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second chance terribly failing

kztar

By kztar,
in Second Chances

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kztar

kztar

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I decided to give my ex a second chance but things are going terrible.

 

I feel like I hate him more than i love him for everything he did to me.My heart was in pieces.

 

I want to love him again the way I did before. Is that ever possible?

 

How can I let go of all the old relationship and focus on what we are building now?

 

I cannot stop talking about the past and the girl he dated in between us. Don't know how to get "over it" although we weren't together.

 

Some advice would be appreciated.

 

Thank you.

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topher

topher

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"We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

 

Let go of the resentment or let go of her. It's not fair to her.

 

Good luck.

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vla1120

vla1120

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Have you considered therapy? While I am a proponent of second chances, especially in marriage, it's really very hard to overcome the pain and disappointment of the hurt you experienced, and the fear that it will happen again.

 

My second (and third) chance story occurred many years ago, after the first, then second time I found out my husband cheated on me and I gave him another chance. After 32 years, I did divorce him, so maybe I am not the best person to help you navigate this with advice because, clearly, I did not get over my anger and resentment.

 

While I did seek therapy, and went to many different marriage therapists during that 32-year marriage (and two therapists since), I have found that if the other party is not willing to be part of the counseling process, it's difficult for one person to carry the burden of trying to make the relationship work by themselves. That's my experience. Hopefully you can go together?

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Slimtripper

Slimtripper

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I decided to give my ex a second chance but things are going terrible.

 

I feel like I hate him more than i love him for everything he did to me.My heart was in pieces.

 

I want to love him again the way I did before. Is that ever possible?

 

How can I let go of all the old relationship and focus on what we are building now?

 

I cannot stop talking about the past and the girl he dated in between us. Don't know how to get "over it" although we weren't together.

 

Some advice would be appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

I dont know how long you guys were apart or what happened but that definitely makes a difference. If there was cheating involved i would need at least 12 months to decide if i wanted that person back n would need to be in a fresh headspace. Still wouldn't take them back though.

Anything else, you need to let the wounds heal before diving back in, or they just reappear

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BAcK

BAcK

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This is the main issue about second chances. I am not against second chances as such, but it's rather the after effects that are to be feared.

At first, it all seems so surreal. You get back the love of your life. The person you have been pinning for, for so long is back with you.

However, after some time you realize that all the issues that existed earlier crop up again. This is specific to bad break ups.

As time goes by, the relationship becomes bitter because you can never start all over again with the same person. There will always be issues from the 'past' and human being tend to vividly remember all the negative aspect rather than the positive ones.

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Been

Been

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I think if cheating was involved second chances won't work. That's not something that is ever forgotten. My ex wife I tried to forgive her and everything would be going great and then something would trigger and I would start to remember when she was unfaithful. Then I would get distant from her.

I just felt like I couldn't FULLY trust her no matter what she did.

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Kelley

Kelley

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My ex cheated and he wanted to get back together. I knew it wouldn't be the same, the trust was gone. I couldn't look at him knowing he had sex with someone else. It wasn't the same and I knew I needed a clean slate in life. That connection we shared, the closeness was shattered. Sometimes you just have to accept it's over no matter how hard you try, those feelings can't be forced.

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basil67

basil67

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Part of the reason you're struggling is because you're trying to see this as two different relationships. But it's not two relationships. You and he will only ever have one relationship and that relationship lasts from the very beginning to now. That relationship contains both good and bad and also involves him smashing your heart and ruining your trust in him.

 

The past will always effect the future. In your case, it's completely normal to be angry and hurt at him for what he did. You can't and shouldn't pretend that it didn't happen.

 

Now, let's look at today. You don't love him like you used to. For that matter, you actually hate him more than you love him. You obsess over his previous girlfriend. Quite simply, he broke the relationship and your trust in him too badly.

 

End it now for the sake of both of you.

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kztar

kztar

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Why did you decide to give it another chance? I read your previous thread and you seemed determined to stay away from him

 

Initially I wasn't going to give him another chance but I still felt that love for him therefore i decided to not live with a what IF. This is where it has led me

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