but counting every penny and not sharing everything you have with someone you care for is unacceptable.

 

A cheap, calculating person is extremely unattractive, at least for me.

[Els]

Thanks for the input everyone. Yeah I'm mostly bothered by the principle rather than actually paying. He does like to pay a lot of attention to money like his stocks, or how to get coupons. Personally I am not a big money spender myself but lately I feel he's gotten too frugal. Like not buy a certain food because it costs too much or stay home instead of going out. But he seems fine splurging on his hobbies though.

 

IMO frugality is largely disconnected from your boyfriend's behaviour. If he is splurging on his hobbies and being calculative with you, he's being cheap, not frugal. Frugal people save where possible in their own lives, but it is still entirely possible for them to be generous with a partner. (By 'generous' I don't necessarily mean splurging on expensive dinners or such, just not keeping score if he paid a few dollars more than you)