A distance induced break: WHAT NOW???

[skyeblue]

A little more than 3 weeks ago (ahem, on election night at midnight) my SO called to discuss more than just the news. He said for the past couple of days he had been feeling like he couldn't continue our long distance relationship, that he felt like our daily phone calls were becoming more obligatory than longing and that his favorite part of our relationship, being completely ourselves with one another, was not something he felt like he could do via phone lines.

 

Honestly, I don't blame him. Long distance is ****. And even though we've spent long summers and winter breaks together, he doesn't feel like we've really lived together "in real life," because we've never been together when **** really hits the fan and the stress is piled high. I didn't disagree.

 

But here's the kicker: I have made plans to move my entire life-- my job, my education, my stuff, my dog, to his side of the country in January... just a month and a half away from now. North Carolina to California, not exactly a small life decision. (And to be honest, the big life plans we've made aren't exactly small talk either... I sincerely intend to spend the rest of my life with this man).

 

So, it's been three weeks since then. We decided to limit our phone contact, and went almost two weeks cold turkey before talking on the phone again. I can tell it's not a decision he made lightly either, we have both shed tears and constantly requestioned what the hell a break is and what it means for the near future. I understand that I had been putting too much weight in our daily phone calls before, we never talked about much but I clung to the phone because it felt like my only connection to him.

 

I am clingy. No beating around that. I miss the hell out of him and I don't know what the **** to do. I am still moving out there because hell, if there's a shot for us, I don't want to miss out on it. And besides, the plans are already made. I'm just confused on what to do now. I was originally going to move in with him but I don't think that is the best idea, at least for when I first get out there. And in some ways I'm mad as hell at him for putting me through this right before I move out there. It hurts, a lot. But at the same time, he had come out a month before all this and stayed with me for a month and nothing seemed amiss then. I can't help but wonder if maybe I've been delusional this whole time and imagining a deeper connection than he was feeling... but then I do remember things like oh yeah this is also the man that spent the last of his money just to come see me for a month. So it's very confusing.

 

I think a big part of it is the fact that he just moved to a new town and got a new job and he has been having trouble finding his footing, especially when attached to someone who wasn't even there (me!). I think he's been quite depressed lately, and I want to be there for him and have expressed that on the phone when we have talked since the "break" thing. He gives me small hints into how he's feeling, but he has a really hard time opening up on the phone. Last time we talked, we actually skyped and that helped a bit. We spent a large percentage of the call time just staring at each other. It's been two months!

 

So what I mean to ask is just, what now? Do you think I should still move out there? Is there hope for us? Or should I move on?

 

P.S. I'm really missing him tonight and am trying so hard to restrain myself from calling him (I really do want to respect his space) so I've drank some wine and written this instead (aka, not sure how coherent it is) so let me know if there needs clarification.

Edited December 1, 2016 by skyeblue

[ElizabethIII]

I had a LDR once. I was supposed to go on vacation to stay with him. He put me off and suddenly said he was struggling with the LDR and wasn't sure he could continue it.

 

I uncovered the truth. He had met someone else and hadn't dumped me until he was sure about her.

 

Your guy sees your phone calls as necessity now and he isn't even excited about you moving out there. He has cold feet about you coming.

 

The likelihood is, he has either grown apart from you due to distance or he has met someone else out there.

 

Don't uproot your life over there when he doesnt want you.

Edited December 1, 2016 by ElizabethIII

[ExpatInItaly]

This makes no sense.

 

You are closing the distance in January, so him saying the distance is so much of a problem that he wants a break now just doesn't add up.

 

I would not make that move. Something tells me there is more to this decision that will hurt you further.

[skyeblue]

There are other factors to me moving out there, for one, I am from CA originally and therefore get free community college classes there. And since I am struggling to pay for my schooling in NC, I was planning to go to CA for a little while anyways. I am actually moved out of NC now, and in Arizona with my mom for the holidays. I'm still sort of set on moving there, and we've talked since. I know he's not seeing anyone else and I trust that to be true. But I do know that he seems to be enjoying being single and I'm realizing I'm not hating it either. That being said, I still hope for the best with him and I because we share such similar values and life goals. But it seems I'm the only one who has that vision now. Kind of disheartening. But I suppose one must carry on. Time heals all things. It is still uncertain what it will be like when I see him again (in a week!). I'm not sure if I should slap him, kiss him, or ignore him entirely.

[justwhoiam]

Your story makes me think of when I was planning to see him and he was discouraging me from organizing the trip.

 

Life taught me that in a couple, roles can take turns. At times, it's on him to support me and encourage me and being strong for the both of us, and at times it was my turn to do so. When he got depressed after being laid off, I had to be strong for the both of us. That was the one and only time he didn't pick me up at the airport. It was hard. But I felt in my bones he needed my help really bad. I cuddled him, I tried to restore some of his self-confidence, I cooked for him, I did all I could to make him feel good. No pressure. I think it worked.