Sad situation.....

[Giacomo67]

Hello to all, this is a long story and sorry if my english is not perfect. I was born in the US but not have put foot back since 1990. I'm 49 and I live in Italy.

 

Back in 1994 i meet this wonderful girl, me 27 and she 21, and we both got that magic feeling from the first minute. She had a old traditional family very united, and she never had a real relationship before me, as a matter of fact I was her first.

 

We got married in 1996 and in 1998 we had our first daughter. It was all really great. We both work and earned enough for a morgage and buy the house of our dreams. In 2004 we had our second son.

 

My wife then recevied a promotion in 2010 and had more responsabilities to handle, she is happy about all this. I am employed with a eletronic company since 1992. We were very united, and never did anything without our kids. We never went out by ourselves and vacation was always all 4 of us, we had a great family life.

 

Intimacy untill 2014 was always active, we met our needs togheter.

Housework was equaly split.

 

Now.... that is why that after 2 years till this day I never understood what went wrong, but mostly WHY.

 

Around september 2014 my wife started doing afterhours work. It was normal since she had plenty of work to do, but beside working late she also slowly became emotionaly detatched from me, but not with our now grown kids. Tipical great mom, less affectionate wife.

 

Since we never skipped intimacy for more then 4 days in a row, at day 10 I simply asked her what was happening... and she flipped out!

She started telling me that all i look for is sex (not true), that I dont handle the stress that she handles with work (true), other things that maybe I took for granted (maybe) and that a break from the routing was needed.

This last sentence sent off an allarm bell. Also, we never fighted... the most would happen is being pissed about something but that only lasted half a day, peace was made before the day was over.

So I just let that go, but left me thinking....

 

So after a week of ignoring the subject (and still no intimacy) I started to get suspicious, I talked with a close friend of mine that knows me since i live here, and he thought nothing of it (he knows my wife since we were engaged, and his wife is also a friend of ours). Said that we probably needed a vacation and to do something to surprize her, like a weekend in Rome just the 2 of us. And that is what I did. I booked a flight to Rome and a hotel 5 stars from friday evening till sunday afternoon. I didnt say nothing till friday morning, but my kids knew about it the same day and they were really happy for us.

Well when Friday morning came, i woke up my wife with a kiss a handed her the envolope with the plane tickets. She was indeed surprized but then pissed off that i had done that without knowing that she had already organized her work schedule to be ther friday evening and saturday morning, and of course i was stupid to wast money like that.

 

I kept my cool, said sorry and told her that me and the kids were going and that i will see her sunday evening. This was our really first fight in over 20 years. My gut was screaming at me.

 

That morning while kids were at school and my wife went to work, i went to a PI that I knew from long ago and explaned to him my doubts. He also works for the local police helping in investigations. He told me to leave with my kids and enjoy myself, and that he was available to keep an eye on her till Sunday. I felt very unconfortable about it, but it seemed a good idea.

 

By 2pm she was back home, and also my kids. At 3pm we left for the airport were she drived us and after a warm hug with our kids she gave me a colder one and left. I saw the PI there also, he blinked his eye at me and left following her. Me and the kids flyed off to Rome.

We had a wonderful weekend! My doughter loves history just like me and we visited many places, my son loves the museums and he also had a blast.

And i was happy for them, but wondering about wife and PI.

 

When sunday came at 5pm we went to the airport to fly back, wife said she will be waiting at the airport for us. At 6:30 pm we were back home waiting in the main entrance for my wife that still didnt show up. I didnt even call, I grabed the first bus and we went back to the city on our own. My doughter knew I was mad, but stayed silent. My cell rang while on the bus and it was wife asking were we were as she was looking for us in the main entrance. I told her that i would see her back home and hung up. Didnt answer her other calls, cause now i am really pissed. Got home and wife arrived 3 minutes later, and by the look on my face she knew not to engage with me. I just told her that I'm going for a coffee and that we needed to talk when i was less pissed, and she nodded ok.

 

I then called the PI and we both meet at a bar far from my naiborhood so no one could know me. The first thing he said was that my gut was right. Then grabbed his brand new cell. and showed me some disturbing videos of my wife and a OM that I never saw in my life.

Once she dropped us off from the airport she did go to work, but only stayed less then 1 hour, she then drove to a Hotel on the other side of the city and meet this OM in a inner restarount. They kissed huged and held hands at the table. The whole time they exchanged effusions.

After they got up went to book a room and in the elevator with IP wich had only the audio on and hearing them say how much they waited for this moment. When they got to ther floor the PI stayed in the elevator and then went down stairs. He waited till they finished almost 3 hours after. It all lasted from 6:00 pm till 9:00 pm. When they left with a final kiss, he decided to follow him. Saw him park and then go inside a condominium. From his plate drive he managed to find out that the car was under a ladys name that lived in that condominium. At this point he concentrated his attention only on OM.

 

Next day by 7 am he was back at OMs place, checked the outside intercom and saw the ladys last name and another last name under. Now he knew his name, and then waited to take the chance to see him again.

That happend around 10 am. He was with 2 other kids and this lady. They went shoping and by 1 pm were back home. Then at 3pm he went out again this time alone. The PI followed him to another hotel this time out of city near the airport.

Shortly after my wife arrived and the same clichè happend like the day before. Only that this time she had left the room around 6:15 pm and was in a big hurry!

 

All now was clear.... she got to the airport late cause she lost time when fuxxxxing!

The PI told me that all this evidence is useless in court for legal reasons, and told me that the copys will be in a safe place. I just asked for a copy of there first encounter so i could expose and confront later.

He said how sorry he was, and when i asked for his honorary he only wanted 200 euro's. I gave him 400.

 

Rewriting this pisses me off even if this happend in November of 2014.

NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.... be back for the second and final part.

[mikeylo]

Hello to all, this is a long story and sorry if my english is not perfect. I was born in the US but not have put foot back since 1990. I'm 49 and I live in Italy.

 

Back in 1994 i meet this wonderful girl, me 27 and she 21, and we both got that magic feeling from the first minute. She had a old traditional family very united, and she never had a real relationship before me, as a matter of fact I was her first.

 

We got married in 1996 and in 1998 we had our first daughter. It was all really great. We both work and earned enough for a morgage and buy the house of our dreams. In 2004 we had our second son.

 

My wife then recevied a promotion in 2010 and had more responsabilities to handle, she is happy about all this. I am employed with a eletronic company since 1992. We were very united, and never did anything without our kids. We never went out by ourselves and vacation was always all 4 of us, we had a great family life.

 

Intimacy untill 2014 was always active, we met our needs togheter.

Housework was equaly split.

 

Now.... that is why that after 2 years till this day I never understood what went wrong, but mostly WHY.

 

Around september 2014 my wife started doing afterhours work. It was normal since she had plenty of work to do, but beside working late she also slowly became emotionaly detatched from me, but not with our now grown kids. Tipical great mom, less affectionate wife.

 

Since we never skipped intimacy for more then 4 days in a row, at day 10 I simply asked her what was happening... and she flipped out!

She started telling me that all i look for is sex (not true), that I dont handle the stress that she handles with work (true), other things that maybe I took for granted (maybe) and that a break from the routing was needed.

This last sentence sent off an allarm bell. Also, we never fighted... the most would happen is being pissed about something but that only lasted half a day, peace was made before the day was over.

So I just let that go, but left me thinking....

 

So after a week of ignoring the subject (and still no intimacy) I started to get suspicious, I talked with a close friend of mine that knows me since i live here, and he thought nothing of it (he knows my wife since we were engaged, and his wife is also a friend of ours). Said that we probably needed a vacation and to do something to surprize her, like a weekend in Rome just the 2 of us. And that is what I did. I booked a flight to Rome and a hotel 5 stars from friday evening till sunday afternoon. I didnt say nothing till friday morning, but my kids knew about it the same day and they were really happy for us.

Well when Friday morning came, i woke up my wife with a kiss a handed her the envolope with the plane tickets. She was indeed surprized but then pissed off that i had done that without knowing that she had already organized her work schedule to be ther friday evening and saturday morning, and of course i was stupid to wast money like that.

 

I kept my cool, said sorry and told her that me and the kids were going and that i will see her sunday evening. This was our really first fight in over 20 years. My gut was screaming at me.

 

That morning while kids were at school and my wife went to work, i went to a PI that I knew from long ago and explaned to him my doubts. He also works for the local police helping in investigations. He told me to leave with my kids and enjoy myself, and that he was available to keep an eye on her till Sunday. I felt very unconfortable about it, but it seemed a good idea.

 

By 2pm she was back home, and also my kids. At 3pm we left for the airport were she drived us and after a warm hug with our kids she gave me a colder one and left. I saw the PI there also, he blinked his eye at me and left following her. Me and the kids flyed off to Rome.

We had a wonderful weekend! My doughter loves history just like me and we visited many places, my son loves the museums and he also had a blast.

And i was happy for them, but wondering about wife and PI.

 

When sunday came at 5pm we went to the airport to fly back, wife said she will be waiting at the airport for us. At 6:30 pm we were back home waiting in the main entrance for my wife that still didnt show up. I didnt even call, I grabed the first bus and we went back to the city on our own. My doughter knew I was mad, but stayed silent. My cell rang while on the bus and it was wife asking were we were as she was looking for us in the main entrance. I told her that i would see her back home and hung up. Didnt answer her other calls, cause now i am really pissed. Got home and wife arrived 3 minutes later, and by the look on my face she knew not to engage with me. I just told her that I'm going for a coffee and that we needed to talk when i was less pissed, and she nodded ok.

 

I then called the PI and we both meet at a bar far from my naiborhood so no one could know me. The first thing he said was that my gut was right. Then grabbed his brand new cell. and showed me some disturbing videos of my wife and a OM that I never saw in my life.

Once she dropped us off from the airport she did go to work, but only stayed less then 1 hour, she then drove to a Hotel on the other side of the city and meet this OM in a inner restarount. They kissed huged and held hands at the table. The whole time they exchanged effusions.

After they got up went to book a room and in the elevator with IP wich had only the audio on and hearing them say how much they waited for this moment. When they got to ther floor the PI stayed in the elevator and then went down stairs. He waited till they finished almost 3 hours after. It all lasted from 6:00 pm till 9:00 pm. When they left with a final kiss, he decided to follow him. Saw him park and then go inside a condominium. From his plate drive he managed to find out that the car was under a ladys name that lived in that condominium. At this point he concentrated his attention only on OM.

 

Next day by 7 am he was back at OMs place, checked the outside intercom and saw the ladys last name and another last name under. Now he knew his name, and then waited to take the chance to see him again.

That happend around 10 am. He was with 2 other kids and this lady. They went shoping and by 1 pm were back home. Then at 3pm he went out again this time alone. The PI followed him to another hotel this time out of city near the airport.

Shortly after my wife arrived and the same clichè happend like the day before. Only that this time she had left the room around 6:15 pm and was in a big hurry!

 

All now was clear.... she got to the airport late cause she lost time when fuxxxxing!

The PI told me that all this evidence is useless in court for legal reasons, and told me that the copys will be in a safe place. I just asked for a copy of there first encounter so i could expose and confront later.

He said how sorry he was, and when i asked for his honorary he only wanted 200 euro's. I gave him 400.

 

Rewriting this pisses me off even if this happend in November of 2014.

NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.... be back for the second and final part.

 

So in 2 years , you haven't taken any step ?

[Giacomo67]

part 2

 

It was 7:30pm when the PI's update was over, and my cell phone was ringing like crazy. It was my wife, and I just sent a message saying that i'm not done with my coffee yet.

 

I was in rage and also in panic, who is a BS knows what i mean. 20 years down the toilet. I then decided that i had to go first to were OM lived before confronting my wife. The PI thought it was better if he came along with me. Said that he would drive and then make sure i was not goinig to do something stupid. He also offered to take care of it without me, of course that was not going to happen.

So all the way during the drive he was calming me down, said what was the best way of doing it, to avoid having kids around and other things.

 

When we got to his place he rang the intercom while i was standing nearby. The lady answerd and he asked her to come down cause he had important information that she needed to know. After a bit she did come down but with OM along also, trying to understand what was the problem.

 

The PI first introduced himself and then me, at that point OM went crazy. He didnt know me phisicaly and he understood what was going on and what was about to happen and who I was. The lady was shocked seeing OM that was trying to pull her away forcing her back in the building, at that point i yelled at him saying if he was scared to let his wife know about his fuxxxxking around with my wife.

That got the attention of the lady.

OM started to say that i was some kind of freak and was ready to call the police, and thats when the PI pulled out his cell. with the videos and told him if this is what he wanted to show the cops.

His wife at that point shut OM up and wanted to know what was going on.

 

She saw it all. Went back into the building crying and very upset, OM tried to blame us for what had happend and when he saw me about to jump on him and blocked by the PI he also ran back inside.

 

Now it was time to deal with my wife.

It was almost 10pm when i called her and told her to meet me at our favorite restaraunt. The kids are grown enough to stay a couple of hours alone. Once again the PI wanted to be ther, but i told him to sit nearby and pretend not to know us.

 

When i arrived with my car at the restaraunt and PI's car right behind, my wife was already waiting in front of the entrance. I parked and saw the look of lost and fear from my wife. We went inside and sat down... she thought that I was about to talk about this last periode of time a bit apart that we had, and when she tryed to talk saying that she knew we had problems and that we needed to talk. The PI had came in and walked by us and took a table nearby. I told my wife that ther was no reason to talk and in a very calm and almost romantic way i asked her to order first our favorite pizza.

Then while eating (the PI was incredulous) i talked about our past 20 years... i riminded her when we first meet. The house, the kids all that has been so great when toghether. She seemed happy and also sad, then her cell. started ringing... it was OM. But she just turned of the phone.

I told her if it was work even on a Sunday night, she said no and before she could say anything else i told her that it must be this person... and i showed her the video from ther encounter on saterday.

 

She started to tremble and panic, I just reassured her and said to relax. No need to hide or live unhappy now. But she was about to break and i got up to pay while she was starring at the video and looking at me.

 

Told her to get up and to get in her car with me and explane without drama.

 

She gave me all the info while i just listening. She said he had meet him in august, that he had seen her during her lunch break and just wanted to know her. In the beginning she declined saying she was married, but he said the same and made it clear that it was only to have new friends.

He kept touching the right bottons with her till the end of september, thats when she fell for ther first kiss and after it got out of control.

She doesnt know why, she just said it felt good to feel validated.

That she never had any sexual partners before me and this OM had alot to lose like her to even try and ruin her marriege. In a few words a FUXX BUDDY

 

OM is married with also 2 kids a bit smaller, since he got married later. He was stressed being only a husben and he managed to make my wife feel the same. Nether one of them wanted to end ther marriege, they just wanted an escape of ther daily routing.....

 

While i was just speakless hearing all this.

 

I snapped when she asked what now. I updated her all that happend and how I found out. that now her OMs wife knows too and she was shocked.

I then told her that i needed time to think on my own, and that i was taking a week vacation going to the house in the country my parents left me.

 

I also told her not to call if she ever wanted to even think about R.

 

That same night i said that i will sleeping out, and in the morning i would stop by to drop the kids at school like usual, then pack a bag and leave.

She cryed hard, but understood.

 

I then went out of the car, and in mine. Then i left after waving at the PI that was still amazed.

 

later for the final part

[Giacomo67]

So in 2 years , you haven't taken any step ?

 

 

Yes i have sir

[Giacomo67]

Final part

 

So that night i went to a hotel and stayed up all night watching television and informing my family what had happend. I also informed my 3 BIL (1 twin sister and 2 brothers), my wife has also a mother but is old and ill, so I avoided telling her.

 

At 6:30 am i was back home and my wife was totaly upset and destroyed. i never conforted her, just said goodmorning and gave a big hug to my kids. Wife ran to the bathroom. Half hour later me and my kids are in the car and I first drop off the small one. Then while driving my daughter she stopped me and demanded to know what was going on. She is a smart one, the tipical first of the class type and we always had a wonderful relationship even more then other fathers can immagine. not exagerating.

 

So I told her what happend and what mom had done, she was at that time 16 but talks and thinks like a 25!

Anyway she got upset, knew that our family life was forever changed. She got really histerical. So i decided to drive past her school and go to this park that I always brought her since she was a baby.

We talked alot. I told her that no matter what she is her mother. That she had made mistakes and now she will handle with the consequences. That she did not need her own flesh turn against her.

I also told her that that she had to talk with her mom while i was away in the country. While saying this I had to swallow my rage.

 

We spent the whole morning talking. She did ask if i wanted a divorce, and i answerd truly... said yes. But needed to be sure about it. Thats why i was taking time for myself. We stayed toghether till 1.30pm then went and picked up the younger son and drove them back home without goinig inside.

Then i left to the country.

 

Ther was plenty of work to do and i kept my mind and body busy. Heard my kids from 3 to 5 times a day while doing things. Besides them i had isolated myself totaly. My wife tried a cuople of times to contact me but my doughther made her give up.

 

Sunday evening i was back, my kids almost knocked me out with ther hugs, wife was waiting for a hug also, but i just said hi.

We then went for a walk (wife and I) and thats when I told her that I wont be able to forget, maybe forgive but never forget. That this is not the life I wanted to live anymore. We needed to get a divorce since i see her nor longer as my wife but something else.... yes: SOMETHING not SOMEONE.

 

She then collasped emotionaly, said that if we give up on what we had, the kids would suffer terribly. Told her they would suffer more if I became violent with you, since I only felt hate and that all the good we taught them would turn bad. That i would only see her and OM in my mind and never again me and her. We would always have a connection through our kids, but no other connection is for me possible.

I had realized that her cheating would have haunted me forever, that it would had take years before i would heal, but it would heal with an outcome of a different man. That I will always love her, but no more INLOVE with her the way a husben should be.

 

In Italy if a divorce is uncontested, it takes 6 months to get it over, but if one of the two decide otherwise it can take more than a year.

 

She said that she will fight the divorce, not for the house or the money or the kids, but only to convince me that this can be repaired, and that we can come out stronger.... while saying that, the video immagines came into my mind, and i just looked at her with disgust., and she noticed.

 

So i stayed in the same house till after the Christmass holidays, also because its what my daughter asked for her christmass gift, and then decide for good what was better for me.

 

In that periode of time my wife tryed everything possible to R. , tryed reliving the things we did in the past. But i was just to numb., to much was the damage she did to ever feel the same. I was happy with my kids, but never the same and so I decided to pull the plug.

 

In Jannuary 2015 I went to the divorce layer and started the process, told my wife my intentions, and then told my kids i was moving out to the house in the country. (it's 1 hour car drive from the city). Daughter was sad but prepared, son was still confused... wife was pissed. Said she would never tear the family apart, and was never going to acept or sign D. papers.

 

Told my lawyer and he said that this will take even more then 18 months of time and lots of money. Sadly i gave him the ok to go trough the whole legal sistem and get started.

Then i left for the country.

 

I traveled everyday for work and to stay with my kids, but never at home. I realized that with the train it takes even less (30 minutes) to get to the city. so i leave my car parked in the city near the train station and when i get back home i got this scooter that brings back to the country.

 

This lifestyle lasted untill January of this year. Our divorce was finalized on the 11. 1 Full year since the starting of the process and 14 months after discovery. She had realized that it was totaly over and any more dragging would only involve the school of our kids.

 

She keeps holding on hopes even now that I'm dating a new woman. She said that she will never find someone with the connection that we had and has no intentions to even try. She is focused on our kids future and her job.

 

The OM risked also a D. but his wife in the end forgave him and i think that they are still toghether.

 

Why did I post my story? I decided to post in a forreign forum cause I needed to put it out there far from were i live.... also to hear from who managed to forgive and forget. Are they happy or sorry for ther choices....

 

I keep wondering what my future could have been....

 

thank you for just reading

[JS84]

Thanks for sharing your story. All I know is I can't recall ever hearing about a betrayed spouse who divorced a cheating spouse and regretted it in the end.

[wmacbride]

I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain and upheaval.

 

We reconciled after my husband's A, and that was about nine years ago. While we are really happy, the sting is still there. I get the sense in your words that it is still there for you as well, even though you have largely moved on.

 

Each person in this situation has to find their own way.

[BluesPower]

I stayed and I wonder sometimes if I made the right decision. Who knows.

 

You took time and thought about it calmly and made your decision. I think you did well and I also know how much it hurt to do that.

 

It is a personal choice for every betrayed spouse. Some can deal with it and some cannot. It is not better or worse in either case, it just is.

 

I hope you are doing well and thank you for sharing your story.

[Giacomo67]

Thanks for sharing your story. All I know is I can't recall ever hearing about a betrayed spouse who divorced a cheating spouse and regretted it in the end.

 

I'm not sure if its regret.... maybe curiosity? I mean how would my kids world be if i had forgived her?.... thats my wonder

[Giacomo67]

I stayed and I wonder sometimes if I made the right decision. Who knows.

 

You took time and thought about it calmly and made your decision. I think you did well and I also know how much it hurt to do that.

 

It is a personal choice for every betrayed spouse. Some can deal with it and some cannot. It is not better or worse in either case, it just is.

 

I hope you are doing well and thank you for sharing your story.

 

 

thank you,

Are you happy with your wife or do you have triggers?

sorry if i sound rude, feel free to not answer

[wmacbride]

I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain and upheaval.

 

We reconciled after my husband's A, and that was about nine years ago. While we are really happy, the sting is still there. I get the sense in your words that it is still there for you as well, even though you have largely moved on.

 

Each person in this situation has to find their own way.

 

Op,

I also wanted to commend you on protecting the relationship between your children and their mother. You sound like an awesome dad.

 

I know many think that kids should be kept out of the mix, but form what you say, your oldest daughter already had an idea of what was going on. You didn't give in to the temptation to run down he mother, instead, you did what you could to make sure that your children still love and respect their mom.

[Clay]

Its really sad that people are willing to just throw there family away over these kinds of things. The damage people do while being selfish is amazing. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your children. You will see in time this will be something that helps them face with these kinds of issues in the future.

 

I am sorry you went through this.

 

C

[Scarlett94]

Thank you for sharing your story.

I sense you might have some regrets?

I reconciled and honestly don't have any regrets about choosing that path.

 

Do you want to date your ex wife?

[BTDT2012]

It sounds like you did what was best for you. Did your wife ever get any counseling for herself? I admire your resolve.

[BluesPower]

Giacomo67 in my case it is complicated..

 

You never forgive an affair, I think people try some think they do. You want to forgive and forget but neither really happens IMHO. You learn to live with it.

 

I wise her affairs were all I needed to get over that would be great. It is more her "Hidden" drug addiction that reeked havoc in my life for 20 years. That is what I am having trouble with. The sex, meh??? The betrayal that is the big deal.

 

Anyway it turns out that I kind of lost my mind a few years back and cheated, a lot. So, the affair thing is just not that big a deal for me at this point.

 

I was going to divorce anyway, but she got sober and wanted to work on the marriage and give it a second chance, I said yes. Who knows what will happen.

 

Are you having second thoughts or are you ok with where you are at?

[40somethingGuy]

What I will never understand is when a woman decides to have an affair, they often get cold and distant to the husband as if he did something major to upset her long term. Its like she betrays her spouse in the first place and then tries to punish them for their toxic choices.

 

 

How is your ex wife handling this? Does she have regret and trying to reconcile with you? or has she moved on.

[Giacomo67]

Thank you all for your responces.

Since i found out about her affair she had been very remorsful. I only mentioned a small part of her reaction. During this whole year she alway sent a goodmorning text and a goodnight text never receiving aswers from me.

 

-bleuspower

 

your reaction was different from mine, but I too wanted to cheat on her out of rage and revenge. but it didnt happen till after my divorce.

Last question: are you both happy now?

 

-BTDT2012

 

No IC that I know about. She leaned on family and friends and concentrated herself on kids and work

 

 

-Scarlett94

 

I would like to update but I'm afraid it would make her think that i might want to R. But one day I think I need to tell her that I have no hard feeling anymore.

 

 

Thank you Clay for your comment, very true...... also because it was only sex.

[Giacomo67]

What I will never understand is when a woman decides to have an affair, they often get cold and distant to the husband as if he did something major to upset her long term. Its like she betrays her spouse in the first place and then tries to punish them for their toxic choices.

 

 

How is your ex wife handling this? Does she have regret and trying to reconcile with you? or has she moved on.

 

Yes, we did discuss about this. And i asked her why she would give me also the cold shoulder. At first she didnt have an answer, but then she realized that it was her conscience eating her up and the awareness of her wrong doing.

Its like: dont treat me good cause you dont deserve it, so i will treat you bad so i cant see your goodness..... dont know if I explaned it right.

[40somethingGuy]

Yes, we did discuss about this. And i asked her why she would give me also the cold shoulder. At first she didnt have an answer, but then she realized that it was her conscience eating her up and the awareness of her wrong doing.

Its like: dont treat me good cause you dont deserve it, so i will treat you bad so i cant see your goodness..... dont know if I explaned it right.

 

I asked that because I have found that the 'distance and coldness out of seemingly nowhere' is one of the biggest tell tale signs that someone else is involved. It happened to me. When my wife was confronted I got the same kind of shame and sadness. She said she was almost daring me to divorce by pushing me away because she felt such guilt that it was happening under my nose. Are you happy with your decision now? What is your relationship with the ex like today?

[DKT3]

I asked that because I have found that the 'distance and coldness out of seemingly nowhere' is one of the biggest tell tale signs that someone else is involved. It happened to me. When my wife was confronted I got the same kind of shame and sadness. She said she was almost daring me to divorce by pushing me away because she felt such guilt that it was happening under my nose. Are you happy with your decision now? What is your relationship with the ex like today?

 

I noticed with my wife, she had a really hard time with me doing nice things for her during the affair. She would often question why, or makes comments about me feeling like I had to do nice things and I was really doing them because I wanted to or out of love but obligation. Use to confuse the hell out of me...then I found out about the affair and everything cleared right up.

[vanhalenfan]

Thank you for sharing your story. I commend you on keeping up a wonderful relationship with your children...so important, as you know. I am sorry this happened to you...Infidelity and betrayal are so so hurtful. I am glad you calmly made your decision that you deserve much better and are rebuilding your life.

[Buckeye2]

She said that she will fight the divorce, not for the house or the money or the kids, but only to convince me that this can be repaired, and that we can come out stronger....

 

my wife tryed everything possible to R. , tryed reliving the things we did in the past.

 

She keeps holding on hopes even now that I'm dating a new woman. She said that she will never find someone with the connection that we had and has no intentions to even try.

 

Remember your ex-wife didn’t love you, she loved being your wife. She loved the respect, security, stability and family she got as your wife. That’s why she had no intention of leaving you and got, as you put it, a “FUXX BUDDY.” She wanted sex with him and not you. Now you’re the road she has to take to get all of that back.

[Buckeye2]

I asked that because I have found that the 'distance and coldness out of seemingly nowhere' is one of the biggest tell tale signs that someone else is involved. It happened to me. When my wife was confronted I got the same kind of shame and sadness. She said she was almost daring me to divorce by pushing me away because she felt such guilt that it was happening under my nose.

 

This is why affairs are so destructive. If the betrayed spouse does something nice it’s a negative for the wayward spouse. When betrayed spouse does something inconsiderate it’s welcomed by the wayward spouse as evidence that their affair was justified.

[BuddyX]

Thank you for your story. Brought back painful memories, but it's all good now. I'm over it. A previous post laid it out precisely in regards to cheating partner.

 

"Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you."

 

Dead on

[BluesPower]

You know I never thought of my cheating as a Revenge affair.

 

She was almost comatose and we stopped have sex. Form that point it took about a week to line up a new GF. I just could not divorce her at that point because she was so bad off with the addiction. I did not know what to do frankly.

 

Yes I have triggers but I get triggers about the stuff that went on when she was out of her mind with the drugs. Those are the triggers that I get.

 

Am I happy, I just really don't know. I think it is possible maybe. For me if our marriage ends then I am ok with that. If we stay together and have a healthy happy marriage, I am ok with that.

 

I think my goal is to be happy, whatever happens. No I have not forgiven her for any of actually. I am trying to learn to live with it. But I will never forgive or forget.