Compatibility issues? Is my relationship doomed?

[BaileyB]

I'm coming late to the party, so forgive me if I've mistaken something.

 

Two thoughts - don't get me wrong, I am very particular about food prep/cross contamination too. But, this has less to do with food prep than it has to do with respect and communication.

 

And, what's done is done. I would not go back and confront him over things that have been said/done in the past. These issues need to discussed as they occur or shortly thereafter, if you need time to process the situation. Nothing good is going to come from the discussion if you go back and confront him about an old issue days or a week later, in my opinion. If this is an ongoing issue, be prepared such that the next time he does it, you can say what you want to say.

 

And, if I may, relationships really shouldn't be this much work. You really need to think about whether this guy is long term relationship material because if you get more of THIS in your future, I can't imagine that life is going to be very much fun for you... You need to quit the right fighting and stop focusing on the little things. You need to treat each other with more kindness and respect.

Edited November 24, 2016 by BaileyB

[anna121]

Don't confront him about past stuff. But do it the minute he repeats the behaviour.

[OatsAndHall]

 

Please do not give to much attention to the "dump him" patrol. It is very easy to tell someone you don't know to leave someone they don't know without knowing what is the investment and the possible consequences.

My 0.05$ is talk to him and try to solve things if you have interest on this guy... if you don't then you know what to do.

 

I was once told to date with both eyes open and then close one when you're committed. In other words, pay close attention to issues early on, see if they are something that you work through and then accept significant other for who they are once you decide to get serious with them. It appears as though the OP has one eye closed right now as it is her first serious relationship.In my opinion, the OP is skating on thin ice here as she and her boyfriend are becoming emotionally invested in one another but these fairly serious red flags are popping up..

 

From what she has posted, this guy, at the very least, has some serious control issues when it comes to money. Now, that may or may not be indicative of further obsessiveness within his personality but the fact that he is apparently already this controlling when it comes to not only his money but hers as well does not make for a stable relationship. His behavior, as she has described, is unhealthy in so many ways.

 

It easy to pass judgement from the outside looking and that may not be fair. But, there are times when that when that judgment is sound and is based on personal experience. Maybe she can hammer out these issues with her boyfriend, maybe not. But, I do feel that she needs to see that this kind of behavior isn't to be taken lightly.

 

I'm new around here and many of my responses revolve around communicating with a significant other and trying to work through problems. I generally only scream "RUN!!!" when someone has been cheated on or lied to. But, I am doing so in this situation as the OP is continuing to grow emotionally involved with a man who's actions speak volumes about his character.

[basil67]

I will talk to him after the holiday break when I meet up with him. We are both emotionally invested in each other, the consequences of breaking up will be heartbreak and pain as this is my first serious relationship I dread it as I still have feelings for him.

 

The alternative could be to stay in it a bit longer. The longer you stay, the more frustrated you will get. Ultimately, the more frustrated and disillusioned a person is, the easier it is to leave without heartbreak.

 

If you leave when you're truly ready, the end of a relationship can be experienced without heartbreak. Just relief.

[Els]

Yeah it's my first real relationship. Even though we are both in our mid 20s, this is our first relationship for him as well. Throughout high school/university, I had been too focused on school and getting started on a good career to really focus on dating.

 

I feel so inexperienced, haha, I feel most ppl my age have had multiple relationships and know what is normal vs not normal...

 

Don't worry about it. The best way to get relationship experience is... to experience relationships.

 

Most people don't end up with their first relationship. That's fine. It's all part of the journey of life. Yes breakups are scary and heartbreaking, but when you know an R just isn't working for you, they are a necessary part of finding an R that DOES.

 

I think it's fairly normal to put up with a lot of **** in your first R too. I know I did. This guy lucked out with having you as his first - you aren't so lucky.

 

Best of luck with the future!

[fenix]

.... OP, don't let anyone here presure you to do anything you don't feel inclined to do.

If you feel what your bf does is above anything you can tolerate and it has tainted the relationship to the point you don't want to continue it, by all means go ahead and break up. But do break up because you think is the best for you not because people you don't know and probably won't ever get to know tell you in a forum to break up with him.. Whatever your decision is you will be the one to face the consequences and no one here will be affected by it.

If you love the guy, my advise is always to try to communicate, talk to the other person and express to him what is bothering you, if he is not changing his ways you will always be able to take the decision to leave... but today people tend to run from relationships without fighting for them. If you care deeply about someone you try to fight for that person.

Edited November 25, 2016 by fenix

[OatsAndHall]

Today people tend to run from relationships without fighting for them. If you care deeply about someone you try to fight for that person.

 

You're right, there are people who run from decent relationships because of minor crap, insecurities, and just a lack of communication.

 

However, there are many relationships that end because people are blinded by their love for someone and ignore some disturbing behaviors and trends early on. As things progress people tend to become tolerant of these poor behaviors and find ways to excuse them.

[ElizabethIII]

You're right, there are people who run from decent relationships because of minor crap, insecurities, and just a lack of communication.

 

However, there are many relationships that end because people are blinded by their love for someone and ignore some disturbing behaviors and trends early on. As things progress people tend to become tolerant of these poor behaviors and find ways to excuse them.

 

I ignored my first boyfriends utter selfishness with money, and inability to even let me get away with paying 50 cents less than he had.

 

I should have listened to my instincts and I would not have wasted 2 years of my life with him. Because it was a symptom of something far far worse. He was selfish in every way possible.

[smackie9]

Sarah have you brought this up with him yet?

[kendahke]

 

Ok, that makes me happy right? So I said, "Yes, I understand, I really didn't mean to nag, I was just looking out for our well being."

 

He said, "Yeah, I know you mean well, but I still think you're overdoing it.."

 

Then started 20 min of debating that had my head spinning.

 

Then he went on to say that germs are everywhere, and we need to put up with germs. If I am so scared of germs, I shouldn't place my plants in my apartment because the soil might create airborne germs that make me sick. I was like, ?????. Then he was like, "If you want to be so clean, why don't you take it all the way? I saw you chop vegetables on a cutting board that had raw chicken juice. It seems like you're not following your own rules or are just arbitrarily following rules."

 

I said, "It was because those veggies were going right into the stew and will be cooked anyways. If I were cutting veggies for a salad, I'd use the other clean cutting board."

 

Then he said, "Well, aren't your veggies contaminated with chicken juice? Even if you cook it, the veggies have traces of chicken blood. What if a vegetarian were to eat our food, wouldn't you be contaminating it? I don't understand why you're not concerned about this?"

 

I was exasperated. (We both are NOT vegetarians.) I said. "If we had a vegetarian guest, I would cook carefully and respect the guest.".

 

If if if if if all day long. That's all he's got?

 

All of what he said was non sequitur to cross contamination with raw chicken. What does he mean by "what if a vegetarian were to eat your food"? There were no vegetarians eating the food, so that was a stupid, pointless fact to introduce to derail the conversation and deflect the fact that he was wrong when he dismissed your stomach. It's the "yeah, but..."- but nothing.

 

Germs being all over the place is non sequitur. Do you all go around licking up the living room floor or something?

 

What he is doing here is playing you and your concerns off. That is a form of disrespect and dismissal. He thinks you're stupid for having these feelings and you bringing them to his attention is an inconvenience to his laziness.

 

To him, your stomach and hygiene concerns are inconveniences he shouldn't have to accommodate.

 

I'm still failing to see what commends him as a boyfriend when he thinks you're an idiot for having concerns about cross contamination.

[kendahke]

Also I don't know if I should bring up another issue with him that bothered me. 4 days after I first nagged him about the food contamination and 3 days before the final argument we had, another incident happened. Since I have 1 larger cutting board for raw food, 1 smaller cutting board for cooked food, 2 large knives for raw stuff and 1 smaller knife for cooked stuff. He was cutting apples on the "cooked" cutting board using the smaller knife. He doesn't know how to cut very well and does so very awkwardly and slowly, and it's okay if he's new at cooking, I'm happy to see him learn. Well Idk what happened but he cut his finger and it bled badly. I quickly comforted him and gave him a towel, bandaid, ice, etc.

 

Then he said something hurtful: "*Sigh* I just don't understand why you always insist on using separate cutting boards and knives. If I had used the larger [raw] cutting board and the larger [raw] knife, I wouldn't have cut myself. I just don't get your OCDness."

 

Then he made me feel bad and I realized maybe I should get a larger cutting board/knife for cooked stuff as well. Maybe the smaller board/knife did increase the risk of him cutting himself? But then again, I felt upset that he blamed me when he cut himself. How could he guarantee that if he used a larger board/knife, he wouldn't cut himself?

 

Then he acted annoyed and went online and searched "raw vs cooked knives" and a site agreed with him, and then he was like, "see I'm right."

 

Then he said, "You should do away for separate items. If you touch raw chicken with your fingers, you wash your hands and then you handle cooked food right? So you should do the same for cutting boards/plates/sponges/knives."

 

I didn't really respond. Then after some silence he said "Sorry I got annoyed. It was my clumsiness."

 

This left a sour taste in my mouth but I told myself maybe he is having a bad day and I am overreacting.

 

Now I want to confront him about this as I don't want him to get into the habit of blaming me for every mistake he makes.

 

3 times in a two week span.

 

That's not good. At all.

 

Some things should be ended early on and this is one of those things.

 

No, you should not do away with 2 of anything in YOUR kitchen. If he can't cut a freakin' apple without cutting off his finger or berating you for having utensils for specific jobs in YOUR kitchen, then he needs to go home and let mommy cut it or buy apples already cut up.

Edited November 27, 2016 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

 

I didn't really respond. Then after some silence he said "Sorry I got annoyed. It was my clumsiness."

 

This left a sour taste in my mouth but I told myself maybe he is having a bad day and I am overreacting.

 

Now I want to confront him about this as I don't want him to get into the habit of blaming me for every mistake he makes.

 

He apologized and recognized he was wrong, why this need to confront him?

[Gr8fuln2020]

He apologized and recognized he was wrong, why this need to confront him?

 

Because of this:

 

...I don't want him to get into the habit of blaming me for every mistake he makes.

 

There are other issues this poster has with him.

[Gaeta]

Because of this:

 

...I don't want him to get into the habit of blaming me for every mistake he makes.

 

There are other issues this poster has with him.

 

They need to have a conversation about many of their issues but I don't think she should tackle it under the purpose of 'confronting him about this particular event'.

[Gr8fuln2020]

They need to have a conversation about many of their issues but I don't think she should tackle it under the purpose of 'confronting him about this particular event'.

 

The straw that brokes the camel's back is my understanding.

[sarah999]

I am starting to have questions about fundamental compatibility issues with my bf (together 4 months). We are both in our mid 20s.

 

I think me and my bf are on different pages. He is a video gamer, he's been gaming since he was a kid. I was a gamer too, and I think one of the reasons he liked me at first because girl gamers are rare. When we started dating we would game together and have lots of fun. Now I still play occasionally, 1-2 hrs on some days, but I don't feel passionate about them anymore and will be OK quitting. I believe it's better to immerse yourself in the real world than a pixelated world, and video games don't get me anywhere in life.

 

But he still loves gaming. Since we got together, he treats me as his priority and greatly cut down his gaming time, we would game together sometimes, but I don't do it for too long. But if the honeymoon relationship stage ends, what if he thinks I'm no longer as exciting to be with and goes back to gaming. (He used to game for like 12-16 hrs at a time, even more).

 

And another thing is, he thinks I love him for his video gaming skills. At the beginning when we played, he might've gotten the idea that the better he plays, the more I love him. I told him that's not the case but I don't think he believes me. And I think he loves me for my video gaming (among other things). I did say I plan to quit and he says he'll still love me even though he'll be very sad.

 

We don't live together, but we spend almost everyday together. And this video game issues leads me to other lifestyle compatibility issues I am worried about:

 

-Mess vs Clean: I must say I am not neat, more like average, I mean I prefer to put trash in the trash can, pick up clothes from the floor. He is however a slob and accumulates empty bottles, snack wrappers, dirty dishes in his apartment, throws items/clothes on the floor, etc.

-Lifestyle habits: I prefer to eat at roughly regular times, but he either skips meals or eats one huge meal or eats meals at random times like lunch at 4pm or dinner at 11pm. I'm trying to get myself to the gym more often. He said he will, but he now makes excuses for not going and we only go if I push him.

-Career priorities: Both of us have stable high paying jobs. However he seems to take it for granted, putting in minimum effort, and seems OK with being at the same place. I am not super driven myself, but I feel there's more I should do with my life. If he had extra time, he'd spend it on me, games, career, in that order. For example, if I am not with him, he will play video games until 3am and goes to work late.

 

 

What do you guys think? Generally, do lifestyle compatibility issues break a relationship (especially over the long term)? Do they spell a doomed relationship or is there hope to work around them like compromise or something? Thing is we are emotionally invested in each other and we still feel strongly about each other.

 

P.S. Some of you might've followed my other two threads, detailing issues. I still don't think those issues alone warrant an immediate breakup, we talked them through and have reached a mutual understanding. But these issues I've outlined here, speak on a more fundamental level. If you haven't read those threads, don't worry, just focus on this thread.

 

Apologize for the long post. Any and all input is appreciated!

Edited November 29, 2016 by sarah999

[Gaeta]

OK, he is a slob, that explains why he finds your kitchen clean habits annoying.

 

So you are mid 20s. I imagine one day you want to buy a house with your boyfriend and eventually maybe have a couple of kids. How do you think that will unfold with a man like him? The chores will be accumulating, the grass will be growing, the fence will need painting and he'll be sitting there playing video games. How will he be as a father? will he be available, will he trade his video games for Disney collection and watch Little Mermaid 200 times like most dads did?

 

I would have my doubts about him long term.

 

You know it deep down.

[Redhead14]

I am starting to have questions about fundamental compatibility issues with my bf (together 4 months). We are both in our mid 20s.

 

I think me and my bf are on different pages. He is a video gamer, he's been gaming since he was a kid. I was a gamer too, and I think one of the reasons he liked me at first because girl gamers are rare. When we started dating we would game together and have lots of fun. Now I still play occasionally, 1-2 hrs on some days, but I don't feel passionate about them anymore and will be OK quitting. I believe it's better to immerse yourself in the real world than a pixelated world, and video games don't get me anywhere in life.

 

But he still loves gaming. Since we got together, he treats me as his priority and greatly cut down his gaming time, we would game together sometimes, but I don't do it for too long. But if the honeymoon relationship stage ends, what if he thinks I'm no longer as exciting to be with and goes back to gaming. (He used to game for like 12-16 hrs at a time, even more).

 

And another thing is, he thinks I love him for his video gaming skills. At the beginning when we played, he might've gotten the idea that the better he plays, the more I love him. I told him that's not the case but I don't think he believes me. And I think he loves me for my video gaming (among other things). I did say I plan to quit and he says he'll still love me even though he'll be very sad.

 

We don't live together, but we spend almost everyday together. And this video game issues leads me to other lifestyle compatibility issues I am worried about:

 

-Mess vs Clean: I must say I am not neat, more like average, I mean I prefer to put trash in the trash can, pick up clothes from the floor. He is however a slob and accumulates empty bottles, snack wrappers, dirty dishes in his apartment, throws items/clothes on the floor, etc.

-Lifestyle habits: I prefer to eat at roughly regular times, but he either skips meals or eats one huge meal or eats meals at random times like lunch at 4pm or dinner at 11pm. I'm trying to get myself to the gym more often. He said he will, but he now makes excuses for not going and we only go if I push him.

-Career priorities: Both of us have stable high paying jobs. However he seems to take it for granted, putting in minimum effort, and seems OK with being at the same place. I am not super driven myself, but I feel there's more I should do with my life. If he had extra time, he'd spend it on me, games, career, in that order. For example, if I am not with him, he will play video games until 3am and goes to work late.

 

 

What do you guys think? Generally, do lifestyle compatibility issues break a relationship (especially over the long term)? Do they spell a doomed relationship or is there hope to work around them like compromise or something? Thing is we are emotionally invested in each other and we still feel strongly about each other.

 

P.S. Some of you might've followed my other two threads, detailing issues. I still don't think those issues alone warrant an immediate breakup, we talked them through and have reached a mutual understanding. But these issues I've outlined here, speak on a more fundamental level. If you haven't read those threads, don't worry, just focus on this thread.

 

Apologize for the long post. Any and all input is appreciated!

 

Lifestyle preferences are a key component to compatibility and it is right up there with conflict resolution skills. If there is a huge divide in lifestyle preference, it's time to move on before the conflict resolution aspect comes into play. Because, trust me, if you lived together and his slovenly and lazy behavior continues, there will be conflict.

 

he will play video games until 3am and goes to work late.-- Anything that interferes with an important aspect of a person's life, is an addiction.

 

At 4 months and seeing this divide, what you have now is what you will always have if you stay together. He is showing you "who he is" right now. You can love a person very much, and yet, not be compatible. You can "divorce" yourself now or wait until the conflict and resentment builds and go through an ugly divorce that costs you both so much more.

Edited November 29, 2016 by Redhead14

[sarah999]

OK, he is a slob, that explains why he finds your kitchen clean habits annoying.

 

So you are mid 20s. I imagine one day you want to buy a house with your boyfriend and eventually maybe have a couple of kids. How do you think that will unfold with a man like him? The chores will be accumulating, the grass will be growing, the fence will need painting and he'll be sitting there playing video games. How will he be as a father? will he be available, will he trade his video games for Disney collection and watch Little Mermaid 200 times like most dads did?

 

I would have my doubts about him long term.

 

You know it deep down.

 

That's what I'm worried about. Thing is, he keeps saying he's found his life partner and how he wants to spend forever with me. He talks about buying a house some day and raising a family and he said we would split housework and chores. But words vs actions.

 

My parents didn't approve of him from the start and I thought it was a case of "parents never think any guy's good enough for their daughter." At the beginning I chose to ignore these points, and I fought with them about this and now I'm beginning to see they have a point. They kept saying I could do better.

 

Lifestyle preferences are a key component to compatibility and it is right up there with conflict resolution skills. If there is a huge divide in lifestyle preference, it's time to move on before the conflict resolution aspect comes into play. Because, trust me, if you lived together and his slovenly and lazy behavior continues, there will be conflict.

 

he will play video games until 3am and goes to work late.-- Anything that interferes with an important aspect of a person's life, is an addiction.

 

At 4 months and seeing this divide, what you have now is what you will always have if you stay together. He is showing you "who he is" right now. You can love a person very much, and yet, not be compatible. You can "divorce" yourself now or wait until the conflict and resentment builds and go through an ugly divorce that costs you both so much more.

 

Yeah I know the truth, I just can't seem to face it. I'm trying to accept the fact that my relationship is doomed. I'm not sure how I can get used to being alone. I hate being alone, I'm gonna be pretty lonely. But if I stay I think I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.

 

Our feelings for each other is strong. Even though we've been together only 4 months we were good friends for over a year. So honestly it doesn't feel like a 4 month relationship, it feels much longer for me. Breaking up is too painful but if I stay I worry it'll be disaster for me down the road.

 

Not sure how I should go about this. As far as my bf sees, everything is perfect and I am happy and he is happy, except for some "minor" issues. He has said he is so lucky to have me because I am, well, implied that "I am above his league." But on my side, it feels like I'm "settling." Once I joked if I ditched him, he said he can't go on without me and die of sadness (as a figure of speech, not that he's actually depressive or anything). But I get how much I mean to him. I think the issues we faced so far (as outlined in the other threads), probably is because he hasn't matured yet and he doesn't quite know what it means to be in a relationship, especially a long term one. (He is younger than me.)

 

I have no idea how to go about breaking up or if I should just wait some longer for...I don't know. I just can't do it. I'll be devastated. He'll be devastated. Part of me wants to just go on and pretend everything's ok for the time being. Even if I know, somewhere down the road, there'll be an inevitable storm.

 

(This is my 1st relationship, his too.)

[Redhead14]

That's what I'm worried about. Thing is, he keeps saying he's found his life partner and how he wants to spend forever with me. He talks about buying a house some day and raising a family and he said we would split housework and chores. But words vs actions.

 

My parents didn't approve of him from the start and I thought it was a case of "parents never think any guy's good enough for their daughter." At the beginning I chose to ignore these points, and I fought with them about this and now I'm beginning to see they have a point. They kept saying I could do better.

 

Yeah I know the truth, I just can't seem to face it. I'm trying to accept the fact that my relationship is doomed. I'm not sure how I can get used to being alone. I hate being alone, I'm gonna be pretty lonely. But if I stay I think I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.

 

Our feelings for each other is strong. Even though we've been together only 4 months we were good friends for over a year. So honestly it doesn't feel

 

like a 4 month relationship, it feels much longer for me. Breaking up is too painful but if I stay I worry it'll be disaster for me down the road.

 

Not sure how I should go about this. As far as my bf sees, everything is perfect and I am happy and he is happy, except for some "minor" issues. He has said he is so lucky to have me because I am, well, implied that "I am above his league." But on my side, it feels like I'm "settling." Once I joked if I ditched him, he said he can't go on without me and die of sadness (as a figure of speech, not that he's actually depressive or anything). But I get how much I mean to him. I think the issues we faced so far (as outlined in the other threads), probably is because he hasn't matured yet and he doesn't quite know what it means to be in a relationship, especially a long term one. (He is younger than me.)

 

I have no idea how to go about breaking up or if I should just wait some longer for...I don't know. I just can't do it. I'll be devastated. He'll be devastated. Part of me wants to just go on and pretend everything's ok for the time being. Even if I know, somewhere down the road, there'll be an inevitable storm.

 

(This is my 1st relationship, his too.)

 

If I even think a storm is coming, I take a different route . . . I don't drive into the storm. That is what maturity is about -- insight and forward-thinking, ability to anticipate and make decisions based on objectivity and common sense.

 

pretend everything's ok for the time being -- Pretending is easy for children who don't have insight and vision for the future.

 

probably is because he hasn't matured yet -- You will end up being more of a mother to him than a partner. It will be a parent-child relationship if this is what you are already seeing. More of a co-dependent relationship given your inability to accept the truth.

 

If you put your head in the sand, you will suffocate and so will the relationship. You would be doing both of you a favor. It would be an unselfish decision.

[BaileyB]

He sounds like a boy. It's not normal for people to game 12-15 hours a day.

 

Long term, you would not have a partnership with him.myou will be working, cooking, cleaning, raising the kids all while listening to him complain about how family life is interfering with his game time.

 

If that's what you want, that's fine. I would have higher standards for a life partner.

[basil67]

Not sure how I should go about this. As far as my bf sees, everything is perfect and I am happy and he is happy, except for some "minor" issues.

 

And I bet if he posted here, he would say that the two of you only fought over stupid stuff. This is because he doesn't respect you enough to give credence to the idea that you may not be happy. He's got that self centred attitude of "if I'm happy, then her problems are not significant".

 

The fact that he sees everything as perfect and won't see your side of things is yet another nail in the coffin.

 

BTW, did he ever apologise for calling you a Princess that time you got a cab when you were ill? Because if he thinks this is acceptable behaviour, you really do have problems on your hand.

[SpiralOut]

It sounds like you've already made up your mind. If you do break up with him, don't mention the gaming issue. He might start bargaining with you, telling you that he can change, etc.

[smackie9]

sarah this is why you have relationships.....to learn about yourself, your needs, your expectations, your limitations and how to handle yourself when issues arise. This has been a good experience for you...you now understand the importance of compatibility to sustain a relationship for the long haul. The next thing you are going to learn is that relationships need to end, and it's for the better. It's only been 4 months and already you have posted thread after thread about your unhappiness....it's time to move on.

[basil67]

More on the topic of relationships: Relationships are about finding Mr/Ms Right. They aren't about being with M Wrong and trying to make it work.