I'm becoming the other woman

[LisaYoung]

I have been lost and have been reading posts here for couple of days.

I need help.

 

So I have a good friend who has a boyfriend and they are going to get engaged in couple months.

 

Me and my girlfriend were friends for many years and we used to live very close to each other.

 

Couple years ago, she moved to another state. Her boyfriend was from that state. Thus, I never saw him In Person until they moved here to my state (my girlfriend's hometown) to get engaged and settle down.

 

The three of us met together the second day when they moved here. It was nice, we ate lunch together, took a walk in the park.

 

We together hanged out for the past couple weeks. We had a lot of fun together.

 

Then suddenly, about 2 weeks ago, he sent me a text message "You are gorgeous"

I thought he sent to a wrong number so I told him "It's lisa, did you mean to send it to S(my girl friend) ?"

He replied "No, I know it's you."

Then I went on silent, for a day. He sent me more messages in the next couple days.

 

He told me that he feels like he and S isn't a match. But thing has gone to far and he just can't break up with her.

One day when my girl friend was with her family solo. He invited me to have dinner at his apartment with other mutual friends.

 

I went there and I admit that it was more because of his compliments for me. He said I'm sexy, generous, beautiful, intelligent, having a big heart.

 

After the dinner, I stayed and had sex with him.

It was perfect, wonderful sex.

And tons of tons of guiltiness....

 

I hanged out with my girl friend when she came back.

She doesn't suspect, yet..

But from my side, everything is different.

The three of us have all together hanged out for a couple times after that. And I felt like in hell.

 

I've never seen him again solo. He sometimes send me messages, he says he wants more sex with me. He says it was great sex and he enjoyed it, and he wants me to be his lover, forever.

I don't know what he means. But I think he just want to keep both me and my girl friend.

And that's why I started feeling I should STOP.

But his messages are pouring on me, every day.

 

What shall I do ?

I have seen people talking about NC, but for me, it will be strange if I suddenly stop talking or meeting him, because of my girl friend. It will make her wonder why I don't want to hang out with them again...

 

I'm so helpless. I started thinking about him every day and although I wish he would leave me alone, I still expecting his messages. Very emotional.

 

Please help me !

Edited December 1, 2016 by LisaYoung
wrong word

[l8estnews]

I have been lost and have been reading posts here for couple of days.

I need help.

 

So I have a good friend who has a boyfriend and they are going to get engaged in couple months.

 

Me and my girlfriend were friends for many years and we used to live very close to each other.

 

Couple years ago, she moved to another state. Her boyfriend was from that state. Thus, I never saw him In Person until they moved here to my state (my girlfriend's hometown) to get engaged and settle down.

 

The three of us met together the second day when they moved here. It was nice, we ate lunch together, took a walk in the park.

 

We together hanged out for the past couple weeks. We had a lot of fun together.

 

Then suddenly, about 2 weeks ago, he sent me a text message "You are gorgeous"

I thought he sent to a wrong number so I told him "It's lisa, did you mean to send it to S(my girl friend) ?"

He replied "No, I know it's you."

Then I went on silent, for a day. He sent me more messages in the next couple days.

 

He told me that he feels like he and S isn't a match. But thing has gone to far and he just can't break up with her.

One day when my girl friend was with her family solo. He invited me to have dinner at his apartment with other mutual friends.

 

I went there and I admit that it was more because of his compliments for me. He said I'm sexy, generous, beautiful, intelligent, having a big heart.

 

After the dinner, I stayed and had sex with him.

It was perfect, wonderful sex.

And tons of tons of guiltiness....

 

I hanged out with my girl friend when she came back.

She doesn't suspect, yet..

But from my side, everything is different.

The three of us have all together hanged out for a couple times after that. And I felt like in hell.

 

I've never seen him again solo. He sometimes send me messages, he says he wants more sex with me. He says it was great sex and he enjoyed it, and he wants me to be his lover, forever.

I don't know what he means. But I think he just want to keep both me and my girl friend.

And that's why I started feeling I should STOP.

But his messages are pouring on me, every day.

 

What shall I do ?

I have seen people talking about NC, but for me, it will be strange if I suddenly stop talking or meeting him, because of my girl friend. It will make her wonder why I don't want to hang out with them again...

 

I'm so helpless. I started thinking about him every day and although I wish he would leave me alone, I still expecting his messages. Very emotional.

 

Please help me !

 

Oh, gosh. What a mess. Since you asked for help, I will give you my very honest opinion.

 

Just because a guy complimented you, you already had sex with him. Don't you think you are being such an easy-to-get girl?

 

Let's thicken the plot: The guy in question is the fiance of your long-time friend. You had sex with him. That makes you a what?

 

I don't know what to say. This isn't really a situation that you fell in love with the guy. You took the bait of booty call because of compliments alone.

 

You need therapy and a lot of soul-searching. You have boundary issues, and you can't call yourself a friend at all.

[MuffMan6969]

You still refer to her as a "good friend" of many years.....Sorry but friends dont do that to friends. Fess up to your "friend" and suffer the consiquences in my opionion.

[eye of the storm]

Lisa, you are not becoming the other woman. You are the OW.

 

Im going to be honest, this is a super sore point for me. My now xH left me for my supposed best friend. Years later, I have gotten past his betrayal, but still not over hers. Not because she was the OW. But because she was, I thought, my best friend. Someone I could go to and cry and get advice or a shoulder to lean on. And all the time she was banging my H. I asked her for advice on how to get my H back. I had no clue he was leaving me for her. I still feel stupid.

 

You are going to lose your friend over this. He is a piece of ****. If you need compliments so badly call your grandmother.

 

You had sex in her bed. He gets off having sex with her in the same bed he had sex with you in. Not because he loves you. He doesn't. But because it is an ego rush. He got her and her friend to. He doesn't love either of you. But you threw your friendship away because some slime ball sent you a bunch of compliments.

 

Is your self esteem so low that any random stranger that texts you some bland compliments will get in your pants?

 

Here is your future. She finds out. She tells everyone she knows, everyone you know, your family, her family, random strangers in the grocery store. None of your other girl friends want you any where around them or their BFs because if you sleep with one GF's BF, you will sleep with all of them. And slime ball dumps you because he is looking for the next pair of friends to destroy.

 

You had better figure out how to NC him. And, Im sorry to say, how to live with out her. There is no video game reset here. There will be life long consequences.

 

Unless you want this to be your life. (Where any man who compliments you gets to sleep with you.) You need to get some help and insight. Learn why this was ok. Accept the results of your actions. And move on.

 

Nobody likes it when their actions come home to roost. This will not be pleasant. But you were a full and willing part of it. Accept the results.

 

This doesn't have to be your life. You can grow and be a better person.

[Lady2163]

Okay, first of all....do you not realize how much of,a louse this guy is? Not just what he is doing to your friend, but to,you? Of course it isn't "too late" for him to end things with her. They aren't married with kids, mortgage and he isn't an indentured servant.

 

You need to step back and decide if this guy is worth losing your friend and your reputation. Warning: once other women find out what you've done, they won't want to be your friend and they won't want you around their men.

 

And I'm an ex-OW. But I've had friends who have poached men and they always wondered why I was never interested in double dating or why I excluded them from activities. I still socialized and talked with them but rarely if ever when my current man was around. One time I casually mentioned where I was going on date night and one of them just "happened" to show up. After that I missed her when I had plans with a man.

[anika99]

Are you so insecure that you have to sleep with a man just because he is flattering you? The fiance of your friend? He is obviously a very creepy lousy man to be doing this to your friend. He isn't being forced to stay with her or marry her. He is actually tricking her into marriage on false pretenses because she believes he loves her and is loyal to her. She wouldn't be marrying him if she knew what he was saying and doing behind her back. Ugh...what a horrible despicable man.

 

You need to start calling your friend an ex friend because you are no friend to her. Stop hanging out with her, stop talking to her, stop making a fool of her.

[malvern99]

What shall I do ?

I have seen people talking about NC, but for me, it will be strange if I suddenly stop talking or meeting him, because of my girl friend. It will make her wonder why I don't want to hang out with them again...

 

I'm so helpless. I started thinking about him every day and although I wish he would leave me alone, I still expecting his messages. Very emotional.

 

Please help me !

 

The answer to your question is very easy. You should tell your "friend" what you did as soon as possible. She deserves the truth and a chance to make decisions rooted in truth. Do that, and the you won't have to worry about NC. Why are you so suddenly worried about what your "friend" will think? It didn't stop you from betraying her so why should it stop you from telling her the truth?

[l8estnews]

Lisa, you are not becoming the other woman. You are the OW.

 

Im going to be honest, this is a super sore point for me. My now xH left me for my supposed best friend. Years later, I have gotten past his betrayal, but still not over hers. Not because she was the OW. But because she was, I thought, my best friend. Someone I could go to and cry and get advice or a shoulder to lean on. And all the time she was banging my H. I asked her for advice on how to get my H back. I had no clue he was leaving me for her. I still feel stupid.

 

You are going to lose your friend over this. He is a piece of ****. If you need compliments so badly call your grandmother.

 

You had sex in her bed. He gets off having sex with her in the same bed he had sex with you in. Not because he loves you. He doesn't. But because it is an ego rush. He got her and her friend to. He doesn't love either of you. But you threw your friendship away because some slime ball sent you a bunch of compliments.

 

Is your self esteem so low that any random stranger that texts you some bland compliments will get in your pants?

 

Here is your future. She finds out. She tells everyone she knows, everyone you know, your family, her family, random strangers in the grocery store. None of your other girl friends want you any where around them or their BFs because if you sleep with one GF's BF, you will sleep with all of them. And slime ball dumps you because he is looking for the next pair of friends to destroy.

 

You had better figure out how to NC him. And, Im sorry to say, how to live with out her. There is no video game reset here. There will be life long consequences.

 

Unless you want this to be your life. (Where any man who compliments you gets to sleep with you.) You need to get some help and insight. Learn why this was ok. Accept the results of your actions. And move on.

 

Nobody likes it when their actions come home to roost. This will not be pleasant. But you were a full and willing part of it. Accept the results.

 

This doesn't have to be your life. You can grow and be a better person.

 

Ohh, mess. I've read your posts but I can't seem to find a thread that is dedicated to this. Are they still together? No karmic situation? Nothing?

[eye of the storm]

l8estnews, no, they didn't last long. The A fog couldn't withstand real life and they discovered without the A they were not compatible. Both of them realized their lives weren't crappy because of their partners. Their lives were crappy because they made crappy decisions. So yes, Karma was vicious to them both.

 

They were both M. And she actually got the worst end of the fallout. Some people turned their back on him. But she was black balled from everything. I was surprised even people who knew of the A shunned her. I never understood why it was ok to be friends during the A but after everything became fully public suddenly they were "shocked".

[minimariah]

Then suddenly, about 2 weeks ago, he sent me a text message "You are gorgeous"

 

WOW - he is BOLD... isn't he? he has some nerve.

& it actually worked for him, too - unbelievable.

 

But thing has gone to far and he just can't break up with her.

 

LOL. he's not married to her & they don't have any children, i mean...

 

But I think he just want to keep both me and my girl friend.

 

he most definitely wants to keep the girlfriend... you + probably other girlfriends, too. i highly doubt you're the only one. & i'm pretty sure he did this before.

 

What shall I do ?

 

1. block him and go full NC.

2. tell the girlfriend.

[notmyselfnow]

Oh wow. What a mess.

 

Here's what you do if you REALLY feel guilty and want to make things right. Here's what you do if really want to make amends for your actions and try to repair at least some of the damage you have wrought.

 

You immediately tell your friend what you did. You provide her with evidence in the form of the texts this horrible man sent you. DO NOT LET HER MARRY THIS MAN.

 

Your friend will be angry at you and this will almost certainly end the friendship. She will probably tell other people what you did and they may shun you. You are likely to be publicly shamed. Those are the consequences of what you did.

 

Then you get yourself into some counseling and do some hard work to figure out why you would betray a lifelong friend so easily and quickly.

 

Best of luck.

[gettingstronger]

For your own good- please stop sleeping with your friends creepy boyfriend-

[aileD]

What you SHOULD HAVE DONE: Immediately show your "good friend" the texts that her boyfriend sent you.

 

What YOU DID: You were selfish and let your own need for attention take precedence over your friendship and you did something that you can not undo. You can never take back.

 

What you SHOULD DO: tell your friend you slept with her boyfriend, send her all the texts so she knows he's not a good guy, and remove yourself From BOTH their lives as you aren't a friend to her and she will not want to be yours anymore

 

Then you need to get yourself into counseling and work on your self esteem and work through What your issue is that you let someone's flattering words make you forget about how to be a decent friend.

[Satu]

Get ready for a world of pain op, because that's exactly what you've signed up for.

 

 

Take care.

[sandylee1]

Can I ask what your definition of a friend is?

 

What does friendship actually mean to you?

 

Because in life, men come and go. They cheat left and right. But when it's with a friend ... well that's a whole other kind of betrayal.

 

The guy is a sleaze. He wants you as a lifetime mistress.. and dresses it up by saying 'lover'.

 

Something made him think he could do this and you wouldn't say anything to her. What was that? He started sending you those messages ... he was bold enough to put it in writing, confident that you wouldn't tell your friend.

 

Think about that very very carefully.

[jen1447]

What shall I do ?

I have seen people talking about NC, but for me, it will be strange if I suddenly stop talking or meeting him, because of my girl friend. It will make her wonder why I don't want to hang out with them again...

 

I'm so helpless. I started thinking about him every day and although I wish he would leave me alone, I still expecting his messages. Very emotional.

 

Please help me !

 

Only one way to go. You have to first acknowledge you stepped in poop and own that, there's no wiggling out of it. After that the rest is simple - you have to tell your friend what you did and accept the likelihood that your friendship w her is now and forever will be in the toilet, and then get away from the guy and accept that you have no future w him and that the present you had was a massive error in judgment and bscly laying a giant turd right in the middle the dinner table.

 

Neither outcome is gonna be nice or fun or get you out of trouble, but what it will do is allow you some integrity going forward and free your mind from the nagging guilt and secret-mongering that you'd have to endure for the rest of your life otherwise, which would ultimately very likely shorten your life by a few years due to stress and unhappiness, quite literally. It'll also allow your friend to move on as best she can, eventually, rather than go around in the fog of the unknown.

 

So choose the confession path, own up to it, and salvage what you can of the mess you made of things.

[LisaYoung]

Thank you everyone.

 

Before anybody replied, I already decided to tell my friend.

So I did, last night, well this early morning.

I woke her up from deep sleep by calling her. I asked her to meet for something "real important" and "I can't hold it any longer or it will kill me."

And she came.

 

I always consider myself a very calm person, don't know why I gave the **** to him.

So when she came, I didn't think anything emotional. I just plainly told her what I did. And I showed her the messages between me and him.

I'm sitting here now and my mind is still at last night.

There, she was sitting next to me on a bench in the park, staring at my phone, silence. Then she looked at me, I couldn't look at her, I cried.

She asked me "Why?"

I kept saying "Sorry"

She asked me "Does he really mean more than me to you?"

She asked me millions times of "WHY?"

She cried, she pushed me, she smashed my phone to the ground. She stepped on my phone. She collapsed to the ground. I was trying to get her up, and she pushed me away.

She stopped crying and asked me "How many times have you slept with him?"

I told her that was the only time and it had been just 2 weeks. I swore to god that there was nothing more.

I know there is no way she would believe any words of mine.

 

She and I were sitting on the ground for a long time...

Most of the time was silence.

She didn't ask any specific questions like where or what time I slept with him.

I don't know what was in my mind. I felt like I must be in a drama movie.

 

Before she left, she looked at me again and said "I woke up and came at 2am for you, because I thought you needed help."

 

Then she left.

 

She hasn't contacted me since, my phone was destroyed. I've been checking on facebook to see if she sent me any messages or no. NOthing.

 

I feel like the end of the world...

[LisaYoung]

only if I could go back to the night before I slept with him...

I would do everything to stop myself .

[GorillaTheater]

The right thing to do is very often the toughest thing to do. You did the right thing.

 

 

I'm sure this hurts like hell. The worst thing you could do at this point is to waste that pain by not learning from it and not fixing whatever flaw in you led to this situation.

[aileD]

You did the right thing.

 

Now, you need to accept the consequences. Don't try to contact her again. Don't try to contact him again.

 

Please get yourself some therapy.

[Satu]

Well done on choosing to tell her the truth.

 

There's no reason to believe that this is the first time he cheated on her.

 

It's likely that he's done it before.

 

I hope she has the good sense to part company with him.

 

 

Take care.

 

only if I could go back to the night before I slept with him...

I would do everything to stop myself .

 

Why didn't you?

 

Thats a question you need to answer for yourself, at least.

 

 

Take care.

Edited December 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow OP, I'm impressed.

 

Lots of people know what the right thing is and don't do it.

 

Yes, you did something very serious and very wrong.

 

But then you did something very difficult and very right, something that had consequences for you.

 

But you told your friend the truth so she didn't marry this cheating douche.

 

It is going to hurt for a very long time, but if you learned from it and build yourself a better wall against flattery, it will serve you down the road.

 

You really, really did the right thing in the aftermath and I applaud your courage.

 

It will feel like it sucks. But you probably saved her from YEARS of additional heartache if she stop seeing him. If she doesn't stop seeing him, then she will know when the next time comes that this is a pattern for him, and then she probably will stop at that point.

[LargoLagg]

Comfort yourself with this.

 

In the long run, you've done her a favor. She might have married this guy. The WAY you did it might have not been so honorable, but assuming that they are done, you helped your friend IF she's smart enough to stop and think a little.

 

Next time something like this comes along, you'll know that it's better to just show the evidence first.

[Methodical]

I agree that you have done right by telling her. Her bff slept with her fiancé. That's a hard pill to swallow and a boatload to digest. He was quick to flirt with you. Makes me think this wasn't the first time he has cheated.

[eye of the storm]

Lisa, I know you are sorry. And you did the right thing to apologize and confess. We make the mistake of telling children that if they apologize all will be ok. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes our actions cause damage that "I'm sorry" doesn't even begin to start the healing.

 

Now, please don't take that to mean you shouldn't apologize. I am not saying that. Without admitting your actions, taking responsibility for them, accepting the consequences of them, and expressing remorse there is no chance for her to forgive you.

 

But the forgiveness, if it ever does come, will take awhile.

 

All you can do now it work on you, why did you do what you did, how can you not do this again.

 

You don't sound like a horrible person. You sound like a weak one. Well, good news. Weakness can be fixed. You can become strong.

 

I wish you all the best luck.