Overcoming Jealousy

[USNCVN72]

I met an amazing woman a little over 3 months ago. At the time she was 2 months separated from her cheating husband after 21yrs. They have since finallized their divorce. We started dating almost immediately after we met and get along great. She was very open about not wanting to get into anything serious and I respected her position and didn't pressure the situation. I knew she talked to several other guys and even went on a couple dates. I always asked the basics but never any details. I found out that she had slept with the husband of the woman that her husband ran off with. I actually laughed when I found out because I knew it was just a giant FU to them even though they'd probably never find out. But I understood it. She and he became friends beings that they are both going through the same thing at the same time. I understood that and tried to be as patient as I possibly could. I would constantly see his name on her phone and when she was in the shower one morning I decided to go through her texts and see what was really going on. It was mostly innocent BS, however I did find pictures and conversations that made my stomach turn. Of course there were dick pics and the same pictures she had sent me of her partially dressed. But he had several that I didn't get that included her face, which shocked me. I, of course, can't bring these up because she would know i went through her phone.

 

About 2 weeks ago she made my day and decided that she would be exclusively with me and not see, date or be intimate with anyone else. However they still text several times a day and talk almost every morning. This drives me nuts. I have let her know that I don't trust him at all and that I'm very uncomfortable with her talking to him as much as she does. I made the mistake of telling her that it turns my stomach every time I see his name on her phone. Unfortunately her answer to that is to delete everything, so his name doesn't appear... which for me is even worse.

She constantly reassures me that she is with me and he's just a friend and she's not doing anything with or seeing anyone else. The thing is I believe her but knowing that they still talk as much as they do... how do I handle that.

[doyathinkso]

Well, speaking for myself, I hate being jerked around at the end of a string.

 

Apparently, you feel differently about it. Hmm?

[BluesPower]

I am thinking that this may not be the one for you.

 

It makes me wonder is she cheated during her marriage as well.

 

If not, it looks like she wants the comfort of a steady relationship while she also gets to play single and screw around.

 

That would be fine if she would just say it, that way you could just dump her or just be FWB's, and you could still date around.

 

What she is doing it completely out of line for a exclusive relationship.

[oldbutcurious]

yes, I find it messy, too. if she won't straighten up, then, move.

[USNCVN72]

Well, I see it two different ways. I see the getting jerked around and move on side. I also see the fact that she did just get out of a very long term relationship and given her new found freedom, I can't blame her for wanting to explore a bit. I met her very early in this transition. In a way, I want her to get everything out of her system that way when the relationship develops into something very serious that she's not wondering if she should have dated around a bit.

I bit she's a bit naive in that she thinks that she and this guy can remain just friends... I'm sorry, but guys aren't wired like that. At least not one that gives the slightest **** about you.

[central]

I bit she's a bit naive in that she thinks that she and this guy can remain just friends... I'm sorry, but guys aren't wired like that. At least not one that gives the slightest **** about you.

 

I think they can be just friends going forward. It doesn't matter how men are "wired" (I know, as I'm a man) - men also have brains and ethics; well, some do. She also has a brain and if she has ethics, it will be fine.

 

The main issue here is that she is newly out of a long relationship. You are right in that at the moment you are the rebound relationship. She may need to have other experiences to get it out of her system, or just to be sure that she's making a good choice if she does indeed choose you. Rebounds can and do sometimes work out, by the way, but you may have to be patient and not require exclusivity unless - and until - she sincerely offers it.

[USNCVN72]

I need help with the patience part. We get along great, have an awesome time when we go out, never get tired of being around the other, and are very well matched sexually. I know without a doubt that I'm her #1guy... She has said numerous times that she wished she would have met me 6 months later so she was in a better place. The problem is that there is no way on earth that this woman will be single for 6 months. She's absolutely gorgeous, with an amazing body and just a good person. Because of that, I have to be willing to weather the storm.

[central]

If she has said she wants to be exclusive, believe her. Then trust her. If you learn she can't be trusted, then she is not worth keeping no matter how awesome she is otherwise. If she wants to date others and not be exclusive, do the same - if you two are a great match, it will work out. That's what my wife and I did, because she had left a long relationship, and had little dating experience ever, so needed some experience to be sure she wouldn't repeat her mistake in choosing someone. My patience paid off (and, I had some great dating experiences myself in the meantime).

[VeveCakes]

mmm you already know what they text each other....naked pics and shots of their genitalia....I cant understand for one second why this woman should be remaining friends with this guy when she now has an exclusive relationship.

 

The other thing is her talking with him daily is just preventing her from healing from her marriage. She is getting constant reminders of the infidelity and her speaking with him just reignites the emotions.

 

She isn't making healthy choices.

[USNCVN72]

She hasn't sent any pictures or any inappropriate texts that I have seen since we have been declared exclusive. However, now everything is just deleted.... so.. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying to be patient.

[Rockdad]

She has been through an emotional blender. Cheating spouse, loss of a long term marriage and everything that comes along with the divorce process.

Who says she or anyone is going to be absolutely logical acting fresh out of all that emotional trauma?

 

What good will come out of you revealing your jealousy to her? I bet that wouldn't be real attractive to her. To many people cause themselves a lot frustration after snooping which in this case you had no business doing. Stop invading her personal messages. My opinion is that would not be attractive to her nor 20 question drill about this guy.

[VeveCakes]

She hasn't sent any pictures or any inappropriate texts that I have seen since we have been declared exclusive. However, now everything is just deleted.... so.. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying to be patient.

 

but that is their recent history, why do they need to remain friends? She obviously loves the attention...

[Space Ritual]

She has said numerous times that she wished she would have met me 6 months later so she was in a better place.

 

 

Right there is all you nee to know. That os probably the most honest thing she has said to yo.

 

Anyway, you now know she is capable of revenge sex because she had sex with the husband of her husband's affair partner. That in and of itself shows a certain degree of self sabotage. Generally stable people would want nothing to do with such matters and want to be as far away of any of the principals in the affair as possible. But that was a conscious decision to do so. It was not a FU to her STBX or th AP, as they probably could care less, it was an FU to herself.

 

I take it you must be fairly young. I just want to tell you that you can do a lot better than a woman with a steamer trunk of baggage that you currently are exclusive with.

 

Her words and action do not line up. So just keep the dating to a casual situation. She is not Long term relationship material in any way, shape or form.

[Space Ritual]

She hasn't sent any pictures or any inappropriate texts that I have seen since we have been declared exclusive. However, now everything is just deleted.... so.. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying to be patient.

 

 

You will be giving her a lot of benefit of the doubt while she carries on her merry way with other guys. Of course it's deleted...she isnt going to want to burst your bubble unless you discover it by accident.

 

We get it, you want someone to say something...in fact anything that will indicate that being with this woman is a good choice. Otherwise you would not have written in to LS in the first place. However, you already know the answer, you just would like to overlook it if possible.

Stop being so blind.

[drifter777]

She hasn't sent any pictures or any inappropriate texts that I have seen since we have been declared exclusive. However, now everything is just deleted.... so.. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying to be patient.

Of course the key here is "that I have seen" which carries no weight to anyone who understands cheater & cheating.

 

Look, why put yourself through this nonsense? Are you so desperate for female company that you are willing to stay in a relationship with so little trust? And your suspensions are not based in fantasy as you've seen the kind of relationship she has with this guy.

 

She deserves a chance to be single and do whatever with whoever without the entanglements of a committed relationship. Tell her this and stop seeing her. You are single - go out and be single yourself.

[Formerfiveo]

My husband and I divorced after 10 years together, and I started dating several months later.

 

My exH and I are still friends and chat maybe every 3 days because we know each other best, and we have respect for each other and we value each other's opinion on things. He also knows I'm seeing someone exclusively, and as long as I'm happy, he's happy for me.

 

My bf knows we're still friends and we text frequently, and he's fine with it because he's secure in himself and in our relationship.

 

Give her the benefit of the doubt.

[lolablue17]

Did she use to have sex with him while you two were together?

[USNCVN72]

When we first started dating she went on dates with several guys. I knew at the time that since she was fresh out of such a long relationship that dating around was probably the best for her. He is the only guy that she has had sex with other than myself since her separation/divorce. I am sure that she hasn't slept with him or anyone else since we have been exclusive or even in the last 2 months.

[lolablue17]

So she had slept with him while you were together. Everyone has his own personality, and a different ability to handle things.

 

If it was me (I know my self well ), I would remind her that I was understanding with her need of not being exclusive (although I wanted exclusivity), I did my compromises because I respected her.

 

Now it's her turn to respect you back by ending all contact with any guy she was in sexual contact with, in that period. This is a small price for her to pay and to compromise and show a little respect back.

 

Because exclusivity is not only a word. It must show real love and caring, and if her contact with him bothers you, she need to to respect that. It's a red flag she didn't offer it herself, when you told her it bothers you.

 

I think you should learn from her, and be honest with her the same as she does with you. Tell her that it also hurt you that she deleted everything instead of just ending contact with him immediately by her initiation. Set your boundaries and you're allowed to expect her to accept them.

[USNCVN72]

So she had slept with him while you were together. Everyone has his own personality, and a different ability to handle things.

 

If it was me (I know my self well ), I would remind her that I was understanding with her need of not being exclusive (although I wanted exclusivity), I did my compromises because I respected her.

 

Now it's her turn to respect you back by ending all contact with any guy she was in sexual contact with, in that period. This is a small price for her to pay and to compromise and show a little respect back.

 

Because exclusivity is not only a word. It must show real love and caring, and if her contact with him bothers you, she need to to respect that. It's a red flag she didn't offer it herself, when you told her it bothers you.

 

I think you should learn from her, and be honest with her the same as she does with you. Tell her that it also hurt you that she deleted everything instead of just ending contact with him immediately by her initiation. Set your boundaries and you're allowed to expect her to accept them.

 

I'm not and don't want to be the guy that says who she can and can't be friends with. And if it is in fact just friends that's ok. I just have a hard time believing that he doesn't have some hidden agenda

[VeveCakes]

I'm not and don't want to be the guy that says who she can and can't be friends with. And if it is in fact just friends that's ok. I just have a hard time believing that he doesn't have some hidden agenda

 

I think shes the one with the agenda too...

[lolablue17]

I think shes the one with the agenda too...

 

It's not innocent, I can tell you that for sure. Even if they delay their actual physical relationship "at the moment", it's there in the air. Some people like to keep options at the reach of their hand. This guy funcions as her safety net in addition to being her friend.

 

I agree with you that you shouldn't tell her who she can and can't be friends with. But the fact that she keeps him so close even when she knows it bothers you, makes me wonder how serious she is about you.

 

I already shared this forum about my early days with my current wife. When we just started to date together, she maintained contacts with some of her ex's. One of them was not an ex, but a BWB who happened to be her best friend. Two weeks into our relationship, we splitted for 3 days, she slept with him once, and we got back together (It was not cheating of course).

 

It was very easy to see that I was not OK with her being in contact with him. She tried to survive through this, hoping I'll calm down in time, but I didn't. I became very upset every time she talked to him, not to mention meeting him. So, after few weeks she made an independent speech ("It's not fair of you to expect me to end my friendship with my best friend just because my new bf doesn't OK with it") but after that speech she cut all contact with him in action.

 

Why? Because she understood the difference between legitimate rights (the right to keep her best friend) and love (her loved bf is hurt) and she chose love over justice. She did it by her own initiation. Why? Not because I threatened to leave her, but only because she was so madly in love with me and wanted to see me happy.

 

She sacrificed something that was very important to her. You can't imagine how important it was, he was a friend since she was a child, they grew up together, and they both had a circle of good friends, so she had to give up a bunch of her very good friends because they were hanging out together 2-3 time a week, so if she wanted to avoid meeting him she had to cut them too. She actually cut contact with almost all of her friend because of this. Is it fair? Of course not. But she took a decision.

 

(Don't you think she is so saint, because there is more to this story. At that time she was extremely jealous about my moderate contact with my ex wife, so she knew how I felt).

 

Why did I mentioned my story? To give you some proportions to see how love wins over rights. If she cares about you, she should have withhold or at least significantly reduce her contact with him the minute she knew you're not comfortable with it.

Edited December 2, 2016 by lolablue17

[BluesPower]

Good story...

 

But I just disagree that she had any kind of "Right" to keep her FWB around no matter how much she wanted to.

 

I personally would have dumped her at that point, it worked out for you but I don't think I could have handled it that way.

 

But that is just me.

[Darren Steez]

mmm you already know what they text each other....naked pics and shots of their genitalia....I cant understand for one second why this woman should be remaining friends with this guy when she now has an exclusive relationship.

 

The other thing is her talking with him daily is just preventing her from healing from her marriage. She is getting constant reminders of the infidelity and her speaking with him just reignites the emotions.

She isn't making healthy choices.

 

This.

 

There is nothing healthy about her "friendship" with this guy. They have history not only that, the trauma of a 21 year relationship coming to an end like this, the very fact the husband ran off with the OM's wife think about it, I'm sure the sex was a f*ck you, but also maintaining contact and continuing their "friendship" is also a pseudo f*ck you to them, probably trying to elicit some form of reaction from them but..

 

This is not a friendship.

 

And it's not honesty when she hiding and deleting stuff from her phone, which you are now making excuses for.

 

She knows she's gorgeous and she knows she won't be alone for long (heck you're proof) You really think this guy, who's had sex with her just wants friendship in the long run? I mean all he has to do is text her and you'll never see the messages because she deletes them.

 

And now you've fallen for the, I slept with an ex I still communicate with, you should be ok with it why are you being controlling/jealous?

 

She banged a guy. Still talks to him regularly. Deletes his messages, And you're meant to be ok with this.

 

Buddy run. Gorgeous or not. Run

[Space Ritual]

I'm not and don't want to be the guy that says who she can and can't be friends with. And if it is in fact just friends that's ok. I just have a hard time believing that he doesn't have some hidden agenda

 

 

You are not in a relationship with this guy, you are in a relationship with her.

 

Your ire is misdirected. You need to stop making excuses for this chick and get rid of her. The only thing you are going to get from this relationship is that your trust in women will be degraded further than it already is.

 

Nobody is worth such headache, and I mean nobody