An exercise in catharsis

[victoria5]

I just want to start with the fact that I wish I had found this website before I entered the real world with my first grown-up job. I went from being around carefree Millennial twenty year-old's to Gen X adults that were married/divorced with/without children. I have replied to other threads, so bear with me if some of what I write is repetitive.

 

At my first grown-up job, I was in a two-year committed relationship that became long-distance due to work. However, when I brought up the means to overcome our long-distance, he broke it off. I was a wreck and after a couple of weeks, I admitted to some of my coworkers/friends what was going on. There was a guy who repeatedly and unabashedly flirted with me, who did not wear a ring, and who I had zero interest in even as a friend after he shared his extremely conservative affinity for the late Supreme Court Judge Scalia.

 

He stopped working at my job, and he invited his ex-coworkers to meet for cocktails. My first response: I can't, because I had to go home and study. Then, he mentioned that a mutual friend would be there. So, I said five minutes. I got there, and I admit that I drank more than I should have, and I was in no shape to drive home. He invited me upstairs, and words cannot describe how naive I am to not realize what that looks like--and I should have recovered in the parking lot, alone, but it was my heaviest day so I thought, for sure nothing will nor can happen.

 

That's when he admitted that he was married. And I was like, oh my goodness, this is not good. I'll admit that his attention flattered me, especially in that moment of pure turmoil from my broken heart, but if you're married, then I need to exit. He fed me the usual lines and despite my protests, he kissed me. He was an amazing kisser. We did not do anything more, and I finally went home, and I was flooded with so many feelings of shame and disappointment with myself. I just took part in something insanely taboo by society. The Bible would have me stoned to death.

 

The next time we spoke, I adamantly declared that we would only be friends and what happened the other night should have never happened. He responded that he had asked his wife for a divorce. I said that's nice, we're still going to be just friends. He pursued me, and I thought to myself, there are people that date during the proceedings of a divorce because they're not necessarily instantaneous, what could go wrong? <shake head>

 

The following week, she had packed some of her things to stay at a friend's house for an indeterminate number of weeks. First red flag. He spoke with a lawyer, he told some of his friends, but he never told his mother. Second red flag. All of their assets, LLCs, retirement, trusts were super commingled. Uber red flag. He dragged his feet when it came to all of the necessary, important details of finding a new apartment, health insurance coverage, etc. He obviously did not think it through, and I became collateral damage, because of my naivete. He told her about me and his other marital indiscretion, and she must have looked at all her options, she knew that this is not the first time he's been unfaithful to her (something that I did not know), and she said she did not want a divorce. The thing is, he wanted children and she did not. But, no matter, I was not going to hang around for this situation, and after two months of "divorce proceedings"--I said no.

 

And that's when it started. The twists and lies to have his cake and eat it too. I was already hooked. Our arguments were always the same, and he wasn't around for ANY of the holidays, for ANY of my vacations nor I for his, for ANY momentous life occasion. NOT ONE. The following January, he admitted to me that he would not divorce his wife. I was crushed, but I said, okay. And I thought, we're not going to speak again.

 

I never initiated our correspondence from the very beginning. But I realized too late that I did not have to, because he would always reach out to me. This is something that I've never encountered. I'm like crack-cocaine to him apparently, an enlightening revelation from "Sleeping with Other People.". What I didn't know is that his declarations of love and his amorous attention did not indicate that the status quo would change, even after she moved out-of-state for her job. He had absolved himself of any wrong-doing by asserting that he would never get a divorce. How is it leading me on if he's already stated his guaranteed future? He's unhappy, and he would feel relieved if she found another person, but of his own volition, he'll never make it real with me. What a huge exercise in self-masochism.

 

I started No Contact on her birthday without any final words. Having the same conversation is utterly boring. I'm still in disbelief of how much this has blown up in my face. Not that you could really call our "friendship" beautiful, but I miss his wealth of knowledge and conversation so much. I miss being with him so much. And there are some people here that say, "oh, if you were truly with him, the real world wouldn't be so much fun," but him just sitting on the couch doing the most mundane things, after willfully ignoring the perpetual unrequited love part, I loved him as much as the day I told him I wanted to move in. (Yes, a married man who feels "trapped" is super gung-ho to get "trapped" again, because I'm such a catch). It doesn't really matter I guess, since I was never on the same playing field, but it's how I feel.

 

I don't need people with that high level of toxicity in my life. I gave him an online, rudimentary Dark Triad personality test, and he scored super high on all three aspects: narcissism, Machiavellism, and psychopathy. Most successful people exhibit these characteristics, and he was a classic narcissistic with the silent treatments. The thing is, I was okay with it because we needed to stop. But he always reached out again, and I'm like, this '10 days to lose a guy' strategy is not working at all. He was pretty cruel and heartless even about his wife. "She won't fight with me about ____because she's afraid I'll divorce her" - "Doesn't she know you'll never divorce her?" "No." Yes, she did. She better know because if she doesn't... Most divorces only happen because the wife files for them. Give me a break.

 

I learned his game quick (or not quick enough), but the waiting game... I know now that I didn't want to admit that in order for me to move forward and end this meant I had to cut all ties. I never had a chance, but it's agony that what I wanted is reserved for another. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and irritability, but I have been putting all the actions to keep pursuing my goals. This post is SO LONG, and I could still write so much about it. I pray for peace. And throughout it all, I miss him so much, but the one thing I am good at is heartbreak, and I can do No Contact forever.

 

I wonder if the veteran posters read my words, and they shake their head in their wisdom. This forum and letting me express my story has been extremely cathartic, thank you.

[Darren Steez]

momentous life occasion.

 

Sub-consciously we pick out words or phrases that describe our lives or what we feel.

 

Life usually is a mess of trail and error. Nobody gets everything perfect all the time, it's just not human.

 

Seems to me you've learned, you've grown and while not over the hill yet you're in a place where you can look back, write about it, feel proud of that growth and are ready to move on. So back to the phrase. He wasn't around for one momentous life occasion, and he won't be around when you meet someone and hopefully grow something organic, wholesome that benefits not just one but both.

 

You'll look back at this as a momentous life occasion.

The growth to the person you are now as a momentous life occasion.

Indeed every sweet moment gained of your own hard work and nurture.

 

Well done.

[elaine567]

I miss his wealth of knowledge and conversation so much. I miss being with him so much. And there are some people here that say, "oh, if you were truly with him, the real world wouldn't be so much fun," but him just sitting on the couch doing the most mundane things, after willfully ignoring the perpetual unrequited love part, I loved him as much as the day I told him I wanted to move in.

 

That is not uncommon, the OW often yearns for "normality", and the cozy and comfortable "mundane".

The MM seeks drama, excitement and relief of boredom, he has a "mundane" life at home, why would he want another "mundane" relationship?

 

Keep up the NC.

[drypuddle]

Not that you could really call our "friendship" beautiful, but I miss his wealth of knowledge and conversation so much. I miss being with him so much.

 

...

 

 

And throughout it all, I miss him so much, but the one thing I am good at is heartbreak, and I can do No Contact forever.

 

 

Hello! These two statements stuck out to me because that's currently what I am experiencing, in the whirlwind of emotions after I exposed the affair to his wife.

 

Most of the time I'm just feeling anger and disbelief that this is where I'm at in my life right now. Sometimes I do miss him though, our conversations, laughing together.

 

And then I remember... none of it was real! So now, in those sad moments, I try to remember that I miss the IDEA of him. The man I thought I loved never truly existed, though he put on a good show. That helps with letting go and moving on.

 

Keep up the NC. It sounds like you're doing very well with moving on.

[victoria5]

That is not uncommon, the OW often yearns for "normality", and the cozy and comfortable "mundane".

The MM seeks drama, excitement and relief of boredom, he has a "mundane" life at home, why would he want another "mundane" relationship?

 

Keep up the NC.

 

I lived on yearning and hope, banking on the .000001% fact that he wanted children and she did not would eventually lead to the end of their union, independent of his transgressions with me. Why wait for that? It's not like your chromosomes improve with age. I have accepted that he changed his mind regarding children, and I have not, ergo I say goodbye. Logic has not deserted me entirely yet.

 

We were watching a debate, and I was over it after 30 minutes, but I thought to myself, this is boring, this is boring, this is boring, and he won't like that. And my subsequent thought, he's created this insecurity that's completely unfair, so I brushed it off.

 

Truly, the epiphany that he will never leave while I am around has been liberating and excruciating. Now I live on hope that time will soften this ache, and it's an arduous journey. I'm also pretty traumatized. I am trying to be generous with myself, and forgive myself for not drawing the line sooner. I don't know that I'll ever forgive him. Forgiving the other person is more about me anyway and moving forward, but I'm not there yet. One day, he'll be indifferent to me. And that thought fills me with sadness too.

 

I'm praying on it. I'm looking for a new job. I threw away all of the clutter, and I'm envisioning a future with plans of action. I get paralyzed from fear that I won't find someone and have a family, but breathe until the fear dissipates. And I listen to Incubus' "Beware, Criminal!" for comfort.

 

It's hard but I thank you for y'all's support. I didn't really know how my story would be received, but your responses have helped. I realize that there's often little compassion for the OW, and I completely understand. And I'm definitely angry about that. I did not sign up for that role, and I never wanted to be that. I know not to go after millions of years of systematic programming in bonding. Hope is not a viable strategy.

 

Love is like cocaine: The remarkable, terrifying neuroscience of romance - Salon.com

[victoria5]

Sub-consciously we pick out words or phrases that describe our lives or what we feel.

 

Life usually is a mess of trail and error. Nobody gets everything perfect all the time, it's just not human.

 

Seems to me you've learned, you've grown and while not over the hill yet you're in a place where you can look back, write about it, feel proud of that growth and are ready to move on. So back to the phrase. He wasn't around for one momentous life occasion, and he won't be around when you meet someone and hopefully grow something organic, wholesome that benefits not just one but both.

 

You'll look back at this as a momentous life occasion.

The growth to the person you are now as a momentous life occasion.

Indeed every sweet moment gained of your own hard work and nurture.

 

Well done.

 

Thank you. I know some affairs are an agreement where the OW is the main partner while the divorce trudges on for <reasons.> That scenario can probably take a downturn as well, but the fact that he thought I would be okay with this bewilders me. It's offensive.

 

My heart hurts too much to withstand the consolation prize of friendship. And you're right, the world will continue to spin and we'll be two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year with a 'Like' here and there on FaceBook.

 

Have I grown from this, Yes, was it worth it? I am definitely wiser to the baser parts of human nature and the institution of marriage. She is a formidable creature that I greatly underestimated. I'm empowered now that I know disentanglement is just as much an illusion for the MM.

 

Furthermore, I have more to lose by biding my time. The BW suffers, but in a game of time, she wins. Even after 12 years of bliss with children and a sweet wedding, everyone created memes of Aniston's validation, the jilted ex-wife after Jolie filed for divorce. The OW has no legitimacy ever. I wasn't supposed to be the OW, and I won't be the OW. As painful as this is, it's a calculated move. If they're reconciled and enjoying a second honeymoon, wonderful, but I will not be linked to whatever happens in their future.

[BTDT2012]

Furthermore, I have more to lose by biding my time. The BW suffers, but in a game of time, she wins.

 

As a BW, I don't look at it as a win.

[FlemishSwanSong]

My situation is different from yours, however I too at the time thought I was in love with my AP (a MM), I hoped to have a further with him eventually and like you we are now NC (enforced by DDay, where he choose to make it work with his W and immediately went NC).

 

I know what you mean about feeling there is a lack of sympathy for the OW, I guess prior to my own situation I would have been less understanding. However, for me (and I think for you), the A evolved and was not preplanned or anticipated. I also miss my exAP friendship which was real and long standing (16 years prior to the A). At first I honestly secretly hoped he would break NC. It's now 7 weeks later, and I am at the point where I still miss just the friendship, but have moved on with my feelings about him as a romantic partner. Time helps as does sticking to NC. I've begun to see the A in a more realistic way and can see it for its negatives as well as the nice times. I hope the increasing lapse of time helps you and would advice you to stay NC whatever happens.

Good luck!

[FoundMyStrength]

My heart hurts too much to withstand the consolation prize of friendship.

 

This. My xMM told me repeatedly that even more than our romantic feelings, he wanted me to remain a friend. But I think that was because he felt something different than I did. For him, I was an add-on to his already comfortable life. A "friend" he could chat with and get emotional support from, in addition to whatever he was getting from his wife. I believe that he loved me, but I also knew that he loved her too and loved her first. For me, he was the only one. And now that it's over, I'm unwilling to accept the consolation prize of friendship. It would be too painful.