How would you want to find out?

[seren]

I am posting this here and asking this as we often read of OW/OM saying they are going to tell the BS about the A. The posts usually have differing advice or opinions, equally, all have different motives. Either in an attempt to free a conscience, to right a wrong or, as it often the case, to wreak harm and damage to the WS by spilling the beans so the marriage has a bomb thrown into it. I wondered if there was a right way, or by association, a wrong way. Not for the WS to get away with it, or for the AP to get away with it, but from the point of view from the BS. It might help those who know an affair is ongoing or a WS to know how to tell or even an OW/OM to tell.

 

For me, I was spared an envelop drop, an anonymous letter or an OW turning up on my doorstep. My H told me, which if I were pushed, would say this is the only way that would work for me. I recognised it was the hardest thing H had done, to look me in the eye and tell me he had an 8 month affair told me more about the man I had loved for over 25 years than a whole heap of flowers or ILY's. I could see the knowledge he had hurt me in his eyes, see his desperation and fear as he wondered if I would just open the door and keep on walking. He too could see the hurt, the anger, rage and disappointment that he could do this to me, to he to us. There was no gloating, pride, or any of that. relief that I knew, relief that he could be honest, fear and disgust with himself. For me, that one moment the affair became real and it became about us. That 'us' moment saw us circle our wagons, we were a team in the aftermath of the telling. The OW? other than a brief who, what, where, how, conversation didn't matter, it was all about us, what next and then the clinging onto what was left of our marriage and trying to paddle to the shore.

 

In those moments after discovery I had never needed a hug from H more, he had never needed a hug from me more and yet, it was the time I wanted to push him away and hurt him too while loving him and thinking so that is why you were like that and feeling a weird relief he hadn't been hiding illness, stress, or anything else from me or that I was going mad as gaslighting all but had me think I was going crazy.

 

Afterwards, the OW decided to throw her hat into the mix, the envelope drop of all their emails, text messages, it landed on my mat on a morning I had just had the all clear from chemo. I knew as soon as I saw it what it contained, me and he had just celebrated my freedom from cancer, we were on a high and then went home to find that. I read the, I am letting you know about the A and all that it was so you know what your H has been doing. I read the, I am doing it for you thing and though, no, you are doing it to try and destroy any chance we have of reconciling, if you wanted me to know you would have done it right away. So, what to do, look and have those things in my head forever, or look ahead. I decided all I needed to know was that there had been an A, the details I had from H and the OW eventually, but I wanted that information at my pace, in my chosen place. I burned it without looking at the 'evidence'.

 

I had years of phone calls from her with her trying to tell me she knew my H, she knew I was stopping him speaking to her, he wouldn't do this or that to her. Fact is and was, she knew the man he was with her during the A, not the man I had and have now known for over 30 years. Her not being able to hurt me any further, her wanting to blow up our reconciliation didn't work and she knew it and she was hurt. I understood her reasons, but not her need to hurt me. I will never understand that.

 

If a friend had told me, how does that work? Do we then associate the friend with the telling? Can our friendship ever be the same afterwards or will we always associate them with the telling? I have one friend I could trust to tell me, I asked her what she would have done had she known. her answer was to tell my brother and he would tell me because then I could go to her for the shoulder to cry on and to rant and shout at the moon. My brother would have known how to tell me and I would never have questioned his motives.

 

The other BS telling me? I think while I would have been grateful I would also be wary of getting his issues tangled with mine. How to process my H having an a while listening to the person who had most reason to hate him and wish his life bad. How to get past that?

 

I just wondered if it was helpful for us to discuss what worked or didn't for us. How do we process the information, do we need the evidence, who should tell and how? In our homes or away from sharp, pointy objects. I am interested in your experience and hope we can find a how to tell answer.

[road]

Having a sibling tell the BS instead of a friend tell you is good. The WS confessing is and always will be the best.

 

 

Though in the end no matter who tells you will always be better then you never finding out the truth and living a life based on a lie.

[aileD]

The first time H told me, the second I caught him on the phone with her.

both afforded me the opportunity to talk with him openly about the whole thing right then and there. Both ways I wasn't confronted with the dirty hurtful details right away. The messages or pictures or whatever proof.

 

I don't know what I would have done had I got an envelope filled with all his words and texts to her before I knew about it . I wouldn't want that .

[Arieswoman]

I post as a BS who got suspicious and caught her WS out in a series of lies.

 

Personally, I wouldn't care who told me as long as I was told, and the sooner the better.

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally, I wouldn't care who told me as long as I was told, and the sooner the better.

 

Agreed, sounds like some of those discussions I had as a kid as to whether would be better to burn, freeze or fall to one's death. None seem particularly fun.

 

I found out from the OM's wife, she showed up at my door one day...

 

Mr. Lucky

[minimariah]

Personally, I wouldn't care who told me as long as I was told, and the sooner the better.

 

^ this.

 

but of course, i'd rather hear it from a close friend than from someone i've never met - especially if it's in a vicious manner. there are better and worse ways, i guess.

[merrmeade]

I am posting this here and asking this as we often read of OW/OM saying they are going to tell the BS about the A. The posts usually have differing advice or opinions, equally, all have different motives. Either in an attempt to free a conscience, to right a wrong or, as it often the case, to wreak harm and damage to the WS by spilling the beans so the marriage has a bomb thrown into it. I wondered if there was a right way, or by association, a wrong way. Not for the WS to get away with it, or for the AP to get away with it, but from the point of view from the BS. It might help those who know an affair is ongoing or a WS to know how to tell or even an OW/OM to tell.

 

For me, I was spared an envelop drop, an anonymous letter or an OW turning up on my doorstep. My H told me, which if I were pushed, would say this is the only way that would work for me. I recognised it was the hardest thing H had done, to look me in the eye and tell me he had an 8 month affair told me more about the man I had loved for over 25 years than a whole heap of flowers or ILY's. I could see the knowledge he had hurt me in his eyes, see his desperation and fear as he wondered if I would just open the door and keep on walking. He too could see the hurt, the anger, rage and disappointment that he could do this to me, to he to us. There was no gloating, pride, or any of that. relief that I knew, relief that he could be honest, fear and disgust with himself. For me, that one moment the affair became real and it became about us. That 'us' moment saw us circle our wagons, we were a team in the aftermath of the telling. The OW? other than a brief who, what, where, how, conversation didn't matter, it was all about us, what next and then the clinging onto what was left of our marriage and trying to paddle to the shore.

 

In those moments after discovery I had never needed a hug from H more, he had never needed a hug from me more and yet, it was the time I wanted to push him away and hurt him too while loving him and thinking so that is why you were like that and feeling a weird relief he hadn't been hiding illness, stress, or anything else from me or that I was going mad as gaslighting all but had me think I was going crazy.

 

Afterwards, the OW decided to throw her hat into the mix, the envelope drop of all their emails, text messages, it landed on my mat on a morning I had just had the all clear from chemo. I knew as soon as I saw it what it contained, me and he had just celebrated my freedom from cancer, we were on a high and then went home to find that. I read the, I am letting you know about the A and all that it was so you know what your H has been doing. I read the, I am doing it for you thing and though, no, you are doing it to try and destroy any chance we have of reconciling, if you wanted me to know you would have done it right away. So, what to do, look and have those things in my head forever, or look ahead. I decided all I needed to know was that there had been an A, the details I had from H and the OW eventually, but I wanted that information at my pace, in my chosen place. I burned it without looking at the 'evidence'.

 

I had years of phone calls from her with her trying to tell me she knew my H, she knew I was stopping him speaking to her, he wouldn't do this or that to her. Fact is and was, she knew the man he was with her during the A, not the man I had and have now known for over 30 years. Her not being able to hurt me any further, her wanting to blow up our reconciliation didn't work and she knew it and she was hurt. I understood her reasons, but not her need to hurt me. I will never understand that.

 

If a friend had told me, how does that work? Do we then associate the friend with the telling? Can our friendship ever be the same afterwards or will we always associate them with the telling? I have one friend I could trust to tell me, I asked her what she would have done had she known. her answer was to tell my brother and he would tell me because then I could go to her for the shoulder to cry on and to rant and shout at the moon. My brother would have known how to tell me and I would never have questioned his motives.

 

The other BS telling me? I think while I would have been grateful I would also be wary of getting his issues tangled with mine. How to process my H having an a while listening to the person who had most reason to hate him and wish his life bad. How to get past that?

 

I just wondered if it was helpful for us to discuss what worked or didn't for us. How do we process the information, do we need the evidence, who should tell and how? In our homes or away from sharp, pointy objects. I am interested in your experience and hope we can find a how to tell answer.

What your husband did is the best way. My husband is a rug sweeper and truly believes that's how you deal with painful subjects. He has said he doesn't understand the need to rehash things. Except that he never gave me the full facts in the first place and whitewashed them. I had to piece his story together over several years.

 

The OW was delusional and thought we'd all be friends again. She invited me to stay at her house and tried to chat in emails. She didn't suffer much consequence and so thought we were done when I said I forgave her, appearing not to have suffered at all. I realized this denial was too grave a disrespect and I could have nothing to do with this person in future.

 

This must be in the bottom five worst ways to find out your spouse has been cheating in my opinion. Outcome depends on the WS's remorse and openness with the BS and sounds like you had that. Also sounds like you don't need to know more than you know.

[dichotomy]

Is there an ideal way to be told ?

 

1) By OM ? I dont want some guy telling me details. Perhaps after I found out by other means - a simple email or note "I acted shamefully as a man, and will never contact your wife again" I would not want more than that from an OM - no trying to take the blame of WW, or to say your wife still loved you, or worse details. Just short and accountable.

 

2) By WW ? I suppose in tears, begging for forgiveness, and willing to share the details, and submit to monitoring, going to individual and couples therapy, perhaps even admitting her wrong doing to our kids and parents, what ever I needed, and understanding and accepting without question that I might need years of healing, I guess the usual advice to WS on how to find out.

 

3) A good friend or family member would have been a gentle and supportive way to be told - but I think it would need to be followed up by #2 above.

 

 

 

When my first marriage ended over WW affair, I had two brief series of calls with OM's wife. It was after I found out the basics and my WW was still trying to connect with OM - and the wife was warning me of that. The bad thing was that OM's wife had ALL the emails from the two of them - I did not. I begged OM's wife to see them - she REFUSED - simply saying in a kind voice - "you need to leave your wife now - right now - she is horrible" over and over again. She would not answer any questions about what my wife said - or said about me and the marriage to OM (her husband) in the emails. I never decided whether she was right in withholding those emails - it might have been mercy - or it might have prolonged my misery and connection and feelings I had for my ex for a few months afterwards by not seeing them and breaking our marriage instantly. OM's wife decided to stay married to him - so I assume that my WW was the aggressor and hateful to me.

Edited December 2, 2016 by dichotomy

[gettingstronger]

The OW contacted me anon- it was a punch in the gut, but I am glad I found out-

 

Perfect way- husband to tell me-

 

Advice I give: give your AP one week to tell and if not, do it yourself

 

AFTER disclosure: if the couple is working on their marriage-never, ever contact either of them again-

 

 

Our OW also intruded for over 3 years post dday-it was horrible- I did not blame or judge her for the A, but the insanity that followed was 100% on her-

[katielee]

I would have like to have been told by my husband. I caught him both times. I don't think this makes the affair any worse, but it makes recovery harder. When you know someone can come to you and tell you the worst possible thing then I think that is the FIRST step in an Olympic marathon of learning to trust.

[seren]

I often think our outcome would have been different had I been told by someone else, or found out or, worse still, had the OW do it. Though had she done it, I would have probably have reacted toward her very differently, it wouldn't have been pretty.

 

There is no ideal way, but there has to be a way that means we aren't faced with the envelope landing on the mat at a time when we don't expect anything like that through the letterbox. One of my friends was getting the children ready for school when the postman gave her a recorded delivery letter addressed to her, the photos and the list of text messages pulled out in front of the children and then she in shock and feeling her world had blown up while trying to keep a grip on things so the children didn't see. I think that must be the cruellest way and possibly that is the whole point of anyone doing it this way.

 

I read again and again of OW/OM saying they need to tell the BS so they know just who they are married to and think, really? isn't it just revenge or wanting to push it into the BS's face because the WS didn't leave. I understand the motive but not the action. One OW said she had deliberately taken a photograph of her laying in the marital bed and I thought, why would anyone do that, why would anyone hate someone so much as to hurt them this way. Sure the affair hurts because it has taken place, but to want to inflict further hurt on an anonymous person just doesn't compute with me.

 

I just thought for those looking for ways of how to tell, how to inform the BS, if there is a way that saves them from the hurt being that much worse.

[wmacbride]

I often think our outcome would have been different had I been told by someone else, or found out or, worse still, had the OW do it. Though had she done it, I would have probably have reacted toward her very differently, it wouldn't have been pretty.

 

There is no ideal way, but there has to be a way that means we aren't faced with the envelope landing on the mat at a time when we don't expect anything like that through the letterbox. One of my friends was getting the children ready for school when the postman gave her a recorded delivery letter addressed to her, the photos and the list of text messages pulled out in front of the children and then she in shock and feeling her world had blown up while trying to keep a grip on things so the children didn't see. I think that must be the cruellest way and possibly that is the whole point of anyone doing it this way.

 

I read again and again of OW/OM saying they need to tell the BS so they know just who they are married to and think, really? isn't it just revenge or wanting to push it into the BS's face because the WS didn't leave. I understand the motive but not the action. One OW said she had deliberately taken a photograph of her laying in the marital bed and I thought, why would anyone do that, why would anyone hate someone so much as to hurt them this way. Sure the affair hurts because it has taken place, but to want to inflict further hurt on an anonymous person just doesn't compute with me.

 

I just thought for those looking for ways of how to tell, how to inform the BS, if there is a way that saves them from the hurt being that much worse.

 

This is part of an ow/om mindset that I will never, ever understand. The mm/mw is being dishonest, hurting their spouse and quite possibly their children, extended family and who knows who else.

 

None of this matters, and a million excuses will be made to make the A okay. The pain anyone else will experience doesn't matter ( and I don;t buy the " I felt bad about being the ow/om" line...if an ow/om feels so bad about being in an A, they never would have knowingly gotten in to one in the first place).

 

I do believe a bs has evry right to know about an A, and that the ws should be the one to tell them the truth. if that doesn't happen, and an ow/om who decides to spill the beans should give a lot of consideration to how they do so. they should keep in mind that they are 50 % responsible for the bs's pain, and bs did nothing to them. They do not deserve any sort of vicious or vindictive behavior, and it is NOT the ow/om's role to "punish" the ws ( their former mm or mw) for the A.

[vla1120]

I know how I wish I had NOT found out about one of my first husband's affairs. My 5 year old daughter was waiting for me at the door when I got home from work. We lived down the street from our best friends. I was 6 months pregnant with our third child - working full time as the main breadwinner. She said "Mommy, don't be mad at me, but I saw daddy kissing J**** at her house." I said "Well, sometimes we kiss our friends hello and goodbye." She said "No. Like they do in the movies when they are in love." Apparently, she went looking for her dad (why the h*** was he leaving our children alone in the first place) when he was gone for too long. She went to our friend's back door, like we always did, and saw them making out through the sliding glass door, then ran home and waited for me.

 

i was most angry that they had put my daughter in that horrible position because they couldn't control their damn lust! I still get furious when I think about it, and that was 22 years ago! UGH!

[Ahurtgirl]

I called the wife to check on his welfare. I wasn't even thinking about how she would view my call. She immediately put two and two together. Then I called her again to try to do damage control. That made things even worse.

 

I would have never imagined in all the years of being with her husband that it would be me contacting her. I didn't contact her to "tell" and sure didn't do it to cause her pain or to push him to make a decision... (these were the reasons he felt I contacted his wife), it was 100% because I was very in love with him and was worried, then it snowballed out of control.

 

I would never contact her again, and if I could go back in time, I would. If I could delete having ever made contact with her, I would in a heartbeat.

 

I'm positive he will cheat on her again, if not already with someone new as he had other online relations going and hookups on business trips that I knew about but she did not. I was always anxious each time he left on business because I knew he was more than likely cheating with his female colleagues while away, basically cheating on both his wife and me. These days it makes me sick to my stomach that he was able to reconcile his marriage with her so easily because she still is being lied to. He lied to her about me, made me look crazy, etc., and that I was his only affair (I wasn't his first but he kept his first long term affair hidden and she definitely won't find out about all his other flings while on business) and he is so good with words, giving puppy eyes and loves so deeply, that she wants to keep him as her husband.

 

Yucky situation. Glad I am out of it but I have a long recovery ahead. I doubt I will ever trust a man again. He showed me what really goes on behind what seemed to be a loving family man, who had all the qualities a woman would ever want... but his dark side, just plain despicable!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Statistically... odds are better for reconciliation if the wayward confesses.

 

I confessed and two years later he confessed.

 

Neither of us would have known had we not told on ourselves.