BluesPower Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Yes Giacomo67, but those feelings are hard... If it makes you feel any better, I finally realized that my wife of 26 years, 2 affairs that I know of, 20 hidden drug addiction, actually never really loved me. That one really hurt. It was just so easy to divorce her after that realization. But I have to admit, life on the outside is just great. Only problem is so many of my GF's either fall too much in love and or want to get married. They all want to get married. Never again... I do have to admit that my soft side was kind of pulling for a reconciliation for your two. I don't know why, I guess I could just feel your love for her when you had to divorce her. I guess I am turning into a sap in my older years... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 (edited) The information is very vague. a "friend", it could be a girlfriend? someone of a non romantic nature. I don't think you messed up. Did she want to explain herself with the "out with friend" situation aggressively, or was it "oh well, if you don't want to know its fine by me" attitude. obviously you broke down your wall a little, but now its sealed up again tight. I guess what I am saying is that you have to do it for the right and real reason, Find out if she is dating, if she is then you wall will never be taken down again. It's a matter of translation: GIacomo is italian and lives in Italy. In english most nouns are the same for male and female, in italian they have a male and female version. A female friend is an "amica" a male friend is an "amico", so you would immediately know if we're talking about a man or a woman. In the plural there's no specification of genre, so if I use the plural, "amici" no one would know if we're talking about males, females or mixed genders. That is why Giacomo asked his daughter to specify if she had gone out with several or one friend. The reply identified the gender. Edited March 2, 2017 by italianjob 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Glad that you had a good time at the party. You are still on the right path. Keep watching their actions, not the words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Giacomo67 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 How would you feel toward her if instead of fighting against you for the divorce she had simply told you "I do not want the divorce, but I understand why you feel this is necessary and a part of your healing so I will respect you wishes and not stand in your way. Let us at least be civil as possible in the divorce process and remain civil co-parents afterward for the best interest in our children."? How would you feel afterward that ON HER OWN she sought counseling to understand how she could have been easily led to stray? How would you feel if you learned that she really worked on improving herself, for exmaple went to college or vocational training to improve her ability to earn and contribute to her own life and to your kids' lives? How would you feel if you learned that she volunteered herself for charity work to fill her time while the kids were with you instead of seeking entertainment to pass the time away. What would you have been thinking if instead of her using her brothers as opportunities to reunite with her, the brother visited you because you are good friends with them and in conversation they tell you how your ex wife has been doing and all the things she has been involved with to improve her life and how she become such a different and improved sister to them. What would have it been like if instead of her hoping in the background that things between you and your girlfriend would fail so that she would have the opportunity to win you back, she genuinely tells you instead "Giacomo67, I am very happy you have found someone new. She is very lucky to find a man such as you. I hope your new beginning turns out well. You very much deserve a happy future." How about if she had demonstrated to become more independent, stronger, took care of herself better without relying on others, showed progress in here maturity and became a new woman as a result. So much so that she has made a distinction between this new woman and that of the past woman you were once married to. And on top of all that, while she worked to be a better person, she dated no one else. Oh, she may have had suitors that tried but she declined them because being with anyone else wasn't her top priority. Instead, the only relationship she wanted to have and improve on first was with her own self. I'm curious if had she done any of that and more would it have made you reconsider a possible new relationship with her at all, if not sooner. Remember, it is HER missed opportunity. Not yours. If she had done all that one thing is sure.... i would have been less heart hardend. Maybe in the long run we might have become partners, but certainly not as husben and wife again- no marriege Link to post Share on other sites
Author Giacomo67 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 Glad that you had a good time at the party. You are still on the right path. Keep watching their actions, not the words. I think i dont care to watch her actions anymore...... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DDTA Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 If she had done all that one thing is sure.... i would have been less heart hardend. Maybe in the long run we might have become partners, but certainly not as husben and wife again- no marriege And even that would have been more than she deserves, and that is ok. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Somethings just can't be fixed. Once another man has contaminated your matrimonial sacrament it's hard to re establish the holy communion between the two of you because the infection that destroyed it was brought on by the one who pledged herself to you. Her actions to date don't match her promises, they are just words she speaks. wtf?! The mixed metaphors would be tolerable if the advice were more helpful. If this is you, G, then fine. But the fact that you're writing about this awkward limbo you're in right now means you are NOT in black-and-white mode of thinking which would mean you didn't learn a thing or grow in any way after the ordeal of betrayal. An affair is sex, attraction, lying, betrayal, and all the rest. It will always be a painful memory. You certainly cannot look at a relationship after that in terms of sacraments and communion. If that's what you must have and you will always see her as a carrier of the plague, then aa is right. Forget it, move on and quit leading her on. But if your eyes are open and you know who you are and want to be in a relationship, and if she's the one who you still believe makes that most worthwhile, then talk about it like adults AND with your children, get a qualified professional to counsel you as a couple and - GOING VERY SLOWLY - try it on all new terms. So, of course, she's been dating! So the hell what? At best, you have a confusing no-man's-land between you in terms of what to do next, but I can't imagine that OP expects her to burn candles to his picture in celibacy for life. If I'd divorced, I'd have expected my husband to date though I wouldn't have gotten back together with him if he had. It would be too much, but I certainly wouldn't think less of him for doing it. It's up to you, G, what you can live with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 That was an impressive conversation between guys on p. 8 (including the mixed metaphors)—respectful, illuminating and encouraging. A supportive, thoughtful, tactful exchange, well timed and well received. Doesn't always happen. G, I think you know what you need (and can live with) and were just looking for confirmation. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I meant top of p 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Giacomo67 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 merrmeade..... I for sure know that now more then ever i will be moving on and convinced about everything, but your 3 posts did make me a bit confused... ahahahah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Giacomo67 "sempre avanti" some things just need to stay in the past. I will give the world to the woman in my life, I only give one chance. Stay strong, everyone has an opinion, this is about you and your happiness so do the things that make you happy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KatieLaw Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Yes Giacomo67, but those feelings are hard... If it makes you feel any better, I finally realized that my wife of 26 years, 2 affairs that I know of, 20 hidden drug addiction, actually never really loved me. That one really hurt. It was just so easy to divorce her after that realization. But I have to admit, life on the outside is just great. Only problem is so many of my GF's either fall too much in love and or want to get married. They all want to get married. Yes, we do want to get married. What in the Sam Hill is wrong with that, could I please ask you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Katie, I am older (52), I think, than you. Why don't I want to ever get married again? Well, for most of my marriage, 20 years if not more, I was literally the super husband. My wife was "Sick" (turns out to be drug addict), raised 3 wonderful kids almost completely by myself, was the sole breadwinner the entire marriage, loved my wife to the end of the earth, and frankly not bad in the sack either. When I finally had a small stroke from all of the stress and strain of doing everything, my view of the world changed. Shortly after that I finally figured out what was really wrong with my wife. Quite a shock I might add, and made me feel like a fool. So I had given 26 years of my life to one woman and loved her like no other, still do, but I will never do that again. I have raised all three of my children to be successful happy people. Frankly, I really enjoy the sexual variety and general variety of women as a whole. So that is my reason. Also, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married again. Tons of people do that and are really happy, it is just not my bag anymore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Yes, we do want to get married. What in the Sam Hill is wrong with that, could I please ask you? If a man has no desire to raise children than, in my mind, getting married is a stupid thing to do. Why a legal contract that can only come back to bite you if/when one of you decides to move on? It simply doesn't make any sense. A marriage is the cornerstone of a family, and children are the cornerstone of a family. It follows that no intent to have/raise children than no reason to marry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatieLaw Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Thanks, guys, for your responses. Maybe that's how we, meaning men and women, are truly different. I like the confines of marriage. I feel free to be somewhat wild in a safe environment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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