The love of my life, but she changed after 8 months, then left me 2 years later

[jorgeg3d]

So, here's my story.

 

About 2 and a half years ago I met this amazing woman. She swept me off my feet, and I did to her as well, so it seemed. Our relationship started off so effortlessly. We both felt so comfortable for each other. I remember the first month we started dating, I was wondering to myself, am I falling for her already? It seemed like a love story, straight out of the movies, we clicked on so many levels, both of us sarcastic, fun to be around, funny, playful. For the longest time I thought she was a mini version of me, we even talked about this and how it seemed too good to be true.

 

But after about 8 months or so, I started noticing a decline, the start of it things to come. She would back away for no real apparent reason, at first it was because of my kids. Because I wasn't disciplining them enough, mind you, they were only 4 and 6 at the time! And we all know kids go through stages. But I kept reassuring her that I would do it and I would allow her to help me.

 

I also started noticing how negative she had become and how self loathing she was. Always afraid of failure and to take any chances. I knew it was a sign of things to come, but I kept trying to reassure her and also point it out how she had a sabotaging mindset on a lot of things, she never took anything I said from a positive standpoint, so that she would work on it, she always took it as a character flaw I was pointing out.

 

Anyway, long story short, she became real distant once we moved in together after about a year and a half together, even to my kids and family. Whenever I'd mention it to her she would get defensive. And towards the end I had to walk on egg shells with her whenever I'd mention anything. Just sucks, that communication went out the window. Eventually I lashed out out of frustration and that was the final straw with her. She said I had hurt her too much but it was unbeknownst to me up until that point. But she had enough by then, and 2 weeks later she moved out.

 

5 weeks later now, and I am still to some degree devastated, that someone could just leave like that, without really trying to make things work. I have the mindset if you love someone you make it work. It was a tough break up, before she left we talked over the phone and cried her eyes out, it was so hard to hear that, I never begged her to stay, but I definitely made it known I didn't want her leaving.

 

I just need to share my story, breaks my heart to know I thought I had the love of my life, but I was never enough for her.

[Bromeo]

Brother, I am so sorry to hear this. Mine made it three months living in my house before moving out.

 

I feel the exact same way, if you love someone, you try and make it work. The trap here is thinking they care as much as you do.

 

They simply do not.

 

I see that she may have a touch of depression and insecurity. You cannot help with that, only a professional can.

 

For example, mine left three times without a word. Read my thread for a BPD tale of disaster.

 

You were enough, however she is broken on the inside, and better you find out now, than to be married later.

 

Remember this thought - she had been building up to leave for awhile, and was looking for the spark to kick it off. The crying was because she felt guilty.

 

If she loved you like you love her, she would work it out. She doesn't.

[jorgeg3d]

Bromeo, thanks for the brutal honesty man. It burns like hell. But I suppose you're right. I've always known she's had issues with depression, but she's never wanted to admit it and again, would get defensive.

 

I remember when I actually came up to her and we had a talk about it, I even let her see what the signs were and showed it to her and she basically brushed it off and immediately turned the conversation about me and what I'm doing wrong. I never wanted to "fix" her but I always wanted her to acknowledge she had a problem.

Edited December 1, 2016 by jorgeg3d

[Bromeo]

Brother I was there. I actually had proof I was addressing her stated issues, and it didn't matter a bit. It was about me, how bad I hurt her, how I crushed her "fragile" little heart, etc.

 

Three weeks later, on to the next man. Right.... lol

 

It does burn. I felt more stressed about chasing mine for months than I have at any other time. And I have seen and done some crazy stuff in my time.

 

Don't fight the emotions. Let them come in, have their time, and say goodbye when they leave. Practice positive self talk. It sounds corny but it works.

[jorgeg3d]

Wow, so similar to my story. Though I don't know if she's seeing anyone cause we're not facebook friends anymore and I cut ties with her family etc. I'll definitely read your story Bromeo, I appreciate the feedback. Makes no sense how someone can stop loving someone for such nonsensical reasons. Or reasons that can't be worked on.

[Blanco]

So basically, the honeymoon stage ended, she showed you who she really was under the facade, and you stuck it out another couple of years before she left.

 

Sounds like you two were infatuated to start, as is usually the case with new relationships, and then the reality bubbled up and neither of you really liked what that entailed.

[jorgeg3d]

Well Blanco, she changed, I never changed. I was always the same person she had met from the start. I'd say I truly loved her, I felt the same when she left as when we first fell in love. I guess I can't say that about her.

[Bromeo]

Jorge, I felt like I was going insane. I really did.

 

Nothing I did was working, but she would always pull me back when I tried to pull away and be done.

 

I explained why she was mad to other women, and they were dumbfounded why she didn't want to work it out.

 

She didn't care. Mine had an agenda to get married and have kids, and what she wanted was a willing donor. She had little income, so basically anything was better. When I violated that plan, she was out. lol

 

Some perspective will help. Your ex may have not have been the best partner for marriage, and its better to see that now.

 

Mine wasn't, but boy did she hoodwink me. lol

[jorgeg3d]

Bromeo, that's the same way I feal man. I guess no one can understand what its like to be in that depressed state of mind, unless you've been through it yourself.

 

What sucks even worse, I've started dating again, rather soon I know. But I found such an awesome woman that has most if not all the quality I want in a woman, so much better than my ex, but I can't be in it emotionally with her just yet. And this new woman really likes me.

Edited December 1, 2016 by jorgeg3d

[Blanco]

Well Blanco, she changed, I never changed. I was always the same person she had met from the start. I'd say I truly loved her, I felt the same when she left as when we first fell in love. I guess I can't say that about her.

 

I'm not saying she changed. I'm saying she reverted to who she actually was. Most people are on their best behavior in the early going of a relationship. This starts to chip away as they get more comfortable.

 

My heart is with you. I experienced something similar, so I know the urge to stick it out and keep "fighting" for it, because you have those memories of who you thought the person once was.

[Blanco]

Also, don't date right now. Linking up with people when you're emotionally unavailable and only prowling for companionship is the sort of garbage that hurts innocent people and makes them jaded.

[Bromeo]

Or, just be crystal clear that you want to hang out, but cannot commit to a relationship right now.

 

Unclear communication is the killer. That's what I've had since July.

[fromheart]

Bromeo, that's the same way I feal man. I guess no one can understand what its like to be in that depressed state of mind, unless you've been through it yourself.

 

What sucks even worse, I've started dating again, rather soon I know. But I found such an awesome woman that has most if not all the quality I want in a woman, so much better than my ex, but I can't be in it emotionally with her just yet. And this new woman really likes me.

 

 

Well, its good to have someone to hang out with, just have a good time but make it clear with her that you're just out of a relationship, if new girl wants anything deeper.

 

I understand what you're saying about believing in fixing things when they are broken, out of love. But it takes two to have that mindset and more often than not, people will rather throw things away then work on them. Thats the mindset of modern culture, form our material goods to our relationships.

 

I've always wanted to fix things when they're broke, but as a result I've ended up wasting a lot of time with someone who'd rather throw it away. Now I've learnt to walk away from incompatible partners, not committing too soon and being a bit more light hearted before giving full commitment.

 

After the honeymoon period we tend to find out who a person really is and where they're at. Many times, the person we fell in love with during the honeymoon and the person we have settled with, or settled for, are 2 different people. And in all honesty, we really want them to be the person we met and thought they were, not the person they are.

 

It sounds like she has some unresolved issues and thats where shes at. Because shes not working on them, its going to come out on you. She cant fix herself yet so there's no hope for her to fix something outside of herself, ie a relationship. And you can't wait for her, spending a portion of your life walking on eggshells.

 

I'd really keep walking on, as much as it hurts. Stick to NC. You'll most probably hear from her, but remember if she's not working on herself it will always come back to this point.

[jorgeg3d]

Thank you guys!

 

And Fromheart, I agree with you. I've realized she had always been into self sabotaging, and unnecessary drama. She would create situations that didn't need to be created and just sulk on the potential drama of it. I never understood that, other than her own self doubts and fears we never really had any problems except those that she created and projected onto our relationship.

 

It still hurts so bad, that people like this would rather walk away than really try to find the root of the problem, knowing how good the relationship could be, and was at one point. That's my biggest fallback, I keep going back to the way it was at the start, instead of the way it ended. To me, it makes no sense to change who you are as a person, but I suppose when you have deep rooted issues, your true colors start to show.

 

I do hope she calls one day and comes back but like you said, only if she's had time to work on herself and know what issues she's had to work on. I practically have outlined them for her, its up to her to realize I was right, or be in denial forever and keep destroying her own life and relationships as she moves on.

 

Either way I am moving on, I will do the NC rule and find other like minded people to hangout with and hopefully start something amazing with.

[elaine567]

I'm not saying she changed. I'm saying she reverted to who she actually was. Most people are on their best behavior in the early going of a relationship. This starts to chip away as they get more comfortable.

 

 

Blanco is correct after the honeymoon period she became who she really was and you became who you really were too.

My guess is that she didn't really like the real you, the rose-coloured specs came off, the kids probably didn't help, dating single parents is hard, she stuck it out for two years as it was so good at first, but finally she just couldn't do it any more. Women tend to store up issues, slight and hurts, they keep score and one day they see the score card is full and they are out of there. I guess this is exactly what happened here.

 

BTW the sarcasm probably didn't help, sarcasm can be very funny when dating and all is wonderful, not so funny when feelings become involved. Words take on greater meaning once day to day living takes over. So best to opt for the kinder option when dealing with those you profess to love.

Wit is good, sarcasm can be very damaging.

I guess she took a lot of what you said to heart, became defensive, shut down and checked out.

If I were you I would tone down the sarcasm in any future relationships.

[jorgeg3d]

Thank you Elaine, to be honest I did everything I could to make her happy. I did all the little things, took her out, gave her flowers from time to time, told her I loved her, reassured my love to her, I gave her affection, I was there for her when she needed me the most and most of all I was always very patient with her.

 

I was always the same person, I never changed who I was. My sarcasm was mostly when things were in good spirits, when we'd argue or talk about things, I never used sarcasm, my biggest fault in arguing is I'd exaggerate.

 

Again, we really didn't have real issues. Nothing that couldn't be worked out. But it takes 2 people to communicate properly. I know I'm not perfect, but I would never blame someone else for my imperfections or insecurities.

Edited December 2, 2016 by jorgeg3d

[jorgeg3d]

Just found out my ex took all of our pictures off of FB. Its crushing. Why did I look? Why can't I get this Fing woman out of my head? She was no good to me, she treated me like a roomate for almost a year. Little to no sex, love and affection. She doesn't deserve me. She doesn't deserve what I did for her and how well I treated her.

 

 

 

I feel like half of our 2 year relationship was built on lies and deception. Me giving my all, and you just taking it all in. Giving me excuses after excuses and never really telling me what was going on. You wasted a year of my life by giving me empty promises of making things better, all the while I did so much for you. I allowed you to live in my place rent free, without any real house bills. I'd buy you flowers, I took you out countless nights, we had "fun" and you still pretended like you loved me, just enough to let me give you things and do things for you.

 

I'd ask for some help around the house or in paying for somethings, you made me feel like I was inconveniencing you when I'd ask. That one time at that event near downtown when I asked you to pay for the food truck we were eating at, you disrespected me in front of the guy in the truck, like you always pay and I never pay. I feel unjustifiably used and betrayed. That I could do so much for one person, but rarely get anything in return, little breadcrumbs of kindness from you, while I gave you meals.

 

You made me go on vacation with you a month before you left me, again, using me to your advantage. Telling me you'd make it work just enough to have a little fun before you could leave me. And now that great memory with you is stained, I will never look at that memory the same, knowing all the while you never had real intentions of making it work, one foot out the door.

 

Your family enables your behavior, they never make you take responsibility for your own actions. The minute you're "distressed" they bail you out to "save" you. They tell you what you want to hear, not what you NEED to know. They know you'll only repeat the same pattern again later on in life, like you've done for so long.

 

You took me for granted, you treated my family like strangers, while they tried to make you a part of the family. My love was blind, but I will not be blinded anymore.

 

I have so many options, I'm talking to several women who are so much better than you. My heart needs to get rid of that person that was in my life already. Why I keep looking back at what you used to be instead of what you became is beyond me.

 

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Never change who you are, for its false advertising and false hope. Learn who you are and stop judging everyone around, for everyone has their own trails and tribulations and have been through their own versions of hell. And for God's sake, learn to love unconditionally. For we all have faults and we all try to be the best people we can be.

 

Learn to be at peace with what you have, who you are and who you're with. I loved you with all of my heart, you broke it into pieces. I will pick them up, piece by piece and my life will be better without you.