An accidental pregnancy as a threat to our future

[Guinevere22]

So my ex and ended things about 6 months ago when I asked him to never contact me again. I then dated a couple other guys, made new connections, you know; tried to move on!

A few weeks back he contacted me again out of the blue. I replied, and we discussed our past, it felt like closure for me. I felt vindicated in my reasoning for ending things and felt that I had genuinely moved on.

Fast forward a few weeks and he's been regularly contacting me and in a moment of weakness/curiousity I agreed to see him for a movie. We reconnected amazingly. He kept bringing up anecdotes from our past, dropped hints of how he wants me back, flirted, complimented, basically showered me in attention and affection. It felt wonderful.

We didn't discuss reigniting our romance until this morning. I brought it up. I thought; what the hell, he's obviously very much into me, he's single, I'm single I'm willing to see if this has what it takes. And he ****ing went coward on me; "I'm worried about being able to see you next year when you're at University." (We'll be a couple hours apart, and yes, it's far, but I'll have more time than I do now to see him). I eventually said; "Look, I'm willing and able to make that effort to see you, to date you, it remains for you to decide if you want the same." I then said that it is better to have tried and failed than to not try at all. He is now busy figuring out his priorities and I've given him time and space to decide.

The part that pisses me off is how much he was willing to see me, to enjoy my company, flirt, tease and generally reignite our flame, but then when it comes down to it, he's suddenly chicken! I a feel I am a great catch, that I am a person of value and can bring something magical to a loving relationship, but I will not hang around waiting, hoping, he'll choose me.

Just so he's not coming across as a total flake; our connection is based on an ability to discuss and communicate anything with each other; we are both very honest, upfront and genuine with each other, and that is something I deeply cherish and value, so of course I don't want to just walk away from it.

How can I encourage him to grow a spine for us? He clearly values me, how do I to get him to value us too?

Edited November 13, 2016 by Guinevere22
Sentence structure

[NuevoYorko]

Why did you break up and ask him to never contact you again?

 

Did you have any negative reaction to him disrespecting your boundary? I would have.

 

Regardless, the fact that he enjoys hanging around with you but isn't interested in committing to a relationship with you certainly doesn't indicate that he's a coward.

[Satu]

snip

How can I encourage him to grow a spine for us? He clearly values me, how do I to get him to value us too?

 

You can't make anyone think, feel, or do anything.

 

Thinking that you can leads directly to disappointment.

 

If he decides of his own free will that he wants to be with you, he'll let you know.

 

Be honest about your own feelings and let him attend to his own.

 

 

Take care.

[Gr8fuln2020]

So my ex and ended things about 6 months ago when I asked him to never contact me again. I then dated a couple other guys, made new connections, you know; tried to move on!

A few weeks back he contacted me again out of the blue. I replied, and we discussed our past, it felt like closure for me. I felt vindicated in my reasoning for ending things and felt that I had genuinely moved on.

Fast forward a few weeks and he's been regularly contacting me and in a moment of weakness/curiousity I agreed to see him for a movie. We reconnected amazingly. He kept bringing up anecdotes from our past, dropped hints of how he wants me back, flirted, complimented, basically showered me in attention and affection. It felt wonderful.

We didn't discuss reigniting our romance until this morning. I brought it up. I thought; what the hell, he's obviously very much into me, he's single, I'm single I'm willing to see if this has what it takes. And he ****ing went coward on me; "I'm worried about being able to see you next year when you're at University." (We'll be a couple hours apart, and yes, it's far, but I'll have more time than I do now to see him). I eventually said; "Look, I'm willing and able to make that effort to see you, to date you, it remains for you to decide if you want the same." I then said that it is better to have tried and failed than to not try at all. He is now busy figuring out his priorities and I've given him time and space to decide.

The part that pisses me off is how much he was willing to see me, to enjoy my company, flirt, tease and generally reignite our flame, but then when it comes down to it, he's suddenly chicken! I a feel I am a great catch, that I am a person of value and can bring something magical to a loving relationship, but I will not hang around waiting, hoping, he'll choose me.

Just so he's not coming across as a total flake; our connection is based on an ability to discuss and communicate anything with each other; we are both very honest, upfront and genuine with each other, and that is something I deeply cherish and value, so of course I don't want to just walk away from it.

How can I encourage him to grow a spine for us? He clearly values me, how do I to get him to value us too?

 

If 22 is your age, you have a lot to learn about relationships. Boundaries. Commitment. Independence. Self-esteem. The real world.

 

Based on your post, you, imho, have misread this whole situation poorly. I need time to think about this and give you details later. Ugh.

[Guinevere22]

Why did you break up and ask him to never contact you again?

 

Did you have any negative reaction to him disrespecting your boundary? I would have.

 

Regardless, the fact that he enjoys hanging around with you but isn't interested in committing to a relationship with you certainly doesn't indicate that he's a coward.

 

When he initially contacted me after I'd asked him not to I responded very coldly. I asked him why he'd contacted me and allowed him to explain himself. He apologised for his behaviour prior to us breaking up and expressed a desire to see me again.

 

The reason I feel he's being cowardly is because he has said he wants to be with me but is scared he will be too needy when I'm away at uni. I feel that that is a burden we both have to bare and it's cowardly to just toss the whole relationship out the window because he might get hurt down the road. Verbally he has not expressed a disinterest in being with me, far from it, but it's his actions that aren't following through.

[Guinevere22]

If 22 is your age, you have a lot to learn about relationships. Boundaries. Commitment. Independence. Self-esteem. The real world.

 

Based on your post, you, imho, have misread this whole situation poorly. I need time to think about this and give you details later. Ugh.

 

I'm not 22, I'm 31. I look forward to your analysis.

[Guinevere22]

Agreed 100%. I guess I was looking for ways to persuade him, but you're right, I just need to give him the time and space to make up his own mind.

[Redhead14]

How long did you date this guy before the break up?

[elaine567]

It is unclear from your first post.

Did he dump you, or did you dump him?

[Guinevere22]

It is unclear from your first post.

Did he dump you, or did you dump him?

I broke up with him.

[MarkIVSteel]

Jesus Christ, no wonder too many men refuse to open up to their women. When they open up and bring up legit concerns, they get shamed for it. Coward? Grow a spine? Wow.

 

He was simply trying to address an issue and brought it up. What you can and should do is tell him how you will either compromise or not compromise, different ways you will make things work or if things just won't work at all etc.

 

Not call him a coward and wish he would "grow a spine".

[Redhead14]

How did you date and what caused the break up?

[Guinevere22]

Jesus Christ, no wonder too many men refuse to open up to their women. When they open up and bring up legit concerns, they get shamed for it. Coward? Grow a spine? Wow.

 

He was simply trying to address an issue and brought it up. What you can and should do is tell him how you will either compromise or not compromise, different ways you will make things work or if things just won't work at all etc.

 

Not call him a coward and wish he would "grow a spine".

 

I hear you, it's a harsh criticism, but this is not something that is new to our relationship. He came up with similar issues previous to our break up. I just am struggling with his words of desire for a relationship but then is unwilling to take the next step into a deeper one. Apologies if I came across as mean, I'm just frustrated.

[NuevoYorko]

If you started up a relationship with his waffling attitude, it won't be good. He's not that into it, obviously.

 

I'm still not really getting where the "grow a spine" and "coward" stuff comes into it, though. This site is full of people who got intimate, whether physically or just emotionally, with someone and the got hurt because the person wasn't interested in committing to a full relationship.

[Guinevere22]

How did you date and what caused the break up?

We dated for a few months.

 

I broke it off for a number of reasons; primarily because he had only recently seperated from his ex and I felt I was becoming too much of a therapist to him and he needed time to figure out his life and emotional health. Around the time of the break up he had been saying some quite hurtful things to me and was basically pushing me away. On top of this, he was constantly worrying about our future and being unwilling to work at any compromises. So I felt I needed to move on.

[Space Ritual]

So my ex and ended things about 6 months ago when I asked him to never contact me again. I then dated a couple other guys, made new connections, you know; tried to move on!

A few weeks back he contacted me again out of the blue. I replied, and we discussed our past, it felt like closure for me. I felt vindicated in my reasoning for ending things and felt that I had genuinely moved on.

Fast forward a few weeks and he's been regularly contacting me and in a moment of weakness/curiousity I agreed to see him for a movie. We reconnected amazingly. He kept bringing up anecdotes from our past, dropped hints of how he wants me back, flirted, complimented, basically showered me in attention and affection. It felt wonderful.

We didn't discuss reigniting our romance until this morning. I brought it up. I thought; what the hell, he's obviously very much into me, he's single, I'm single I'm willing to see if this has what it takes. And he ****ing went coward on me; "I'm worried about being able to see you next year when you're at University." (We'll be a couple hours apart, and yes, it's far, but I'll have more time than I do now to see him). I eventually said; "Look, I'm willing and able to make that effort to see you, to date you, it remains for you to decide if you want the same." I then said that it is better to have tried and failed than to not try at all. He is now busy figuring out his priorities and I've given him time and space to decide.

The part that pisses me off is how much he was willing to see me, to enjoy my company, flirt, tease and generally reignite our flame, but then when it comes down to it, he's suddenly chicken! I a feel I am a great catch, that I am a person of value and can bring something magical to a loving relationship, but I will not hang around waiting, hoping, he'll choose me.

Just so he's not coming across as a total flake; our connection is based on an ability to discuss and communicate anything with each other; we are both very honest, upfront and genuine with each other, and that is something I deeply cherish and value, so of course I don't want to just walk away from it.

How can I encourage him to grow a spine for us? He clearly values me, how do I to get him to value us too?

 

Has it occurred to you that maybe he never had any intention of rekindling the relationship and just wanted apiece of ass and used the rarely successful script out of a Richard Gere movie to see how far he could get?

 

You called his bluff. He would have been happy to have a FWB situation with you, but when mentioning the R word, he realized that the jig was up on his master plan?

 

It is not uncommon for exes of both genders to attempt to pull stunts like this.

 

Hopefully what you have learned is that "Closure" is usually an exercise in futility and that not only do most people not get the answers they seek, but more times than not, get the exact opposite result of their intention in their quest for an even handed denouement.

[Guinevere22]

How did you date and what caused the break up?

 

If you started up a relationship with his waffling attitude, it won't be good. He's not that into it, obviously.

 

I'm still not really getting where the "grow a spine" and "coward" stuff comes into it, though. This site is full of people who got intimate, whether physically or just emotionally, with someone and the got hurt because the person wasn't interested in committing to a full relationship.

 

Because he is physically expressing deep affection, is verbally expressing deep affection but is prevaricating when it comes to making a definite decision. Basically we haven't gotten physical since the break up and I don't believe he is interested in a light-hearted affair, it's not the understanding I have of him.

[Guinevere22]

Has it occurred to you that maybe he never had any intention of rekindling the relationship and just wanted apiece of ass and used the rarely successful script out of a Richard Gere movie to see how far he could get?

 

You called his bluff. He would have been happy to have a FWB situation with you, but when mentioning the R word, he realized that the jig was up on his master plan?

 

It is not uncommon for exes of both genders to attempt to pull stunts like this.

 

Hopefully what you have learned is that "Closure" is usually an exercise in futility and that not only do most people not get the answers they seek, but more times than not, get the exact opposite result of their intention in their quest for an even handed denouement.

Lol, no ass was gotten. As for closure, to me it is never an expectation, it was a lovely 'gift' which I never searched for.

[Satu]

snip

We dated for a few months.

I broke it off for a number of reasons; primarily *because he had only recently seperated from his ex and I felt I was becoming too much of a therapist to him and he needed time to figure out his life and emotional health.

 

 

From my journals:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

[elaine567]

As you broke up with him, and then proceeded to date other men, then if he cares for you, and I assume he does, he is going to be very fragile emotionally.

 

His heart was probably the driver in contacting you again, but his brain is telling him, "No, don't get involved, she will only just dump you again for some guy at uni".

 

I don't think you can label him a coward for not wanting to put his hand back into the fire, when it hurt like hell the last time he did that.

[Guinevere22]

snip

 

 

 

From my journals:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

I 100% agree with you (again!) I didn't know how recent his previous relationship was until a few months in (by which time I was emotionally invested too!) Your advice is sound, and I have tried to approach dating from that perspective since breaking up with him and feel that I am to a greater extent no long 'in love' with him. But we're all fallible aren't we?

[Guinevere22]

As you broke up with him, and then proceeded to date other men, then if he cares for you, and I assume he does, he is going to be very fragile emotionally.

 

His heart was probably the driver in contacting you again, but his brain is telling him, "No, don't get involved, she will only just dump you again for some guy at uni".

 

I don't think you can label him a coward for not wanting to put his hand back into the fire, when it hurt like hell the last time he did that.

 

That is a very good point, I didn't think of that. What do you think I can do to reassure him of my commitment?

[Redhead14]

We dated for a few months.

 

I broke it off for a number of reasons; primarily because he had only recently seperated from his ex and I felt I was becoming too much of a therapist to him and he needed time to figure out his life and emotional health. Around the time of the break up he had been saying some quite hurtful things to me and was basically pushing me away. On top of this, he was constantly worrying about our future and being unwilling to work at any compromises. So I felt I needed to move on.

 

That situation has not been resolved in 6 months . . . and it's quite apparent that he still has lots to work on.

 

he was constantly worrying about our future -- Nothing has changed and won't for a long time yet.

 

Do not get "re-involved" with him as you will only be repeating history.

[Guinevere22]

That situation has not been resolved in 6 months . . . and it's quite apparent that he still has lots to work on.

 

he was constantly worrying about our future -- Nothing has changed and won't for a long time yet.

 

Do not get "re-involved" with him as you will only be repeating history.

 

This is my suspicion too, I was hoping it was something else, but you may well be right.

[Gr8fuln2020]

So my ex and ended things about 6 months ago when I asked him to never contact me again. I then dated a couple other guys, made new connections, you know; tried to move on!

A few weeks back he contacted me again out of the blue. I replied, and we discussed our past, it felt like closure for me. I felt vindicated in my reasoning for ending things and felt that I had genuinely moved on.

Fast forward a few weeks and he's been regularly contacting me and in a moment of weakness/curiousity I agreed to see him for a movie. We reconnected amazingly. He kept bringing up anecdotes from our past, dropped hints of how he wants me back, flirted, complimented, basically showered me in attention and affection. It felt wonderful.

We didn't discuss reigniting our romance until this morning. I brought it up. I thought; what the hell, he's obviously very much into me, he's single, I'm single I'm willing to see if this has what it takes. And he ****ing went coward on me; "I'm worried about being able to see you next year when you're at University." (We'll be a couple hours apart, and yes, it's far, but I'll have more time than I do now to see him). I eventually said; "Look, I'm willing and able to make that effort to see you, to date you, it remains for you to decide if you want the same." I then said that it is better to have tried and failed than to not try at all. He is now busy figuring out his priorities and I've given him time and space to decide.

The part that pisses me off is how much he was willing to see me, to enjoy my company, flirt, tease and generally reignite our flame, but then when it comes down to it, he's suddenly chicken! I a feel I am a great catch, that I am a person of value and can bring something magical to a loving relationship, but I will not hang around waiting, hoping, he'll choose me.

Just so he's not coming across as a total flake; our connection is based on an ability to discuss and communicate anything with each other; we are both very honest, upfront and genuine with each other, and that is something I deeply cherish and value, so of course I don't want to just walk away from it.

How can I encourage him to grow a spine for us? He clearly values me, how do I to get him to value us too?

 

Okay, here I go. My opinions on this...

 

1. Coward? No indication that he is. He is the one 'sounding' realistic either b/c he doesn't trust he will able to do what is needed or b/c he simply doesn't want to. He may be demonstrating some insecurity on his part.

 

2. You broke up with him and for good reasons. You even feel 'vindicated!' This would indicate that your reasons for breaking-up with him were legitimate. To the point of asking him to not contact you. 'Never' contact you again. During that time, months I am thinking, he didn't and you didn't.

 

3. You tried to move on by dating other guys. Made connections. But out of the blue, he contacts you and YOU immediately respond. He doesn't respect your boundaries and you have none.

 

4. You, after getting the text, completely forget the reason(s) why you broke-up with him and continue to communicate with the person you didn't want to ever speak to again and YOU are the one who insists on re-hashing a past, a history that you certainly didn't a repeat of. How chronic were these problems? They must have been bad enough for you to break-up and ask him to never speak to you again.

 

5. It is YOU who wants to resume a relationship with a person you decided, unequivocally, was not suited for you. Your talk was nothing more than talk. He apologized. How many times did he do that before you broke it off?

 

6. HE is the one is seem level-headed here. He's being more honest than you are. He is wary of resuming a relationship and so should you, but cursiously, you are not.

 

7. You decide to go on a date. You feel the butterflies again...ignoring the bad past, of course. You evoke a romantic notion of love and relationship by saying 'It is better to have tried and failed...' Yeah, but didn't you already try and fail....flamed out!? Again, how many times did you give him a chance to correct things before breaking-up?

 

8. Just b/c you say that you this amazing communication between you doesn't mean he isn't a flake. Again, if it wasn't this amazing communication, what was the reason for breaking-up?

 

9. I don't think you ever moved on...no indication in your post that you did.

 

10. Everyone thinks of themselves as a great catch. I don't doubt that you are. He may. What he thinks, in this situation, of course, matters more as you have already resigned to ignoring the past, your reasons to move on to be with someone you already have concluded is not good for you. Better to be with the devil you know, than the devil you don't? Ugh.

 

11. In the end you say you don't want to just walk away from it.....YOU ALREADY DID!!! Months ago! Why did you break up!

 

12. I don't see that he needs to grow anything. He's not being cowardly. He's, once again, the more honest person, as far as I see, in the relationship. You cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to.

 

13. So, you two are dating? Does he know this? I mean, does he know that you two are together again?

 

14. Being in your 30's makes it worse. You're more mature or should be, but this post has naive written all over it.

 

15. I've known and know women like you. Read the last sentence of #10. There are those who have less self-esteem than they would admit. Many women, especially settle into relationships knowing that they are bad. They never give themselves a chance to find better, but that can be scary. You broke up for a reason and they seemed pretty clear to you. You are now ignoring them and frankly pushing for something that the other person is honestly uncertain of.

 

Okay. That's it. I apologize, but I don't like to mince words. As soon as I read the first few sentences of your post, I knew something was not kosher about the way YOU were looking at this. It is just my opinion.

 

Personal note. I have a sister who was involved with a guy like this. My brother and I hammered for years, literally, to get her away from the guy. I also had a dear female friend who was also similarly involved and she ended up wasting over a decade of her life with that guy. Ugh.

Edited November 13, 2016 by simpleNfit