Compatibility issues? Is my relationship doomed?

[Gr8fuln2020]

IMO frugality is largely disconnected from your boyfriend's behaviour. If he is splurging on his hobbies and being calculative with you, he's being cheap, not frugal. Frugal people save where possible in their own lives, but it is still entirely possible for them to be generous with a partner. (By 'generous' I don't necessarily mean splurging on expensive dinners or such, just not keeping score if he paid a few dollars more than you)

 

THANK YOU ELSWYTH! That's me! I rarely spend money on myself and do my best to keep costs down. I save thousands per year! Retirement, kids' education and savings. Yay! I'm frugal, but when it comes to getting my kids, SO, family members something, I do my best to make them reasonably happy. :-D

 

Current at Disney World for the Thanksgiving week! When I spend for others, I go generous and relax a little. I find ways to save, but that is for the benefit of myself, family, kids. Personally, not so much.

 

This guy sounds CHEAP. CONTROLLING. SELFISH. He spends on his terms and for reasons that best benefit his temperament and personal satisfaction. This guy will not change or will do so with a lot of pain, resistance involved.

[sarah999]

Are you sure this is otherwise a very good relationship? Do you think if one day you lose your job or fail in a investment or get broke, will he help you out?

If you want to start up a company and need extra fund/investing, will he help you?

If you just in any case need his help financially, will he still be nice and affectionate towards you?

 

That's a good question! In the past I did joke a few times about getting fired or going broke and he said he'd take care of me. He keeps saying how much I mean to him and he wants to be with me forever.

 

...

What is often presumed, and what I think you're saying is that you're mostly okay with equality as long as any error or approximation goes in your favor. A 60/40 approximation with him paying sixty is equitable, but if you perceive that you're paying a little more then it absolutely unacceptable. This is the way 21st century gender equality seems to work, i.e. the slow reach.

 

I think it's pretty funny that you're excoriating him over being too tight, but you're the one keeping the spreadsheet and getting anxious about having reached the fifty-fifty point.

 

Frugal is good. You definitely do not want to end up mixing biology and finances with someone who is an irrational spender. Savers win every damn time. Budgeting is simply the art of making conscious decisions. How frugal (I think you're both on the frugal side), and how much it's talked about are variables you can adjust to make each other feel more comfortable. Eventually you two should be on the same page, approximately, and accept and allow for each other's inherent money style. Adjustments can be made.

 

I agree that it's often distasteful to have to talk too openly about money, and the frugal thing can start looking like stinginess on his side if carried too far, however, taken too far taken too far in the other direction it can make a woman appear to have an entitlement attitude and double standards.

 

Just say, ok buddy, I've repaid my debt –– your turn. If you get resistance pull out the spreadsheet and use it as the opener to discuss the larger issues. Start by telling him you're good with paying half or less, but not a penny more as you dissect that spreadsheet. :bunny:

 

Ok, I agree the spreadsheet makes me just like him, calculating everything. I mostly did it at the beginning because after he spent a couple hundred on me, I have a feeling he expects me to pay it back. So it was a way for me to keep track of paying him back. Maybe I was worrying about the 50-50 split, maybe I was mirroring his actions, which may not be good. I don't mind paying a bit more. I just don't want it to become a consistent pattern where I'm always expected to pay

 

It's more about the principle. I hope I don't sound like I'm entitled. I don't need him to pay everything for me or buy me expensive gifts, as I can well afford it on my own. But when he does pay it seems like he is implying that he is doing me a favor and I owe him.

 

...

 

The two worst examples I can think of, where we out one night and he bought the movie tickets and I the drinks. So in my mind we were even, not that I had been keeping score. When we sat down with the drinks he went quiet for a bit and then said to me, the movie ticket I bought you was more expensive than the drink and he told me I owed him the difference. It was about 50 cents.

 

...

Well my bf always has to remind me that he is keeping score. Like at the beginning when we were dating (not official yet), he bought movie tickets for both of us. Then afterwards when we got food, he said "I'll let you pay for our food since I paid for the movie tickets". I mean I would've figured some way to give back sooner or later, but he just had to remind me right then and there.

 

IMO frugality is largely disconnected from your boyfriend's behaviour. If he is splurging on his hobbies and being calculative with you, he's being cheap, not frugal. Frugal people save where possible in their own lives, but it is still entirely possible for them to be generous with a partner. (By 'generous' I don't necessarily mean splurging on expensive dinners or such, just not keeping score if he paid a few dollars more than you)

 

Yeah he likes to spend hundreds or over $1k at a time on electronics. But he is frugal with himself in other aspects. Like wearing the same clothes (I ended up buying him new jeans since the ones he had had holes). Or not getting a haircut. I did hint that he should get a haircut, which he did, but then he said he didn't feel he needed a haircut but he did it just for me and it was "expensive" ($30). Which irked me, again. I have no issues being frugal, but at least I take care of my clothing and appearance, even if I do use coupons or buy things on sale.

 

Another thing that irked me is tipping. Like once we ate at a relatively expensive place and we split the check. He tipped only 10% on his half (no issues with the food/experience.) Then I felt like I had to tip 20% on my part to average out the tip to 15%. Again, I don't mind spending a couple extra dollars, but it's just the principle that bothers me.

 

And then he and I were going to his friends's potluck party with 12 people. He send we should cook veggies and he went to buy veggies. He spent $2 on a small amount of veggies that if cooked, would serve 2-3 people. I said it wasn't enough and he said it's fine. Then I convinced him that we should go buy more veggies so we at least don't end up looking super cheap in front of his friends. Even then I felt bad at the potluck because others brought expensive dishes ($30 per dish).

 

I really hope I am not nitpicking. I don't mean to control somebody else's spending habits. But at times I just feel annoyed.

[Redhead14]

Ask him what his views are on marriage and a woman's role in the home . . . that may be a real eye opener. These types of guys, give the wife an "allowance", monitor grocery bills, electric bills, expenses, etc., and will lecture and limit activities of the woman especially if she is a stay at home wife or mother. If she has a job, she will be responsible for her own needs and wants and his money is his money and any he contributes to the household will be watched very carefully.

[sarah999]

If you want this to work, all this will take is open honest communication. What are you afraid of? Offending him? You are unhappy is that fair to suffer in silence? He's not a mind reader, he doesn't know the stress of his actions is putting you through. I'm sure if you tell him how you feel, and how his comments make you feel he's going to stop it. If you don't tell him, he is going to think everything he is doing is ok with you.

 

Yeah I am afraid of offending him as he is sensitive. I'm really sensitive too so I'm scared of any bad repercussions.

 

I think I am OK mentioning that his comments about the relationship being "too expensive" for him really hurt my feelings.

 

But I have no idea, or I don't know how to even broach the topic, or whether it's even a good idea, to discuss the main issue...which is how he is just so calculating about expenses and how it makes me feel. If I bring it up, I'm afraid he might get the idea that I'm expecting him to pay for me, and since he clearly doesn't seem too keen on it, he might end up harboring resentment.

 

This is so much of a headache

[Redhead14]

Yeah I am afraid of offending him as he is sensitive. I'm really sensitive too so I'm scared of any bad repercussions.

 

I think I am OK mentioning that his comments about the relationship being "too expensive" for him really hurt my feelings.

 

But I have no idea, or I don't know how to even broach the topic, or whether it's even a good idea, to discuss the main issue...which is how he is just so calculating about expenses and how it makes me feel. If I bring it up, I'm afraid he might get the idea that I'm expecting him to pay for me, and since he clearly doesn't seem too keen on it, he might end up harboring resentment.

 

This is so much of a headache

 

he might end up harboring resentment. -- And you won't????

 

Just be straight up -- "I've been enjoying spending time with you and I don't mind sharing expenses but it hurts my feelings when there are frequent references to how much is spent on dating me".

[sarah999]

Now that I am spending basically every day with my bf (of several months), I guess we are at a point where arguments are bound to occur. Which is fine. But I feel something's bothering me.

 

It all started out so silly, related to cooking, which is dumb. I'm just more concerned about the way he reacted. I grew up in a family where food cross contamination rules are important, and my bf didn't. My bf and I were cooking and he was going to chop cooked meat on a cutting board that just had raw meat chopped on it. I just said "hey can you use the [other cutting board]" and I handed it to him. Then later, he sponged up the dirty cutting board and then was going to use the same sponge to wipe down dinner plates. I just gently said to use a clean sponge for dinner plates and handed him a clean one.

 

Here's what happened:

-he sighed, looked annoyed (OK, maybe I did sound like I was nagging, I'm mostly chill. This is probably the only thing I've "nagged" him about. I've had horrible food poisoning before so that was why I reminded him. I briefly mentioned this to him and the reasoning behind why I keep cooked/raw stuff separate.)

-he said I was being too OCD and I should stop living my life in anxiety

-he thinks my suggestions make no sense and actually went online to "prove me wrong", and the sites he found actually proved me right

-afterwards he said not everyone follows the food contamination rules, he hasn't been following them all his life and he's fine

-in the end he said he'll follow my rules

 

Ok, we worked it out, right?

 

But then every time we cook, he would make remarks about how I'm too picky or anxious or have OCD. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes not so jokingly. So yesterday I felt hurt so I made a comment about how maybe we're not a good match, and then he got upset.

 

So we started talking/arguing. It wasn't heated or anything.

 

-I said I felt hurt when he made fun of me for following the food contamination rules

-then he said he was really annoyed when I "nagged" him that first time, since he said he's already doing dishes which he hates to do, and me telling him what to do makes his life harder. He said he hates being micromanaged. (Forum posters: coming from an objective viewpoint, am I really micromanaging him?) Okay, maybe I did "nag." But all I did was switch out his sponge and cutting board he was using, did I really make his life harder? On the other hand, he "nags" me too, like how I should dice chicken into larger pieces vs small pieces, how I'm only allowed to use dark meat for chicken stews, etc... I followed what he said and never made fun of him.

-then he said my comment about how we're not a good match was mean and made him sad. OK, in hindsight, I shouldn't have said it.

-We did resolve the argument. He still thinks I'm "overdoing" it but he is willing to accept it. We both said we were sorry.

 

But I still have a bad taste in my mouth from this whole thing. It's like he expects me to follow his rules but he has issues the other way around. And I am worried, if such a minor silly argument about switching sponges/cutting boards will lead to such an argument, I am worried about any larger issues/arguments in the future.

 

What do you guys think?

[kendahke]

But I still have a bad taste in my mouth from this whole thing. It's like he expects me to follow his rules but he has issues the other way around. And I am worried, if such a minor silly argument about switching sponges/cutting boards will lead to such an argument, I am worried about any larger issues/arguments in the future.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think that the bolded above is your issue with him and it deserves being discussed by two people who claim they want to be with one another.

 

I don't think what you asked was out of bounds or out of the ordinary at all. Who wants a dose of food poisoning? It's fine if he wants to play Russian Roulette with his colon on his own time, but if he's cooking for two, then he needs to cook like someone who wants their company to survive the night.

[Redhead14]

Now that I am spending basically every day with my bf (of several months), I guess we are at a point where arguments are bound to occur. Which is fine. But I feel something's bothering me.

 

It all started out so silly, related to cooking, which is dumb. I'm just more concerned about the way he reacted. I grew up in a family where food cross contamination rules are important, and my bf didn't. My bf and I were cooking and he was going to chop cooked meat on a cutting board that just had raw meat chopped on it. I just said "hey can you use the [other cutting board]" and I handed it to him. Then later, he sponged up the dirty cutting board and then was going to use the same sponge to wipe down dinner plates. I just gently said to use a clean sponge for dinner plates and handed him a clean one.

 

Here's what happened:

-he sighed, looked annoyed (OK, maybe I did sound like I was nagging, I'm mostly chill. This is probably the only thing I've "nagged" him about. I've had horrible food poisoning before so that was why I reminded him. I briefly mentioned this to him and the reasoning behind why I keep cooked/raw stuff separate.)

-he said I was being too OCD and I should stop living my life in anxiety

-he thinks my suggestions make no sense and actually went online to "prove me wrong", and the sites he found actually proved me right

-afterwards he said not everyone follows the food contamination rules, he hasn't been following them all his life and he's fine

-in the end he said he'll follow my rules

 

Ok, we worked it out, right?

 

But then every time we cook, he would make remarks about how I'm too picky or anxious or have OCD. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes not so jokingly. So yesterday I felt hurt so I made a comment about how maybe we're not a good match, and then he got upset.

 

So we started talking/arguing. It wasn't heated or anything.

 

-I said I felt hurt when he made fun of me for following the food contamination rules

-then he said he was really annoyed when I "nagged" him that first time, since he said he's already doing dishes which he hates to do, and me telling him what to do makes his life harder. He said he hates being micromanaged. (Forum posters: coming from an objective viewpoint, am I really micromanaging him?) Okay, maybe I did "nag." But all I did was switch out his sponge and cutting board he was using, did I really make his life harder? On the other hand, he "nags" me too, like how I should dice chicken into larger pieces vs small pieces, how I'm only allowed to use dark meat for chicken stews, etc... I followed what he said and never made fun of him.

-then he said my comment about how we're not a good match was mean and made him sad. OK, in hindsight, I shouldn't have said it.

-We did resolve the argument. He still thinks I'm "overdoing" it but he is willing to accept it. We both said we were sorry.

 

But I still have a bad taste in my mouth from this whole thing. It's like he expects me to follow his rules but he has issues the other way around. And I am worried, if such a minor silly argument about switching sponges/cutting boards will lead to such an argument, I am worried about any larger issues/arguments in the future.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I felt hurt so I made a comment about how maybe we're not a good match -- This was below the belt and completely off topic and unnecessary to do over something so small really. He agreed to accommodate your wishes for crying out loud. It's also passive-aggressive retaliation. This is the kind of thing that erodes a relationship easily. You don't give back-handed threats or imply that the relationship should/could end.

 

This one ended amicably and now you're trying to project/anticipate the next "event"???? Deal with it when it happens. Stay on topic, don't degrade the relationship. If it gets heated, you call a time out to cool off and suggest coming back to discuss it with calmer heads and each coming with a suggestion/plan for resolution.

[CommittedToThis]

Hi,

 

Tell him you dislike getting food poisoning, that it has nothing to do with OCD. Ask him if every employee in every restaurant has OCD?

 

I would tell him he can cook for himself from now on, and you do the same for yourself. If he wants to eat dinner off a plate that just had raw chicken on it, let him.

 

Tell him not to whine to you when his 'lil tummy hurts.

 

I'm with you, OP. Don't let this slob get you sick.

[Gaeta]

I don't suffer from any type of OCD and follow all the strict rules to not cross contaminate when I cook. Those rules aren't silly and are very important. It is not a matter to be nonchalant about so you were 100% right advising him.

 

The part you need to be careful about is to not start questioning your relationship each time you have a disagreement. Although I don't think it's the subject of the disagreement that bothers you but the way he handled your disagreement. If he handles all your disagreements with such nonchalance than yes it could be a reason to question your compatibility.

 

Let the dust fall down. He knows about the importance to not cross contaminate and he should be careful from now on. If he doesn't care about his health he should care about yours.

 

And one last advice, about you don't order each other around when you cook. If I cook than I want to be making all the executive decisions in my kitchen and use white or dark chicken meat as I wish and when he cooks he won't hear a peep out of me and he can make that spaghetti sauce as thick as he wishes.

Edited November 23, 2016 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Yeah I am afraid of offending him as he is sensitive. I'm really sensitive too so I'm scared of any bad repercussions.

 

I think I am OK mentioning that his comments about the relationship being "too expensive" for him really hurt my feelings.

 

But I have no idea, or I don't know how to even broach the topic, or whether it's even a good idea, to discuss the main issue...which is how he is just so calculating about expenses and how it makes me feel. If I bring it up, I'm afraid he might get the idea that I'm expecting him to pay for me, and since he clearly doesn't seem too keen on it, he might end up harboring resentment.

 

This is so much of a headache

This will be the demise of your relationship then.

[No_Go]

I was like you with my last BF. We are also both high earners so the issue was not apparent. Initially I always felt like I was paying more (we were alternating but he'd do the home dates like cooking at home and I'll pay when we go out... You get an idea of the balance...)

 

I was quiet initially. Then slowly start saying that I'm unhappy with the financial arrangements. He didn't get the hint and I turned nasty (was calling him names... I was so upset over all these months, especially when we started living together). Ultimately he took this as personal attack, attempted cheating on me, and that broke the relationship.

 

If I spoke my mind clearly, early on:

1) he would have either got the hint (he did but it was too late... resentment was build up)

or

2) broke up with me (which would be the better option to happen early on, not after almost 2 years, living together etc)

 

Speak up your mind! If you accumulate the resentment like I did.... I'm afraid you're headed towards similar outcome...

 

Btw how long have you ben together and how old are you two? This may matter in how to address the issues...

 

 

 

Yeah I am afraid of offending him as he is sensitive. I'm really sensitive too so I'm scared of any bad repercussions.

 

I think I am OK mentioning that his comments about the relationship being "too expensive" for him really hurt my feelings.

 

But I have no idea, or I don't know how to even broach the topic, or whether it's even a good idea, to discuss the main issue...which is how he is just so calculating about expenses and how it makes me feel. If I bring it up, I'm afraid he might get the idea that I'm expecting him to pay for me, and since he clearly doesn't seem too keen on it, he might end up harboring resentment.

 

This is so much of a headache

[No_Go]

With my last BF that was similar to OP's, the discussion went that way:

me: 'What will we do if we have kids?'

he: 'I'll get cheap daycare at work'

me: 'Really? When do you think we can get the kid to day care?'

he: 'In the day they are released from the hospital (birthing unit)'

 

He was almost 40 yo...

 

Ask him what his views are on marriage and a woman's role in the home . . . that may be a real eye opener. These types of guys, give the wife an "allowance", monitor grocery bills, electric bills, expenses, etc., and will lecture and limit activities of the woman especially if she is a stay at home wife or mother. If she has a job, she will be responsible for her own needs and wants and his money is his money and any he contributes to the household will be watched very carefully.

[basil67]

Yeah I am afraid of offending him as he is sensitive. I'm really sensitive too so I'm scared of any bad repercussions.

 

I think I am OK mentioning that his comments about the relationship being "too expensive" for him really hurt my feelings.

 

But I have no idea, or I don't know how to even broach the topic, or whether it's even a good idea, to discuss the main issue...which is how he is just so calculating about expenses and how it makes me feel. If I bring it up, I'm afraid he might get the idea that I'm expecting him to pay for me, and since he clearly doesn't seem too keen on it, he might end up harboring resentment.

 

This is so much of a headache

 

Does it actually "hurt your feelings"? Because I'd be more inclined to think that a usual reaction to this would be something more like exasperation or getting tired of the repetition. And finding his comments about you paying for your own taxi downright offensive.

 

If you're going to speak with him, be honest. If he's being a pain in the arse and you're sick and tired of hearing about money, let him know.

 

And for what it's worth, this is who he is. Talking about it probably won't change anything. It will simply be a necessary step towards a breakup.

[Gr8fuln2020]

@sarah999.

 

He already resents your out-of-control (sarcasm) spending ways! His annoyance at you spending for the taxi ride is indicative of a man who will be and is very controlling. He will continue to find ways to make you feel bad about how you spend your money and eventually find strategies to manipulate your feelings for him to get what he wants. Good grief, he cannot even pay for you when it comes to outings, etc.

 

You two have been dating for months. These are not the first few initial dates...you are a couple now. This guy will not change.

 

Is he financial sound? You say he has stocks, but that could be insignificant. Does he have a well-paying job? What are his more expensive hobbies that he selfishly protects?

[sarah999]

I was like you with my last BF. We are also both high earners so the issue was not apparent. Initially I always felt like I was paying more (we were alternating but he'd do the home dates like cooking at home and I'll pay when we go out... You get an idea of the balance...)

 

I was quiet initially. Then slowly start saying that I'm unhappy with the financial arrangements. He didn't get the hint and I turned nasty (was calling him names... I was so upset over all these months, especially when we started living together). Ultimately he took this as personal attack, attempted cheating on me, and that broke the relationship.

 

If I spoke my mind clearly, early on:

1) he would have either got the hint (he did but it was too late... resentment was build up)

or

2) broke up with me (which would be the better option to happen early on, not after almost 2 years, living together etc)

 

Speak up your mind! If you accumulate the resentment like I did.... I'm afraid you're headed towards similar outcome...

 

Btw how long have you ben together and how old are you two? This may matter in how to address the issues...

 

Wow, that sounds exactly like me! We've been together for 4 months and we're both in our mid twenties.

 

Ask him what his views are on marriage and a woman's role in the home . . . that may be a real eye opener. These types of guys, give the wife an "allowance", monitor grocery bills, electric bills, expenses, etc., and will lecture and limit activities of the woman especially if she is a stay at home wife or mother. If she has a job, she will be responsible for her own needs and wants and his money is his money and any he contributes to the household will be watched very carefully.

 

We briefly talked about it. He said we would share household chores and expenses. Which worries me since he spends minimum time on his chores and is overall really messy. Granted I am not super neat either but at least I don't throw my clothes on the floor, leave empty bottles and wrappers everywhere. This worries me, as when I go to his place, I feel I'm picking up after him. At my place, he helps out when reminded. But what would happen if we actually share a house? Would we really split chores and expenses?

 

Does it actually "hurt your feelings"? Because I'd be more inclined to think that a usual reaction to this would be something more like exasperation or getting tired of the repetition. And finding his comments about you paying for your own taxi downright offensive.

 

If you're going to speak with him, be honest. If he's being a pain in the arse and you're sick and tired of hearing about money, let him know.

 

And for what it's worth, this is who he is. Talking about it probably won't change anything. It will simply be a necessary step towards a breakup.

 

Well yeah I get tired of hearing the comments about "expensive", annoyance plus a little bit of hurt, like I am being called out for causing him to spend $.

 

And that time when I spent taxi fare, his annoyed comments consisted of calling me a "princess" because I refused to walk a mile in the cold while being sick. He also said I was "too opinionated" because I chose the taxi.

 

I guess I could try talking to him, to address his annoying comments. But as you said,I worry that the money control issue is too ingrained in him for him to change.

[sarah999]

@sarah999.

 

He already resents your out-of-control (sarcasm) spending ways! His annoyance at you spending for the taxi ride is indicative of a man who will be and is very controlling. He will continue to find ways to make you feel bad about how you spend your money and eventually find strategies to manipulate your feelings for him to get what he wants. Good grief, he cannot even pay for you when it comes to outings, etc.

 

You two have been dating for months. These are not the first few initial dates...you are a couple now. This guy will not change.

 

Is he financial sound? You say he has stocks, but that could be insignificant. Does he have a well-paying job? What are his more expensive hobbies that he selfishly protects?

 

Yeah the taxi ride incident bothered me more than anything else. Especially his comment about me being a "princess" and "why I am so opinionated". And speaking of controlling, we just had an argument yesterday about some silly thing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/603757-silly-arguments-bothering-me

As a result it seems like he doesn't mind controlling me? But I can't say my own input without meeting a lot of opposition and dismissal. In short, he was annoyed because I told him not to put cooked food on cutting board that had raw meat liquids on it. Said I was micromanaging him and he hated it. It was our first real argument since we started dating. Don't I have a better (more legit) reason to be annoyed when he refused to let me go on a taxi?

 

Maybe these two issues are related. It all boils down to control?

 

Yes he is financially sound and has a well paying job. He showed me his bank account and stocks. We both make good income (equal) and have a lot saved up, and no debt. He likes to buy electronics, computer parts, and video games.

Edited November 23, 2016 by sarah999

[basil67]

He called you a princess because you paid for a taxi when you were sick. And meanwhile you are worried about hurting his feelings. Do you not see how wrong this is? Him calling you a princess deserved nothing less than a "F Off you rude C" from you. He needed to be well and truly put in his place over that.

 

You should not be picking up after him at his house. And if he can't help at your place without being reminded, he should not be invited.

 

If you move in with him, I predict you will be doing all the domestic work. He will probably buy himself a fancy TV but gripe at you because you want to spend your money on decent coffee and some nice makeup. He will quibble over the cost of groceries or on takeout.

 

You're too nice. You're too accommodating. You've only been together for four months - it's hardly like there's serious commitment going on yet. And remember that this is the honeymoon stage....imagine what he'll be like when he's no longer on his best behaviour.

 

Save yourself the awkward conversation and just dump him.

[basil67]

Given the other issues in your relationship, your comment about the two of you possibly not being a good match was right on target.

 

Now you need to listen to your gut feeling.

Edited November 23, 2016 by basil67

[Shining One]

OP, as you provide more information, I'm getting the impression that your boyfriend favors equality when it benefits him. When it comes to shared expenses, he wants 50/50. When it comes to decision making, he is controlling. Personally, I don't tolerate women who selectively choose equality as it benefits them. I don't see how you can tolerate it either. I fear that if the relationship does progress, you will be relegated to equality roles where it benefits him and traditional roles where it also benefits him.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yeah the taxi ride incident bothered me more than anything else. Especially his comment about me being a "princess" and "why I am so opinionated". And speaking of controlling, we just had an argument yesterday about some silly thing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/603757-silly-arguments-bothering-me

As a result it seems like he doesn't mind controlling me? But I can't say my own input without meeting a lot of opposition and dismissal. In short, he was annoyed because I told him not to put cooked food on cutting board that had raw meat liquids on it. Said I was micromanaging him and he hated it. It was our first real argument since we started dating. Don't I have a better (more legit) reason to be annoyed when he refused to let me go on a taxi?

 

Maybe these two issues are related. It all boils down to control?

 

Yes he is financially sound and has a well paying job. He showed me his bank account and stocks. We both make good income (equal) and have a lot saved up, and no debt. He likes to buy electronics, computer parts, and video games.

 

I was married to a woman who micro-managed a little too much. Not too bad, but could get a little annoying. She was in a profession that required it, but shouldn't bring your work face home...that's another story.

 

Yes, controlling. I fear that a relationship that leads to something much more serious will only mean his vying for more control. I recommend you preparing to leave this relationship. You should see that he is selfish. It's not he has problem spending money, rather, spending money that doesn't directly benefit his desires. Is he a gamer? Plays games a lot more than he does attend to your needs or go out? Ugh.

[salparadise]

I recommend you preparing to leave this relationship.

 

Now, you know this is premature... we haven't even heard about his small penis, or not being 6'2", thinning hair or visiting his mother yet. We've got many pages to cover on this poor schmuck before we pull the plug. Just do like everyone else, and lay out the case so when we say go she'll dump him that same day.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Now, you know this is premature... we haven't even heard about his small penis, or not being 6'2", thinning hair or visiting his mother yet. We've got many pages to cover on this poor schmuck before we pull the plug. Just do like everyone else, and lay out the case so when we say go she'll dump him that same day.

 

I apologize, but had to laugh.

 

I wonder how some of the threads get as long as they do. It amazes me how it takes so much for some people to see how dysfunctional and dangerous the relationships they are in are.

[Dis]

Given the other issues in your relationship, your comment about the two of you possibly not being a good match was right on target.

 

Now you need to listen to your gut feeling.

 

I agree with basil. Too many problems too early on

[LargoLagg]

My bf of several months seems to have gotten stingier. Since the start we would split dinner bills, or if he paid once then he'll actually remind me to pay the next time. I know there's another thread about who pays for dating, but this thread is more about the his attitude towards me.

 

A few weeks ago he started to pay for me because he got a new credit card and needed to spend $x to get a nice cashback reward. He ended up spending a couple hundred on me (trips, dinner). At first he said I could start paying for him after he has spent enough on his credit card to get his reward. Then I offered to pay him back in cash, he said don't worry about it and he is "happy" to spend it on me. But then he joked about how it's expensive to have a gf and I am making him "broke." Even though he said it's a joke I think he's telling me something. Mind you, both of us make a lot of income and have a lot saved up.

 

So after he got his credit card reward, he just stopped paying for anything. Never bothered paying for dinners or outings so I paid for him, justifying that I'm "paying" my debt. I was ok with that, but then his attitude annoys me.

 

We started cooking together more often and I paid for groceries. Then once he went on a groceries trip by himself, and then jokingly complained that it was "so expensive but I bought it just for you." I was like ????. Both of us ate the food he bought and he only spent like $20.

 

And another time we were on a trip and I had a cold and was sick so I wanted a taxi back to the hotel, but he insisted on walking (to save money?). Then even though I paid for the taxi he seemed annoyed.

 

Then after I started paying for his gym, I calculated I had repaid all my "debt" to him. (I would've paid my debt in cash earlier but he refused.) Then he once said going to the gym is too expensive (even though I am currently still paying for his gym).

 

I don't know what to do. I don't mind paying my fair share but he seems intent on splitting things down the middle and saying these things that irk me. I hope I'm not being too sensitive? What would you do if you were me?

I'd stop splitting bills with bf's of several months. Way too early for that. Just offer to treat every now and again. If he can't handle it, or he doesn't have enough money to date properly, you've found your reason to move on.