vla1120 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 (edited) I came out here 3 years ago when my 32-year marriage fell apart. After that marriage dissolved, I got involved with, and married my second husband. I really do care for him, but maybe rushed into marriage for the wrong reason. He has stage 3 kidney cancer and had no health insurance. His monthly chemo pills alone are almost $10K. He was having to apply for help from Pfizer every month and that could have run out at any time, so we married so he would have my health benefits. As caring, gentle, and loving as he was, he was also controlling and manipulative. As I have posted before, he wanted me to himself and had problems with how much time I spent with my daughters, as well as wanting to control my finances, though I am the breadwinner. I finally had enough and moved to a separate house with my two younger daughters (20 & 27). Here is where my confusion sets in - I told him I would continue to help him navigate through his medical needs. He is from Greece. English is his second language, but I think he sometimes uses that as an excuse to get me to do everything for him. He likes to be taken care of. I just found out last night he is on a dating website. I don't mind that. I keep telling him to please go out and find someone else! Nothing would make me happier because he really has trouble taking "no" for an answer. I told him I support his attempt to go out and try to find companionship, and I'll continue to help him with any medical or billing issues he has, but that's it. Friends only. He wants more. Now tonight he said "We can keep seeing each other friends with benefits - and keep it a secret. We'll tell no one." What kind of game is that? My daughters don't like him (at all), but if I want to spend time with him, that's my choice. I don't need to hide it from them, nor explain it to them. So I guess he wants to keep it a secret from his family and friends in Greece and his co-workers here? Or is he playing some other game? He's so difficult to deal with. I already have tremendous guilt, "abandoning" a man with stage 3 cancer. At every turn, he tries to reel me back in. I'm just really tired. I don't think I allowed myself enough time to get over divorce #1 and here I am, headed for divorce #2. My last communication with him tonight was to tell him we need to stay friends only to the extent that I will help him when he needs help with medication, etc., so that he can communicate with these women on the dating site honestly. What a mess. (BTW, we were in marriage counseling for well over a year, pretty intensively, with two separate therapists because he didn't like the first one when he told my husband he is controlling. The second therapist was a bit more diplomatic, but came to the same conclusion.) I know I didn't cause his cancer. I just feel guilty for leaving him, but I also feel a great sense of relief that I am with my daughters and don't have to feel guilty for spending time with them anymore. I hope he finds a replacement for me soon. How sick is that? Edited December 2, 2016 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I hope he finds a replacement for me soon. How sick is that? Given what you've described, not sick at all. Allowing him to continue to access your health insurance is more than most spouses would do upon separation. Where are you in the legal process of divorce? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author vla1120 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 Given what you've described, not sick at all. Allowing him to continue to access your health insurance is more than most spouses would do upon separation. Where are you in the legal process of divorce? Mr. Lucky The short answer is that I have taken no action, yet. I know he could go to his oncologist and get a letter stating he can no longer work, then he would expect me to support him completely both medically and financially and could probably gain the sympathy of a judge, in that respect. Honestly, I am trying to tread carefully until I explore my legal options, and I do not want to show my cards because I already know how much he likes my money. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I know he could go to his oncologist and get a letter stating he can no longer work, then he would expect me to support him completely both medically and financially and could probably gain the sympathy of a judge, in that respect. Based on the short period of time you've been married, I doubt you'd be liable for support. While playing your cards close to your vest sounds like a good idea, it doesn't prevent you from getting legal advice. Rather than speculating, have an initial consultation with a divorce attorney. In your case, knowledge is power... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 The short answer is that I have taken no action, yet. I know he could go to his oncologist and get a letter stating he can no longer work, then he would expect me to support him completely both medically and financially and could probably gain the sympathy of a judge, in that respect. Honestly, I am trying to tread carefully until I explore my legal options, and I do not want to show my cards because I already know how much he likes my money. For a short marriage to a man who was working for all or part of the marriage the odds of you being made to pay alimony is slim to none. However, the longer you are married the more of your assets he is entitled to. So, call a freakin lawyer already. Look, worst case scenario you can pay his airfare back to his family in Greece and he can be taken care of by them and meet the end of his life in his home country. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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