Sad situation.....

[Marc878]

Infidelity lasts forever. It may dissipate over time but it'll always be there to some extent.

 

Not everyone can reconcile and it's better to move on than waste years on something that can never be.

 

Remourse? Maybe. More likely regret at being caught and everyone knowing, losing the lifestyle. I don't think many truly regret their affairs. They just regret the aftermath.

 

I don't know any BS that ever regretted or had remourse over the divorce.

[drifter777]

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it will help many betrayed husbands for years to come.

 

I stayed because I was afraid of being alone & not being with my son every day. I knew within a few months that I would never forgive her so I tried to push it all to the back of my mind and pretend it never happened. What a mistake.

 

When a man knows he will never get the pictures of her having sex with OM out of his mind, he should divorce. Period. Some guys don't care - they say things like "it was only sex" and those men maybe can forgive and reconcile. But all men know whats in their hearts and to stay when they know they will see a cheating wh0re every time they look at her is wrong for both of them.

[road]

I'm not sure if its regret.... maybe curiosity? I mean how would my kids world be if i had forgived her?.... thats my wonder

 

 

A BH does not have to justify divorcing his WW.

 

 

Getting a divorce can make one happy and yet still feel regret for it is not just about you but what happened to your marriage family and children. So many different levels to consider.

 

 

With enough time can you and your WW ever get back together again after a divorce? Others have.

 

 

Your WW hurt you and you needed to hurt her back so you divorced her.

[Mr Blunt]

Posted by Giacomo67

also to hear from who managed to forgive and forget. Are they happy or sorry for their choices....

 

 

 

I forgave but I cannot forget. My definition of forgive is to not have any hate or want revenge and I do not want any harm to come to her. In fact at times I can have sympathy and tender feelings for her.

 

I divorced my wife when she told me about the betrayal and then she came crawling back. I allowed her to stay in the home to see if she was going to prove real remorse. She showed absolutely no signs that she wanted any other man but me but I made her prove that for 4 + years then I remarried her. I remarried her because she was truly remorseful and proved it for 4 years but also because of my children and faith.

 

What I have done over the years is to work on me getting more self-sufficient so that I do not need her as much. This is self-preservation and protection as I no longer put as many of my emotions in her that I used to. I still have a soft spot in my heart for her but I do not admire her as much as I did and know that my security cannot be put in her hands.

 

After many many years I can now see that my choice to have her in our family has paid off especially for the children and grandchildren. I am certain that now we are a closer family than the first years after the betrayal and I am sure we would not be this close if we did not come back together. We have a very good relationship with our children and grandchildren. I do not think that I would be happier without her. I have a good life and enjoy many things but there are some permanent losses; admiration, security, and less dependent on her and more dependent on myself are permanent situations.

 

This is my situation but I know that everyone has different circumstances.

[Giacomo67]

I asked that because I have found that the 'distance and coldness out of seemingly nowhere' is one of the biggest tell tale signs that someone else is involved. It happened to me. When my wife was confronted I got the same kind of shame and sadness. She said she was almost daring me to divorce by pushing me away because she felt such guilt that it was happening under my nose. Are you happy with your decision now? What is your relationship with the ex like today?

 

 

Yes i am happy, also because it was a real deal breaker for me at that time. My only thought was divorce. There was no going back on that, but as they say, time heals. So since I did what was right for me and my kids, I managed to forgive her... I finaly found peace. This allowed me to have a civil relationship not only with my xw, but also with my BIL's.

 

She always shows me how much is still in love, but I never give her any hope..... thats why this hole thing is so sad

[Giacomo67]

You know I never thought of my cheating as a Revenge affair.

 

She was almost comatose and we stopped have sex. Form that point it took about a week to line up a new GF. I just could not divorce her at that point because she was so bad off with the addiction. I did not know what to do frankly.

 

Yes I have triggers but I get triggers about the stuff that went on when she was out of her mind with the drugs. Those are the triggers that I get.

 

Am I happy, I just really don't know. I think it is possible maybe. For me if our marriage ends then I am ok with that. If we stay together and have a healthy happy marriage, I am ok with that.

 

I think my goal is to be happy, whatever happens. No I have not forgiven her for any of actually. I am trying to learn to live with it. But I will never forgive or forget.

 

Wow.... I think I need to read your story as soon as I can.

[Giacomo67]

Infidelity lasts forever. It may dissipate over time but it'll always be there to some extent.

 

Not everyone can reconcile and it's better to move on than waste years on something that can never be.

 

Remourse? Maybe. More likely regret at being caught and everyone knowing, losing the lifestyle. I don't think many truly regret their affairs. They just regret the aftermath.

 

I don't know any BS that ever regretted or had remourse over the divorce.

 

like I said before, i dont regret my decision, it actualy saved me. The thing is now that we are D. I find myself wondering......dont forget that in 49 years of my life, over 20 was with her.

[Giacomo67]

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it will help many betrayed husbands for years to come.

 

I stayed because I was afraid of being alone & not being with my son every day. I knew within a few months that I would never forgive her so I tried to push it all to the back of my mind and pretend it never happened. What a mistake.

 

When a man knows he will never get the pictures of her having sex with OM out of his mind, he should divorce. Period. Some guys don't care - they say things like "it was only sex" and those men maybe can forgive and reconcile. But all men know whats in their hearts and to stay when they know they will see a cheating wh0re every time they look at her is wrong for both of them.

 

This helped alot! Thank you

[Giacomo67]

A BH does not have to justify divorcing his WW.

 

With enough time can you and your WW ever get back together again after a divorce? Others have.

 

 

 

One of the reasons why I find myself posting here.... IDK.

I am dating this woman that knows very well my situation. We are just both leaning on ourselves without expectations-

I told her that I dont feel that special spark between us and she is ok with it, cause for now we just need to fill an empty space that we both have

[Giacomo67]

Posted by Giacomo67

also to hear from who managed to forgive and forget. Are they happy or sorry for their choices....

 

 

 

I forgave but I cannot forget. My definition of forgive is to not have any hate or want revenge and I do not want any harm to come to her. In fact at times I can have sympathy and tender feelings for her.

 

I divorced my wife when she told me about the betrayal and then she came crawling back. I allowed her to stay in the home to see if she was going to prove real remorse. She showed absolutely no signs that she wanted any other man but me but I made her prove that for 4 + years then I remarried her. I remarried her because she was truly remorseful and proved it for 4 years but also because of my children and faith.

 

What I have done over the years is to work on me getting more self-sufficient so that I do not need her as much. This is self-preservation and protection as I no longer put as many of my emotions in her that I used to. I still have a soft spot in my heart for her but I do not admire her as much as I did and know that my security cannot be put in her hands.

 

After many many years I can now see that my choice to have her in our family has paid off especially for the children and grandchildren. I am certain that now we are a closer family than the first years after the betrayal and I am sure we would not be this close if we did not come back together. We have a very good relationship with our children and grandchildren. I do not think that I would be happier without her. I have a good life and enjoy many things but there are some permanent losses; admiration, security, and less dependent on her and more dependent on myself are permanent situations.

 

This is my situation but I know that everyone has different circumstances.

 

 

Interessing......

Did you date anyone in those 4 years?

[Darren Steez]

I look at it differently, had you not hired a PI, had you been naive and turned a blind eye to what was going on the affair would have continued perhaps for years.

 

She did what she did knowingly and freely, so all the remorse afterwards is all null and void in my opinion.

 

Congratulations to you, oh and you've taught your kids the biggest lesson there is. There is no substitute for integrity and self worth, their dad is a man who thinks highly of himself as a man not to be cheated on. That's something to look up to.

[Jump Through Loops]

One of the reasons why I find myself posting here.... IDK.

I am dating this woman that knows very well my situation. We are just both leaning on ourselves without expectations-

I told her that I dont feel that special spark between us and she is ok with it, cause for now we just need to fill an empty space that we both have

 

Tick tock, tick tock...

 

Where is that 'special spark'?...

 

Tick tock...

 

What do I need to do to fill that 'empty space'?...

 

Tick tock...

 

It's only a matter of time...

[Mr Blunt]

Interessing......

Did you date anyone in those 4 years?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only one...I could not enjoy the date so I never dated again.

[merrmeade]

Hmmm. Standing back and looking at all these guys' reactions to OP's posts, I think they're all valid. It's also valid to me that OP seems to be asking for affirmation to do what he already, not so deep-down wants to do: get back together with his wife. He's been with other women a little and still feels that main connection with her. So he's being smart and asking for different ways of looking at the situation. Whether or not it's inevitable, everyone's right that he needs to stand back and make an informed decision/compromise before it's too late (which ironically sounds like advice for someone about to commit adultery).

 

OP was totally on top of the infidelity game, hiring the PI from, what, day one? and how he handled the confrontation with AP, AP wife and her. Jeez, who does that on his own? So I don't feel the least bit condescending to someone like that who STILL says all this time later that no one else makes him happy.

 

I think Jump through the Hoops is probably right that it's just a matter of time before they're back together, so I say help him with what that might look like. He's asking! What should reconciliation look and feel like? He needs to be reminded that it simply won't be the marriage it was before, but it can be good with some work. What should he get from her? A pre-nup (post??) maybe?

 

Whatever it is, I think he can handle it but needs lots of warnings and advice what to look for in her before even taking step 1 - not reasons not to do it at all. That's his decision. Suggest what he will need from her, what she should be and do to prove she's sincere, what will make it a safe investment so to speak. How to protect himself.

 

Just my one cent.

[DKT3]

Hmmm. Standing back and looking at all these guys' reactions to OP's posts, I think they're all valid. It's also valid to me that OP seems to be asking for affirmation to do what he already, not so deep-down wants to do: get back together with his wife. He's been with other women a little and still feels that main connection with her. So he's being smart and asking for different ways of looking at the situation. Whether or not it's inevitable, everyone's right that he needs to stand back and make an informed decision/compromise before it's too late (which ironically sounds like advice for someone about to commit adultery).

 

OP was totally on top of the infidelity game, hiring the PI from, what, day one? and how he handled the confrontation with AP, AP wife and her. Jeez, who does that on his own? So I don't feel the least bit condescending to someone like that who STILL says all this time later that no one else makes him happy.

 

I think Jump through the Hoops is probably right that it's just a matter of time before they're back together, so I say help him with what that might look like. He's asking! What should reconciliation look and feel like? He needs to be reminded that it simply won't be the marriage it was before, but it can be good with some work. What should he get from her? A pre-nup (post??) maybe?

 

Whatever it is, I think he can handle it but needs lots of warnings and advice what to look for in her before even taking step 1 - not reasons not to do it at all. That's his decision. Suggest what he will need from her, what she should be and do to prove she's sincere, what will make it a safe investment so to speak. How to protect himself.

 

Just my one cent.

 

I think you're right. Having done the exact thing.

 

After her affair i just wanted it back, it is the wife I had before it all started. In her place was this alien that I barely recognized. Divorced, dating a ton feeling like something was missing.

 

Meanwhile, I was seeing in her that woman I fell in love with all those years ago. The pull was great.

 

The progression was very slow and on my terms, she remained patient and here we are.

[merrmeade]

I think you're right. Having done the exact thing.

 

After her affair i just wanted it back, it is the wife I had before it all started. In her place was this alien that I barely recognized. Divorced, dating a ton feeling like something was missing.

 

Meanwhile, I was seeing in her that woman I fell in love with all those years ago. The pull was great.

 

The progression was very slow and on my terms, she remained patient and here we are.

Yeah, this is useful, a POV that OP needs to hear from but with practical tips - What's hard about it? How do we protect ourselves this time? Etc.

 

OP is more than capable of asking his own questions even in a second language.

[aliveagain]

Pisano, for many of us infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. You dealt with her infidelity by firing her as your wife. You have balanced the fact that she had sex with another man by dating another woman. The difference here is that her sex happened while she was married to you and yours happened after you terminated your marriage to her, big difference. Nothing says you can't remarry her but if you do take the proper precautions. She gets herself individual counselling to find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat on you, you need to feel safe because you already know that she is more then willing to cheat on you if she thinks she can get away with it. A strong prenuptial agreement that gives you the majority of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity(if she won't honour her word to you maybe she will honour a financial consequence). Transparency, she needs to give you all of her passwords, no more secrets. Don't rush it, live together with a legal agreement regarding who gets what before you do.

[kvolm2016]

I'm not sure if its regret.... maybe curiosity? I mean how would my kids world be if i had forgived her?.... thats my wonder

 

It is easy for our minds to dwell on all the "what ifs". It is impossible to know the answers to any of these questions. There are simply too many variable factors. Your kids world was forever altered in the moment that the affair was revealed to them. Their lives were going to be different from that point onward, no matter which path you chose. It sounds like you have made the effort to maintain your relationship with them which is really what matters now and for their future.

[KimJ1234]

I guess I feel the opposite about 'snooping', but my husband has cheated so that's my defense.

 

I believe a couple shouldn't keep secrets. My husband has full access to everything on my phone and vice versa.

When someone starts hiding stuff it's a red flag.

 

The way I see it is: everyone gets jealous sometimes. I want my husband to know I have nothing to hide so if it makes him feel better to look at my phone than I encourage it.

 

I'd rather have him look at the phone than stewing on something that's nonexistent.

 

After I found out about his affairs (by snooping on his phone) our marriage counselor told him that I have every right to look at his phone now if it helps me feel better or less panicked. He understood. He had to agree to be an open book.

[road]

Op,

I also wanted to commend you on protecting the relationship between your children and their mother. You sound like an awesome dad.

 

I know many think that kids should be kept out of the mix, but form what you say, your oldest daughter already had an idea of what was going on. You didn't give in to the temptation to run down he mother, instead, you did what you could to make sure that your children still love and respect their mom.

 

Hey! It's Captain Peacock.

[road]

Yes i am happy, also because it was a real deal breaker for me at that time. My only thought was divorce. There was no going back on that, but as they say, time heals. So since I did what was right for me and my kids, I managed to forgive her... I finaly found peace. This allowed me to have a civil relationship not only with my xw, but also with my BIL's.

 

She always shows me how much is still in love, but I never give her any hope..... thats why this hole thing is so sad

 

 

 

Not saying you should, have to, must, get back together. Just that if eventually someday you feel it is possible means that there is nothing wrong with exploring that option.

[Giacomo67]

I passed my weekend with my kids in the country, didnt use internet at all.

I wiil catch-up on your reply's.

In the meanwhile I enjoyed the full 2 days with my kids, the weather was great and we had a blast working! We planted many vegtables and cut some wood.

It also was an important referendum day in wich finaly Italy got rid of the premier Renzi. But thats another story.

 

This morning early i took my kids to school, and now i am on my lunch hour typin the update.

 

Later i would like to answer some of your posts....

 

thank you all

[Giacomo67]

I do have time to answer a couple of posts:

 

DARREN STEEZ....

 

Thank you.

 

 

MR. BLUNT

 

Thank you also for sharing your experience

 

 

MERRMEADE

 

You basictly hit the nail right on the head!

[Ahurtgirl]

It seems that more often than not, if a wife has an affair, the husband divorces his wife if he hasn't had an affair himself (common that both spouses have affairs in problem marriages) but if the husband has an affair most women forgive and decide to work on their marriage and even report that once reconciliation is final, their marriage is even better than before their husband strayed.

[BTDT2012]

It seems that more often than not, if a wife has an affair, the husband divorces his wife if he hasn't had an affair himself (common that both spouses have affairs in problem marriages) but if the husband has an affair most women forgive and decide to work on their marriage and even report that once reconciliation is final, their marriage is even better than before their husband strayed.

 

Then I guess reconciliation for me is not final then. My marriage is not better than before he strayed.