Compatibility issues? Is my relationship doomed?

[DK_Casus]

As far as I know, we have absolutely zero information about each other - other than what we choose to reveal, which might very well be false.

 

So, I don't think it's safe to assume much at all.

[elaine567]

The problem here was that he was unaware of the food cross contamination rules. He didn't have a clue, but he was determined to be "right", so he used every tactic in the book to make you back down. Even when you are proved right, he then feels the need to take you down a peg and big himself up hence the picky comments and the "jokes" which aren't that funny given the context.

I guess since he is a young man in a relatively well paid job he likes to be "right" a lot of the time and when you bring him down to earth or challenge his authority, he is not too happy and so likes to exert his control over you. He does this by being stingy, trying to undermine you, and making underhand "jokes".

 

All these arguments you are having now are basically about testing each other out, you are in a power struggle. You are correct he does want you to follow his rules and has difficulty accepting yours. On another thread about his meanness with money, you say you are afraid of offending and crossing him as he is so "sensitive", but if you stay silent and unhappy then you will be setting the course of your future relationship, and that only leads to bitterness and resentment. Is that what you want?

 

If you want this to work then you need to do some serious talking and tell him how all those passive aggressive "jokes" and comments are ruining what you have together, and how his stinginess (as far as you are concerned) and his laziness, untidiness and lack of ambition are making you feel.

But saying that it seems a lot of hassle already for a relationship that is only a few months old.

 

I believe your gut is telling you that you are not happy here and although you backed down from the comment you made about how you do not feel you are a good match, that is probably how you truly feel - but because he keeps telling you he loves you, you think it would be mean to break up with him.

BUT dating is not about keeping other people happy at the expense of your own happiness, it is about finding a person who YOU feel happy and comfortable with most of the time.

Navigating your way through all those picky comments and nasty "jokes" and his discarded clothes sounds like a complete nightmare.

[Gr8fuln2020]

@sarah999.

 

In the end, you make the final decision. BUT remember your other post revealing other problems with this guy. Some of us are aware of more than his stinginess as you have described it. You are not happy with this relationship and the way he mistreats, disrespects you.

 

By all means talk to him, but you do not have a healthy relationship and you know that to be true.

[DK_Casus]

Now that I am spending basically every day with my bf (of several months), I guess we are at a point where arguments are bound to occur. Which is fine. But I feel something's bothering me.

 

It all started out so silly, related to cooking, which is dumb. I'm just more concerned about the way he reacted. I grew up in a family where food cross contamination rules are important, and my bf didn't. My bf and I were cooking and he was going to chop cooked meat on a cutting board that just had raw meat chopped on it. I just said "hey can you use the [other cutting board]" and I handed it to him. Then later, he sponged up the dirty cutting board and then was going to use the same sponge to wipe down dinner plates. I just gently said to use a clean sponge for dinner plates and handed him a clean one.

 

Here's what happened:

-he sighed, looked annoyed (OK, maybe I did sound like I was nagging, I'm mostly chill. This is probably the only thing I've "nagged" him about. I've had horrible food poisoning before so that was why I reminded him. I briefly mentioned this to him and the reasoning behind why I keep cooked/raw stuff separate.)

-he said I was being too OCD and I should stop living my life in anxiety

-he thinks my suggestions make no sense and actually went online to "prove me wrong", and the sites he found actually proved me right

-afterwards he said not everyone follows the food contamination rules, he hasn't been following them all his life and he's fine

-in the end he said he'll follow my rules

 

Ok, we worked it out, right?

 

But then every time we cook, he would make remarks about how I'm too picky or anxious or have OCD. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes not so jokingly. So yesterday I felt hurt so I made a comment about how maybe we're not a good match, and then he got upset.

 

So we started talking/arguing. It wasn't heated or anything.

 

-I said I felt hurt when he made fun of me for following the food contamination rules

-then he said he was really annoyed when I "nagged" him that first time, since he said he's already doing dishes which he hates to do, and me telling him what to do makes his life harder. He said he hates being micromanaged. (Forum posters: coming from an objective viewpoint, am I really micromanaging him?) Okay, maybe I did "nag." But all I did was switch out his sponge and cutting board he was using, did I really make his life harder? On the other hand, he "nags" me too, like how I should dice chicken into larger pieces vs small pieces, how I'm only allowed to use dark meat for chicken stews, etc... I followed what he said and never made fun of him.

-then he said my comment about how we're not a good match was mean and made him sad. OK, in hindsight, I shouldn't have said it.

-We did resolve the argument. He still thinks I'm "overdoing" it but he is willing to accept it. We both said we were sorry.

 

But I still have a bad taste in my mouth from this whole thing. It's like he expects me to follow his rules but he has issues the other way around. And I am worried, if such a minor silly argument about switching sponges/cutting boards will lead to such an argument, I am worried about any larger issues/arguments in the future.

 

What do you guys think?

 

To me, it sounds like the kind of argument you have to actually be in - to determine its severity and how serious he was being. Even then, it might be hard to be certain.

 

He sounds a little like myself, to be honest. I'm what you would call relaxed in terms of my anxiety about possible contamination - especially in cases like this.

 

I'm aware of the risk - I just don't fret about it.

 

So, I can imagine being playful or "jokingly" derisive if a situation came up - and I didn't fully grasp how important this was for the the other person.

 

However, if I had a girlfriend and she made it clear that it was important to her - and explained her past bad experiences - I would almost certainly respect that and make an effort to be less careless for her sake.

 

It all depends on how the issue was presented - and with what kind of attitude. That sort of thing goes beyond the words involved - and it's very much about tone of voice and facial expressions. So, there's no way for us here to know anything for sure.

 

I'm the sort of person who does NOT back down if you start out being unreasonable and overly emotional. That has the opposite effect - because then I would feel I was being treated unfairly.

 

I've had situations somewhat like this before in my past relationships - and it can be really tricky.

 

It's key to talk it through when you're both calm - and to make absolutely sure where you both stand.

 

If he's not going to be respectful of your health decisions - then he needs to be thrown out the door, frankly.

Edited November 24, 2016 by DK_Casus

[Els]

Please do not give to much attention to the "dump him" patrol. It is very easy to tell someone you don't know to leave someone they don't know without knowing what is the investment and the possible consequences.

 

If you read the OP, you will see that they have only been together for several months, they do not live together, they are not married, they have no children together. In those several months they have had multiple issues that are of huge concern to her. Her gut is telling her that these are red flags. There is minimal investment (especially by him), and the potential consequences of staying, especially if she is planning on living together, marriage and children, far outweigh the 'consequences' of leaving IMO. This is still the early stages of dating, where you are testing for basic compatibility - if so many things are off at this stage, how much worse will they be when the relationship progresses?

 

If she leaves now, the only 'consequence' is that she will just find someone else to date, hopefully someone who will treat her right.

 

Obviously, it's the OP's right to decide for herself in the end, but please don't claim that you're the only poster who has given any thought to the 'consequences' for her. Some of us have already taken that into account when giving advice.

Edited November 24, 2016 by Elswyth

[Els]

OP, do you think that this issue is just stemming from your overall dissatisfaction with the relationship, including the fact that you mentioned in another thread that your reason for staying in it was because you feel emotionally dependent on him, having ditched all your friends for him?

 

I mean, in isolation this particular one can be worked out via communication IMO. But taken in combination with the whole, it seems more like a symptom of the overall problem than a cause.

 

 

One thing you need to understand, on these forums there are a lot of people who will tell you to just dump him... because they have zero empathy with your overall situation (you like the guy or you wouldn't be dating him), have no skin in it themselves, but do have some resentment or gender issues built up from past experiences. That often gets expressed thorough the advice given to those who are struggling and/or easily influenced. When someone says, Oh that's intolerable –– dump him, you should really dump the person who's jumping to that conclusion without knowing you or the situation, or having real empathy. It's their issues that they're all about, not yours. Easy for them to say because they're only looking at a very narrow slice of the total situation.

 

Should this apply to all cases where people suggest that a poster dump their bf/gf/date, including those where you have suggested it yourself?

 

I've eaten unrefrigerated leftover pizza a million times and it's never been a problem. For me, it's not about that (being right). It's about acknowledging her feelings.

But you aren't right - plenty of reputable sources advise against leaving food on the counter for more than 2 hours. Anecdotal 'evidence' does not override that.

 

Information for the Public | Information for Specific Groups | Food Safety | CDC

Start at the Store: 7 Ways to Prevent Foodborne Illness

Edited November 24, 2016 by Elswyth

[Calmandfocused]

Just wanted to provide this info really as a warning:

 

I'm currently divorcing a man who amongst other traits had the worst stinginess I've ever encountered.

 

I'm talking forgetting his wallet, short changing shopping bills, won't buy anything for the children, says he'll pay me back for items for him then never does, lying about money and income, pleading poverty when there is loads in his bank ( I found proof). Do I need to go on?

 

Trust me, it's been grim!

 

And yes, I did all housework and received abuse when I asked him to help.

 

Trust me, this is no fun at all.

 

I got the "I love you" too. Trust me he loved what I provided him, not me.

 

Please don't make the same mistake as me. I rationalised him as "frugal" too. Honestly, I realise now that he's the tightest, manipulative, selfish SOB there is.

 

Don't make my mistake. It gets worse. Much worse

[Els]

I agree.

 

Further stressing the frugal vs cheap point here:

 

My SO is frugal with his own expenditure. He only buys clothes when he needs it, and gets the cheapest haircut available. When he buys electronics, he usually buys a few generations behind (even though he can well afford the best and latest generation on his paycheck), and when he buys games he waits months for a sale.

 

He is, however, generous with other people, including me. Obviously, we're not rolling in money, so by 'generous' I don't mean 'throwing expensive gifts at me on a daily basis'. But I do mean that he isn't calculative, he doesn't hold what he spends on me over my head like a spreadsheet, he quietly tries to do things to make me happy. When we went to the US, he tipped generously because he knows what waiters make there. When he sees people in need, he gives of his time and money to help them.

 

You can be frugal and generous. You can also be a spendthirft and cheap. The two are very separate and not necessarily related.

[ElizabethIII]

I get the difference too. I dont generally buy myself anything unless its on sale.

 

I dont buy gadgets. I dont even have a flat screen tv. It is so old.

 

I am not splashing money over myself I am frugal with myself.

 

The ops bf gives himself everything is mean to the op.

[Poe77]

Oh dont be a smart arse.

 

It was a figure of speech. My point was these men accuse women of being gold diggers but they don't even own their home or car most of the time.

You know were all just hittin them up for that dollar menu and 12 perfume from Walmart woot!..I wants me some bath salts added in make them calgon im feeling extra gold diggy tonight...lmao

[salparadise]

Please do not give to much attention to the "dump him" patrol. It is very easy to tell someone you don't know to leave someone they don't know without knowing what is the investment and the possible consequences.

 

My 0.05$ is talk to him and try to solve things if you have interest on this guy... if you don't then you know what to do.

 

Exactly. Quoted for emphasis.

[sarah999]

To me, it sounds like the kind of argument you have to actually be in - to determine its severity and how serious he was being. Even then, it might be hard to be certain.

 

He sounds a little like myself, to be honest. I'm what you would call relaxed in terms of my anxiety about possible contamination - especially in cases like this.

 

I'm aware of the risk - I just don't fret about it.

 

So, I can imagine being playful or "jokingly" derisive if a situation came up - and I didn't fully grasp how important this was for the the other person.

 

However, if I had a girlfriend and she made it clear that it was important to her - and explained her past bad experiences - I would almost certainly respect that and make an effort to be less careless for her sake.

 

It all depends on how the issue was presented - and with what kind of attitude. That sort of thing goes beyond the words involved - and it's very much about tone of voice and facial expressions. So, there's no way for us here to know anything for sure.

 

I'm the sort of person who does NOT back down if you start out being unreasonable and overly emotional. That has the opposite effect - because then I would feel I was being treated unfairly.

 

I've had situations somewhat like this before in my past relationships - and it can be really tricky.

 

It's key to talk it through when you're both calm - and to make absolutely sure where you both stand.

 

If he's not going to be respectful of your health decisions - then he needs to be thrown out the door, frankly.

 

I think it just boils down to respect. I understand if he doesn't agree but I already mentioned my weak stomach/food poisoning episodes and how I felt about it, but he just downplayed it/dismissed it. It's the attitude that's really bothering me.

 

Anyways, when I first "nagged" him about the raw vs cooked, I tried to do it as softly and gently as I could, like "hey [insert pet name], umm...can you use this other cutting board that I use for cooked stuff?" and I handed it to him.

 

Then the next week, I had to put up with the "OCD jokes" and then when I couldn't take it, I did say the "not a good match" comment which I know is mean and I should've talked it out. Well, then we started with the argument, which wasn't heated or anything. Right afterwards, we did calm down and we were holding each other and talking in whispers. I said "I felt hurt when you made the OCD comments" and he likewise said the "not a good match" comment hurt him, then we apologized to each other. Then we said we still love each other, etc.

 

As I thought we were about to conclude our argument, he said "I understand we have differences, since we grew up in different households, and it's normal. I don't think it'll be a problem for us, we can work it through. I will follow your food contamination rules from now on."

 

Ok, that makes me happy right? So I said, "Yes, I understand, I really didn't mean to nag, I was just looking out for our well being."

 

He said, "Yeah, I know you mean well, but I still think you're overdoing it.."

 

Then started 20 min of debating that had my head spinning.

 

Then he went on to say that germs are everywhere, and we need to put up with germs. If I am so scared of germs, I shouldn't place my plants in my apartment because the soil might create airborne germs that make me sick. I was like, ?????. Then he was like, "If you want to be so clean, why don't you take it all the way? I saw you chop vegetables on a cutting board that had raw chicken juice. It seems like you're not following your own rules or are just arbitrarily following rules."

 

I said, "It was because those veggies were going right into the stew and will be cooked anyways. If I were cutting veggies for a salad, I'd use the other clean cutting board."

 

Then he said, "Well, aren't your veggies contaminated with chicken juice? Even if you cook it, the veggies have traces of chicken blood. What if a vegetarian were to eat our food, wouldn't you be contaminating it? I don't understand why you're not concerned about this?"

 

I was exasperated. (We both are NOT vegetarians.) I said. "If we had a vegetarian guest, I would cook carefully and respect the guest."

 

 

I liked how at first, we were open about our feelings, and we resolved it amicably, but it sounded like he grudgingly agreed just for the sake of ending the argument, and he might still harbor inner annoyance every time he uses the "right" cutting board or sponge? And the additional debate about "plants in my apartments" and "respecting vegetarians" is just completely out of context. I don't understand what's the deal.

 

 

You guys might think this is silly, dumb, and trivial. But I feel I am learning a lot more about my bf's personality. Which is sending off alarm bells in my head.

 

 

OP, do you think that this issue is just stemming from your overall dissatisfaction with the relationship, including the fact that you mentioned in another thread that your reason for staying in it was because you feel emotionally dependent on him, having ditched all your friends for him?

 

I mean, in isolation this particular one can be worked out via communication IMO. But taken in combination with the whole, it seems more like a symptom of the overall problem than a cause.

 

 

 

Should this apply to all cases where people suggest that a poster dump their bf/gf/date, including those where you have suggested it yourself?

 

But you aren't right - plenty of reputable sources advise against leaving food on the counter for more than 2 hours. Anecdotal 'evidence' does not override that.

 

Information for the Public | Information for Specific Groups | Food Safety | CDC

Start at the Store: 7 Ways to Prevent Foodborne Illness

 

Emotionally dependent, maybe. At the beginning, I fell in love with him because he is so much fun to be with, and we shared so many hobbies, tastes, likes/dislikes. I've never loved anyone like this, or felt loved like this. I was feeling pretty down in the dumps, frustrated with my job, feeling like I wanted to be with someone. Then then we got together and we would chat about anything and everything, he encouraged me, I was so happy, motivated, I got a job promotion, life was great.

 

 

In my other thread I posted in early Nov, I did post the other thread about my concerns. Interestingly, without me saying anything, he said he wanted to see me everyday so for two weeks, he pretty much stayed at my place.We cooked everyday and go more often to the gym. Admittedly, the two weeks were overall nice, minus the raw vs. cooked incident, and his comments about money. However regarding his overall laziness, messiness, and health habits...either I accept it, clean it after him (nope), get him to change (mission impossible), or I leave. I doubt I could change his argumentative attitude or stinginess.

 

I see so many comments about dumping him. The future of this relationship looks questionable. I do want to talk to him, after this Thanksgiving holiday, after we get together in person again. I think he'll be shocked, he won't see it coming, he probably thinks I'm super happy with the relationship, as I haven't talked to him about the stinginess/money comments, taxi incident, lifestyle habits, etc. Because frankly I didn't speak up. Yes I do need to be more open in communication.

[OatsAndHall]

Wow.. He stated you OWE him money? That's ridiculous. He's not frugal, he's outright controlling and obsessive. The simple fact that you need to keep a spreadsheet to keep current on your "indebtedness" is absurd. Couple that with the fact that he's trying to control your personal finances and you've got a mess on your hands.

 

I'd cut ties with with a woman that did this ASAP. And, I'd probably let them have a firm piece of my mind before I walked. What he is doing is not acceptable. You're not his business partner, you're his girlfriend.

 

It certainly does appear that chivalry is dead..

[sarah999]

I find myself more often than not agreeing with Smackie9.

 

If there is something bothering you in your relationship then speak up, talk to your bf about this and try to get a solution. If after discussing the issue nothing changes then is up to you to decide if you can live with that situation or not.

Please do not give to much attention to the "dump him" patrol. It is very easy to tell someone you don't know to leave someone they don't know without knowing what is the investment and the possible consequences.

My 0.05$ is talk to him and try to solve things if you have interest on this guy... if you don't then you know what to do.

 

I will talk to him after the holiday break when I meet up with him. We are both emotionally invested in each other, the consequences of breaking up will be heartbreak and pain as this is my first serious relationship I dread it as I still have feelings for him.

[OatsAndHall]

I think it would behoove you to take a look at the bigger picture here which is proper communication. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about your request with respect to preparing food but have you stopped to consider how you addressed it initially? It sounds to me like it went down one of two ways:

 

1. You were calm and rational and he took it as nagging, got upset and decided he needed to prove a point. He's really not being an adult in that case and that should be addressed. The relationship will be difficult if you make a simple request of him and he has an emotional reaction to it. He didn't need to be making snarky comments about it after it was all said and done.

 

2. You approached in a slightly abrasive manner that put him on edge. People forget that phrasing, tone and inflection of voice and body language can turn what seems like a simple conversation into an argument. And, to be blunt, telling him that you didn't feel the two of you would be a good match added fuel to the fire. It went from what was basically a debate over food preparation to you talking about breaking up.

 

Either way, it would do you two some good to sit down and talk about how you need to communicate in the future to head off these kinds of problems. Proper communication is absolutely necessary in order to make a relationship work.

[sarah999]

Wow.. He stated you OWE him money? That's ridiculous. He's not frugal, he's outright controlling and obsessive. The simple fact that you need to keep a spreadsheet to keep current on your "indebtedness" is absurd. Couple that with the fact that he's trying to control your personal finances and you've got a mess on your hands.

 

I'd cut ties with with a woman that did this ASAP. And, I'd probably let them have a firm piece of my mind before I walked. What he is doing is not acceptable. You're not his business partner, you're his girlfriend.

 

It certainly does appear that chivalry is dead..

 

Yeah, in a way, with the classic " I'll let you pay this time" or he pulls the *I paid last time, so I am not reaching for my wallet at all* move.

 

After he paid for our trip he did say I don't owe him and he did it for me, but after we got back he's been pulling the "not reaching for wallet" thing almost every time.

 

He even did this before we were together (we were friends then). I am naive when it comes to dating as I haven't done it much before. I didn't see this as an big issue in the beginning even though it did get under my skin. After I posted on this forum it is really quite eye opening for me.

Edited November 24, 2016 by sarah999

[sarah999]

I think it would behoove you to take a look at the bigger picture here which is proper communication. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about your request with respect to preparing food but have you stopped to consider how you addressed it initially? It sounds to me like it went down one of two ways:

 

1. You were calm and rational and he took it as nagging, got upset and decided he needed to prove a point. He's really not being an adult in that case and that should be addressed. The relationship will be difficult if you make a simple request of him and he has an emotional reaction to it. He didn't need to be making snarky comments about it after it was all said and done.

 

2. You approached in a slightly abrasive manner that put him on edge. People forget that phrasing, tone and inflection of voice and body language can turn what seems like a simple conversation into an argument. And, to be blunt, telling him that you didn't feel the two of you would be a good match added fuel to the fire. It went from what was basically a debate over food preparation to you talking about breaking up.

 

Either way, it would do you two some good to sit down and talk about how you need to communicate in the future to head off these kinds of problems. Proper communication is absolutely necessary in order to make a relationship work.

 

You got it on point. #1 describes exactly what happened initially, the first time I "nagged" him and his reaction.

 

#2 describes what happened a week after #1 with my admittedly abrasive comment.

 

I think we both could work on communication.

[OatsAndHall]

Yeah, in a way, with the classic " I'll let you pay this time" or he pulls the *I paid last time, so I am not reaching for my wallet at all* move.

 

After he paid for our trip he did say I don't owe him and he did it for me, but after we got back he's been pulling the "not reaching for wallet" thing almost every time.

 

He even did this before we were together (we were friends then). I am naive when it comes to dating as I haven't done it much before. I didn't see this as an big issue in the beginning even though it did get under my skin. After I posted on this forum it is really quite eye opening for me.

 

As has been pointed out, this man's view on money probably indicative of other personality flaws that you will experience down the road. I can't imagine telling a significant other that they owe me money or to keep a tab. If I pay, I pay and that's all there is to it. If I date a woman for awhile and she doesn't offer to pay for a date or pick up a tip then I stop dating them. It doesn't need to be 50/50 for me but I just want them to have the common courtesy to pay for something.

 

My last serious girlfriend was flat-out broke because she worked a low-paying job and was making it pay check to pay check. I paid for every date we went on as I had the money, she didn't and I wanted her to enjoy our time together. She would reciprocate by cooking me dinner a few nights a week and by renting movies that I wanted to see from Redbox. I bought the groceries for the meals but it meant more for me to have her put the time and energy into preparing a meal for me than paying for anything. Also, it may seem like a small thing to rent a movie that someone wants to watch but she didn't particularly want to see the movies but she did it for me anyway. It's too bad that one didn't work out.. Que sera.

[Calmandfocused]

Something I forgot to say in my earlier post:

 

You're lucky in the sense that he's giving you insight into what he's really like. I never got that luxury. Only once I was married did the meaness start. At least he's being honest about who he really is. Problem is I think it's highly unlikely he will change. Stinginess is often associated with selfishness. Selfishness is very difficult to change.

 

Picture this: You have young children and have a job interview for a fantastic paid job. Your man has to take 2 hours off work to care for the kids. Sure, no problem he says but only if you pay me my hourly rate. Huh? You say. Yeah if I miss two hours off work, I lose money so you either pay me or I won't do it. You're very upset but you pay him.

 

This was me. Are you Gobsmacked? Take note, this misery will come your way.

 

What about when you're on maternity leave, you're not earning any money. You're desperate for a hair cut but have no money. Would he give you the 30 quid or would he say it's "too expensive"? Think about how you would feel.

 

You love him now? By the time you're in the above position you will hate his guts.

 

Please be careful. I hope you don't take offense to my post and understand that I'm trying to point out how bad it can get.

[joseb]

I will talk to him after the holiday break when I meet up with him. We are both emotionally invested in each other, the consequences of breaking up will be heartbreak and pain as this is my first serious relationship I dread it as I still have feelings for him.

 

Ah, if this is your first serious relationship, I can see why you put up with this cr@p. You dont realise how bad it is.

Trust me, you will be fine in a few weeks once you dump him.

You probably wont even remember why you even liked him at all in a few months.

[basil67]

//I said, "It was because those veggies were going right into the stew and will be cooked anyways. If I were cutting veggies for a salad, I'd use the other clean cutting board."

 

Then he said, "Well, aren't your veggies contaminated with chicken juice? Even if you cook it, the veggies have traces of chicken blood. What if a vegetarian were to eat our food, wouldn't you be contaminating it? I don't understand why you're not concerned about this?" //

 

 

Your boyfriend is using ridiculous arguments for the sake of keeping a fight going.

 

This just gets worse. How on earth you tolerate him is beyond me.

[sarah999]

//I said, "It was because those veggies were going right into the stew and will be cooked anyways. If I were cutting veggies for a salad, I'd use the other clean cutting board."

 

Then he said, "Well, aren't your veggies contaminated with chicken juice? Even if you cook it, the veggies have traces of chicken blood. What if a vegetarian were to eat our food, wouldn't you be contaminating it? I don't understand why you're not concerned about this?" //

 

 

Your boyfriend is using ridiculous arguments for the sake of keeping a fight going.

 

This just gets worse. How on earth you tolerate him is beyond me.

 

You're right. That's why after the argument I just felt so defeated by the reality that he is actually so hard to work with. It was our first argument (as I haven't confronted him about the stinginess/taxi incident yet). Since it was only the first argument, I didn't want to overreact and jump the gun and just ditch. On the other hand, people have said I am "too nice" and I try to make everyone happy, but you guys are right, I should set boundaries for myself.

[sarah999]

Also I don't know if I should bring up another issue with him that bothered me. 4 days after I first nagged him about the food contamination and 3 days before the final argument we had, another incident happened. Since I have 1 larger cutting board for raw food, 1 smaller cutting board for cooked food, 2 large knives for raw stuff and 1 smaller knife for cooked stuff. He was cutting apples on the "cooked" cutting board using the smaller knife. He doesn't know how to cut very well and does so very awkwardly and slowly, and it's okay if he's new at cooking, I'm happy to see him learn. Well Idk what happened but he cut his finger and it bled badly. I quickly comforted him and gave him a towel, bandaid, ice, etc.

 

Then he said something hurtful: "*Sigh* I just don't understand why you always insist on using separate cutting boards and knives. If I had used the larger [raw] cutting board and the larger [raw] knife, I wouldn't have cut myself. I just don't get your OCDness."

 

Then he made me feel bad and I realized maybe I should get a larger cutting board/knife for cooked stuff as well. Maybe the smaller board/knife did increase the risk of him cutting himself? But then again, I felt upset that he blamed me when he cut himself. How could he guarantee that if he used a larger board/knife, he wouldn't cut himself?

 

Then he acted annoyed and went online and searched "raw vs cooked knives" and a site agreed with him, and then he was like, "see I'm right."

 

Then he said, "You should do away for separate items. If you touch raw chicken with your fingers, you wash your hands and then you handle cooked food right? So you should do the same for cutting boards/plates/sponges/knives."

 

I didn't really respond. Then after some silence he said "Sorry I got annoyed. It was my clumsiness."

 

This left a sour taste in my mouth but I told myself maybe he is having a bad day and I am overreacting.

 

Now I want to confront him about this as I don't want him to get into the habit of blaming me for every mistake he makes.

[sarah999]

Ah, if this is your first serious relationship, I can see why you put up with this cr@p. You dont realise how bad it is.

Trust me, you will be fine in a few weeks once you dump him.

You probably wont even remember why you even liked him at all in a few months.

 

Yeah it's my first real relationship. Even though we are both in our mid 20s, this is our first relationship for him as well. Throughout high school/university, I had been too focused on school and getting started on a good career to really focus on dating.

 

I feel so inexperienced, haha, I feel most ppl my age have had multiple relationships and know what is normal vs not normal...

[Gr8fuln2020]

I feel so inexperienced, haha, I feel most ppl my age have had multiple relationships and know what is normal vs not normal...

 

sarah999. There's no need to have had multiple relationships under your belt to know/feel what is 'normal' or not. When someone is being a jerk to you and making you feel constantly beholden to him, it is never normal under any circumstances. Living with or dating someone and feeling like you're walking on egg shells is never normal.

 

You don't realize these things from dating....they come from within. From parents who have demonstrated, illustrated what is proper behavior. From observing and knowing what makes you feel valued, gifted, respected.

 

Good luck with this guy. You're young and you need to identify proper boundaries so that you don't find yourself in a lifetime of wondering what is normal and what is not.