Contacted by married crush 30 yrs later

[phoenix1]

During my teen years, from about 15, a best friend in another town had a bf and we 3 hung out all the time, even after they broke up. We ended up getting together, and had a deep emotional connection always. We lived hours away and last saw each other at about 19-20 yrs old. We lost touch, it was not that easy back in those days to keep connected.

 

Fast forward 30 yrs later, he found me online with some effort, and we have been emailing/talking on the phone. Says he has thought of me many, many times over the years and remembers things in incredible detail. We still have that easy, deep connection and it is like no time has passed. He is married, married young, not long after we last saw each other, unhappily, but likely will not be getting a divorce anytime soon. Seems like such a dead end, but can't stop myself.

 

We will see each other over the holidays for the first time in 30 yrs , and part of me can't believe I am going down this road. I'm not saying I"m going to have sex with him, but I'm not saying I wouldn't either. It does not seem to be the primary driving force,. although I'm sure he wouldn't throw me off him. I have to see where things are, or am I just crazy to do this?

Edited December 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[l8estnews]

Girl, you are already in an affair. Emotional Affair. It doesn't mean that not having sex with this guy, makes your actions innocent at all. He contacted you for a reason, you know he won't divorce his wife, so you know all along what his plans for you: His side dish.

 

Cut this connection or you'll be very deeply hurt in the long run.

[Scorpio Chick]

You're just like he is: curious and bored. My situation I still have painful feelings about sounds almost virtually alike...he told me he's thought of me many times throughout the years. Told me specific things he remembered about me. It was MY deal though because I put credence into those words, from a married man. I completely, unequivocallly ended it thoughnot too,too long ago, so maybe 'your' MM is 'my' xMM, bored and looking for a thrill. We women should laugh at these men when they try to groom us to be their meaningless distractions. It would save a lot of wasted time and heartache. But then there'd be no Loveshack. ?

[phoenix1]

Oh, I'm fully aware that I'm in an emotional affair. It has been pretty innocent so far, but I'm pretty sure he is not sitting on the sofa next to his wife chatting with me. I know, I will likely be sorry, but feel like I have to at least meet him once. It's lunch, in the afternoon and then I have to be somewhere, all on purpose so I don't carried away in the moment.

[Scorpio Chick]

Well, it's not innocent in the least bit since you're posting about it in The Other Man/Other Women forum. I realize now I was played, completely played, from the first private FB message complimenting a recently changed profile picture.

 

These men are bored in life, as we all get. My xMM and his wife are involuntarily childless. He at least told me once he would never divorce. He may as well have said very clearly, "I want a side chick. You mean nothing to me." And that's what I came to realize. That a person I thought was a friend targeted me to USE. Hate to be bitter, but when mothers, fathers, etc...can shoot and kill or pimp their own kids,WHY do I think I'm exempt from another human being treating me like s#*t??

 

I hope you know what you're really signing up for.

[Forever broken]

I know, I will likely be sorry, but feel like I have to at least meet him once. It's lunch, in the afternoon and then I have to be somewhere, all on purpose so I don't carried away in the moment.

 

You don't have to meet him for lunch. Trust me affairs don't just start in the bedroom, it starts like that. If you insist on meeting him for lunch, let him bring his wife and kids with him then.

[notmyselfnow]

Oh, I'm fully aware that I'm in an emotional affair. It has been pretty innocent so far, but I'm pretty sure he is not sitting on the sofa next to his wife chatting with me. I know, I will likely be sorry, but feel like I have to at least meet him once. It's lunch, in the afternoon and then I have to be somewhere, all on purpose so I don't carried away in the moment.

 

It's not even slightly innocent. You are having an emotional affair and you have made plans to make it physical by meeting him, even if you are pretending this is not what is going to happen.

 

You are participating in destroying someone's family life. Does he have children? Can you at least consider what you are doing to them? Sure - he's the one who is doing it. But you are complicit as well.

 

If I cannot appeal to your common decency and sense of morality, perhaps you can be swayed by the reality that this is almost certainly going to end poorly. Go ahead and read through the posts on this website. That pain and suffering is in your future. Then read the infidelity posts. That destruction is what you will be participating in causing as well. Is that really what you want?

 

You don't need to meet him "just once" and it clearly will end physically. Be honest with yourself.

[Scarlett94]

I'm a BW. Before you have this lunch, let me tell you about my life.

Self esteem after his betrayal? Zero. And I'm an accomplished, wealthy, good looking woman who owns her own business.

Confidence after his betrayal? Zero. He affaired way down and yet he still did it.

Trust since his betrayal. Zero. My life consists of suspicions and distrust.

 

We're two years out now and I no longer feel this way. But it's taken me two YEARS to regain it all.

 

Is your lunch worth doing that to another woman?

[aileD]

Why would you do this to another woman??????

 

Because he told you his marriage is bad? His wife is still a human being. And to be honest he is probably LYING about how "horrible" his home life is .

 

I get that you have a "connection". But that ship sailed the second he married someone else. You have no right and no business exploring that "connection" anymore. He is married to another woman.

 

They probably have children. Are you going to be the woman that breaks up this family? That does that to children?

 

You said it yourself "it's probably a dead end road"

 

[]Tell him that you so t feel comfortable with him being married and he should have never contacted you and to leave you alone unless he's single. Tell him to be a decent man.

Edited December 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[imsosad]

You seem to think this is some harmless,exciting bit of fun that you can control. You want to taste the thrill. This will spiral out of control so fast it won't even register with you. The fact that you used to know each other means nothing. It does not legitimise or romanticise it one bit. He is married. []

 

He says he's unhappy. How original. They all say that. Things are good enough for him to tell you he's not divorcing. Notice he is already setting the terms of the deal with you. He will tell you how special you are and how he should have married you and how he always tbought about you...but when you will want more than to be his mistress, and you will want more, he'll remind you how he said right from the start he's not leaving.

 

You are setting yourself up for a world of pain and regret. You think you can tease your day to day life with this bit of exciting fun but trust us-we have all been where you are now. On the verge. Still time to back down. You are creating a monster. You've lived 30 years without this man, you can live 30 more without him. Ultimately, he's looking for [an affair partner].

 

Also, have you thought for one second about his wife? I will take a wild guess and say he probably told you she is cold, distant, controlling, does not appreciate him and they have grown apart emotionally. Think of this woman, investing thirty years in to her marriage, building her home. Do you feel you have a right to her husband? []

Edited December 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and language

[BTDT2012]

Don't do it.

[Lady2163]

OP, We are about the same age. Years ago, I tracked down many of my special friends from my younger days. I found one just this year and he is from 30 years ago.

 

I was genuinely hoping some of them were single and we could make a go of it. None of them were. Some I've maintained contact with, but it isn't flirty and their wives are included (snail mail Christmas card/birthday card etc.). Most I discovered we didn't have much in common.

 

I don't know that you're in an emotional affair YET, but you are on your way.

 

How do you want this to either go or end?

[whichwayisup]

You're about to make a really bad mistake. You do NOT 'know' this guy anymore, 30 years later you have no idea who he is. But, fact that he looked you up after so many years and isn't interested in platonic friendship (meaning, introducing you to his wife and family/kids, involving you as a friend TO the marriage and being involved in that way, it seems he's looking for something on the side. Mark my words, you go for that lunch with him, you're opening the door to an affair and YOU will be the one hurting.

[phoenix1]

Well, alrighty then. I assumed that in this forum there would be others that realize life is not always black and white and sometimes people do things they shouldn't do. I've been on both sides of the cheating fence, and yes, I know it does suck. I am also fully aware what I might be signing myself up for. Sometimes as humans we just cannot help but run towards the fire. So thank you, but I am seeing him for lunch. My MM is not painting his wife to be some awful, terrible person - they just are emotionally distant, married too young, and really don't see the world the same way. Should they get divorced? Probably, but that's their business, and I know people stay stuck in bad relationships for all kinds of reasons.

[Scorpio Chick]

Emotionally 'distant'? Oh well why didn't you say so, by all means then, sleep with him!! How DARE she become 1/2 of an emotionally distant marriage partnership! And, yeah, they should not have married so young. Sleeping with him will rectify that for...for...wait...for you? For him? For the marriage?

Sooooo....to then answer your question....are you crazy to meet him for lunch....no. It sounds like you know exactly what you are going to do and for some mysterious reason you came on here to get opinions on the matter, it's clear you made up your mind already. You're thinking seems clear, not crazy. Now had you asked us if what you're going to do is very wrong and not at all nice, well, that would have been more honest.

 

I hope his unawares wife isn't too devastated by this, but something tells me you're not considering that.

Edited December 4, 2016 by Scorpio Chick
Deleted chunk of quote I accidentally left in

[drypuddle]

Well, alrighty then. I assumed that in this forum there would be others that realize life is not always black and white and sometimes people do things they shouldn't do.

Honestly this makes it sound like you were hoping to find someone here to support you on moving forward with this guy.

 

I don't think you'll find that here. And for good reasons.

[Lady2163]

Well, alrighty then. I assumed that in this forum there would be others that realize life is not always black and white and sometimes people do things they shouldn't do. I've been on both sides of the cheating fence, and yes, I know it does suck. I am also fully aware what I might be signing myself up for. Sometimes as humans we just cannot help but run towards the fire. So thank you, but I am seeing him for lunch. My MM is not painting his wife to be some awful, terrible person - they just are emotionally distant, married too young, and really don't see the world the same way. Should they get divorced? Probably, but that's their business, and I know people stay stuck in bad relationships for all kinds of reasons.

 

You're almost 50. That's long passed the age of running toward fire. The people who are advising you not to do this are OWs.

 

You're already referring to him as "my" MM. That's a bad sign.

 

The rush you're feeling now is addictive. And it can last a long time. I was in a ldr with a MM for seven years and that rush never faded. If things had been just a little bit different, I know I would have fallen in love with him. There's no doubt we would have had a great relationship had he been the divorcing kind.

 

And I will tell you this again, I contacted a bunch of people from my past. Many of them did not age well appearance wise. Some of them had rough lives battling addiction and poor marriage choices. One of them was/is gay and is now married to a man. The one I found this year has more issues than Life magazine and was not only a Trump supporter, but a Hillary hater and slightly racist. I had a great rapport with the big man on campus when I was a freshman and he was a senior. This was an award winning athelete in multiple sports. He was dreamy and hunky and buff. And we liked each other, but I was too young and not popular. He has a huge beer belly, weird tufts of hair and looks 70 years old.

 

So, try not to over romanticize this.

[notmyselfnow]

Oh good lord. Of course you can help from running into the fire. You have a will, and the ability to use it if you chose. Saying you can't help yourself is a cop-out and an excuse.

 

And if you've been on both sides of it I'm even more aghast at your willingness to enter into something that will hurt so many people, including, most likely, you. It's cruel and selfish and foolish.

 

I guess you were looking for people to tell you it was a good idea and to go for it. Well, it's not, and you shouldn't.

[elaine567]

It is not uncommon for MM to start consulting their little black book and start looking up old gfs/wives/acquaintances in the hope that he may find one that has some lingering affection left for him and so he can acquire an OW/FWB.

He feeds her the lines "I have never forgotten you" and "My marriage is an awful mistake", "My wife doesn't understand me", and she is putty in his hands.

Her ego will not let her see it for what it really is.

She has already ridden off with the everlasting love story, the Disney experience "He always loved me and only me" and no amount of reality checks will persuade her otherwise.

[anika99]

Well, alrighty then. I assumed that in this forum there would be others that realize life is not always black and white and sometimes people do things they shouldn't do. I've been on both sides of the cheating fence, and yes, I know it does suck. I am also fully aware what I might be signing myself up for. Sometimes as humans we just cannot help but run towards the fire. So thank you, but I am seeing him for lunch. My MM is not painting his wife to be some awful, terrible person - they just are emotionally distant, married too young, and really don't see the world the same way. Should they get divorced? Probably, but that's their business, and I know people stay stuck in bad relationships for all kinds of reasons.

 

Yes sometimes people do things they shouldn't do but that doesn't mean people here are going to give you high fives while you are preparing to hurt yourself and others. Maybe read this forum a bit more so you can see that there aren't many happy affair stories here. Also, grow up. Teenagers and twenty somethings run toward the fire. At your age you should have greater self control and a deeper sense of right and wrong.

[Eight]

I had the EXACT same thing happen to me a year ago. Only, we dated in high school.

 

We met for lunch. Just lunch, right?

 

Here's your future: you and your old flame will lose all of your self-respect and integrity. You will not be able to stop this moving freight train once it gets rolling and you will not like the place you find yourself in emotionally in a year.

 

It sounds like you have your mind made up. I wish I had found these forums before I went to lunch and had the chance to see, out of the fog, what I was getting myself into.

 

He is MARRIED and this will not end well for either of you or for his family. Unless hurt, lost, empty, out of control and emotionally addicted is your definition of ending well.

 

I thought it could be just lunch, too. You are playing with fire.

[Birdies]

If you've already been in both sides of the cheating fence and you're still "running towards the fire"..... well you must just be cruel and/or masochistic.

 

These things never ever ever end well. Even the one in a million "happy endings" are built on the ruins of utter pain and disaster.

[Southwardbound]

Girl - you are already there at the line, just waiting to cross it... don't go to lunch unless you really want to be fully, the OW in every way (emotional & physically). If you wish to stay at just the emotional level only, don't cross the sight line.

 

- When I met my MM (who used to be my OM before / our circumstances have now switched) for the first time again in just over twenty years, what was I thinking when I first saw him? 'What am I getting myself into again?' Unconsciously I knew what would happen when we met. We had already started down on that emotional freight train route for months before by talking constantly to one another. Once, I saw him, I couldn't have put the brakes on - even if I'd tried. Reading back through- all the texts we had written to one another, later after the one year mark, (yes the initial affair fog has lifted, but I still feel that thrill & still very much in love with him/ always have been), I realized that he decided/knew exactly BEFORE we met again in person, what how he wanted this extramarital affair to go.

 

- And sure it comes with a long-lasting thrill, we are almost at two-year mark and I'm still in the throes of that thrill. There isn't a day that goes by that he & I don't talk, text, or email, if we aren't seeing each other. But, that doesn't mean any of this is an easy train ride to take. It's not an easy ride.

 

So, all I'm saying is really- just think about it, before you step on the train and fully sit down for the whole ride. It's hard to get out the door emotionally intact, once you sit down, the door shuts, and your ride fully takes off.

[Scorpio Chick]

And there's no refund from this train ride. Of the time you'll invest...with nothing to show for it. Him? He gets not only a wife, a home, etc...,but a side chick. I really think because so many women are willing to be side chicks, that MM are actively seeking them out...KNOWING full well they can get away with it. It's gotta be. It's rampant. 'Side chick' is in songs, it's casually referred to.

 

It's certainly your choice to apply for that position, Marg. No one can stop you.

[aileD]

And there's no refund from this train ride. Of the time you'll invest...with nothing to show for it. Him? He gets not only a wife, a home, etc...,but a side chick. I really think because so many women are willing to be side chicks, that MM are actively seeking them out...KNOWING full well they can get away with it. It's gotta be. It's rampant. 'Side chick' is in songs, it's casually referred to.

 

It's certainly your choice to apply for that position, Marg. No one can stop you.

 

Yeah if you're going to do it....know your place.

 

Don't expect more from him.

Don't expect to be put before his wife

Don't expect much more than sex

Don't expect to hang out after sex

Don't expect holiday time

And when his wife finds out, don't expect anything more than being dumped hard and cruel.