Opposites don't work out

[EnglishFrog]

Hi,

 

Here's my story to date. Sorry if it's long. I guess this is my way of dealing with things, and potentially looking for advice, or some moral support. I've been reading other posts in the section of this forum to help gather my thoughts, and these other posts have been very helpful.

 

I'm now 44 years old, and will turn 45 years old early next year.

 

My mother died at the age of 36 when I was 3-4 years old (she smoked a lot, and I always have sad memories of this -- this point is important for later on in my story). A few years later, when I was 9 years old, my father died (he had a massive heart attack in front of me in the swimming pool (the impression I got from distant relatives is that he had some news from the doctor about his declining health, and starting to get into shape, but did too much too quick). Both my parents were only children, so there were no uncles or aunts to look after me. I lived briefly with my grandmother until going to secondary school, where I then lived with my older sister in the home we had inherited. My sister who was obviously in a very vulnerable position at the time of loosing our father, ended up with a guy who's anti-social, and wants to control everything. I won't go into too much detail in this post about that (as this is off topic), but I'm not in touch with them (other than when my wife and I posted a card about our child being born). However, in summary, he wanted to suppress and control me, but with the help of staying a lot around my best friend's place, I got through school passing my exams, and went to university and studied up to doctorate level. Also, during my university studies, my sister and her guy purchased (for well under the going rate, because they couldn't afford any more) the half of the house I had inherited from me. I was however, with the funds able to purchase my grandmother's council house on the right-to-buy scheme, which inherited when my grandmother died. My sister and her guy would always let themselves in, never respecting any of the tenants that I had, so I ended up selling and moving to another place. I guess the point to the start of this story, is to say in the early years of my life, I have dealt with a lot (death, suppressing people, etc.).

 

I'd like to point out that anything I mention about my wife below is not intended to criticise her. I truly love her. My comments about her are observational.

 

I met my wife at a party in the UK (I am English) when I was 28 and she was 18 (there's 9.5 years age difference between us). My wife is French, and comes from a middle class family. She was initially studying medicine at the age of 16, but didn't like it, so stopped, and came to work in the UK as an au pair for a while to improve her English. We hit it off immediately, even if we were of opposite character.

 

In hindsight, I do think my wife has been selfish, probably as a result of being a spoilt child. For example, when visiting her before moving to France, on one occasion when I arrived in the early evening, she went out with her friends from Uni (she ended up studying law on her return to France), while I stayed in the apartment her parents rented for her. I guess I should have realised then.

 

We got married after three years of being together (13 years ago, in 2003). Due to my work (I'm independent, and can work remotely), I sacrificed my UK friends, and moved to France. I sold up in the UK, and purchased the house we live in (we have a "separate assets" wedding contract, which we done to protect ourselves professionally). She studied law, and then got a job in that domain. We had our first child (who's now a little over 2 years old) in June 2014.

 

As I said before, I don't mean to criticise my wife. I think she's a kind person, but she's always stressed, and over reacted to things. I think this paid a toll during our marriage, and would be the cause of our petty arguments (sure, I'm not perfect, but I do believe the majority of our petty arguments were a result of her over stressing and over reacting). As time went on in our marriage (due to the petty arguments, and probably because we are opposite (that's what she thinks)), we were less intimate, and drifted apart somewhat.

 

Last October (2015), she got a promotion in her job, where she pretty much deals with the same client (yes, we all know where this is going). Since going back to work (in Jan 2015) after her maternity leave, it is me who has pretty much been looking after our child.

 

I decided to no longer work Wednesdays, so I could profit from seeing our child grow up, and also, so I could take our child into town for lunch to see my wife.

 

I get our child ready every morning, and take our child to the child minder every morning. I pick our child up every evening. I cook, and manage everything in the house until my wife gets home. My wife really doesn't have to do much at all in the household (just some paper work every now and then).

 

During the last year (even if I work remotely), I have sacrificed my future work prospects to help my wife progress in her career. For example, I have turned down work from small clients (where I would have been able to do the "small" work in my late evenings), and I have declined some site visits to my major client, so that I could drop off/get our child from the child minder.

 

We were supposed to be moving, and were looking to buy a house in the centre of the town we live (for schools for our child). We currently live 4 km from the south of the centre (and I was happy to remain there for a few more years because the schools for infants are ok where we live), but the intended move would be both for the schools, and for my wife being in close proximity to her work place, so that she would not have a 30 minute commute each way. It is at this point, where things came to light. My wife didn't want to go through with the move. As she put it a few weeks back, she didn't want to move (which would have been a big cost to me) only to break up six months later. At this point I though she just needed time to think, and nothing was going on with another guy.

 

A week or so later, at the end of October, when having a weekend with her parents and sister to celebrate her father's birthday, she wanted me to call her sister to tell her where to meet at a parking. I took her phone, to call her sister, and there was a message from the client on her phone. So I calmly confronted her about the message from the client. She basically said, that we have drifted apart, and that she just clicks with the client. According to my wife, the client and her are similar, and just communicate so well. The client is 52 (17 years older than her), divorced with a 17 year old daughter, and smokes (that's important -- see later on). Frankly, when I learnt this, I was (and still am) so sad. I have a constant pain in my stomach. And learning this is far harder than loosing my parents as a child (when people die, it's not personal -- it's just their time to die). However, with what I have been through with loosing my parents as a child, I'm of the opinion that life is too short, and I've not been angry at all (that may change though -- see later on). I've just been so, so sad.

 

I worry for my wife. I think she's hit a crisis point in her life. Our marriage is far from perfect as mentioned above, with the petty arguments, and with the lack of intimacy. But I feel having our child plus our imperfect marriage has sent her over the edge.

 

Over the last few weeks, since learning my wife is starting to get things on with the client, I've been totally calm, and never wanted to argue. I've been here on this forum, reading other people's experiences and perspectives.

 

Basically, it has panned out like this:

- I find out about something going on between her and the client when she asked me to call her sister at the end of October.

- Since it's now out in the open (only me and her know, and I told a work colleague), she's been out with the client during various occasions during November. One time was with our child, where he smoked in proximity to our child (I asked my wife to tell him not to smoke in front of our child -- she knows what this means to me as my mother smoked a lot and died young). Since this time, she's told him I don't want him smoking in front of our child again, and he respects that (thankfully !).

- She stayed over night at the clients the night before her birthday, which was this weekend just gone. Spent the Saturday evening celebrating her birthday with me and our child (albeit texting at times to arrange seeing him on the Sunday).

- She saw the client the majority of Sunday, and tonight.

 

Now, although I am extremely sad, reading this forum has helped me cope. But I do worry somewhat for the future. Financially, there's no issue. But money doesn't buy you love, and happiness.

 

My worry is how things will pan out. Like I say, I have been calm and sad. At times we talk calmly. But on many occasions, my wife will just be totally irrational, and go crazy (like an "extended" version of her over-reacting). Everything in her eyes is my fault, when she goes crazy.

 

Some examples:

- After putting our child to bed, and waiting a bit before cooking soup and eggs. I start to say "I guess I'll cook the soup and eggs in 10 minutes"... before even getting to past the "I guess I'll cook the soup" part, she lays into me saying "oh, wait a while to be sure our child is sleeping as to not make any noise".

- On her birthday, I got her three pictures of her and our child, and a bag. We did a little snack between opening her presents and me cooking the meal. While I was cooking the meal, our child was playing with her bag. She was freaking out, asking me to come an help get the bag from our child (even though I am cooking). When they come into the hallway (next to the kitchen), she has her phone in her hand while trying to get the bag from our child (obviously texting the client).

- Our child likes to put her own clothes on now (at the age where they want to do everything themselves). When I'm getting our child dressed for bed, our child can be difficult, and not want to get dressed, and do it themselves. Without being in the same room, she goes crazy at me accusing me of not letting our child put her own clothes on, even though I was actually letting her do so.

- When putting our child to bed, our child, may cry and talk, and ask for us. During this time, I'm talking to my wife (to take her mind off things with our child who is stressing her). She goes crazy at me for talking to her.

 

Like I say, I don't want to get angry, upset or have any arguments. I've been so calm (but sad) this last month. But the last week or so, since things seem to be getting more and more involved with the client, I think my wife is becoming more and more unreasonable, and over reacting. I guess this is normal.

 

There's also the confusing moments when she talks partially like maybe being together in the future. At times she says to me she'll end up with nobody (neither me or the client). I've been telling her, I'll always be there for her (but if her attitude continues, I'm sure my sentiments will change -- but I hope not). I've seen another post, where it was said that one guy decided after his separation/divorce, he felt he had to walk the earth alone -- that's pretty much how I feel. Alone, or there for my wife.

 

However, my concern is she's just not thought things through, and she's just cracked, and needs help. She's said they're (her and the client) taking each day as it comes, but it does seem she intends to be with the client. She doesn't want to live with the client initially (or maybe not at all if it doesn't work out with him), but further down the line she would consider it. We agreed, that if we do separate, and she moves out we'd do 50/50 with our child.

 

Considering she does crazy hours (she's up at 6 in the morning, with a bit over 90 minutes in the bathroom), and back at 8-9 PM each night, during the 50% when she has our child, how on earth will she manage to cook for herself and our child, manage where she lives, and take our child to school.

 

Furthermore, because of what's now going on, we're unable to choose a school for our child. Personally, I'd want to put our child in the school which is 700m away from where we live. It's close by, and our child knows other children in the area. But my wife wants to move 4 km into the center, but doesn't want to take the time to research the schools in the center, in order to decide where to move.

 

There's so much more I could write. But I'll stop here for now.

 

But in conclusion, it seems (in our case anyway) that unfortunately opposites don't work out (especially if they are from different backgrounds and cultures). I'm just so sad, and now we have a child, who will ultimately be impacted by what is going on between now and the next several months/years. My big concern is for our child's well being.

 

In reading the other posts on this forum, my feeling is that my wife will never want to come back to me. I can accept this (I'm not in denial), but it's sad.

 

Also, my slight concern (for me), is I don't have a "support system". Since living in France, I have not had any friends (although I am a sociable person, who talks easily to strangers). Any friends I've had are my wife's friends. I have good immediate neighbours, and good work colleagues (but never see them due to remote working), and get on well with my wife's family. Other than that, I have nobody to really talk things through. To cope, I've been running during my lunch times -- sometimes "extended" lunch times. Since November 1st, I've ran 10 times, and my last run yesterday was a bit more than a semi-marathon distance. I'm not running away from the situation, but running is therapeutic and helps.

Edited November 30, 2016 by EnglishFrog
Typo

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

But in conclusion, it seems (in our case anyway) that unfortunately opposites don't work out (especially if they are from different backgrounds and cultures).

 

First, EnglishFrog, I'm very sorry you are facing this sad situation.

 

Yes, I think the different backgrounds/cultures has an effect in the early stages of marriage -- say within the first 2 or 3 years.

 

But you have been married for 13 years. If you were so totally opposite, I don't think your marriage would have survived that long.

 

My guess is that after being married for 13 years, your wife just wants to try something/someone new. She might be sorry in a few years OR she might say that she is very happy that she moved on. Only time can tell the true answer.

 

My wife decided she wanted to walk after being married 20+ years --- and I do mean walk. She left me and our 6 kids. So I became Mr Mom overnight. I did my grieving, and recovered. I look back with fondness because being angry and bitter really serves no good purpose.

 

I can sense your beautiful attitude on setting your wife free!! You will be sad, but there's no reason in being bitter or hating her. She voluntarily shared 13 years with you, she is the mother of your child --- set her free in love.

 

As a fellow traveler that already experienced the road you are now on, I'm here to say that you can pull through this, and you can go on to have a terrific life. And your child can pull through this and have a terrific life too.

 

I did not say it would be easy. You have your emotions to deal with, plus a lot of business stuff that will need to be transacted. Having a prenuptial will probably help a lot in the business end of things.

 

 

I'm just so sad, and now we have a child, who will ultimately be impacted by what is going on between now and the next several months/years. My big concern is for our child's well being.

Sadness is very normal -- don't fight that emotion in the early stages, but also don't allow it to go on too long. I'd say my darkest time was from month 3 to month 6.

 

After a few months, I was disgusted with myself for being depressed, and so I worked on truly letting go. One big thing that helped me was to realize she is a fellow traveler that deserves to have happiness too. Happiness for her was moving out into a new adventure, and it meant leaving me. I loved her enough to set her free. Once I got a grasp on this, I really began to recover quickly.

 

The 5 stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. You want to work towards accepting this loss BUT you don't want to get stuck in any of the other stages.

 

Maybe your wife will consider marriage counseling, maybe she will change her mind --- your marriage is not over yet --- but you are being wise in preparing for the worse.

 

 

 

Also, my slight concern (for me), is I don't have a "support system". I have nobody to really talk things through. To cope, I've been running during my lunch times

I had no one in my family or church that faced separation/divorce, so I was really on my own. I bought many books from Amazon, I read forums, etc., to help recover.

 

Google Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. This old book won't help solve any marriage issues, but it might help you understand some of the "why" your wife is doing this.

 

It describes the beginning, middle and ending parts of intimate relationships. Even if you don't buy the book, it's another resource to read comments. I used to print hundreds of pages of comments and read them during my break time at work. I was not looking to get my wife back, but I just wanted to be set free from her renting space in my head.

 

You are using running to help recover --- use whatever works for you, and eventually you will get through this.

 

Years ago, I heard a song called Most Of The Time by some guy called Bob Dylan. He is not even singing the song; it sounds like he is reading the words. But that song became a goal of mine.....to get to a point in life where "most of the time" I don't think about her, I don't remember if we were ever together or not, etc. I don't hear any bitterness in his song, I just hear someone that has moved on from losing his wife.

 

Use songs, books, forums -- anything and everything that is safe/healthy/legal to keep from getting stuck in the grieving process. I highly suggest no alcohol or drugs to numb the emotional pain. That will just delay the process and then give you a new set of problems to deal with later.

 

You lost your wife. That is sad.

 

But it's NOT the end of your life. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. You can still enjoy your daughter. You can still work. You can still run. You can still have a career, earn a living, etc. This crisis is temporary, and believe me, you will recover.

 

You can have a support system via email, phone calls, counseling in-person, and forums like this one.

 

A trusted friend is good too, but if you truly have no human to connect with, I'm here to tell you that you can still make it.

 

That's my pep talk to you.

Edited November 30, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[BAcK]

Sad to hear your story but according to me this is not entirely the result of incompatibility.

The fact that you guys got married very young, especially her is having a toll on your relationship now.

As the above poster said there comes a turning point in everyone's life.

Don't try to find answers. There aren't any. Just accept things as they are. I have seen couples of complete different nature very happy together whilst those having similar personalities don't gel well after some time.

So, there is nothing you could have done more.

As for your social circle, you should meet people. Go out. Socialize.

Spend time with your kids. It's de stressing.

And focus only on yourself and your kids. Don't chase a lost cause.

[mikeylo]

Opposites do work. Sometimes even better than those who seem to have a lot in common. But it needs a certain level of life experiences, understanding and compromises on both ends.

 

You guys married too young to have developed those attributes.

 

Sorry for the breakdown. Be kind to yourself.

[VeveCakes]

Your wife is not crazy....she is completely using you and you have become her doormat.

 

Why do you let her boss you around in regards to your child and the life choices?

 

Why are you accepting her staying over night with her affair partner and acting like its the norm?

 

Stand up for yourself man! You deserve so much better.

[anika99]

OP the one thing that stood out to me about your post is that you seem rather emotionless. I could be wrong as it's impossible to know much about someone by a single post but you seem rather distant and emotionally removed from the happenings in your own life

 

For starters I notice that every time you talk about your wife disagreeing with something you describe her actions as going crazy. You said she laid into you saying you should wait until your child is asleep before making noise. How is that laying into you? You say she went crazy saying that you should let your child put her own clothes on. How is that going crazy? It seem that you view any sort of disagreement or show of emotion as "going crazy"

 

Now your wife is openly cheating on you and you are just calmly accepting and allowing it to go on right under your nose. Where is your passion? You should be putting your foot down, demanding that she end the affair or leave the house. This calm distance and acceptance is not going to save your marriage at all. It sounds like you went through a lot of trauma as a child and learned to cope with that by distancing yourself from your true feelings. Children have this amazing ability to protect themselves by developing these coping mechanisms to survive but sometimes those coping strategies really backfire on us in adulthood.

 

I would recommend counselling for yourself so that you can get in touch with yourself and your own feelings.

[EnglishFrog]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for all your kind comments.

I was older when we married, but my wife was young -- she says she's changed.

I'm probably coming across as emotionless, but I think that's my self defense mechanism for not feeling emotionally hurt (having said that, I have constant tummy butterflies, so I'm obviously in emotional pain).

 

As for the laying into comments. Maybe I didn't explain clearly. But it just seems that since everything has come to light over the last month, and my wife is getting closer to the client, she's becoming more and more snappy with me, not letting me speak, and reacting/unjustly accusing me of things without knowing the facts. As mentioned before, she didn't let me finish my sentence and went crazy at me saying I should wait to cook -- but had she let me finish my sentence which would have had just a few more words, she would have realized that I was about to say exactly that. Similarly, for the shouting at me for letting our child put their clothes on themself -- I was doing exactly that but our child was having a tantrum -- my wife was in another room, and she's shouting at me telling me to let our child dress them self -- but that is exactly what I was doing. So it's like I'm getting laid into by my wife without my wife having concrete facts.

 

Unfortunately, I do think we are incompatible. But I was of the impression that a marriage was all about working on differences. I don't think I'm in denial, and believe it is over. I guess it can work with opposites (I was of that opinion), but I guess it's complicated and depends on the types of personalities involved.

 

However, I do love my wife, and feel I always will love her. Life is just to short to hate people, and to be bitter. Bitterness, hate, and negativity get you nowhere in life.

 

I guess I am being a bit of a doormat (I've been thinking that recently). But I am doing this for three reasons:

- for the sake of our child having some kind of transitional stability before my wife eventually does move out

- give my wife the chance to remain with married with me and have a family life (at the moment, I've said to myself I'll see how things go until end of March 2017)

- not give my wife any excuses for saying anything against me (she can stay as long as she likes, and I'm happy to care for our child while she's out)

 

My main concern and frustration is the uncertainty going forward for our child's schooling. Our child will go to school from September 2017. Usually, you do the application in March. But with my wife's current frame of mind with the day by day approach with the client, her procrastinating on what she'll do, and if and when/where she'll move are having an obvious impact on which school we choose. And the frustration is because it's a situation I can't win, because of the following :

- if I push for us to start doing research on schools, I know she'll go crazy at me and say we have to do this later

- if I suggest we don't have to research schools because the school 700/800m away from where we live is good for infants anyway, she'll say it's not possible because she plans to live in the center next year and won't be able to go from the center to the south and back to the center for her work when having our child during her 50% custody split -- she already complains about going from the south to the center

 

As for myself. For now, I'm holding up quite well. Work keeps my mind off things. Running is therapeutic. My child is inspirational. Reading is also helping. I stopped drinking alcohol from November 1st when all this came to light. In fact, the first time in my life I drank alcohol was the day of our wedding (due to loosing my parents when I was young, I always wanted to live cleanly). When I got married, I was in France, and figured it's the culture to drink a bit of alcohol when eating and celebrating. Since the separation, I haven't drank alcohol, and I will probably never drink alcohol again. So, please don't be worried about me consuming drugs or alcohol.

 

I guess my only concern that still exists is a lack of support system. Basically, my schedule impedes a support system, as I get up, look after the child a bit, then work (run at lunch), then get my child after lunch. My immediate neighbors are great, but at the moment I don't want to mention anything to them as that could make things awkward going forward with them and my wife.

 

Thanks to all again for your kind words and support. It's highly appreciated!

[Jump Through Loops]

I don't believe this has anything to do with being opposites, but I suppose it's always good to put a label on something which you see as the reason your marriage is in meltdown. I guess it helps you to cope a little, something to focus on, which is fine, but I don't believe it's correct.

 

 

I wish you all the best

 

 

Opposites do work. Sometimes even better than those who seem to have a lot in common. But it needs a certain level of life experiences, understanding and compromises on both ends.

 

You guys married too young to have developed those attributes.

 

 

I disagree with needing a certain level of experience to have a successful opposite relationship. What you need is a certain level of awareness that you are actually opposite in the first place and then take steps to accommodate for all the differences early on in the relationship. Age has nothing to do with it. It's all starts with awareness.