Crossroads

[naisu]

Dear Loveshack,

 

Three months ago, my girlfriend of 3 years decided to break up with me and wanted us to remain friends. Her reason was she had grew tired of me being immature and didn’t take our relationship seriously. She felt insecure, depressed and always in uncertainty with my actions for six months before the actual break up. She also added that it is also due to our age gap and our perspective differences that our relationship couldn’t work anymore.

 

However, she told me that she had looked past my negative side and focus on my good side, that is I have a ‘good’ heart. She also stressed that she is happy being around me without the expectations as a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship and her love for me has evolved to a stage where she believe it will be stronger than before like ‘family friend’.

 

At the end of the meeting, she wants to know my opinion about her decision. I agreed but deep down I was crushed.

 

We met three years ago through social media, I was aware that she’s a divorced with two teenage daughters. I was in my mid 20’s and she’s in her early 40s. We started as friends and became intimate eventually. Over the years, we had few big talks during our patch up after breaking up attempts from me. I didn’t blame her that she had enough of this emotional abuse.

 

I am angry at myself and regretted that I took her for granted after the nos. of chances she gave me followed by our big talks. I am in complete denial even though I accepted her decision and things didn’t turn out well. I shut her off and initiate No Contact Rule for about 2 months.

 

I am in the progress of recovery until one evening. I received a text from her about my belongings that is still in her place if I wanted it back. I replied and arranged the next day that I would pick it up from her place. We continued to chat over text. She’s telling me how she’s glad she found my stuffs and able to get my response – just casual talks. I thought I am over it and whole heartedly accepted the break up but I was wrong when I met her the next day.

 

For the past few days, we were spending a lot of time together. I slept at her place, we cuddled and hugged each other to sleep, she wants me to give her full body massage, she invited me for lunch and dinner, we went out holding hands, she would ask my opinion on what she wears and what shoes to match, etc. Just like our usual during our intimate relationship. We even kissed – once.

 

She told me it shouldn’t happen and we became very close. She explained to me that she’s afraid our relationship will turn sour again. For instance, when I’m in my mid 30s’ she will be in her early 50s’. She don’t want to take the risk to find out that I will have a younger woman behind her back. Or, I am still my old self and left her feel insecure all the time.

 

She further explained why she’s keeping our friendship because she wants us to be prepared if one day we happen to meet a significant other, we can be really happy for each other. That’s how much she loves me, she said. I’m crushed and this time I stood up and told her my piece of my mind.

 

I told her I do want her back and that’s the reason why I am around with her lately. We do agree that for the past few days, we were really happy together. We were so comfortable to each other (maybe got carried away) that we forgot where we stand as a friend. Anyway, I further telling her that we should stop seeing each other for the time being because I still have strong feelings for her. I do not think a friendship will work at this stage.

 

She broke into tears and explained her other reason that it’s because our relationship didn’t work before but at least this time we can support and going through this difficult phase together. She really wants this friendship. She did asked me if cutting ties now is what I really want and if it is, she’ll do it my way.

 

I changed my mind that instant. I fell. I hate to admit for the past few days, I have never been this happier but part of me tells me that this is wrong and I will fall harder one day. I am confused. What I did for the past 2 months of recovering has gone. I stopped doing what I do and focused all my attention to her. She still calls me and texts me from time to time and I also miss being around her daughters just like our old times, especially her youngest daughter who is always pampered around me.

 

I really hope I could guide myself back to recovery but now it feels harder to let go what I currently have now. Please advise…

 

Thanks.

[oldbutcurious]

Start looking at other women younger or closer to your age. Start small talk, be friendly. who knows what awaits you?

 

She may be right, about your incompatibilities - 20 years is quite - well a big gap to fill.

[naisu]

Start looking at other women younger or closer to your age. Start small talk, be friendly. who knows what awaits you?

 

She may be right, about your incompatibilities - 20 years is quite - well a big gap to fill.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate your honest opinion. My friends/ family said the same thing as well.

 

(I read your thread, I think I am like your husband. I'll go MIA for days/ weeks after we had an argument. I get easily agitated when I am under pressured with financial problems or parents. I avoid facing these problems by being in my own space until I am at my best self. She and her girls will always accept me back with open arms. And this routine became worse each time and also became a habit. I OVERLOOKED this. It is understandable why she became uncertain about the relationship and called it off.)

 

 

Anyway, how much it hurts me now for not being able to have what I want... I couldn't imagine how hurt she is THEN. Keeping her composure in front of her girls - as if nothing bad happened. Her girls aren't young anymore, they see things, they know things, they know what happened. What kills me is that until today, they ACCEPT me with open arms.

 

As I write along, I realized I FAILED AS A MAN. I am just an egoistic, male chauvinist bastard who took her for granted and am blind to see how much she loves me despite of our differences and incompatibilities.

 

Thank you Loveshack for this platform to express my feelings.