Did I snuff out our spark in one blow?

[BluesPower]

Don't fall back into that thinking.

 

I know how you feel, I am missing one right now.

 

Remember that you are better off...

[joseb]

Damn I miss her. Our passion, love, the way she would touch me. What the hell happened to us. I feel like i was the cause. But then again she ditched me so quickly. I just wish I could open the door and see that smile she used to always give me when she came over.

 

The way she loved me. It was unreal. Snuffed out so quickly.

 

WTF?

 

Read you own post just above.

[datingacheater29]

I know. I'm working hard at it. We just broke up and my mind is all over still.

[BluesPower]

Dude I understand, trust me...

 

Just don't go back there. Trust me on that too.

[datingacheater29]

It has been nearly a month now of NC and awhile since I've posted.

 

I struggle most with losing who I thought she was. Keyword: thought.

 

She once bragged to a stranger how confident our relationship was and how much we trust each other. We both love seeing our friends and family outside of our relationship, and trust each other. How'd that turn out?

 

I really hate looking back at things she said or did that she clearly didn't genuinely mean. Funny how she went from worrying she wasn't good enough for me to me catching a whiff of something rotten and me thinking I would lose her. And I did. She told me a few weeks before the break she doesn't believe there is another man out there who could do the things I do to her heart. A part of me thinks she was ridden with guilt after whatever happened. And felt like we'd never recover (likely true).

 

It disgusts me really, and I hope it doesn't leave a mark. I don't want to carry this attitude into my next relationship. I feel played and manipulated, and not in the doormat kind of way.

[datingacheater29]

I've also decided she's not BPD or a cluster b personality type. I have a hard time understanding still, but I simply think she's unstable and immature.

[dumbass2]

Read the whole thread and congrats on how you are handling everything. NC isn't easy and if you've truly done the full NC, then you are stronger than most of us on here. Hold strong and continue through the grieving process and it will get out of your system.

 

It's funny that you say she isn't BP. I kept analyzing my ex and thought she was extremely narcissistic based on what I read. It was making it easier for me to have an excuse to get over her. I don't believe now that she was half as narcissistic as I thought. She still had some issues, but having good self awareness helps a great deal. You stop looking at the ex and just focus on making yourself better.

[datingacheater29]

Read the whole thread and congrats on how you are handling everything. NC isn't easy and if you've truly done the full NC, then you are stronger than most of us on here. Hold strong and continue through the grieving process and it will get out of your system.

 

It's funny that you say she isn't BP. I kept analyzing my ex and thought she was extremely narcissistic based on what I read. It was making it easier for me to have an excuse to get over her. I don't believe now that she was half as narcissistic as I thought. She still had some issues, but having good self awareness helps a great deal. You stop looking at the ex and just focus on making yourself better.

 

It's still pretty tough, but I feel like I'm getting there. There's definitely ups and downs though. I can't believe I lost her so quickly. It's shocking.

 

Why she did it and what the hell is running through her head beats me. We had a good thing and out future looked promising. Some people just seem willing to throw that all away for the next high. She went from being crazy about me and wanting to commit to not wanting to be in a relationship at all, in what seemed like a blink of the eye.

 

Cheaters, I just don't get 'em. And it only hurts to think about it. To think about her in the sheets with some other guy who hasn't even begun to know her like I did.

[datingacheater29]

NYE is on its way. She's with the OM. I'm with nobody, which is the way I want it. She's probably going to be in a relationship before I know it. What a way to live, flinging from one guy to the next with zero time in between. Gross.

 

I feel some peace coming over me. I grieve what I thought we were, which I believed so strongly. I feel so fooled by her telling me how committed she was and how committed she wanted me to be, back when I told her this was going too fast. She was insecure I'd find someone else, always asked why I would choose her. I let my guard down and then she struck. And now I'm asking myself the same questions she asked me.

 

It feels like the person I knew died. She disappeared without a trace. And it still finds ways to haunt me.

 

One day I won't care to understand why this all happened. One day.

[marky00]

I'm not saying your conversation caused her to lose feelings but rather it probably helped her confirm her position.

 

 

When someone is on the borderline of ending a relationship a conversation like that would have just made the decision easier.

 

 

In the conversation, you showed that you cared but she didn't offer you the same care in return. Once the inequality of feelings is put out into the open like that, the relationship is pretty much doomed.

 

 

I don't really believe her story about it being 2 weeks before the conversation.

 

 

You'll likely never know when she lost the feelings but it probably was some time before your conversation otherwise she wouldn't have said the things she did in that conversation.

 

 

She sounds like the type who is pretty egotistical.

 

 

If you wanted to be super strong and have the greatest impact on her, keep up the NC.

 

If she has been a little more emotional or w/e, then maybe you could have done a face-to-face but she is showing no emotion so just disappear. It will shock her you could be that strong.

 

 

Good luck.

Edited December 28, 2016 by marky00

[elaine567]

Why she did it and what the hell is running through her head beats me. We had a good thing and out future looked promising. Some people just seem willing to throw that all away for the next high. She went from being crazy about me and wanting to commit to not wanting to be in a relationship at all, in what seemed like a blink of the eye.

Some people like to self sabotage.

They find a good thing and they just do something that ruins it completely. It may be a job, a business, a friendship, a relationship, whatever.... but it is like they do not want to be happy, that they do not deserve happiness, so go to sometimes extra-ordinary lengths to foul up their own lives.

[jamili]

My ex self sabatoged too. Some people do that, and usually it's the avoidant-attached types loke someone said. She'll likely do it again to the next guy. Find a woman who wont self sabatoge a good thing is the goal.

[datingacheater29]

Some people like to self sabotage.

They find a good thing and they just do something that ruins it completely. It may be a job, a business, a friendship, a relationship, whatever.... but it is like they do not want to be happy, that they do not deserve happiness, so go to sometimes extra-ordinary lengths to foul up their own lives.

 

That seems crazy. I'm sure she left the relationship because she thinks she'll be happier with the guy she started becoming interested in. How she swapped so quickly I don't think I'll ever understand. And I personally know the guy and even mutual friends don't understand why the hell she would go after him over us. Is her character that weak? Is she that easy to sway? She never was at the bars and house parties we went to. Goodness.

 

I never thought about this until now.. but...

 

She did some psychedelics with him and other friends and maybe she tripped up, had a moment, etc. Because after that experience she didn't respond to me for 3 days, and then that's when she initially told me about her spark going out and not feeling the same anymore. But I don't know, I feel like I'm just speculating.

 

My ex self sabatoged too. Some people do that, and usually it's the avoidant-attached types loke someone said. She'll likely do it again to the next guy. Find a woman who wont self sabatoge a good thing is the goal.

 

She's not avoidant. She displayed tons of love and affection throughout the relationship. I know avoidant and they are more distance and aloof. She lovebombed me more than anyone I have ever dated (once we got to that point in our relationship).

[VeveCakes]

 

She's not avoidant. She displayed tons of love and affection throughout the relationship. I know avoidant and they are more distance and aloof. She lovebombed me more than anyone I have ever dated (once we got to that point in our relationship).

 

love bombing and acting very close and loving/ perfect gf type at first is a classic sign of avoidant types. They are not aloof and distant - that comes after the break up.

[jamili]

love bombing and acting very close and loving/ perfect gf type at first is a classic sign of avoidant types. They are not aloof and distant - that comes after the break up.

 

100% Exactly!!!!!!

 

 

My ex was just like yours OP - Incredible amount of "love bombing" throughout the relationship, intensely passionate and loving, literally the closest I've ever felt to anyone in my entire life, so intimate and close (nearly to the point of being overly clingly/needy) in the beginning and majority of the relationship. She was very much the "perfect girlfriend type", I've never felt so loved. Once you start to fall very deeply in love and reciprocate that fully, however - they pull away hard, and only after the breakup do they become aloof and distant!

 

I can almost promise you that you are dealing with an avoidant type here.

[datingacheater29]

love bombing and acting very close and loving/ perfect gf type at first is a classic sign of avoidant types. They are not aloof and distant - that comes after the break up.

 

100% Exactly!!!!!!

 

 

My ex was just like yours OP - Incredible amount of "love bombing" throughout the relationship, intensely passionate and loving, literally the closest I've ever felt to anyone in my entire life, so intimate and close (nearly to the point of being overly clingly/needy) in the beginning and majority of the relationship. She was very much the "perfect girlfriend type", I've never felt so loved. Once you start to fall very deeply in love and reciprocate that fully, however - they pull away hard, and only after the breakup do they become aloof and distant!

 

I can almost promise you that you are dealing with an avoidant type here.

 

I feel like this isn't an avoidant attachment style at all. Can someone else weigh in on this?

 

I mean it's true, she did lovebomb me and I was more hesitant to commit. But in the last couple of months in our relationship I decided to go for it. I opened up like I never have to anyone. I even teared up once after she kissed me a certain way and said something that touched me. It was beautiful.. and I never cry. She wanted me and her against the world, until I actually gave it to her.

[dumbass2]

I think the worst thing you can do is analyze your ex after a break up. You need to just turn it around and focus on yourself in the relationship and see what you might be able to improve upon for your next relationship in order to give that one a better shot of success. Trying to figure out an ex is an exercise in futility.

[datingacheater29]

I think the worst thing you can do is analyze your ex after a break up. You need to just turn it around and focus on yourself in the relationship and see what you might be able to improve upon for your next relationship in order to give that one a better shot of success. Trying to figure out an ex is an exercise in futility.

 

It's moreso for my sake and avoiding this type of person again. This one hurt more than a 3 year relationship I had. I felt really close to her and was pulled in tight. Then boom, gone.