My status update

[thelilith]

If you enjoy spending time and talking with this man for reasons other than romance/sex, there is a chance to give this friendship a try, but you have to be determined.

 

Ignore him when he attempts flirting. Force yourself to start seeing someone else, be open about it to him (MM) and if he thinks he has any say in it, tell him otherwise. Be firm.

 

If you really feel a connection with this guy and want to keep him in your life, even though you may not be together, give it a try. It´s better than not knowing what could be.

[Chica80]

If you enjoy spending time and talking with this man for reasons other than romance/sex, there is a chance to give this friendship a try, but you have to be determined.

 

Ignore him when he attempts flirting. Force yourself to start seeing someone else, be open about it to him (MM) and if he thinks he has any say in it, tell him otherwise. Be firm.

 

If you really feel a connection with this guy and want to keep him in your life, even though you may not be together, give it a try. It´s better than not knowing what could be.

 

It's impossible to be friends....trust me I know what that is like all it leads to is more heartbreak. How long was your A?

[sandylee1]

So many OWs think they can be friends with EXMM. It really doesn't work out. You'll end up back in the affair in no time.

 

You say only friends. That's not the case. Does his wife know that you're his friend. If you're a secret friend ... then you're really not just a friend.

 

For you and all the OW who seek to maintain a friendship with the MM ......would you like your husband (if you have one), maintaining a so called friendship with his former mistress?

 

Your expectations of daily contact are not what most friends do. You want the contact of someone who's in a relationship with you. Do you contact all your other friends everyday? Because I know I don't.

 

Just do the right thing and cut all contact. It will help you heal quicker and get over it. You're going to be the one getting hurt and stopping yourself from finding a decent man. Life's too short to waste your time with unavailable men, when you want more than being the invisible woman.

[Iaminnocentgul]

It's impossible to be friends....trust me I know what that is like all it leads to is more heartbreak. How long was your A?

 

It was for 3 years...

[wmacbride]

Why are you giving him all the power here? You are an adult, capable of controlling your actions.

 

Also, you are NOT his friend,that ship has sailed,and since you indicate that he's already trying to turn the "friendship" back into an A-and so are you, even if you won;t admit it to yourself.

 

Think of it this way.Most people have friends, and they can easily go without contacting them every day. Sure, they might miss talking to them, but it doesn't make them angry if they don't hear from them every day. If their friend goes on vacation, they don't feel a need to be in constant contact with them.

 

It really sounds like you have very, very blurry ideas of what boundaries are, and are placing all of the responsibility for your actions on to him. What you have with him now is not "friendship" on either his side or yours. It's more like "affair-the light version" , and you will continue to be hurt so long as you allow yourself to be.

 

You can cut him out of your life if you really want to. You can make him stop hurting you if you really want to.

[Chica80]

It was for 3 years...

 

Ya...this will be impossible.....be honest with yourself. You don't want friendship you want the intimacy of a relationship without feeling like you are being used for sex. The sooner you admit that the sooner you can start moving forward

[cloche]

...it´s better than not knowing what could be.

 

Is it? Perhaps,...

 

But after 3 years of playing this game - or in my case, 5 - you have to balance this against another - and for me, equally unsettling - form of uncertainty:

 

"What could my life have been like these last few years if I had walked away from this exhausting nonsense, begun the process of healing, and really committed to moving on?"

 

You will never get those years back.

 

cloche

[DKT3]

Ya...this will be impossible.....be honest with yourself. You don't want friendship you want the intimacy of a relationship without feeling like you are being used for sex. The sooner you admit that the sooner you can start moving forward

 

This is an excellent point....but if we are being honest, women have a hard time letting go of any kind of relationship, be it with a female friend or a boyfriend in a normal situation. So this is no different in that light.

 

You are not friends, friends (true friends) can ask one another relationship advice, complain or brag about other relationships....how would you feel if he came to you on how to do something nice for his wife....we all know the answer...so you can't be friends, stop holding on, all your doing is pain shopping and preventing yourself from finding something with an available man.

[Ahurtgirl]

Basically what it comes down to is he is manipulating you. He is using the "I'll be your friend if you give me sex" and even though you may not see it, some men are very good at creating this intense friendship to get what they want. They know your weakness and use it to their advantage.

[Grapesofwrath]

I notice a couple times that you say you "aren't doing anything." I think you need to think about that a little more. You are doing something. You are trying to make a physical affair into an emotional affair. It's still an affair.

 

I agree with others that "friendship" with your xMM is essentially impossible. Even if you are able to work through your feelings and get to a place where he is emotionally neutral, you are still a dirty little secret. Does his wife know that he is texting you? Does she know that he is offering to help you with kisses, should you need them? Does she know that you are "friends?"

 

When I am friends with a man, I am welcome in his home. I know his wife. I know his family. I can call or text whenever I need to with no trouble. I can be seen with him in public, anywhere and anytime. Is that what he is offering you? And if he were, what does that say about what kind of husband he is?

[aileD]

Unless his wife is inviting you over for dinner and has your number and talks to you as well----YOU ARENT FRIENDS.

[jenkins95]

 

"What could my life have been like these last few years if I had walked away from this exhausting nonsense, begun the process of healing, and really committed to moving on?"

 

You will never get those years back.

 

 

Clochette

 

Fantastic way of turning 'what could have been' thinking on its head. Brilliant. It's made me think too. Reconciliation is hard work and my marriage was actually in a pretty good place before my A (yes, this makes me doubly stupid ). I'm now left thinking what great place it could be in now if i hadn't had my 'little adventure'.

 

Great stuff.

[Iaminnocentgul]

Addition to my misery - xMM called tpday as supporting friend.

 

So he called in evening sounding very happy. He asked how I am - I said good. I asked how are you - he mentioned he is bit sick. He asked me am I going to dancing (I go on tuesdays) - I said no. He said you should go to be healthy, meet other people - I said no. He said why are you not going are you having some other work or not in mood - I said I dont know. He said when will you go to office - i said I dont know. He said are you eating food - I said I dont know. He said I will come tomorrow to your house if I am ok by health and fix the things for you. He said will I open the door for him - I said I dont know.

 

I am crying now all the more. I miss him so badly and I am so very much in love with him. But I will NEVER tell him this and NEVER call him. So so broke............................

[jenkins95]

Addition to my misery - xMM called tpday as supporting friend.

 

So he called in evening sounding very happy. He asked how I am - I said good. I asked how are you - he mentioned he is bit sick. He asked me am I going to dancing (I go on tuesdays) - I said no. He said you should go to be healthy, meet other people - I said no. He said why are you not going are you having some other work or not in mood - I said I dont know. He said when will you go to office - i said I dont know. He said are you eating food - I said I dont know. He said I will come tomorrow to your house if I am ok by health and fix the things for you. He said will I open the door for him - I said I dont know.

 

I am crying now all the more. I miss him so badly and I am so very much in love with him. But I will NEVER tell him this and NEVER call him. So so broke............................

 

((((iaminnocentgul))))

 

You've got me on the verge of tears with this.

 

Know that you are not alone - we are here.

 

Even though he's trying to help, it's having the opposite effect. It shouldn't need spelling out to him, but perhaps in this case it does. He needs to know that you are heartbroken and any contact hurts you deeply. He needs to respect you and leave you alone to recover. Yo don't need him as a 'supporting friend' - that's almost an insult, and anyway, I hope you've got lots of nice girlfriends for that?

 

I know that you feel alone, scared and broken.... But know that others know and understand your pain.

 

We are here for you.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Addition to my misery - xMM called tpday as supporting friend.

 

So he called in evening sounding very happy. He asked how I am - I said good. I asked how are you - he mentioned he is bit sick. He asked me am I going to dancing (I go on tuesdays) - I said no. He said you should go to be healthy, meet other people - I said no. He said why are you not going are you having some other work or not in mood - I said I dont know. He said when will you go to office - i said I dont know. He said are you eating food - I said I dont know. He said I will come tomorrow to your house if I am ok by health and fix the things for you. He said will I open the door for him - I said I dont know.

 

I am crying now all the more. I miss him so badly and I am so very much in love with him. But I will NEVER tell him this and NEVER call him. So so broke............................

 

I'm so sorry about the way you feel. (((Hugs)))

 

You can't be friends. You crossed that line long time ago. My xMM tried to play that. It doesn't work. Been there, done that. Lasted little less than 3 weeks. As long as even slightest sense of feelings towards him, there will always be hope that somehow you two can be together in a real relationship. Under those circumstances, friendship is impossible.

 

Some day, like 20 or so years in the future...maybe. But, not now.

 

One thing I realized since the end of the A is that I have to reach that point where I'm happy and content with myself, alone with myself. Until that time comes, there can't be a place for friendship with xMM, or most likely for a relationship with anyone else.

 

All the best to you!

[BTDT2012]

Unless his wife is inviting you over for dinner and has your number and talks to you as well----YOU ARENT FRIENDS.

And you can talk to him about your new man.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Addition to my misery - xMM called tpday as supporting friend.

 

So he called in evening sounding very happy. He asked how I am - I said good. I asked how are you - he mentioned he is bit sick. He asked me am I going to dancing (I go on tuesdays) - I said no. He said you should go to be healthy, meet other people - I said no. He said why are you not going are you having some other work or not in mood - I said I dont know. He said when will you go to office - i said I dont know. He said are you eating food - I said I dont know. He said I will come tomorrow to your house if I am ok by health and fix the things for you. He said will I open the door for him - I said I dont know.

 

I am crying now all the more. I miss him so badly and I am so very much in love with him. But I will NEVER tell him this and NEVER call him. So so broke............................

 

You will not heal if you keep letting him back in. I know it feels good to hear that he cares but hearing it hurts you worse then not hearing it. Trust me on this.

 

Let go- go dancing- leave your phone at home- let your hair down and enjoy yourself.

[Iaminnocentgul]

Thanks. Cry...

[Iaminnocentgul]

So just 10 mins ago xMM told he slept with his wife handful of times since affair like on their anniversaries or birthdays or festive times or holidays.

 

And since I just cannot control my tears. All he told was lie to me every second like Nothing happened on holidays or anytime. Shattered! Broke! Hurt! Tears! Well.... I knew he was playing fool but till date he never told me upfront. But today he accepted without even taking a breath..............

[Iaminnocentgul]

I am REALLY struggling with NC. For me it is all the more worst because we work in same office. My NC is not only from lovers but also from friendship.

AFter a breakup he wanted to be friends which I tried but there also I expected him to give me more time and we ended up having a big fight. He still wants friendship but I know I cannot curb my expectations, so I have called off even the friendship.

I am feeling so lonely and sad. I cry everytime. I have called my parents to stay with me for few days so that I don't feel depressed and lonely. It is helping me but not much. I get hurt when he ignores in office. I get hurt when he doesn't call like past. I get hurt when he doesn't message or mail.

I miss him.....

[Forever broken]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Am sorry things are that way for you but I assure you a day will come that you will be thankful things ended. I don't think is healthy to remain friends with him while there's so much emotions involved. Maybe is time to move on and leave him in the past.

 

 

It will not be easy but for your own sake, let him go. He's not worth all the pain, hurt and heartbreak. Pick yourself up. Slowly, but surely you will get there.

 

Try and ignore him at work. Be professional at all times. Don't let him get to you. Put on a brave face even if you are hurting inside.

 

Hugs.

Edited November 11, 2016 by Forever broken

[Iaminnocentgul]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Am sorry things are that way for you but I assure you a day will come that you will be thankful things ended. I don't think is healthy to remain friends with him while there's so much emotions involved. Maybe is time to move on and leave him in the past.

 

 

It will not be easy but for your own sake, let him go. He's not worth all the pain, hurt and heartbreak. Pick yourself up. Slowly, but surely you will get there.

 

Try and ignore him at work. Be professional at all times. Don't let him get to you. Put on a brave face even if you are hurting inside.

 

Hugs.

 

Married men who are in this forum. Do you really love your mistress? During your affair do you really cared for her or thought of having a life with her? If answers are No then do you have guilt feeling at all about destroying a woman's life and on other side you are happily having your family? Do you regret your decision of siding with your family and leaving the person who loved you the most? During NC do you feel to talk to her and have her in your life?

[Iaminnocentgul]

Married men who are in this forum; I have to ask few things... Do you really love your mistress? During your affair do you really cared for her or thought of having a life with her? If answers are No then do you have guilt feeling at all about destroying a woman's life and on other side you are happily having your family? Do you regret your decision of siding with your family and leaving the person who loved you the most? During NC do you feel to talk to her and have her in your life?

 

2 months in NC and... I am feeling so depressed at the thought that I will never see him again for WHOLE life. We will NEVER talk. We will NEVER see each other. We will NEVER call each other. We will NEVER touch each other. Everything is just gone............ GONE!!! The feelings will be buried deep in heart for rest of my life and will leave after I die. This will go till my grave...... I don't know how to tell that life will move on definitely but with a very big void which will only end after this life ends............

[Josmatjes]

Married men who are in this forum; I have to ask few things... Do you really love your mistress? During your affair do you really cared for her or thought of having a life with her? If answers are No then do you have guilt feeling at all about destroying a woman's life and on other side you are happily having your family? Do you regret your decision of siding with your family and leaving the person who loved you the most? During NC do you feel to talk to her and have her in your life?

 

2 months in NC and... I am feeling so depressed at the thought that I will never see him again for WHOLE life. We will NEVER talk. We will NEVER see each other. We will NEVER call each other. We will NEVER touch each other. Everything is just gone............ GONE!!! The feelings will be buried deep in heart for rest of my life and will leave after I die. This will go till my grave...... I don't know how to tell that life will move on definitely but with a very big void which will only end after this life ends............

 

 

I know it hurts. It's so awful. I've been there. But remember that he made his choice and I know you can't understand why it wasn't you, but most of these men never leave. They just don't. No matter how they feel for you. You deserve someone who chooses you!! Only you!!

 

He may regret it, he may move on, you will move on. Trust me you will. Just take it Ine day at a time and stay busy! Take your life back!

[ladydesigner]

I am so sorry I know the pain. Just know that YOU will be okay and YOU will recover from this. I can feel the pain from your post. Hang in there try to distract your mind of him and just keep practicing that!