Sad situation.....

[Jersey born raised]

It sounds as though you ex is pressuring her brother to ask you for herself and not the baby. I can't help but think of the end of the movie "The Godfather".

[Giacomo67]

well, the other night went well. I basicly had a good chat with my exBIL, we always had a good get along.

I did ask him if it was his sister who was insisting for me to be the godfather and he honestly told me that she was indeed hoping that i excepted. He also said that it was always in his mind for me to be his sons godfather way back when they were trying to have one, and before our D.

So i simply responded almost in the same way i did with my ex, and declined the offer.

We stayed al night taliking about other thinks and almost getting wasted on coctails. He will be always a good friend to me.

 

So now tha talk is about Christmas..... my ex wants us to all be toghether, i told her that i had other plans for that day and in the evening i would pick up the kids and take them out.

 

She is keeping to push me in a kind way for R. ...... really upsetting for my feelings i must add

[tinkerbell16]

well, the other night went well. I basicly had a good chat with my exBIL, we always had a good get along.

I did ask him if it was his sister who was insisting for me to be the godfather and he honestly told me that she was indeed hoping that i excepted. He also said that it was always in his mind for me to be his sons godfather way back when they were trying to have one, and before our D.

So i simply responded almost in the same way i did with my ex, and declined the offer.

We stayed al night taliking about other thinks and almost getting wasted on coctails. He will be always a good friend to me.

 

So now tha talk is about Christmas..... my ex wants us to all be toghether, i told her that i had other plans for that day and in the evening i would pick up the kids and take them out.

 

She is keeping to push me in a kind way for R. ...... really upsetting for my feelings i must add

 

Have you made it clear you do not want a relationship with her outside of Co parenting or are you in some way enjoying her attention?

 

It is good to feel wanted by someone who cheated on you... it almost heals the wound a bit BUT... it makes it impossible to truly move on for yourself.

 

It wasn't until I made it clear that there was NO way I was interested in my ex (I guess divorcing him wasn't enough) that he stopped and now I am able to really focus on my new relationship and be "all in".

 

If you have made it clear it is a selfish act on her part to keep you "tied" to her. Selfish... kind of like her affair. Which should remind you why you DON'T want her. Lol

[Mr Blunt]

by Giacomo67

So now the talk is about Christmas..... My ex wants us to all be together, i told her that I had other plans for that day and in the evening I would pick up the kids and take them out.

She is keeping to push me in a kind way for R. ...... really upsetting for my feelings i must add

 

 

 

 

You will be together with your children when you pick them up in the evening so the children will not miss out on being with both parents on Christmas. Your wife wants you to be together with HER for Christmas but she ruined that with her betrayal of the whole family. Your wife is really having a hard time living with the consequences that she is responsible for.

 

Your wife is kindly pushing you to R and that is emotionally upsetting to you? Why are you upset about that? What does R mean for her and what does R mean for you?

[Cephalopod]

well, the other night went well. I basicly had a good chat with my exBIL, we always had a good get along.

I did ask him if it was his sister who was insisting for me to be the godfather and he honestly told me that she was indeed hoping that i excepted. He also said that it was always in his mind for me to be his sons godfather way back when they were trying to have one, and before our D.

So i simply responded almost in the same way i did with my ex, and declined the offer.

We stayed al night taliking about other thinks and almost getting wasted on coctails. He will be always a good friend to me.

 

So now tha talk is about Christmas..... my ex wants us to all be toghether, i told her that i had other plans for that day and in the evening i would pick up the kids and take them out.

 

She is keeping to push me in a kind way for R. ...... really upsetting for my feelings i must add

 

She needs to show everyone that the two of you are still friends. If she can show that the two of you are still friends, then she can condone her affair and pass it off as a natural result of the fact that the two of you were never meant to be husband and wife.

 

It will allow her to say to everyone that you acknowledge that her affair was a cry for freedom from an unsatisfying marriage. But it is all okay now, because you only want her to be happy, and you and her are still good friends, and you have both learned from your mistakes and the two of you can co-parent and still be perfect and admirable in everyone's eyes.

[Giacomo67]

Your wife is kindly pushing you to R and that is emotionally upsetting to you? Why are you upset about that? What does R mean for her and what does R mean for you?

 

You see..... in 48 hours i disentegrated a 20 year relationship.

In those 20 years we had it all.... family, love, romance and all the good things a man can wish himself. After her A. I put an end to all without looking back. I was drastic and firm.

 

I guess you need to be in a very long relationship to really understand.

I am divorced, so there was no R. So what she wants is try to date again and see if we can start from 0

[Giacomo67]

She needs to show everyone that the two of you are still friends. If she can show that the two of you are still friends, then she can condone her affair and pass it off as a natural result of the fact that the two of you were never meant to be husband and wife.

 

It will allow her to say to everyone that you acknowledge that her affair was a cry for freedom from an unsatisfying marriage. But it is all okay now, because you only want her to be happy, and you and her are still good friends, and you have both learned from your mistakes and the two of you can co-parent and still be perfect and admirable in everyone's eyes.

 

we are divorced, there is nothing to show at anyone. All know why so i dont think thats the reason. Besides i have been dating any many saw me move on from that crap.

She tells everyone how much she regrets her A. without shame.

[aliveagain]

You see..... in 48 hours i disentegrated a 20 year relationship.

In those 20 years we had it all.... family, love, romance and all the good things a man can wish himself. After her A. I put an end to all without looking back. I was drastic and firm.

 

I guess you need to be in a very long relationship to really understand.

I am divorced, so there was no R. So what she wants is try to date again and see if we can start from 0

 

Friend, all you are doing is finishing what she started when she made the conscious decision to be unfaithful. She disintegrated a 20 year relationship, all you did was learn the truth about who you married. Correct your thinking, you are a victim, you were tricked and deceived.

[Cephalopod]

Let me ask you, are you still physically attracted to her? Why not go on a date with her, maybe develop a "Friends With Benefits" situation where the two of you have sex occasionally, with no promise that you will get back together? Would that be something worthwhile?

 

My logic being, the two of you know each other sexually, you are comfortable with each other, and this would provide her an opportunity to prove to you she can be sexually monogamous with you. You get sex, and she gets to show you that she can be faithful.

 

You can then tell her that you will be dating other women at the same time. If she still agrees, even with that caveat, you would be in a winning situation. You would not have to make any promises to her, and she can prove to you that she can "walk her talk" and be faithful.

[tinkerbell16]

Friend, all you are doing is finishing what she started when she made the conscious decision to be unfaithful. She disintegrated a 20 year relationship, all you did was learn the truth about who you married. Correct your thinking, you are a victim, you were tricked and deceived.

 

So true Aliveagain,

 

It's amazing how the betrayed spouse can sometimes end up feeling guilty for pulling the trigger. Even more difficult when the cheater "comes back".

 

Our hearts are still convinced on some level the person we loved is in there somewhere, regardless of what they have shown themselves to actually be.

[merrmeade]

It's interesting how every one of these posts is true and relevant - for some sets of circumstances but maybe not for others. I think you have to be really careful you don't get hurt again and provide some of these parameters. I don't know how I feel about the last suggestion: You date; she has to be only with you. That's a little draconian to me, but on the other hand you don't want to start over without conditions. You need to weigh which suggestions work for you and protect you.

[BluesPower]

I don't know if OP is saying that he wants to reconcile, it is kind of hard to say either way.

 

I think I am hearing that he is done and he made his decision. I frankly applaud him for being so decisive and the way in which he handled it.

 

However, the carnal part of me just loves Cephalopod's idea. Good idea Cephalopod.

 

Who are we to say that OP should want to R. I know that we all like happy endings here on LS, but I am not sure that it happens that often.

 

I believe that people that hurt us can still love us, but sometimes it is just too little to late. Sometimes, it is not.

[Giacomo67]

thanks to everyone who posted....

Cephalopod's post made me really laugh.

 

Anyway, who say that i have no intentions of R. is right. The problem is that my ex is really good trying to! She knows I'm dating and that for me it's totaly over, but she holds on with this hope that we can still make it and that her actions are showing a reborn woman, full of regret and patiently waiting for me to come back.....

I cant find a story here that is like mine. Sometimes it makes me feel ..... sad.

 

I told my ex that friday i had plans with who i'm dating, let's call her NL (new life) and that i would be back christmas evening to pick up the kids and keep them till monday evening. Then new tears eve they would be with me and that she can have them on new years day.

She agreeded and then cryed.....

[Ocdude]

Honestly, simple question. Do you still love her?

[understand50]

thanks to everyone who posted....

Cephalopod's post made me really laugh.

 

Anyway, who say that i have no intentions of R. is right. The problem is that my ex is really good trying to! She knows I'm dating and that for me it's totaly over, but she holds on with this hope that we can still make it and that her actions are showing a reborn woman, full of regret and patiently waiting for me to come back.....

I cant find a story here that is like mine. Sometimes it makes me feel ..... sad.

 

I told my ex that friday i had plans with who i'm dating, let's call her NL (new life) and that i would be back christmas evening to pick up the kids and keep them till monday evening. Then new tears eve they would be with me and that she can have them on new years day.

She agreeded and then cryed.....

 

Giacomo67,

 

She is seeing, and living, the consequences. I think she never thought that even if cought, you would do this. The fact that you are moving on with out her, has not sunk in. I feel you still have love, just, that it is not enough to overcome her betrayal. In a way, the love you have left for her, is being shown by not giving her any hope, of you and her getting back together. At some point she will move on from you, and that is best for her, as you are moving on from her. Your actions should be a textbook for those that decide to divorce. A fast, clean brake is best for both, and in the end the only kindness left to be given to a wondering spouse by a betrayed spouse.

 

I wish you luck....

[Giacomo67]

Honestly, simple question. Do you still love her?

 

love is not the same.... when you love someone you go out of your way to make that person special. Make love every chance you have and always giving the priority to that person.......

I no longer have those feelings for her.

 

So i guess that i'm not in love anymore but i do care for her

[Giacomo67]

Giacomo67,

 

She is seeing, and living, the consequences. I think she never thought that even if cought, you would do this. The fact that you are moving on with out her, has not sunk in. I feel you still have love, just, that it is not enough to overcome her betrayal. In a way, the love you have left for her, is being shown by not giving her any hope, of you and her getting back together. At some point she will move on from you, and that is best for her, as you are moving on from her. Your actions should be a textbook for those that decide to divorce. A fast, clean brake is best for both, and in the end the only kindness left to be given to a wondering spouse by a betrayed spouse.

 

I wish you luck....

 

 

Yes. I agree, thank you for this.

[Alamo657]

You're the textbook example of a Man with a big M.

 

No bull****, treason is not forgiven.

 

Hiring a PI seem to be the only way catch them in their lies without being accused of snooping/mistrust. Evidence obtained outside of their privacy is the key to be in control of this kind of situation.

[Giacomo67]

Well... it been some time now and i would like to share the latest.

 

The hollidays went by with no problems, we divided the days in order to spend with our kids. New years eve was fun!

 

Then in mid January I split-up with NL (New Life-girl friend), she wanted to push our relationship further. Wanted to try to have a new family.... she is 40 and said that it can still be possible. I was like WTF!

Told her that i was sorry if i gave her that impression, but i have always been sincere of my intentions, and having other kids was not even thought as an option. She has already a grown son, and we never talked about having others, so i was a bit off-guard. She didnt take it right, so i put a stop to any drama and told her that we should stop seeing eachother. Till this day she is NC with me, but thats ok.

 

When my EXW found out about the split she started to call more often, most of the times I ignored, other times we just updated our life's.

Then one day she and my kids show up at my country house! She told me the kids wanted to surprize me and if it was ok to leave them and she would leave to pick them up later....... Told her that she can stay and in the meanwhile i was hugging my kids.

 

She then asked if was ok to go inside the house while i was with the kids outside work-playing with them, no problem.

A couple of hours go by and then she comes out and say's that it's time to go and my son didnt want to leave..... so stupid me said that i would get changed and then all of us go out for a pizza and then they can leave.

When i went inside i saw the house totaly cleaned and washed.... WINDOWS, FURNITURE EVERYTHING!

The kids started to watch television while i was in the bathroom, and exwife was outside picking vegetable's and taking care of the flowers.

 

When i was ready we all left for the pizza, and I thanked her for the house cleaning and for bringing me the kids, i let her keep the vegetables so she can give our kids genuine food.

 

We had our pizza and also a good time, I was mostly involved talking with my kids, with my ex from the minute she made the surprize till the moment i paid for the pizza's, we barly talked. Just normal things and nothing about us 2. Afterwords they left for the city.

 

I had mixed feelings that day.... madness, kindness, emotion's and WTF moments..... but all in all i felt ok.

 

Then in the beginning of February she calls and ask's if i would like to exchange the visit, come to the city and go for a dinner with her and the kids, and I politly told her no. I also told her that what she is doing is wanting to date, and that i was not ok with that. She understood and said nothing no more.

But her acting that way got to me.... how is it that she still to this day has not moved on? anyway, i tried to not think about it at all untill mid February.

 

When i finished my work hours i was at the train station ready to head back to the country, then i said to myself..... WHY NOT?!?

So I drove to the city house to make a surprize just the same way she did a month ago. My daoughter answerd and let me in all happy. Also my son was happy. EXW was not at home, she was out with friends. But the look of my daoughter hid more, so i asked friends or friend? Friend she said.

I didnt even glimps, told her that it was a shame to not go out the 3 of us but to leave a message in case exw was back before. Daughter wanted to call ex, but i stopped her and said to not worry.

 

We had a good time toghether, went bowling and then to see a movie. Went back to the house to drop off the kids and ex was still not home, so I kissed and hugged them and then left.

 

I totaly fuxxed up! On one hand i was glad of the good evening with my kids, but on the other i felt so stupid for some reason. Finaly when i got home i started receiving calls from my ex. And here is were i really knew how i fuxxed up!

I shut off the cell. took a bath and went to bed.

 

The following day we eventualy talked, she said she was sorry that she wasnt a part of the surprize evening and wanted to organize again. I simply told her that it was ok, and that i needed to see the kids for a get-out.

I was very polite because i didnt want her to have any wrong ideas. She was about to tell me her evening out, but i stopped her saying thet it is not my buisness.

 

Now it's been a couple of weeks basck to normal like before.... but what a mind game i went through! I realized that i mad bad decisions and bad boundaries in thoose 2 months. NEVER AGAIN!!

 

thanks for just reading and forgive the vent!

[WilyWill]

So your ex is out dating other men. I guess that's not a problem in itself, but if she's pretending she wants to get back together with you, then it seems like just more deception on her part. Good luck with NL#2 when you find her. Don't let your ex try to reel you in again.

[Ocdude]

The information is very vague. a "friend", it could be a girlfriend? someone of a non romantic nature. I don't think you messed up. Did she want to explain herself with the "out with friend" situation aggressively, or was it "oh well, if you don't want to know its fine by me" attitude. obviously you broke down your wall a little, but now its sealed up again tight. I guess what I am saying is that you have to do it for the right and real reason, Find out if she is dating, if she is then you wall will never be taken down again.

[BluesPower]

No by his description and his daughters reaction, she was on a date.

 

I was hoping that this would turn out. She if she was really remorseful about her affair and truly loved her husband she would not be dating anyone.

 

I am sorry OP.

[Giacomo67]

Ocdude, BluesPower is right. She was on a date.

It's a normal thing, but why hide it from me? I was honest and upfront about my (now ex) girlfriend, and she always told me that she had no intentions of dating. I guess she had her plan b or c in mind.... who knows. but i agree what wilywill writes that it's only more deception.... although it's really none of my busness.

She wrote an email explaning that if she knew ahead of time she would of cancelled the date, even if thats not what she called it. I just responded that i needed to see the kids and that it wasnt a problem for me if she wasnt home.

 

But now I can have my fun with a smile on my face. Now i know that she wont even bother to write me things to keep trying to win me back, and if she is stupid enough to do so i will have the right answers once and for good.

 

Last night i went out with friends, and there was this pub that had organized a last carneval night (tuesday was the last party, but wendsday was extended) and i was seduced by 2 young ladys..... that really busted my ego!

 

keep moving on!

[DDTA]

Giacomo67, you shouldn't feel bad or embarrassed for at least entertaining the thought of another "get together" to at least see where it may go. They way I look at it is that she finally got you to reconsider, if just for the moment, then the she blew her chance. It was spent going on a date.

 

Oh, well.

 

But then again maybe it wouldn't come to this if ALL OF THIS TIME she should have been doing other things instead of trying to do all the wrongs things to win you back.

 

How would you feel toward her if instead of fighting against you for the divorce she had simply told you "I do not want the divorce, but I understand why you feel this is necessary and a part of your healing so I will respect you wishes and not stand in your way. Let us at least be civil as possible in the divorce process and remain civil co-parents afterward for the best interest in our children."?

 

How would you feel afterward that ON HER OWN she sought counseling to understand how she could have been easily led to stray?

 

How would you feel if you learned that she really worked on improving herself, for exmaple went to college or vocational training to improve her ability to earn and contribute to her own life and to your kids' lives?

 

How would you feel if you learned that she volunteered herself for charity work to fill her time while the kids were with you instead of seeking entertainment to pass the time away.

 

What would you have been thinking if instead of her using her brothers as opportunities to reunite with her, the brother visited you because you are good friends with them and in conversation they tell you how your ex wife has been doing and all the things she has been involved with to improve her life and how she become such a different and improved sister to them.

 

What would have it been like if instead of her hoping in the background that things between you and your girlfriend would fail so that she would have the opportunity to win you back, she genuinely tells you instead "Giacomo67, I am very happy you have found someone new. She is very lucky to find a man such as you. I hope your new beginning turns out well. You very much deserve a happy future."

 

How about if she had demonstrated to become more independent, stronger, took care of herself better without relying on others, showed progress in here maturity and became a new woman as a result. So much so that she has made a distinction between this new woman and that of the past woman you were once married to.

 

And on top of all that, while she worked to be a better person, she dated no one else. Oh, she may have had suitors that tried but she declined them because being with anyone else wasn't her top priority. Instead, the only relationship she wanted to have and improve on first was with her own self.

 

I'm curious if had she done any of that and more would it have made you reconsider a possible new relationship with her at all, if not sooner.

 

 

Remember, it is HER missed opportunity. Not yours.

[aliveagain]

Somethings just can't be fixed. Once another man has contaminated your matrimonial sacrament it's hard to re establish the holy communion between the two of you because the infection that destroyed it was brought on by the one who pledged herself to you. Her actions to date don't match her promises, they are just words she speaks.