I'm a cheater and I want to amend my ways

[IamACheater2017]

If you put the effort you waste on the porn crap and all the thinking about it into your wife your relationship with her your life would be so much more fulfilling.

 

stop blaming something else or someone else this is your job to figure out

 

I agree with you, but I think you contradict yourself.

You said "put the effort" I "waste on the porn crap" into my "wife" and my "relationship with her" then "life would be so much more fulfilling".

 

That's right - and I'm telling you the reason why I felt numb so many times my wife got back home from work after I picked up the baby was because I masturbated - if I haven't I would feel more affection towards my wife and hence - discuss the needs etc.

 

It's definitely a key point - those of you who say it's not or saying I'm just looking to blame something are just wrong - this is a vital key element of the issue.

 

I have been looking backwards in my mind trying to think why we haven't discussed the topic so much and I've realized that masturbating alone has put me away from my wife, physically, and it did happen too many times - which is why I see it as an obstacle to healthy relationship.

Edited December 1, 2016 by IamACheater2017

[mikeylo]

I re read your first post. You've been in this lifestyle before you got married.

 

So man, you brought this into the marriage yourself. This has nothing to do with your wife , your marriage or communication. You've been going to those women long before.

 

Of course, when you are fulfilling your needs elsewhere, when you see your wife, you have nothing to offer to her. Your glass is full. But what about her ? She is emotionally and sexually unfulfilled and probably doesn't know why!

 

You are off base. You brought these women in your marriage because they were already there. It was ( is ? ) how you lived even before.

[mikeylo]

This makes me ask you further -- since you used to go to escorts before marriage , does your wife know about that ? You were single , so it didn't matter to you but does she know?

 

How does one get 'relief' from an escort with ' barely touching' ? A blow job is full on touch. What am I missing ?

 

Before marriage, what acts did you indulge in, with the escorts? Inter course ?

 

Your past lifestyle is still there. You haven't been able to let it go and you do want it otherwise you wouldn't have gone back to it 2 years ago and 2 days ago.

 

Dude, it's you.

[benpom]

Communication is not just about words. It's more about how they are expressed. Communication does not even have to involve words. Have you read the book 'the 5 love languages' yet?

[MidnightBlue1980]

It would help if people knew a few more details. You are painting your wife pretty badly here. In one post you said you only "get relief" on your birthday. How often do you "get relief"? Once a year? Once a month? Once a week?

 

The answer would help people understand if your wife is the problem or if it is your expectations of marriage and addiction to porn/prostitutes.

[kvolm2016]

You talk repeatedly in your posts about wanting to change your previous habits for meeting your sexual needs. You also talk about wanting to have open/honest conversation with your wife about your sexual needs. You are to be commended for having the desire to change. Is is possible though that you underestimate the difficulty of these changes? Your patterns of communication and actions are probably well established after 3 years of marriage and while that does not mean that it is impossible for things to change, it probably does mean that change will not come easily. Would you and your wife be open to receiving guidance from a professional counselor to help lead you through these changes?

[IamACheater2017]

Hello everyone,

 

This is an update after more than 6 months since I created this thread.

I remained faithful to my wife and things have been okay so far, I asked her to come with me to counseling about our sex life but she refused and it made me feel a little bit

 

I cut a lot on porn/webcam or anything similar (not saying it never happened in the past 6 months but it was much less than before), I am trying to give her a kiss and a hug in the morning but she genuinely seem to be in a rush to work ... when she's back we don't have lots of time because the baby needs attention and then she's or I'm tired in the evenings - we barely spend time together and I think that is what creates (and created in the past) those needs to go to prostitutes.

 

Of course I am not in touch with the previous prostitutes I have been to before and to be honest I don't even remember how they look like - I love my wife and I want to keep things on this good path that I've been through in the past few months but I feel like there is something wrong with how we live our lives.

 

We have money and we barely go out (because she doesn't want "strangers" to babysit out baby), and I see our family relatives with overdrafts going overseas many more times than we do ... we don't even go locally ... it's frustrating and honestly I don't feel like this is related to my cheating from (what I could say now) years ago ... it's just that I feel like something is wrong ... I definitely want us to work things out and don't throw them away.

 

Do you guys have any comments or suggestions whatsoever?

[wmacbride]

Throwing fire and telling her would only make things worse... what benefit will she get out of knowing? I've read about this online - there are so many girls out there who said they'd rather not know ... and of course they'd rather not know if it's once ... (twice is already crossing the border I know ... but I don't want to destroy my wife's happiness).

 

Telling at this stage of life would ruin the trust, the love, the happiness we share together - we do share those ... I don't think telling is the right way, I honestly don't.

 

 

You say this, yet you have seen escorts behind your wife's back? That doesn't make sense. your relationship is NOT built on honesty and trust.

 

I don't know if you have an addiction or not, but I would suggest seeing a professional for some feedback. they can really help you sort you way through all of this, and bring you some clarity.

 

If you went in to your marriage knowing her views, it's kind of disingenuous to expect her to change, especially as you say they are culturally based. This being said, you have a problem and it is making you unhappy and sending your mind in all sorts of directions. Try slowing it down a bit.

 

When you cut through to the heart of the matter, what is it you need the most from your wife? Once you figure that out, talk to her. She can't read your mind, and the only real way to affect lasting change is to tell her what you need from her.

 

When it comes to telling her about seeing as escort, in my opinion, you should. This goes beyond any sort or morality and becomes a safety issue. If you have any physical contact with an escort, you risk catching a disease that you could pass on to your wife. Add to that the idea that you are using another human being the way you are these escorts, and the situation is bad all around.

 

It also sounds to me like you have a lot of guilt thrown into the mix. I'm not saying, in way way at all, that I think what you did was acceptable, but I do think the guilt can make you even more prone to seeking "relief" again. Cut yourself a bit of slack. You cheated, but you are self aware enough to recognize you have a problem and want to take steps to not do it again. While your wife didn't cause you to cheat, you do have an issue with her that needs to be addressed.

 

Take some deep breaths, centre yourself and plan your next steps.

[wmacbride]

Okay, here are few things for you:

 

1) Read post #28.

 

2) Read post #28.

 

3) Read post #28.

 

4) If I will never repeat what I've done and change myself completely (and that STARTS with porn - some of you treat porn as "okay") - then our lives won't be a sham. If for the rest of our lives our sex communication would be open then we won't live in a lie.

 

Telling her is giving up on the marriage, breaking her heart, breaking her lives into pieces, tearing her soul apart and slapping her from side to side endlessly, that's what telling her would do - do I think she or I want it? no. Why bring fire into it? You drop an atomic bomb as last resort.

 

You're too quick to judge in my opinion, read post #28.

 

I won't ell you to be honest with her, as you have decided it's not right for you.

 

I will tell you that many bs view their marriage as having imploded the minute their husband or wife became sexually involved with another person, be that an escort, mistress, one night stand, etc.

[wmacbride]

The porn industry is definitely not to blame for the fact that you cheated on your wife. MANY people watch prom, and hardly any of these people cheat on their spouse. There is no link between the two.

 

You are sexually frustrated. Your wife is not meeting your sexual needs - because of personal, cultural, religious beliefs - for whatever reason, she is not meeting your needs. You need to talk with her or the frustration will grow and you will be at risk to do it again.

 

I do not believe that it is an addiction. I believe that the decision to cheat on your wife was a decision. You need to responsibility for that - don't blame the porn industry, or even your wife. Don't compare it to gambling and say if only you could take away the porn or if only your wife did something different... You made a conscious decision to go to that escort and you made a conscious decision to let her touch you.

 

You are very capable of making another decision. Its about honesty, integrity, and personal responsibility.

 

This !

 

Op, your actions are not anyone else's doing but your own. I know that sounds awful, but it is actually a good thing, as it puts you in control. What you know about and acknowledge, you can change if you don't like it.

 

Taking responsibility means taking back your power.

[wmacbride]

I re read your first post. You've been in this lifestyle before you got married.

 

So man, you brought this into the marriage yourself. This has nothing to do with your wife , your marriage or communication. You've been going to those women long before.

 

Of course, when you are fulfilling your needs elsewhere, when you see your wife, you have nothing to offer to her. Your glass is full. But what about her ? She is emotionally and sexually unfulfilled and probably doesn't know why!

 

You are off base. You brought these women in your marriage because they were already there. It was ( is ? ) how you lived even before.

 

um, op, if this is true, your problems aren't because of your wife. They go much deeper.

 

Is this correct, that you were using porn and seeing escorts before your were married? If this is true, then why are you blaming your wife?

 

This is just a thought, but is it possible you didn't like that you were using escorts and porn, and were hoping that once you got married, that would change and you wouldn't do it anymore?

 

I've got to say that if this is the case, it's really unfair to your wife, but I can understand why you might have had that hope.

 

I don't live in your culture, so I don't know how these actions are seen. This is just my point of view, but while cheating by seeing escorts is certainly bad ( and I think it's wrong) , it doesn't make you a monster. What's done is done, now what steps will you take, as you move into the future, to make your life with your wife ideal for both of you?

[IamACheater2017]

um, op, if this is true, your problems aren't because of your wife. They go much deeper.

 

Is this correct, that you were using porn and seeing escorts before your were married? If this is true, then why are you blaming your wife?

 

This is just a thought, but is it possible you didn't like that you were using escorts and porn, and were hoping that once you got married, that would change and you wouldn't do it anymore?

 

I've got to say that if this is the case, it's really unfair to your wife, but I can understand why you might have had that hope.

 

I don't live in your culture, so I don't know how these actions are seen. This is just my point of view, but while cheating by seeing escorts is certainly bad ( and I think it's wrong) , it doesn't make you a monster. What's done is done, now what steps will you take, as you move into the future, to make your life with your wife ideal for both of you?

 

wmacbribe,

 

Thanks for reading all this. Please note the thread is from Nov 2016 and I posted an update in post #57.

 

Perhaps the information in post #57 can be helpful to continue the discussion?

 

I do agree that my wife shouldn't be blamed for my wrongdoing long time ago, that's 100% right.