SUNSHINE143 Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 I am in need of some advice from divorced men. I have been dating a man for a year now, we live together and have blended our children/families well. The question is he is diffidently gun shy but I want more commitment. I want to marry this man. We are as in-love as they come, but he is scared of the whole forever thing I guess. So here it goes, what should I expect? Do I just wait forever? I understand his fear but I want what I want also. We don't want to get married tomorrow but I would like to know that he would. Guys how to I handle these conversations? I don't want to scare or rush him so what's the best approach? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by SUNSHINE143 I have been dating a man for a year now How long had he been divorced before you started dating him ? This is key It sounds to me that he needs the security of someone as in to emulate a marriage .. It makes him feel comfortable But commit again.....he may not look at you as the marrying type and you are just filling shoes of a previous life he had. Just my 2 cents Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 there is a right time for everything. now is too soon. if your'e still together and fairly happy at the 2 yr mark then get engaged if your're still together and engaged and happy at the 3 yr mark then get married! Link to post Share on other sites
soccorsilly Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 It depends on how/why his last marraige failed, how long, and a lot of other things. I have ben divorced for almost five years and to be honest I have no desire to get remarried at this point. I have had a couple of long term girlfriends (1 yr plus) so I don't run from committment, but get married again right now, no way. The past five years have been the best five years of my life and I think I owe a lot of that to my divorce. I am also very selfish in that I need to date women that are very much likeminded with me. I see no reason to compromise what I want initially. I can find someone who is in my scope and we can get along fine--I am talking politically, humor, intelligence, sexually, etc. But I did enough compromising in a marraige only to have it blow up in my face with three kids that I am not willing to risk that again. Let's agree on 90% of the stuff up front and we will compromise on the remaining 10%. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SUNSHINE143 Posted July 15, 2005 Author Share Posted July 15, 2005 Hey guys, thanks for the 2 cents. My angel and I have a wonderful relationship between us. We deal with a lot of outside drama, his family, his ex wife, things like that, but we are there for each other. The thought that I am just "filling shoes" has never crossed my mind. His past relationship had been bad for almost 5 years before they separated. I met him a year after they had been apart. The marriage failed mostly because of her infidelity and lies. I don't believe he is perfect by any means, but she really is something else. Her and I have had it out due to things she told the kids about me. We have a happy life-all 5 of us. I just want to know that all the bad things I have dealt with b/c of his past are not in vein. He did tell me last night that he feels different with me than anyone in the past. His view of love got twisted growing up with his parents divorce, but he says he is comfortable. He doesn't feel like he CAN'T say something to me. He says he's tried to lie (to keep from hurting me) and can't do it. I ask him all the time if I'm gaining weight, he has never been anything but honest. Never ever hurtful though. He is in-love, no doubt but he is also scared. What about what I want though? I don't want marriage right now, but I would like to think about it and talk about "one day" with him. Is that wanting too much? Link to post Share on other sites
stratman Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 Sunshine, You say he is definitely gun shy. Does this mean you have talked to him about it before? Being a guy, I can tell you one thing for sure: We do NOT pick up on signals very well. And if we happen to stumble across one generally we will misinterpret it and mess up anyway. If you want to know something from a man, you have to ask. Hints, signals - are virtually useless. So if you want an answer, and you are uncomfortable waiting until HE decides to let you know something, then ask him. But in a very casual manner. He can't feel like he's been put on the spot. You know, while eating supper, "Sweetheart, do you ever wonder what it would be like if we were married?" I'm sure a lot of guys might disagree with me, but I put my feelings out there. I told my girlfriend once, please don't try and read between the lines - I don't talk between the lines. If you want to know something, just ask. I'll tell you the truth even if it's not what you want to hear. Is that any help at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Despite conventional wisdom men do have feelings and when we get our heart stomped on it takes a while to trust again. I am divorced myself and the thought of marriage right now makes me gag. After my divorce nothing but good things have been happening for me. Just enjoy being with him and eventually he might come around. A great woman(or great man) can heal even the most bitter heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Darios Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 a man that does not want commitment is a man that belongs you partial, therefore he does not want you of the all, serious the best than him left and if he wants you he will seek you Link to post Share on other sites
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