My status update

[Iaminnocentgul]

I met this married man (older to me by 17 years) at work. It was nearly 2.6 years before. He had told me that he is happily married and we both flirted with each other initially. It started with a fling and we developed love for each other. It reached to a stage where he even gave me a ring saying that he will be loyal to me. During these 2.8 years he went on holidays and dates with his wife. He never told me. I discovered it eventually. I use to get hurt. Many fall-outs happened. I dated other guys as well during this period because I knew somewhere he will never be mine (though he use to say he wants me forever and please be mine and all that). But after every fall-out he use to come back or sometimes I use to go back. I was also not getting the right guy to move on. I pursued many activities but that also didn't help. Recently I decided to dump him and requested him to be a friend. He was again going on holidays with this family and on asking casually he never told where he is going. It hurt me a lot. He called me from his holidays to say that he loves me and when I asked him about his destination; he never answered and hang up on my face - saying that I have dumped him and that he don't want argument. I have just now discovered that he is celebrating his 25 anniversary and I even know where he is. He has stopped calling or messaging from his holidays. I also discovered that he gave the exact same gifts to his wife what he gave me. I am mad and hurt and cannot stop my tears. I don't know how to come out of this situation.

I know he is using me but I don't want to be used. He tells me he loves me and cares for me. I believe that I give in and then he says he cannot be mine. He says his wife is old and wrinkly and comes to mebut when he is with me he never commits. I have dumped him and hopefully I will continue this time. But it is hurtful when I discover all this happenings of his life. And I am hurt that he can't even tell me where he is. Also I get hurt when he ignores in office. What state is this? How to come out of this? I want to move on desperately. I just don't want to cry and want to be loved.

[TaraMaiden2]

Move on?

Yes, definitely.

 

Please read the No Contact Guide (see link in my signature, 'NC Guide') and stick to it.

 

There is a paragraph near the bottom which discusses how to behave when you have no choice but to see or interact with your ex.

 

he's using and manipulating you.

 

The best thing you can do is use the Guide, fully, and properly - and seek other employment, immediately.

[loveisanaction]

First of all he told you that he was happily married, so when he goes on vacation with his wife, how come that upsets you?

 

The minute he told you that he was happily married that is when you should have known that he was only looking for extramarital sex. He never lied or deceived you, never future faked you that he was going to leave his wife for you, actually he even told you that he could never be yours.

 

You decided to embark on an affair with him regardless. So why are you upset?

[2016forme]

I met this married man (older to me by 17 years) at work. It was nearly 2.6 years before. He had told me that he is happily married and we both flirted with each other initially. It started with a fling and we developed love for each other. It reached to a stage where he even gave me a ring saying that he will be loyal to me. During these 2.8 years he went on holidays and dates with his wife. He never told me. I discovered it eventually. I use to get hurt. Many fall-outs happened. I dated other guys as well during this period because I knew somewhere he will never be mine (though he use to say he wants me forever and please be mine and all that). But after every fall-out he use to come back or sometimes I use to go back. I was also not getting the right guy to move on. I pursued many activities but that also didn't help. Recently I decided to dump him and requested him to be a friend. He was again going on holidays with this family and on asking casually he never told where he is going. It hurt me a lot. He called me from his holidays to say that he loves me and when I asked him about his destination; he never answered and hang up on my face - saying that I have dumped him and that he don't want argument. I have just now discovered that he is celebrating his 25 anniversary and I even know where he is. He has stopped calling or messaging from his holidays. I also discovered that he gave the exact same gifts to his wife what he gave me. I am mad and hurt and cannot stop my tears. I don't know how to come out of this situation.

I know he is using me but I don't want to be used. He tells me he loves me and cares for me. I believe that I give in and then he says he cannot be mine. He says his wife is old and wrinkly and comes to mebut when he is with me he never commits. I have dumped him and hopefully I will continue this time. But it is hurtful when I discover all this happenings of his life. And I am hurt that he can't even tell me where he is. Also I get hurt when he ignores in office. What state is this? How to come out of this? I want to move on desperately. I just don't want to cry and want to be loved.

 

 

There writing is clearly on the wall!

 

Your MAN is a married man! That should have been enough for you to back away from the picture!

 

There is no need for you to act like a child, and throw a temper tantrum because the ole MM is enjoying his married life, going on vacation and doing what most married folk do!

 

You having a temper tantrum and acting like a two-year-old is not going to make him change his mind and include you in his plans!

 

This MM is sucker playing you and keeping you baited in by saying that he loves you and that he wants you forever!

 

I know that you already know by now this MM is not leaving his family to be with you! You are nothing more to him but just a side show for entertainment!

 

Why? You may ask? It's only cause you are degrading yourself and placing yourself in a very uncomfortable position!

 

As long as you keep letting your MM get to the best of you, he will keep playing you and psyching your mind until he will turn you inside out!

 

It's only cause you are allowing this to happen to you!

 

You can put your foot down, say no and go on and date guys that fit your criteria!

 

Ditch the MM and leave him where you found him!

[ShatteredLady]

We ALL get "old & wrinkly" in the end! I bet he's no younger or less wrinkly than her BECAUSE they've spent a life together! They're a FAMILY!!

 

Why on earth are you wasting your years on this man? This isn't love. NEVER accept a ring from a man who's WIFE is still wearing the REAL rings.

 

Please read around these forums. See the agony that you are inflicting on yourself & far, far worse, the utter devastation that's waiting for his innocent wife.

 

....Oh it's all her fault that she's let herself get old & wrinkly. She's dedicated her LIFE to this sorry excuse for a man! Is that the excuse that you cling to? "He's a good man really. He deserves a young body to play with!".

[sandylee1]

So as his wife is old and wrinkly ..... I assume he's young and has nice smooth wrinkle free skin.

 

People age as they get older. .... this man is a cheating fool who likes having a wife and a mistress. If being a mistress doesn't suit you... then don't even be friends with him.

[Iaminnocentgul]

Thanks to all those who replied. I am really trying my best to run away. I am just not getting the success and courage. Dating wrong men makes things worse.

 

It is so difficult to stay with him when he is not mine. And it is so hard to see him having a normal life on other side. (By the way recently I discovered that he shared the same gifts with his wife what he gave to me) It is just so painful. Cry. I am really trying guys; to free myself from him. Really!

[Bufo]

Help me understand your comment about dating the wrong men only makes things worse. Do you mean worse than pining away for a much older marked man who either lies to you or won't answer your questions?

 

You know you are clearly number 2 in his list of priorities. Is that where you want to remain? You will remain there with him. Until you really wake up and look at what you have with him.

 

I'm not hitting you with the proverbial 2 x 4, but am asking you if this relationship is one you really want. Because it's not going to change.

[Iaminnocentgul]

I know Bufo I am no. 2 on the list. Infact I am not sure also whether I am on his list also or not. I know he is using me a big time. But god knows what's wrong with me. I just cannot let him go. I want to but can't. I don't want to be anyone's OW. Really! I never thought about such a hopeless life.

I ended up saying friends but when he called from his holidays to say I love you and all; I started nagging like a girlfriend. It ended up in argument and he said he don't want that. Whereas I want to say that - I don't need him. Why he called on first place. I am so full of mixed emotions. I didn't wanted to pick his phone but he called from different number. I tried to play cool but when I asked where is he holidaying - he said white lie. It developed anger and I argued.

I really want to deal with the situation like a mature woman. I am fed up of this life. I know where he is and which hotel he is staying with his family. I want to call him and shout at him and slap him and vent out. But I don't want to. I want to move on but I cannot. What stage is this? I am so lost and confused and worried for my ownself.

[2016forme]

I know Bufo I am no. 2 on the list. Infact I am not sure also whether I am on his list also or not. I know he is using me a big time. But god knows what's wrong with me. I just cannot let him go. I want to but can't. I don't want to be anyone's OW. Really! I never thought about such a hopeless life.

I ended up saying friends but when he called from his holidays to say I love you and all; I started nagging like a girlfriend. It ended up in argument and he said he don't want that. Whereas I want to say that - I don't need him. Why he called on first place. I am so full of mixed emotions. I didn't wanted to pick his phone but he called from different number. I tried to play cool but when I asked where is he holidaying - he said white lie. It developed anger and I argued.

I really want to deal with the situation like a mature woman. I am fed up of this life. I know where he is and which hotel he is staying with his family. I want to call him and shout at him and slap him and vent out. But I don't want to. I want to move on but I cannot. What stage is this? I am so lost and confused and worried for my ownself.

 

 

Now that I am reading your post, I understand more and more your desire and willingness to get away from the MM.

 

Just pause for a while, and think! And I mean this time, don't just think for a minute!

 

Start digging deep within yourself so that you can start to"grieve" over a bad situation.

 

Ask yourself how much more are you willing to withstand in order to keep being second on the MM'S list. As you just mentioned, you may not be on his list, period!

 

You deserve a very true and genuine friend! MM just won't do!

 

You deserve a friendship that blossoms into a romance that you truly yearn for!

 

As of right now, say to yourself " no more tears! No more games! I deserve better because I am worthy of being loved!

 

Right now, my emotions are in tears as I write this message to you.

 

I don't know and I cannot speak for anyone else here on this site!

 

I love to hear success stories of how women used to fool around with married men.

 

And guess what? They woke up one day and they realized that the charades were over!

 

No more being Ms. Nice girl! !

 

You deserve love!

 

Set small goals for yourself! And stick to those goals!

 

Stand up for what you believe in! Don't take any more nonsense from MM.

 

That's the spirit!

 

I hope you find this message encouraging and uplifting!

[Iaminnocentgul]

Why I let him use me? Am I the world's biggest emotional fool? Why I let him touch my body and soul? Why I was unable to judge his booty call and thought it as love?

I feel so worst and guilty that I let him touch me. I feel bad that I wasted my 3 years on him. I even wasted my money on him. I feel a loser totally. I cannot forgive my ownself. How can such people use others? Don't they have a heart. What if someone will do exactly the same to their daughters?

I am continuously blaming myself to let him use me in every way. After PROPER use in 3 years he is out there maybe trying for another prey and enjoying his family as well. I feel like I should slap him hard. I feel like I should slap myself hard.

[bathtub-row]

He probably does deserve to be slapped but he's really not worth your time or energy. Just because you gave your heart and soul to someone and gave your all doesn't make you a fool. You loved someone, you gave it everything. He, on the other hand, deceived and tricked you, and will probably go off and do it to another person. Who's the loser and bad guy here?

 

Look, I know 3 yrs seems like a long time but lots of people have put up with this type of relationship much longer. Don't beat yourself up too much. Just learn from it and move on. And expect him to try to pop back into your life again. You need to decide how you're going to handle that.

[Iaminnocentgul]

You maybe right that he will pop back. He is out on holidays with his wife and he occasionally messages from there. I have dumped him before that. Still he messages saying that he loves me and cares for me. I know he is enjoying there with his wife (from his wife's FB updates) but he is still clinging on to me saying these emotional lines.

I want all the victims of group to wish me for the strength which I will need to shoo him off when he comes back. I don't want to waste a single day now with him. I may cry for days because of loneliness but I don't want to be a mistress anymore. Really! Every now and then I feel bad for myself, feel I miss him, feel lonely, feel miserable - but I don't want to feel OW anymore.

We work in same office. I really need to gather strength to ignore him as well as need strength to handle his cold shoulder/emotional drags/fooling me around.

WISH ME LUCK guys and girls! This forum is helping me to talk to you all whenever I feel down. Reading your replies makes more more strong and I feel I have people with me who will make me come out stronger than i thought. Thanks to all those who replied all posts from me and in future who will reply.

[loveisanaction]

Why would you slap him? He has done you no wrong. He did not force you to have an affair with him for 3 years; you did that on your own.

 

He told you that he is happily married and that he could never be yours but you still decided to have an affair with him anyway.

 

Many other women fall for the married men who lie and deceive them, telling them words like how they would leave their wives for them and such.

 

Not your married man, he was very honest with you, told you straight up that he loves his wife and that he is happily married but you still chose to have an affair with him. He did not use you, you gave yourself to him.

 

So why are you upset with him?

[Iaminnocentgul]

You know only one part dear. I agree we started as affair, but after a year when I thought things might get serious I decided to break up. And I had started dating. But he came back saying that he is not happy that I am dating other guys and that he is not happy in his family. He told all bad about his wife and family and told me that he will marry me one day. He use to call me his fiance even in front of my friends.

But as time went by after 1 year he started hiding things from me and started lying to me that now he cannot commit. I agreed but again he came back saying he wants me forever. He doesn't want me to date other men and he doesn't want to commit even. That is what my issue is with him. If he has decided not to commit to me why is coming back. Can you answer my question - when i started as affair it was all ok, but when I sensed that this might get serious and I wanted to end after 6 months only he stopped me from going away from him and even stopped me from dating. Why? He is manipulating me I know that but I love him so much that he comes back and I just bog down. That's what my issue is. When I wanted to end when it was not even serious he tried to win over me and now when I am all lost he left me.

[Josmatjes]

You know only one part dear. I agree we started as affair, but after a year when I thought things might get serious I decided to break up. And I had started dating. But he came back saying that he is not happy that I am dating other guys and that he is not happy in his family. He told all bad about his wife and family and told me that he will marry me one day. He use to call me his fiance even in front of my friends.

But as time went by after 1 year he started hiding things from me and started lying to me that now he cannot commit. I agreed but again he came back saying he wants me forever. He doesn't want me to date other men and he doesn't want to commit even. That is what my issue is with him. If he has decided not to commit to me why is coming back. Can you answer my question - when i started as affair it was all ok, but when I sensed that this might get serious and I wanted to end after 6 months only he stopped me from going away from him and even stopped me from dating. Why? He is manipulating me I know that but I love him so much that he comes back and I just bog down. That's what my issue is. When I wanted to end when it was not even serious he tried to win over me and now when I am all lost he left me.

 

There really isn't an answer. Most of them do this same thing. They just string you along because they can't decide what they want to do. If they said for you to go on with your own life and he will figure things out, well then you may meet someone and he can't have that, now can he? The thing is, is that they ALL do this. The key is for you to not allow it. Yes it's super hard but what he is doing is not love, it's possession. Believe me I know.

[sandylee1]

Innocent girl

 

You had an affair and then believed his lies. Even if you thought the lies were true.. he initially said he was happily married. So does a good happily married man have an affair? No he doesn't. That was your first clue.. that he was chasing you while married. The honest truth is a good man wouldn't do that.

 

I can see you're angry with yourself as well... for falling for his lies..... you can only put it down to experience and move on.... but I'm not sure you're strong enough to push him away... so maybe you haven't reached your breaking point yet. When you have.. you'll never go back to being his mistress.

 

You said would he like this done to his daughter ... but would you like another woman to have an affair with your sister's husband.. your friend's husband?

 

You are BOTH wrong here... neither of you is more wrong than the other.

 

When you think of him ... imagine he is a tiny ant..of no significance to you. .. that you could step on if you wanted to.

[Bufo]

Us happily married men have affairs. So do unhappily married men. But happily married men have affairs for one main reason. They need the adoration and physical affection of multiple women. You know. The predator mentality.

(Those comment were a response to SandyLee)

 

Innocentful. Your goal simply stated is to get out of infidelity. It's not to learn the why of him or to punish him. Keep your eye on that goal and not on ancillary issues. To get out of infidelity you must consider no contact which in your situation may mean changing jobs. The less you see of him the less you'll think of him. And sooner or later he becomes a memory rather than a force in your life. The A becomes a hard lesson learned rather than a driving force in your life.

 

Be very careful now. Rule number one for cheating me is that it is easier to keep an A going and to control AP than it is to locate, groom and entice a new AP.

[elaine567]

Rule number one for cheating me is that it is easier to keep an A going and to control AP than it is to locate, groom and entice a new AP.

 

Very good point and why they keep coming back long after it is finished too. They struck oil once there, so they can again.

[13Hearts]

You know only one part dear. I agree we started as affair, but after a year when I thought things might get serious I decided to break up. And I had started dating. But he came back saying that he is not happy that I am dating other guys and that he is not happy in his family. He told all bad about his wife and family and told me that he will marry me one day. He use to call me his fiance even in front of my friends.

But as time went by after 1 year he started hiding things from me and started lying to me that now he cannot commit. I agreed but again he came back saying he wants me forever. He doesn't want me to date other men and he doesn't want to commit even. That is what my issue is with him. If he has decided not to commit to me why is coming back. Can you answer my question - when i started as affair it was all ok, but when I sensed that this might get serious and I wanted to end after 6 months only he stopped me from going away from him and even stopped me from dating. Why? He is manipulating me I know that but I love him so much that he comes back and I just bog down. That's what my issue is. When I wanted to end when it was not even serious he tried to win over me and now when I am all lost he left me.

 

He wouldn't let you go and said whatever he could to get you to continue with him because he was jealous and wanted to continue to have sex with you. Yes, it's as simple as that. You need to forget everything he said to you, all of his proclamations of love and a future together because he did not mean those things, and/or he cannot deliver those things.

 

You have two choices: Cut your losses and move on or continue to be someone else's side-piece.

[Iaminnocentgul]

Be very careful now. Rule number one for cheating me is that it is easier to keep an A going and to control AP than it is to locate, groom and entice a new AP.

 

BUFO - I really liked this statement of yours. You will not believe me but merely reading this line is giving me strength to say no to him.

[Bufo]

Thank you. Only I meant to type cheating MEN rather than cheating ME. DRn smartphone keyboard isn't as responsive as I think it is. Q

[bewell]

Very good point and why they keep coming back long after it is finished too. They struck oil once there, so they can again.

 

I can only hope this will not apply to me and my xMM.

[bewell]

Why I let him use me? Am I the world's biggest emotional fool? Why I let him touch my body and soul? Why I was unable to judge his booty call and thought it as love?

I feel so worst and guilty that I let him touch me. I feel bad that I wasted my 3 years on him. I even wasted my money on him. I feel a loser totally. I cannot forgive my ownself. How can such people use others? Don't they have a heart. What if someone will do exactly the same to their daughters?

I am continuously blaming myself to let him use me in every way. After PROPER use in 3 years he is out there maybe trying for another prey and enjoying his family as well. I feel like I should slap him hard. I feel like I should slap myself hard.

 

What do you hope to get out of this? Are you willing to let go, forget him and move on OR continue the A with lots of pain and headache?

[Iaminnocentgul]

What do you hope to get out of this? Are you willing to let go, forget him and move on OR continue the A with lots of pain and headache?

 

The answer is -

 

I have already dumped him, I will follow NC, I will forget him and I will move on! I am feeling positive today that I can do this.