Normal confusion? Seven year itch? What do I do?

[ConfusedDreamer]

So, I have this problem...well actually, I am not sure it is a problem.

 

Here is my story. I am in a committed 5 year relationship with a man that I love. We are not married, but this is the section that I thought would most help, since, in all reality, we are common law married. We own a house and a few cars together and have shared a bed for over 4 years.

 

Doesn't sound much like a problem when I write it like that...but sometimes I wonder what I am doing. Its not that we haven't talked about marriage, but I don't see it happening any time soon. That doesn't really bother me anymore because I know that he is not going to cheat or anything just because we aren't married. How do I know? Because he has been cheated on by a former wife and is still dealing with it (In my honest opinion.). Sometimes I feel like I just can't do stuff like he wants me to. We both have pretty good jobs, but he gets way more overtime, so he usually has way more money than I do. I wanted to buy something yesterday and he sort of poked at me about my having said I didn't have any money. It was only $5 bucks. It is just little things like this. Another thing is, that he goes on trips with his boss quite often that have nothing to do with work. Fun trips. He doesn't ask me if he can go, he just does. But if I want to go somewhere with my friends, he makes a big deal out of it. I try to compare the two things, and he acts like they have nothing to do with each other. Our other big thing is children, I desperately want to be a mother, but he doesn't want any kids.

 

The other part of my problem is that I have been thinking alot about a person from my past. This person still calls me occasionally to see how I am doing and to see if I am still in a relationship. I have been thinking alot lately about what might have happened with this person had I not met my current spouse. Would I have kids by now, would I be more in shape, would I be happier?

 

Is it strange of me to think these things? Am I just having a 7 year itch thing a few years early?

 

Confused

[Sal Paradise]

The grass is always greener on the other side. Thats really all this is. I suggest couples counselling. You need to communicate your unhappiness to your SO. Let him know this could lead to a break up if it continues. Be prepared though, this isn't just about him, a lot of this is your fault, if you're unhappy with him there is a 90% chance he is unhappy with you as well.

 

I would also suggest not talking to this other man anymore, its unfair to you, your SO and the relationship. No good can come from staying in contact with him. You're putting this OM up on a pedestal where everything wrong in your current life would be fixed if you were with him. The reality the OM has nothing at all do with this. The question shouldn't be would I be happier with the OM. The question is; would I be happier without my SO. I do think you're being a bit unfair to your husband by placing your health (weight) and your lack of happiness completely on him. Thats what you're essentially doing when you make the comparison with the fantasy man.

 

I say fantasy man because thats all the OM is, a fantasy. What your SO lacks you're projecting on this OM. Everything would be right with the world if I were with him. Its possible you would be even more unhappy if you were with him. People change, he might not even be the same guy you remember. You're viewing him thru the rose colored vision of nostalgia. People often get nostalgic over things that are in truth; not all that great at all. Memory is a tricky thing, it can turn sinners into saints.

 

I highly suggest opening up the walls of communication with your SO. Attempt to fix what is broke. Let him know that you're unhappy and it could end the relationship if it isn't fixed. Seek counselling. Learn to please each other. Besides, lets say you leave your SO and go with this om, eventually you will probably find yourself in the reverse of your current situation. You will be thinking about where you would be if you had made more of an effort to fix the relationship with your ex (current SO). Would you have kids, be in better shape, be happier.....

 

Whatever you do, don't cheat.

[CuriousDreamer]

Thank you for your advice. I never really thought of it like that.

 

I will look into couples counseling.

[loony]

Counseling sounds great, but I would still be prepared that it might be useless. You can not counsel anyone in to wanting to have kids if he doesn't want to have them. If for you they are a must for you to be happy, then you might be with the wrong person.

 

My impression of you that I get through your post is that you feel you have somewhat settled, things are ok, but not great. Sometimes people are right when they are not happy, they have settled and are in the wrong relationship. And sometimes it's not the wrong man, but the lack of an inner fire that keeps life interesting and exciting. If you fail to give your life a meaning and fill it with happiness on your own the greatest partner will not be able to make you happy.

[New_Wife]

It's hard to tell too much from your post because you wrote of what troubles you and not what you love about this person. That's not a criticism - it makes sense that you'd write about your problems when you are looking for advice for them.

 

In addition to counseling - which, IMO, is never a bad idea - you might take some quiet time to write out your feelings. A pro/con list, if you will about what this relationship gives you versus what you feel it is lacking. Sometimes that helps you to clarify your feelings, and may help you be more prepared to discuss them with your man.

 

I tip my hat to you that you haven't rushed into marriage. I think a lot of folks do just that and then find themselves in your position and feel trapped.

 

As to the other man - I'd ignore that, if I were you. No good can come of it, and a lot of bad could. If he is truly the one for you, he will still be the one for you after you've resolved this relationship and are free to consider it.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

After being with the same person for so long, routines get set, life day in and day out, same same same!! Can really make one wonder ... The thing to remember is WHY you fell inlove with him (Current boyfriend) and put alot of energy and focus into him again. Be romantic, dress up, wear makeup, go out on dates, or a romantic getaway.

 

Life can be really boring and so routine with work, and other obligations, so at times the relationship suffers.

 

Be silly and try to capture that good, sexy feeling! (If you're daring - GO buy some porn, or a sextoy and surprise him - Plan a sexy night together.) Or both of you call in sick one day and stay in bed and play!!!

 

Hope this helps, try not to worry.

 

As for this OM, keep him at arms length. It's so easy to think he will make you happier, because of that new and crush like feelings that are there - That excitement...The grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence, and really get your brain to understand that.

 

SO, plan a night and go have some fun with your common law hubby!!!