danajari1230 Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 Hi everyone. I have no one I can talk to about this problem that I've been hiding for years. Lately, the issue has been more intense than any other time. I have been married for 10 years, together 13 and we have had children for 11 years of that time period. One of our two children is special needs with life-threading chronic illness, which many know, is a drain on a marriage. But, we co-parent well and we love each other so much. I owe my husband a great deal of gratitude for being an awesome dad and husband. Both of us have been faithful for our entire relationship but we've had our challenges, to say the least- pretty much on his part. He befriended a mid-20 something year old a few years ago and he admitted that he wanted to cheat on me with her. I sincerely believe that he never did, but he wanted to. This was when my libido was having major issues from post-hysterectomy which has since gotten better. He told her so many personal things about our sex life and everything. Of course, she ate it up because she probably saw him as a wounded marriage man. Then, early last year he became friends with a 30 year old single woman at work who he helped support during a tough time she was having while at work. He was the only person to stick up for her when she was being harassed at work. But, as far as I could tell he never actually made a pass at her and she never made a pass at him. But, I always felt like he was looking for a way out of the marriage just for a quick second to sow some oats. When I said that to him (that exact accusation) he would get upset. There is a part of me, though, that is still pissed off at him for sort of emotionally cheating on me.. if that's a thing (which I think is). I truly believe that he has never physically cheated on me, but he's definitely emotionally cheated on me. Me however, I have never spoken or interacted with any other man that way..ever during our relationship. Here's where things get extra ****ty- I met my brother in law several years ago and immediately was attracted to him. But, at the time he was married and I was almost married. Plus, he's always lived out of the state so it was easier to say goodbye from visits and try and "get over it." Although, I never have. But, I never said a word to anyone about it and always kept my distance from him. He and I have a ton in common that it's scary. I don't even know why I have these feelings for him. Recently, he has been separated from his wife and now we all live together- him and my kids and husband. I tried to fight this concept as much as I could because I knew that me having feelings for him like this AND living with him is dangerous. But, it wasn't like I could tell my husband about it and my kids deserved to live in a much better place than where we were before. So, here I am.. living in a house with my brother-in-law and my feelings are too intense for me to ignore. But, I try and keep my distance from him as much as I can. Thankfully, his job starts soon and he'll have to travel a lot of the time. I am trying to keep my feelings bottled up and most days I'm okay. I just deal with it. But sometimes, especially late at night when I leave the room that we are both sitting in and watching TV, I go to the farthest bathroom to just cry and let it out. I am scared that my feelings are way too deep for him. I know that I need professional help and I am currently on the search to find a therapist that will accept my insurance. I ask myself a lot - why? why am I feeling like this? I never plan to cheat on my husband. I know, never say never. But I would never have the balls to do it. I would never want to harm anyone- my husband, my children, or my brother-in-law. I would never want to turn everything upside down for my stupid selfish feelings. I hate that my feelings are so strong right now. I also suffer with depression and anxiety and it's been intense lately. I feel trapped. Link to post Share on other sites
Woltkluw2 Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 My wife has cheated on me throughout my marriage. It is so damaging. I was once a very confident guy and my self esteem never fully recovered. I wouldn't wish the pain and confusion on anyone. Think about your husband and the lifetime sentence he'll have. It's been six years since my wife's last affair and my head is still a mess. Having feelings for you BIL is pretty normal, I think. I've had a crush on my SIL from day one but have remained a faithful husband for 21 years. Half of the credit goes to my SIL. I think we've both been careful about how we treat the other. She may actually have no desire for me at all. I'm not sure. I know that she really likes the dad and husband I am and thinks I'm good looking. I think you living with your BIL is too much. Consider creating a reason to place some distance between the two of you. It doesn't need to be the truth... That might be too much for hubby to handle. This living situation is killing you. If he is enjoying you as much as you enjoy him, this could end very badly. This may mean that your husband doesn't "do it" for you anymore. I'm not sure. Counseling was a great idea. I hope you have some resolution soon. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Because you want to bang your BIL does not mean you have to. I see attractive women everyday at work. They are very attractive and I do think it would be hot to bang them though I don't. Marriage issues drag your husband to MC. An affair is not how a marriage is fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
oldbutcurious Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Let it (whatever physical you feel for BIL) all out to your husband, and keep your distance from BIL. Yes, Woltkluw2 is right, make an excuse to husband to - have separate housing arrangement with BIL. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 There is a part of me, though, that is still pissed off at him for sort of emotionally cheating on me.. if that's a thing (which I think is). I truly believe that he has never physically cheated on me, but he's definitely emotionally cheated on me. So, here I am.. living in a house with my brother-in-law and my feelings are too intense for me to ignore. I also suffer with depression and anxiety and it's been intense lately. I feel trapped. Give your husband some credit for not taking it any further. He probably just fell into those situations. You should be able to empathize with that, right? You'd better get out of that living situation before... you know. That kind of obsession combined with depression and anxiety is too much. Are you in therapy? You definitely need to be able to talk this out with someone. There aren't any easy answers. Move out and see a therapist. Don't tempt fate. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 This points to a deeper problem in your marriage. How emotionally and physically connected are you and your husband these days? Did your husband take ownership of and apologize for his emotional affair? You said things have improved; can you elaborate on that? Like the others said, it's one thing to find someone else attractive. But it's causing you a significant amount of distress that suggests there's a lot more to it than that. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Realize it for what it is: a simple crush. Did your husband tell you about these two girls he wanted to have affairs with? Was he open and honest about it or did you find out and THEN he was open about it? I think you should tell your husband how you feel and get it out in the open. Sometimes that right there can snap you out of the fantasy. Anything kept in secret tends to hold an excitement and an allure. Your marriage needs work and I think you and your H can use this combined with his past ..whatever they are....to go to a counselor and shore up some of the cracks in your marriage before it gets out of control and someone crosses a line that destroys your family. I am a betrayed spouse and it is HELL on earth. For me and my kids and my H...although we are healing our lives are forever altered. If your marriage is important to you and to H....be honest with him and get into counseling Link to post Share on other sites
Author danajari1230 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my long post and for giving such great advice. I'm counting down the days until the BIL spends more time away from home due to his job. It's definitely adding fuel to the fire with him around so much. I've made a lot of attempt (and will continue to) to stay far away from him while it's just me and him home. I don't think he has the same feelings that I do, which also helps. Being totally alone with this will hopefully help my therapy attempts while I try and figure out ways to get past all of this. I definitely give my husband a ton of credit and I will work as hard as possible to keep our relationship honest and strong. I've thought about telling him how i feel and haven't figured out the right way to tell him just yet. But, considering he was honest enough to open up to me about how he *almost* cheated on me he deserves to know how I feel and what I'm thinking, which affects the family. I also have to be sure that these feelings are truly real and not really about something else. That- a therapist can probably help with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author danajari1230 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 Things have improved in that he has taken ownership of what he did (or thought of doing) which I respected so much. He didn't have to tell me..although I did have to drag the truth out of him. But, he's human and here I am ..sitting here with this burden for so long. I'm no better. I can't help but wonder if he felt so torn like I do now. I'm not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
honestyrightback Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Really? I hate my bro in law because he's sludge .. But you are just lonely and missing what he is giving you. When we are so lonely we can find comfort to those close to us. You feel close enough to him and it's leading you to believe there is something there. He's not related to you and providing to you what you can't find elsewhere! not to worry but don't act on it. Get help. Borrow my bro in law. I think he turned me off bro in laws permanently. Link to post Share on other sites
honestyrightback Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Infact, my bro in law is a creep but I make money off him SOMETIMES. not all the time. Only when it's a must. If my sister left him and found someone else, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't force that but in my case.. My bro is not good. Nope! very ugly soul. He's a fake. He's not nearly as nice as people think.. Or maybe it's me and I pull the nasty out in everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
honestyrightback Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Yesterday.. Oh man, he wanted to do something that I would never but he comes from a rich family.. So the more I expose him to being able to ruin his life.. The more I am able to bribe him! Link to post Share on other sites
honestyrightback Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 Can I just vent.. I met my brother in law. I introduced him to my sister. I am garbage. Been garbage my entire life! I was on a boat cruise doing a strip show. He was the dj. My sister said "he's cute" and he liked me. I didn't like him but we got along. We were both bad.. So then one night, I hadn't called him. My driver picked up him and we both end up at another same place. In the car, he was on the phone. He was talking like he was a big shot but the phone dropped and no one was on it. I didn't care. I have and had problems. I didn't care at all. I knew he needed help. SO we hung out a few nights and he ended up at my house. My sister was home. I said don't worry I dont' like him. Then I left them alone because a better opportunity came along. I know all about better opportunities. Then I came home and my sister was on the phone but she wouldn't say with who. I said if it's him I don't care. Why lie to me and I knew she was also jaded. They end up beign together forever and til this day and to this day he's still the same old lier and she is still the same old messed up person too! Link to post Share on other sites
BoaConstrictor Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 If you think about it, it makes perfect sense that you would be attracted to your BIL. I presume he's a biological brother to your husband? If so, they probably have similarities that would attract you. I'm guessing this kind of dilemma is more common than you think. Sure, it might make the person who is experiencing the strong attraction feel like they are one step away from the Jerry Springer show, but if you manage to keep your feelings in check and never act on them, I wouldn't feel bad about the feelings. Through my own therapy, I'm starting to come round to the idea that feelings and visceral attractions are amoral. It's what we do with them that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
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