Compatibility issues? Is my relationship doomed?

[Els]

This is the guy who called you a 'princess' for choosing to take a cab rather than walking in the cold when you were sick, right?

 

I really don't think there's any point discussing this further when you have already decided that you are going to stay with him. Lots of us in your other threads have told you to leave, but you do not want to. What else can we say?

 

Sarah, 4 months is still well within the 'honeymoon stage' of a relationship. When you have pages after pages of things you are dissatisfied with in your 4-month-old relationship, that says everything that you need to know about it.

[sarah999]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

I finally took one step which is to discuss with him the issues I mentioned in the original post of this thread. I started it off by saying I wanted for *my* life goals, how I wanted to change my life, and if he had similar goals.

 

Topics discussed:

-video games: I didn't want to start off too abrasive so I said, back when I was in high school, I was addicted to video games and played until 3am on school days and neglected my health, my friends, and my studies (it was true). I said Now, I never want to be like that again and I am cutting down my gaming time. I think he got the idea that I was talking about him as well, and he said it made him feel sad, as he sees that it's no problem pursuing his passion which is video games. He said that I shouldn't be so critical of my high school gaming habits since I was just "finding ways to make myself happy through video games."

-clean Vs. messy: I said I want to make my apartment neater. I asked what does he think. He says he admits he is lazy. I said if we were to buy a house, and he says, "what work is there to do? We can just use a dishwasher and buy a rhoomba to automatically vacuum the floor." I said housework is more than that. He said he only likes doing things that are fun and housework isn't fun. I said no it's not fun but it needs to be done, in a household it doesn't work if one person's lazy, one is not. He said he will still do housework with me. I said we should start practicing now and he said he'll worry about it when we get a house. I said we can't change overnight and he said he could "work on it."

- lifestyle habits: he adamantly does not want to live by a schedule and prefers his freedom. I said I want a more or less constant sleeping/eating schedule.

- Career: I said I want to do something with my career, to grow and move up. But he explicitly stated he has no real future career plans and is content to stay the way he is. He seems disdainful of the "corporate ladder" and feels career advancement is overrated. Then he said something that explains his money/career beliefs. He believes in "financial independence" you save a lot each year on the same salary, and you invest it, you can have enough money to retire by 30-40 and live off interest. He says then he wants to do whatever he wants. He crunched some numbers: save $30k a year, invest it at 10% return rate, he'll have 2mil in 20 years. I feel this is too good to be true and not realistic.

 

Then at the end I said maybe our life goals are too different. He said maybe that's true but we can work through them. I said our different life goals might cause many problems down the road. He said problems are a part of life and he says no matter what, we can work them out.

 

Then I chickened out and didn't say what I meant to say, which is that I want a life partner who shares my goals and isn't lazy, noncommittal, etc., and I worry that me and him will not mesh together in the long run. how should I continue the conversation?

 

p.s. In regards to my other thread he did say he was sorry for hurting my feelings.

[Redhead14]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

I finally took one step which is to discuss with him the issues I mentioned in the original post of this thread. I started it off by saying I wanted for *my* life goals, how I wanted to change my life, and if he had similar goals.

 

Topics discussed:

-video games: I didn't want to start off too abrasive so I said, back when I was in high school, I was addicted to video games and played until 3am on school days and neglected my health, my friends, and my studies (it was true). I said Now, I never want to be like that again and I am cutting down my gaming time. I think he got the idea that I was talking about him as well, and he said it made him feel sad, as he sees that it's no problem pursuing his passion which is video games. He said that I shouldn't be so critical of my high school gaming habits since I was just "finding ways to make myself happy through video games."

-clean Vs. messy: I said I want to make my apartment neater. I asked what does he think. He says he admits he is lazy. I said if we were to buy a house, and he says, "what work is there to do? We can just use a dishwasher and buy a rhoomba to automatically vacuum the floor." I said housework is more than that. He said he only likes doing things that are fun and housework isn't fun. I said no it's not fun but it needs to be done, in a household it doesn't work if one person's lazy, one is not. He said he will still do housework with me. I said we should start practicing now and he said he'll worry about it when we get a house. I said we can't change overnight and he said he could "work on it."

- lifestyle habits: he adamantly does not want to live by a schedule and prefers his freedom. I said I want a more or less constant sleeping/eating schedule.

- Career: I said I want to do something with my career, to grow and move up. But he explicitly stated he has no real future career plans and is content to stay the way he is. He seems disdainful of the "corporate ladder" and feels career advancement is overrated. Then he said something that explains his money/career beliefs. He believes in "financial independence" you save a lot each year on the same salary, and you invest it, you can have enough money to retire by 30-40 and live off interest. He says then he wants to do whatever he wants. He crunched some numbers: save $30k a year, invest it at 10% return rate, he'll have 2mil in 20 years. I feel this is too good to be true and not realistic.

 

Then at the end I said maybe our life goals are too different. He said maybe that's true but we can work through them. I said our different life goals might cause many problems down the road. He said problems are a part of life and he says no matter what, we can work them out.

 

Then I chickened out and didn't say what I meant to say, which is that I want a life partner who shares my goals and isn't lazy, noncommittal, etc., and I worry that me and him will not mesh together in the long run. how should I continue the conversation?

 

p.s. In regards to my other thread he did say he was sorry for hurting my feelings.

 

This guy is out of touch with reality. He's a man-child. A man who stays up all night playing video games and goes to work late, is not going to be a reliable partner in terms of keeping a household.

 

He crunched some numbers: save $30k a year, invest it at 10% return rate, he'll have 2mil in 20 years. I feel this is too good to be true and not realistic -- He's "on" something . . . How much does he make a year? What does he do for a living? And, I guess it would be easy to save $30K a year if you're sitting on your couch all night playing games. You aren't going out to dinner or other activities.

 

Sweetie, get some "moxie" and do what you need to do or you will be here posting and venting forever . . .

[No_Go]

- Career: I said I want to do something with my career, to grow and move up. But he explicitly stated he has no real future career plans and is content to stay the way he is. He seems disdainful of the "corporate ladder" and feels career advancement is overrated. Then he said something that explains his money/career beliefs. He believes in "financial independence" you save a lot each year on the same salary, and you invest it, you can have enough money to retire by 30-40 and live off interest. He says then he wants to do whatever he wants. He crunched some numbers: save $30k a year, invest it at 10% return rate, he'll have 2mil in 20 years. I feel this is too good to be true and not realistic.

 

That will be a massive red flag for me - he's living a pipe dream. How about unexpected expenses? How about college funds for kids? Disabilities later in life? Changes in the market. I think he's just very immature/ How old is he again?

[LargoLagg]

The "save $30K a year" part is pretty admirable, you have to admit. How many people do that?

 

The "at 10%" is the pipe dream, at least, for the past 20 years or so.

[Redhead14]

By the way . . . what's his financial profile look like now? Does he have savings? Is he current on all his bills? Credit card debt? Is he financially responsible now? That's something to pay attention to right now.

[sarah999]

- Career: I said I want to do something with my career, to grow and move up. But he explicitly stated he has no real future career plans and is content to stay the way he is. He seems disdainful of the "corporate ladder" and feels career advancement is overrated. Then he said something that explains his money/career beliefs. He believes in "financial independence" you save a lot each year on the same salary, and you invest it, you can have enough money to retire by 30-40 and live off interest. He says then he wants to do whatever he wants. He crunched some numbers: save $30k a year, invest it at 10% return rate, he'll have 2mil in 20 years. I feel this is too good to be true and not realistic.

 

That will be a massive red flag for me - he's living a pipe dream. How about unexpected expenses? How about college funds for kids? Disabilities later in life? Changes in the market. I think he's just very immature/ How old is he again?

 

We're both in our mid 20s. I am thinking, things we need to buy in life, like down payment for a house, cars, expenses for kids, market volatility.

 

This guy is out of touch with reality. He's a man-child. A man who stays up all night playing video games and goes to work late, is not going to be a reliable partner in terms of keeping a household.

 

He crunched some numbers: save $30k a year, invest it at 10% return rate, he'll have 2mil in 20 years. I feel this is too good to be true and not realistic -- He's "on" something . . . How much does he make a year? What does he do for a living? And, I guess it would be easy to save $30K a year if you're sitting on your couch all night playing games. You aren't going out to dinner or other activities.

 

Sweetie, get some "moxie" and do what you need to do or you will be here posting and venting forever . . .

 

Well he earns enough to realistically save $30k a year and cover expenses like rent and food and stuff, no problem. Same goes for me. We each make good income, don't wanna say how much.

 

The "save $30K a year" part is pretty admirable, you have to admit. How many people do that?

 

The "at 10%" is the pipe dream, at least, for the past 20 years or so.

 

I agree the savings goal is nice. But I worry about the 10% rate of return and how it's not realistic because things can happen. But he seems confident in this investment idea and feels that it that because of it, career growth/achievements don't matter. I just feel so differently.

 

By the way . . . what's his financial profile look like now? Does he have savings? Is he current on all his bills? Credit card debt? Is he financially responsible now? That's something to pay attention to right now.

 

Financially we are both stable. Good amount of savings, no debt, etc.

[sarah999]

Idk why I keep coming here to post. Maybe to vent. To hear what you all think. And for validation that I'm still thinking logically and rationally and not hotheaded.

 

And how to go about these serious talks. Either way if I have to go thru this convo sooner or later. Maybe I'm too chicken or don't feel ready to pull the plug.

[No_Go]

Ok, Merril Edge calculator for retireent says the following: saving 2,500 / month (30,000 /year), already saved 90,000 (assuming he is 25 and finished college at 22 - 30,000/year each year), I put that he'll need 85,000 to live in retirement (85% on 100,000 income) and aggressive investing (8.5% return according to Merril Edge). If all ties well for him - he can retire at 56, considering average life expectancy (80). Well - even in these conditions - with NO interruptions, consistent 6 figure salary, 30,000 saving per year - he can maintain his lifestyle in retirement (56-80, assuming he dies at 80) if and only if he retires in his late 50s. Tell him that. Math is very very very simple and that is very very VERY optimistic.

 

If he's making 300,000+ per year or had a fat inheritance - MAYBE if lucky he can retire earlier. Everything is just a man-child blabbing nonsense.

[sarah999]

Ok, Merril Edge calculator for retireent says the following: saving 2,500 / month (30,000 /year), already saved 90,000 (assuming he is 25 and finished college at 22 - 30,000/year each year), I put that he'll need 85,000 to live in retirement (85% on 100,000 income) and aggressive investing (8.5% return according to Merril Edge). If all ties well for him - he can retire at 56, considering average life expectancy (80). Well - even in these conditions - with NO interruptions, consistent 6 figure salary, 30,000 saving per year - he can maintain his lifestyle in retirement (56-80, assuming he dies at 80) if and only if he retires in his late 50s. Tell him that. Math is very very very simple and that is very very VERY optimistic.

 

If he's making 300,000+ per year or had a fat inheritance - MAYBE if lucky he can retire earlier. Everything is just a man-child blabbing nonsense.

 

Your calculations are right in target. Well 100k a year income sounds about right. But we also live in a place where cost of living is high.

 

He apparently believes in this guy who touts this idea. (Google "mr money mustache shocking early retirement".) I read it and I am wary of it, while the ideas are good (save $, invest it), the "shocking results" seem overly optimistic and far fetched.

 

I just feel like we are on two totally different wavelengths.

[Dirt]

A breakup is hard. It took me sometime to work up the courage to end my first relationship but things are soooooooo much better now in my current relationship.

 

I save $55K/year for retirement and still find early retirement hard. Healthcare costs scare me and I'm currently healthy.

 

My field of work has gamers. Some still game obsessively in their 30's/40's but their life sounds boring to me. I watched thin gamers in their 20's become overweight gamers. (No offense if you're overweight). I was a big gamer and slowed down mid 20's then stopped completely when I had the money to do so much more with my life.

 

You know what you need to do so do it. You say you'll be lonely but can you take up some hobbies that help you meet people? Try Meetup groups?

[basil67]

Caring for a house only involves a roomba and stacking the dishwasher? LMAO. On the positive side, at least you KNOW that he has no intention of doing his share of the housework. He isn't trying to trick you into thinking he'd be a great partner.

 

He's a lazy man child. He's go no idea about running a house. His financial plans are ridiculous. And he doesn't appear willing to compromise on anything....which means that 'working out' the problems will involve you having to accept his way.

 

He's wrong about working through incompatibilities like this. Very wrong. While problems are a part of life, part of having a HAPPY life is to find someone who's compatible to start with.

 

Keep posting. We'll set you straight. You just have to get the courage and self belief required to abandon this.

[No_Go]

Ugh your story is very similar to mine, relationship-wise and saving wise.

 

Unfortunately my BF was like yours - care free

 

See, I'm in similar income bracket to yours/his and have saved consistently BUT 100K + are going for downpayment next year, and if I have one child - 200K+ are going to his/her college fund.

 

Here I don't even consider vacations because they are not a necessity. But medical care is. Google prices of complex treatments.

 

I'll check me moustashe but... that's just a blog, I wouldn't put my eggs in this basket.

 

 

My BF and I ended up resenting each other after similar discussions about money, saving etc. if you go to the route of staying with him - seek couples counseling when the RL advances. They may give you an advise how to compromise. You both will have to do it to stay together.

 

Btw our issues started early on as well... We somehow survived almost 2 years together but this was the drama all the time. Besides money, I loved him and though he's good for me...

 

Your calculations are right in target. Well 100k a year income sounds about right. But we also live in a place where cost of living is high.

 

He apparently believes in this guy who touts this idea. (Google "mr money mustache shocking early retirement".) I read it and I am wary of it, while the ideas are good (save $, invest it), the "shocking results" seem overly optimistic and far fetched.

 

I just feel like we are on two totally different wavelengths.

[eightytwenty]

I am with a gamer...

 

He was a man child that didn't clean his apartment, dishes had mold in them and it was just eww. I ended up getting pregnant when we were together at 6 months.

 

Told him he had two choices. When I had the baby he needed to put down the game until the baby was asllep. He had to pull his weight with house chores and be a human not something that kept his face in a game.

 

He's always been good and mature about money so I never had that problem to fix... And he works and loves his job.

 

He did a 180 when the baby was born. Helps with the house chore . I'm a neat freak so I go a bit farther than he does. He plays his game after the baby goes to sleep. Its our free time. I think gamers can change but man some men you just want to throw that gaming system at them.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, the gaming you're describing qualifies as an addiction. On the same level of alcoholism or a drug addiction. It's an all-consuming occupation that's sucked away his ability to be fully present and engaged in his own life.

 

Everything else is apathy: the way he feels about his job, how he cares for himself and his surroundings, etc.

 

Now, it sounds like he does actually genuinely care about YOU. But does he have the strength and insight to turn around his lifestyle for your behalf? I seriously doubt it, and it's not something you can ask for to begin with.

 

Those type of changes must come from within. And this guy does not give a sh*t about self-improvement, and he doesn't know the meaning of discipline.

[sarah999]

A breakup is hard. It took me sometime to work up the courage to end my first relationship but things are soooooooo much better now in my current relationship.

 

I save $55K/year for retirement and still find early retirement hard. Healthcare costs scare me and I'm currently healthy.

 

My field of work has gamers. Some still game obsessively in their 30's/40's but their life sounds boring to me. I watched thin gamers in their 20's become overweight gamers. (No offense if you're overweight). I was a big gamer and slowed down mid 20's then stopped completely when I had the money to do so much more with my life.

 

You know what you need to do so do it. You say you'll be lonely but can you take up some hobbies that help you meet people? Try Meetup groups?

 

I've never done meetup groups but I could try that. I could also try reconnecting to old friends that have fallen by the wayside.

 

I think it's a good thing to quit gaming. Or at least moderately game, like an hour a day on some days. I used to be so addicted in high school and now I shudder at the person I used to be, that's why I am really worried about my bf's passion for gaming. I wonder if I completely quit gaming, he might slowly lose interest in me? Yesterday when I expressed my disdain of gaming/addiction he seemed clearly shocked and a bit hurt too. I had to say it though, I don't want him to get the wrong idea and I "love" a relationship built on gaming.

 

Caring for a house only involves a roomba and stacking the dishwasher? LMAO. On the positive side, at least you KNOW that he has no intention of doing his share of the housework. He isn't trying to trick you into thinking he'd be a great partner.

 

He's a lazy man child. He's go no idea about running a house. His financial plans are ridiculous. And he doesn't appear willing to compromise on anything....which means that 'working out' the problems will involve you having to accept his way.

 

He's wrong about working through incompatibilities like this. Very wrong. While problems are a part of life, part of having a HAPPY life is to find someone who's compatible to start with.

 

Keep posting. We'll set you straight. You just have to get the courage and self belief required to abandon this.

 

You are so right. What am I deluding myself about? But he did say that he will share housework and he will do it. But based on the current state of things, I'm doubtful of that.

 

See, if I say that "I'm gonna leave because you won't do the housework," he will say that he *will* the the housework.

 

Ugh your story is very similar to mine, relationship-wise and saving wise.

 

Unfortunately my BF was like yours - care free

 

See, I'm in similar income bracket to yours/his and have saved consistently BUT 100K + are going for downpayment next year, and if I have one child - 200K+ are going to his/her college fund.

 

Here I don't even consider vacations because they are not a necessity. But medical care is. Google prices of complex treatments.

 

I'll check me moustashe but... that's just a blog, I wouldn't put my eggs in this basket.

 

 

My BF and I ended up resenting each other after similar discussions about money, saving etc. if you go to the route of staying with him - seek couples counseling when the RL advances. They may give you an advise how to compromise. You both will have to do it to stay together.

 

Btw our issues started early on as well... We somehow survived almost 2 years together but this was the drama all the time. Besides money, I loved him and though he's good for me...

 

I am sorry it didn't work out for you guys. I'm just imagining a hypothetical scenario where we see a counselor. If the counselor brings up the issue of splitting house chores, etc., he will just say he'll be willing to do his half. I wish what he says would be true. I really wish. Something in my head, still wants to deny this.

 

I am with a gamer...

 

He was a man child that didn't clean his apartment, dishes had mold in them and it was just eww. I ended up getting pregnant when we were together at 6 months.

 

Told him he had two choices. When I had the baby he needed to put down the game until the baby was asllep. He had to pull his weight with house chores and be a human not something that kept his face in a game.

 

He's always been good and mature about money so I never had that problem to fix... And he works and loves his job.

 

He did a 180 when the baby was born. Helps with the house chore . I'm a neat freak so I go a bit farther than he does. He plays his game after the baby goes to sleep. Its our free time. I think gamers can change but man some men you just want to throw that gaming system at them.

 

I am glad it worked out for you! I guess not everyone is unchangeable but it really depends on whether someone is willing to change or not.

 

OP, the gaming you're describing qualifies as an addiction. On the same level of alcoholism or a drug addiction. It's an all-consuming occupation that's sucked away his ability to be fully present and engaged in his own life.

 

Everything else is apathy: the way he feels about his job, how he cares for himself and his surroundings, etc.

 

Now, it sounds like he does actually genuinely care about YOU. But does he have the strength and insight to turn around his lifestyle for your behalf? I seriously doubt it, and it's not something you can ask for to begin with.

 

Those type of changes must come from within. And this guy does not give a sh*t about self-improvement, and he doesn't know the meaning of discipline.

 

I know he cares about me, the fact that he is willing to cut down so much of his gaming and spend time with me instead. And he is so affectionate and constantly reminds me how much he loves and cares about me. You pointed out good questions. If given the choice between me and his lifestyle/career outlook/gaming, will he be willing to change?

 

Also, it's weird, when I talked thru all the discussion points yesterday, he seemed to have gotten the impression that I am too hard on myself(and him), that I am too dissatisfied with my life in general (I did start the conversation as a list of things I wanted to improve for myself, before bridging into a discussion about him), that I should be happy. I must've looked unhappy but he said I should be happy because I have a good job, someone who loves me, etc. He asked me why I wasn't happy like I usually was, laughing and playing around. I wanted to say the truth, that "I've been thinking about the future of our relationship and I don't think we can work out because of too many differences. It makes me so sad because I love you a lot, but I am just so pained to realize the truth that we weren't meant for each other in the long run." But I couldn't say the truth. Couldn't get myself to say it. I just made up some half truth about how I want to improve "myself" in life, and I feel I have potential to do better (without bringing him into the explanation as to why I am sad). I'm probably doing this all wrong.

 

In short, I'm too scared to say what's really bothering me. But he noticed how sad I've become.

Edited December 1, 2016 by sarah999

[basil67]

See, if I say that "I'm gonna leave because you won't do the housework," he will say that he *will* the the housework.

 

 

This is why the phrase "it's not you, it's me" exists. If you know they are going to argue against your reasons, don't give reasons.

 

But if you do want to give reasons, you don't have to justify any of your reasons. Just give him ALL of those reasons and refuse to discuss or negotiate your position on breaking up.

 

If he says stuff which you don't believe (Like "I will do the housework") it's fine to tell him that you don't believe him. If he justifies his financial retirement plan, just tell him you think it's a load of bollocks. Etc. If he says that you're being unfair etc etc. Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way'. But stick to your guns.

 

And to put the final nail in the coffin, cite his arguing against your reasons as the final reason you're ending it.

Edited December 1, 2016 by basil67

[basil67]

More breakup tips:

 

If he's arguing, do not acknowledge what he's saying. Instead, interrupt him with "I just don't want to be with you anymore". "I'm done. I'm not staying with you" is also good. "It's over". You follow?

 

A breakup is not a 'conversation. A breakup is you making a stand for your own position and refusing to negotiate.

[Dirt]

See, if I say that "I'm gonna leave because you won't do the housework," he will say that he *will* the the housework.

 

If it was important to him he would already be doing it.

 

He might change eventually. He is going to have a lot of trouble getting laid bringing home a girl to a messy apartment when you finally work up the courage to pull the plug and he is single again. If he doesn't change then maybe he can find someone who wants to be his maid.

 

Cleanliness is a thing I look for when I visit someone's place. Not clean I next you.

 

I'm a man and I cook, I clean the toilet, I vacuum, I dust, I do the dishes, I take out the garbage, I eat at regular times, I go to bed at regular times. I don't complain. I do it because it needs to be done. We do exist. Go find one.

[Standard-Fare]

I can share a similar personal story where you switch "gaming" with "pot."

 

In my younger days I was a major pothead. Later, after I'd grown out of that and was just an occasional smoker, I started dating a guy who claimed to be an occasional smoker too. We'd smoke together sometimes and it was fun...something to bond over.

 

Over time, though, I realized he was in fact a full-blown stoner — he was high every waking moment of every single day. He couldn't hide that from me the more we got to know each other.

 

I had no desire to join that lifestyle with him ... I was way over that phase. At first I was annoyed about it, but that grew into resentment, anger, disillusionment. I tried to work with him to get him to cut down, but all that happened is he got better at hiding it.

 

We ultimately broke up over this. And I really did love this guy, and to this day five years later I miss him. But he gave me choice.

 

I know via Facebook that he's married now, and I find myself wondering if he just found his magical match that could tolerate his addiction, or whether he actually grew up and cleaned up his act for this other woman. If it's the latter, it really sucks that he wasn't able to do that for ME, but ... I know he just wasn't ready at the time we were dating.

[SwordofFlame]

It sounds like a maturity issue. He might change when he gets a little older. Or maybe not if he's attractive enough to have not much difficulty getting another woman who's as equally attractive as you.

[No_Go]

I am sorry it didn't work out for you guys. I'm just imagining a hypothetical scenario where we see a counselor. If the counselor brings up the issue of splitting house chores, etc., he will just say he'll be willing to do his half. I wish what he says would be true. I really wish. Something in my head, still wants to deny this.

 

The counselor will just help you to communicate better. I.e. how to express your needs and wants.

 

In the case with my bf, I strongly believe he was just unable to pick social cues due to Asperger's. It is very hard to communicate with people like this. In our case though he'll do all the housework. He was just terrible with planning and financial stuff. Hell do the housework but mechanically - e.g. he never asked me what do I want to eat, he just goes ahead and cooks ?! I think this was also part of his psychological disorders, he couldn't perceive what's wrong with that.

 

If your bf doesn't have a psychological issues but is just immature, you maybe able to learn how to communicate your needs with him... It is house-cleaning, not some kind of complicated job...

[elaine567]

He will only change if he wants to and atm I see no indication that he wants to, why would he?

[Gaeta]

Sarah: You have only been dating for 6 months. It's a drop in the ocean. Go find yourself a good man that is mature and actually wants to pull his own weight in a relationship. I don't understand why young women nowadays want to mother their boyfriend or raise them to maturity, this was stuff for women growing up in the 60s.

 

No, love is not enough.

 

No, you do not go to counseling with a man you've been dating 6 months. Dating is about finding a suitable partner for life, this one isn't, you move to next. Counseling are for married couples, not for bf-gf of 6months. When you are at the point of thinking counseling at 6 months it's because the relationship is over.

[LargoLagg]

He asked me why I wasn't happy like I usually was, laughing and playing around. I wanted to say the truth, that "I've been thinking about the future of our relationship and I don't think we can work out because of too many differences. It makes me so sad because I love you a lot, but I am just so pained to realize the truth that we weren't meant for each other in the long run." But I couldn't say the truth.

 

OP's boyfriend is not wrong to ask that question. It's definitely a fair question, and by her dodging the question, she's not doing anybody any favors.

 

This is where you're headed, which is why you didn't want to answer:

 

I can share a similar personal story where you switch "gaming" with "pot."

 

In my younger days I was a major pothead. Later, after I'd grown out of that and was just an occasional smoker, I started dating a guy who claimed to be an occasional smoker too. We'd smoke together sometimes and it was fun...something to bond over.

 

Over time, though, I realized he was in fact a full-blown stoner — he was high every waking moment of every single day. He couldn't hide that from me the more we got to know each other.

 

I had no desire to join that lifestyle with him ... I was way over that phase. At first I was annoyed about it, but that grew into resentment, anger, disillusionment. I tried to work with him to get him to cut down, but all that happened is he got better at hiding it.

 

We ultimately broke up over this. And I really did love this guy, and to this day five years later I miss him. But he gave me choice.

 

But in the long run, although Standard-Fare still misses him, she'd be miserable if she didn't do what she knew was right for her. Sometimes, the only answer is less disappointment rather than more disappointment.

 

Then OP, it almost never fails, this happens next:

 

I know via Facebook that he's married now, and I find myself wondering if he just found his magical match that could tolerate his addiction, or whether he actually grew up and cleaned up his act for this other woman. If it's the latter, it really sucks that he wasn't able to do that for ME, but ... I know he just wasn't ready at the time we were dating.

 

Sometimes what it takes is losing somebody to make you re-evaluate your life. For this guy, maybe it wasn't that he wasn't ready. Maybe it was that he needed to be shaken up, or alerted to the consequences of his lifestyle. Maybe, OP, the same is true with your man.