Am I being harassed?

[sickoflove11]

One of my coworkers who used to be interested in me is making me very uncomfortable. I told him almost 10 months ago I wasn't interested, as he thought I might have been sending mixed signals.

 

He is a very moody, emotional, guy who analyzing literally every word people say and always has to prove a point or give his 2 cents.

 

I'm the kind of person who can go to work, leave outside problems at home and do the job. Last night he asked me if I can stop wearing certain clothes to work because it hurts his feelings.. My work has a very basic dress code. I generally wear black jeans and a black collared shirt. Sometimes I wear a tshirt dress that goes down to my knees with tights. None of this is reveling in any way. I never have cleavage or any extra skin showing, I'm a fairly petite girl.

 

I have to work late at night with him sometimes just the two of us. I think he is sexist and super inappropriate. I think he is trying to find a new job but I don't know what to do until then.. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable addressing him directly, but I don't know if I should bring it to my managers attention.

[LargoLagg]

One of my coworkers who used to be interested in me is making me very uncomfortable. I told him almost 10 months ago I wasn't interested, as he thought I might have been sending mixed signals.

 

He is a very moody, emotional, guy who analyzing literally every word people say and always has to prove a point or give his 2 cents.

 

I'm the kind of person who can go to work, leave outside problems at home and do the job. Last night he asked me if I can stop wearing certain clothes to work because it hurts his feelings.. My work has a very basic dress code. I generally wear black jeans and a black collared shirt. Sometimes I wear a tshirt dress that goes down to my knees with tights. None of this is reveling in any way. I never have cleavage or any extra skin showing, I'm a fairly petite girl.

 

I have to work late at night with him sometimes just the two of us. I think he is sexist and super inappropriate. I think he is trying to find a new job but I don't know what to do until then.. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable addressing him directly, but I don't know if I should bring it to my managers attention.

I think he's emotionally clueless. Hurts his feelings because of what you wear?

 

Makes him horny, maybe.

Increases his attraction to you, maybe.

Makes him hate his actual girlfriend, maybe.

Makes him sad because he thinks you're beautiful, maybe.

 

Hurts his feelings? What an awkward thing to say, and a weird way to interpret what he's actually feeling.

 

You should probably just say something like:

 

You know, I've been thinking about what you said, and it's totally inappropriate. I don't care what you think about the way I dress. If you don't like what I wear, I want you to keep it to yourself. Do you think you can do that for me?

 

And then wait for him to answer while you lock eyes with him. Don't say a word until he does. Make sure he answers that question, that will put you in charge of that relationship. Assuming he agrees, then say something like:

 

Great. As long as you do, we won't speak about it again. But if I hear anything about it again, I'm going to report you to management.

 

 

I know it sounds cold and mean, but you need to establish yourself as an authority figure in his mind. Right now, he doesn't see you that way.

[basil67]

Telling you that what you wear hurts his feelings is really odd. It just makes no sense. And yes, this one example is inappropriate.

 

It's hard to comment further because you haven't given examples of his sexism or *ongoing* inappropriateness. However, if his behaviour really is inappropriate and sexist, feel free to talk to your HR department.

[sickoflove11]

I think he's emotionally clueless. Hurts his feelings because of what you wear?

 

Makes him horny, maybe.

Increases his attraction to you, maybe.

Makes him hate his actual girlfriend, maybe.

Makes him sad because he thinks you're beautiful, maybe.

 

Hurts his feelings? What an awkward thing to say, and a weird way to interpret what he's actually feeling.

 

You should probably just say something like:

 

You know, I've been thinking about what you said, and it's totally inappropriate. I don't care what you think about the way I dress. If you don't like what I wear, I want you to keep it to yourself. Do you think you can do that for me?

 

And then wait for him to answer while you lock eyes with him. Don't say a word until he does. Make sure he answers that question, that will put you in charge of that relationship. Assuming he agrees, then say something like:

 

Great. As long as you do, we won't speak about it again. But if I hear anything about it again, I'm going to report you to management.

 

 

I know it sounds cold and mean, but you need to establish yourself as an authority figure in his mind. Right now, he doesn't see you that way.

 

 

He send me another text yesterday after he saw me saying "why you do this to me?" I was just wearing gym pants and a jacket. I said what you wrote. He only does this over text so that's how it went. He apologized and I didn't respond but this morning he pulled a 180 taking back his apology. He said he feels its appropriate to ask me to dress in a way that doesn't distract him from being professional. He says I snap at him at work, I've never thanked him for anything and I've only been nice to him recently. I know you guys don't know me at all but this is completely false. Everyone knows he snaps and has emotional outbursts at work. I've been nice to him since the day I trained him a year ago just as I always try to be nice to everyone in general.

He says it's best we just don't talk at all anymore at all. But I'm his superior at work and this is just ridiculous. I'm not someone who enjoys getting people fired, but do I have any merit here for anything at all? This cannot be ok with any manager I wouldn't think or hope..

[LargoLagg]

He send me another text yesterday after he saw me saying "why you do this to me?" I was just wearing gym pants and a jacket. I said what you wrote. He only does this over text so that's how it went. He apologized and I didn't respond but this morning he pulled a 180 taking back his apology. He said he feels its appropriate to ask me to dress in a way that doesn't distract him from being professional. He says I snap at him at work, I've never thanked him for anything and I've only been nice to him recently. I know you guys don't know me at all but this is completely false. Everyone knows he snaps and has emotional outbursts at work. I've been nice to him since the day I trained him a year ago just as I always try to be nice to everyone in general.

He says it's best we just don't talk at all anymore at all. But I'm his superior at work and this is just ridiculous. I'm not someone who enjoys getting people fired, but do I have any merit here for anything at all? This cannot be ok with any manager I wouldn't think or hope..

First, I'd remind him that he he's not a professional man just because he wears a nice shirt, or a tie. That designation is reserved for people who practice a profession, rather than work a job. You know, like doctors and lawyers and whatnot. Well, ok, if you're his supervisor, you should probably skip that part. I'm not 100% sure what you mean by being his superior.

 

Back to the task at hand. Do you have a dress code where you work? Gym pants and a jacket, I'm guessing not. Gym shorts? Or gym pants? Like tights? I'm just asking. Obviously, a dress code would go a long way to helping resolve this issue. If you do have one, print it out and bring it to the next step.

 

In order to be credible, you have to follow through on your threat. You have to tell management. Keep the texts as evidence. Point out the "why do you do this TO ME", mentioning that it is ridiculous that you're targeting him. Explain that you don't want him fired or even punished, necessarily, you simply want it to stop. Offer to repeat the accusation if the manager brings him in with you there.

 

If he brings up anything else, no thank you's, snapping at you, whatever, all you have to do is say that none of that is an excuse to comment on the way you're dressed, and before you're willing to talk about any of these other things, you want this harassment issue resolved. In other words, don't get sucked in to discussing these red herrings. Focus, focus, focus.

 

I can't imagine any manager wants this in his shop. Good luck.

[DarrenB]

Address your employer/office manager/manager, any higher person and expose this.

 

I've had to deal with a couple people like this in the workplace, women and men alike. Each workplace follows strict conducts and rules and every employee regardless must oblige to them. If they cannot, then they should not be involved with that company or organisation at all and should be dismissed immediately.

 

In other words, confide in someone about it and let them take action. Like you've said it's inappropriate and is causing you distress, therefore it's mandatory that something should be done about it. You have every right to.

[Satu]

This guy is morphing into a stalker.

 

Pass it up to managment before it goes any further.

 

 

Take care.

[Gloria25]

This guy is morphing into a stalker.

 

Pass it up to managment before it goes any further.

 

 

Take care.

 

Stalker? Even though he has her cel?

 

Before she says anything to him or anyone about this, she needs to speak to a lawyer.

 

If she's his manager or supervisor, she should be able to handle this without getting anyone involved and if she does escalate this, imagine how it's gonna look if he has her cel and she hasn't told him to stop it yet. Also, the company might be upset with her for being his superior - yet getting personal with him.

 

And to play devil's advocate. She gave him her cel. For some reason he feels at liberty to speak and feel certain ways about her. She needs to send him a detailed text letting him know that she no longer is interested in him and that he must stop contacting her personal cel and stop contacting her for things that aren't related to their job. Then, once she sends that text, she needs to see about changing his or her's shift. I don't think she should be alone at nite with him anymore once that text is sent and/or the company is informed.

[rester]

He send me another text yesterday after he saw me saying "why you do this to me?" I was just wearing gym pants and a jacket. I said what you wrote. He only does this over text so that's how it went. He apologized and I didn't respond but this morning he pulled a 180 taking back his apology. He said he feels its appropriate to ask me to dress in a way that doesn't distract him from being professional. He says I snap at him at work, I've never thanked him for anything and I've only been nice to him recently. I know you guys don't know me at all but this is completely false. Everyone knows he snaps and has emotional outbursts at work. I've been nice to him since the day I trained him a year ago just as I always try to be nice to everyone in general.

He says it's best we just don't talk at all anymore at all. But I'm his superior at work and this is just ridiculous. I'm not someone who enjoys getting people fired, but do I have any merit here for anything at all? This cannot be ok with any manager I wouldn't think or hope..

 

He does not respect you as a superior and has majorly crossed professional boundaries. Bring a copy of the text conversation to your boss/manager/HR dept. and explain what your coworker said this morning after the text conversation. You have already given him a warning and now you need to follow through.

[GemmaUK]

Yes, this is harassment.

If I were your boss I would want to see the texts and would also want to deal with this right away.

 

I would also re-arrange rotas so that you didn't have to work alone with him.

[tilby]

One of my coworkers who used to be interested in me is making me very uncomfortable. I told him almost 10 months ago I wasn't interested, as he thought I might have been sending mixed signals.

 

He is a very moody, emotional, guy who analyzing literally every word people say and always has to prove a point or give his 2 cents.

 

I'm the kind of person who can go to work, leave outside problems at home and do the job. Last night he asked me if I can stop wearing certain clothes to work because it hurts his feelings.. My work has a very basic dress code. I generally wear black jeans and a black collared shirt. Sometimes I wear a tshirt dress that goes down to my knees with tights. None of this is reveling in any way. I never have cleavage or any extra skin showing, I'm a fairly petite girl.

 

I have to work late at night with him sometimes just the two of us. I think he is sexist and super inappropriate. I think he is trying to find a new job but I don't know what to do until then.. I'm not sure if I feel comfortable addressing him directly, but I don't know if I should bring it to my managers attention.

 

 

If it fits the office dress code and your manager hasn't spoken to you about your choice of wardrobe, then I would just tell him that your outfit is perfectly acceptable and say no more.

 

Sounds like the guy is a prude.

[anna121]

Stalker? Even though he has her cel?

 

Before she says anything to him or anyone about this, she needs to speak to a lawyer.

 

If she's his manager or supervisor, she should be able to handle this without getting anyone involved and if she does escalate this, imagine how it's gonna look if he has her cel and she hasn't told him to stop it yet. Also, the company might be upset with her for being his superior - yet getting personal with him.

 

And to play devil's advocate. She gave him her cel. For some reason he feels at liberty to speak and feel certain ways about her. She needs to send him a detailed text letting him know that she no longer is interested in him and that he must stop contacting her personal cel and stop contacting her for things that aren't related to their job. Then, once she sends that text, she needs to see about changing his or her's shift. I don't think she should be alone at nite with him anymore once that text is sent and/or the company is informed.

 

1. Yes. He can be stalking her even though he has her cell phone number. Why on earth couldn't he be?

 

2. I believe she has already told him to stop it, quite firmly. See her second post.

 

3. It is not uncommon for co-workers to exchange cell phone numbers. It most certainly is not an invitation to send texts implying that the other person is trying to distract and torture you by what they are wearing; or to whine about their lack of appreciation. I mean, WTH?

 

4. The most likely reason he got the idea that he could do this is that he is an anti-social creep with no sense of professional boundaries.

 

it is absolutely possible to harrass a supervisor and OP needs to get this on the record soon.

[anika99]

Stalker? Even though he has her cel?

 

Before she says anything to him or anyone about this, she needs to speak to a lawyer.

 

If she's his manager or supervisor, she should be able to handle this without getting anyone involved and if she does escalate this, imagine how it's gonna look if he has her cel and she hasn't told him to stop it yet. Also, the company might be upset with her for being his superior - yet getting personal with him.

 

And to play devil's advocate. She gave him her cel. For some reason he feels at liberty to speak and feel certain ways about her. She needs to send him a detailed text letting him know that she no longer is interested in him and that he must stop contacting her personal cel and stop contacting her for things that aren't related to their job. Then, once she sends that text, she needs to see about changing his or her's shift. I don't think she should be alone at nite with him anymore once that text is sent and/or the company is informed.

 

You are making a lot of assumptions regarding him having the OPs cell number. I have my manager's cell phone number. All the managers have work cells and they are expected to give the number to members of their team.

 

OP I agree with the poster who said he doesn't respect you and he is crossing boundaries. I think you are going to have to report this to someone. This employee is way out of line. I do agree with Gloria that he should no longer be working alone with you at night. Perhaps reflect on your history with this guy to determine if you unwittingly participated in this employee/superior breakdown. I'm not saying any of this is your fault, but is there some reason you can think off that this guy believes it's acceptable for him to talk to you this way?

[sickoflove11]

Thank you all for your advice and support. I work at a corporate coffee shop and we all have each others numbers especially us supervisors, for various reasons. We have a dress code and I follow it fully. My manager has seen me in every outfit I have worn to work.

I also want to be clear that I have NEVER been interested in this guy and I made that clear to him last February or so. I never contact him, he has only ever messaged me and I reply as a decent human would, in my opinion. I did tell him to stop when he commented on my clothes.

I think it is exactly as anna121 says, he is an "anti-social creep with no sense of professional boundaries." He is a very anti-social guy. He over analyzes everything so maybe me treating him more as a friend then coworker caused his disrespect of me.

 

 

TL;DR

I have reported it to my manager and she has opened an HR case. Nothing happened over the weekend of course and I didn't have to see him once, but today I have to for 3 hours mid day and I am so scared and nervous to be around him. I just hope the HR people do something quickly. I've never been in a situation like this so I'm not sure what happens next.

[LoveFiend]

You did the right thing reporting him. Stand up to that behavior.

[preraph]

What? Hurts his feelings because he can't see down your blouse? What a tool. Yes, report this whole thing to the manager and tell them he or whoever said he was looking for a new job, but just in case he's not, you will need to deal with the issue.

[preraph]

Whatever you do, put it in writing so management knows you're serious.

 

Oh, just saw your update. Hope he goes away soon. Don't expect it to be immediate firing. They can't do that without some liability. Have to warn. But maybe he'll get mad or his feelings so hurt that he'll quit. Hoping. Then you be careful and don't let him follow you home or anything the next couple of months.

[Got it]

Talk it to higher ups and HR. This is harassment and needs to be addressed by your company. He is grossly over stepping.

 

And as someone who is well versed in employment law, just because you gave him your cell number prior does NOT mean that it is not now harassment. One has nothing to do with the other. I would advise, to put clearly in writing do not contact me again, if you haven't said that already but I believe that has been done. Take screen shots of the texts, please don't delete them and give to HR.

 

He is not correct on his assumptions on what he can tell others to do, wear, etc. and this needs to be addressed clearly with him. Are you his current manager? If you are, you need HR to help sit down with him to address this and I would advise trying to have him shifted to another team if possible.

[sickoflove11]

Thank you every one for your advice and support. Unfortunately, it has been a few months now and he still works for the company but only 2 days a week.

 

I am his supervisor but we still have a manager that makes the schedules. She scheduled me to work with him at night once and I told her that was not ok. She said she "forgot" about my situation. And sometimes people need shifts covered and I have to beg them not to switch with him on those two days if it means I have to be around him for an extended period of time.

 

It just sucks to feel like management and HR don't care and don't take things like this seriously. Story of my life these days and I'm so fed up.

Anyways, just thought i'd post and update and rant a little.

[preraph]

Him saying not to wear certain clothes I think sounds like he is narcissistic. As if his feelings are uppermost to anyone except him.

 

I would certainly report it to someone if he does not leave soon. Make a list of dates and times he has said stuff or done something inappropriate. He is also controlling, it sounds like. He sounds mentally unstable and probably could become a real problem. Don't cut him any slack or give him any hope. And tell him "Stop telling me what to wear. It's none of your business."