An accidental pregnancy as a threat to our future

[elaine567]

That is a very good point, I didn't think of that. What do you think I can do to reassure him of my commitment?

 

Due to the fact you say you are no longer "in love" with him, and his ex is still fairly recent (she will still impact on your relationship no doubt) and he may still need your "therapy" skills, and he may still worry about your future, then you need to think very carefully as to what you really want here.

You had a lovely trip down memory lane, but is there enough there to sustain a committed relationship?

What has really changed?

Also many people get obsessed with the fact a third party was involved during the break, and that may add to your issues here too.

 

No point in rekindling old feelings, if the same old same old stuff will keep cropping up and you may just end up dumping and hurting him again...

Do not think of going back just because it all seems so cosy and warm, try to think more objectively. Is he really what you want?

[Popsicle]

We dated for a few months.

 

I broke it off for a number of reasons; primarily because he had only recently seperated from his ex and I felt I was becoming too much of a therapist to him and he needed time to figure out his life and emotional health. Around the time of the break up he had been saying some quite hurtful things to me and was basically pushing me away. On top of this, he was constantly worrying about our future and being unwilling to work at any compromises. So I felt I needed to move on.

 

Based on this and your history together, I'd say that he's still not ready for a relationship.

 

Tell him not to contact you ever again, until he is ready for a relationship.

[Guinevere22]

Okay, here I go. My opinions on this...

 

1. Coward? No indication that he is. He is the one 'sounding' realistic either b/c he doesn't trust he will able to do what is needed or b/c he simply doesn't want to. He may be demonstrating some insecurity on his part.

 

2. You broke up with him and for good reasons. You even feel 'vindicated!' This would indicate that your reasons for breaking-up with him were legitimate. To the point of asking him to not contact you. 'Never' contact you again. During that time, months I am thinking, he didn't and you didn't.

 

3. You tried to move on by dating other guys. Made connections. But out of the blue, he contacts you and YOU immediately respond. He doesn't respect your boundaries and you have none.

 

4. You, after getting the text, completely forget the reason(s) why you broke-up with him and continue to communicate with the person you didn't want to ever speak to again and YOU are the one who insists on re-hashing a past, a history that you certainly didn't a repeat of. How chronic were these problems? They must have been bad enough for you to break-up and ask him to never speak to you again.

 

5. It is YOU who wants to resume a relationship with a person you decided, unequivocally, was not suited for you. Your talk was nothing more than talk. He apologized. How many times did he do that before you broke it off?

 

6. HE is the one is seem level-headed here. He's being more honest than you are. He is wary of resuming a relationship and so should you, but cursiously, you are not.

 

7. You decide to go on a date. You feel the butterflies again...ignoring the bad past, of course. You evoke a romantic notion of love and relationship by saying 'It is better to have tried and failed...' Yeah, but didn't you already try and fail....flamed out!? Again, how many times did you give him a chance to correct things before breaking-up?

 

8. Just b/c you say that you this amazing communication between you doesn't mean he isn't a flake. Again, if it wasn't this amazing communication, what was the reason for breaking-up?

 

9. I don't think you ever moved on...no indication in your post that you did.

 

10. Everyone thinks of themselves as a great catch. I don't doubt that you are. He may. What he thinks, in this situation, of course, matters more as you have already resigned to ignoring the past, your reasons to move on to be with someone you already have concluded is not good for you. Better to be with the devil you know, than the devil you don't? Ugh.

 

11. In the end you say you don't want to just walk away from it.....YOU ALREADY DID!!! Months ago! Why did you break up!

 

12. I don't see that he needs to grow anything. He's not being cowardly. He's, once again, the more honest person, as far as I see, in the relationship. You cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to.

 

13. So, you two are dating? Does he know this? I mean, does he know that you two are together again?

 

14. Being in your 30's makes it worse. You're more mature or should be, but this post has naive written all over it.

 

15. I've known and know women like you. Read the last sentence of #10. There are those who have less self-esteem than they would admit. Many women, especially settle into relationships knowing that they are bad. They never give themselves a chance to find better, but that can be scary. You broke up for a reason and they seemed pretty clear to you. You are now ignoring them and frankly pushing for something that the other person is honestly uncertain of.

 

Okay. That's it. I apologize, but I don't like to mince words. As soon as I read the first few sentences of your post, I knew something was not kosher about the way YOU were looking at this. It is just my opinion.

 

Personal note. I have a sister who was involved with a guy like this. My brother and I hammered for years, literally, to get her away from the guy. I also had a dear female friend who was also similarly involved and she ended up wasting over a decade of her life with that guy. Ugh.

I hear your frustration and clearly your sister and friends situation was difficult to watch. The hard part is aligning what I know to be the right decision with the strength of feelings.

Yes, in many ways I do struggle with boundaries, but I also am strong enough to walk away when I see there is no hope. I do not see that in this situation. The reasons why I broke up with him and the reason I asked him to not contact me were actually not the same. I mentioned previously that he had said some very painful things to me, this happened after I broke it off (which he had inititally agreed was a good idea), and that is why I asked for no contact as I realised I needed space and time to 'get over him'.

My reasons for walking away from it months ago are no longer reason I have to walk away from it now. He has changed and become more settled.

 

I am in my 30's with a limited relationship experience so, yes, I do make mistakes and perhaps put pressure on him when I shouldn't have, but I am human, I make mistakes. You need to be careful you don't project your past experiences onto a post you read on the internet. Your sister's experience is not mine.

[spiderowl]

University is a big, big test of a relationship. Not only is there a distance issue, which many couples do seem to cope with, but basically you will be there surrounded by attractive, intelligent guys who are looking for a great girl to date. You may not be tempted, but many are. I recollect a couple from my uni days. They had been together since about age 18. They stayed together first two years at uni then she got involved with someone else. Then, there was literally a confrontation in residences when home boyfriend met up with uni boyfriend. She fell out with uni boyfriend and home boyfriend won the girl, but that had been a really well-established relationship.

 

I am not saying you would run off with another guy but I see it as perfectly reasonable that your ex would be concerned about the possibility and wonder if he could cope with yet another (what might seem inevitable to him) loss.

[Marc878]

When he initially contacted me after I'd asked him not to I responded very coldly. I asked him why he'd contacted me and allowed him to explain himself. He apologised for his behaviour prior to us breaking up and expressed a desire to see me again.

 

The reason I feel he's being cowardly is because he has said he wants to be with me but is scared he will be too needy when I'm away at uni. I feel that that is a burden we both have to bare and it's cowardly to just toss the whole relationship out the window because he might get hurt down the road. Verbally he has not expressed a disinterest in being with me, far from it, but it's his actions that aren't following through.

 

You left the door open no contact is up to you. If you broke up with him you should have left it at that.

[dumbass2]

That situation has not been resolved in 6 months . . . and it's quite apparent that he still has lots to work on.

 

he was constantly worrying about our future -- Nothing has changed and won't for a long time yet.

 

Do not get "re-involved" with him as you will only be repeating history.

 

Before I even got to this post, this is what I was thinking and was going to say. Nothing has changed and it was a main issue of the breakup. I sense you still have feelings for him and love the attention, but you're going back down that same road that was not leading anywhere. His commitment issues are a huge deal and it's only been 6 months.

[Guinevere22]

University is a big, big test of a relationship. Not only is there a distance issue, which many couples do seem to cope with, but basically you will be there surrounded by attractive, intelligent guys who are looking for a great girl to date. You may not be tempted, but many are. I recollect a couple from my uni days. They had been together since about age 18. They stayed together first two years at uni then she got involved with someone else. Then, there was literally a confrontation in residences when home boyfriend met up with uni boyfriend. She fell out with uni boyfriend and home boyfriend won the girl, but that had been a really well-established relationship.

 

I am not saying you would run off with another guy but I see it as perfectly reasonable that your ex would be concerned about the possibility and wonder if he could cope with yet another (what might seem inevitable to him) loss.

To be honest, I'm not going to be particularly worried about meeting a guy at Uni, most of them will be 10, 12 years my junior, so I am not worried on that front. I suspect he's just not that into me after all. it's hard to believe it as his words and affection seem to suggest otherwise, but ultimately if he truly wanted me he would have locked us into a relationship, come what may.

 

Thank you to all of you for working through this with me, much appreciated.

[Guinevere22]

So I've concluded that the ex who contacted me after 6 months of no contact is still not interested in a relationship with me. It would appear he's looking for a friend and text buddy but not a partner. I know he really loves my company and input but I fear I will never truly move on if I maintain contact. What should I do? Do I break his (friendly) heart and ask for no contact, or do I live on and hope I adjust to being a friend? Can one do that? Can romantic attachment recede over time to form a friendship?

 

He has not expressed a desire for friendship, or made any definitive gestures of a romantic nature (beyond serious flirting and wonderings down memory lane), so I am going on behaviour and past experience with this.

 

Any suggestions?

[Satu]

snip

 

So I've concluded that the ex who contacted me after 6 months of no contact is still not interested in a relationship with me. It would appear he's looking for a friend and text buddy but not a partner. I know he really loves my company and input but I fear I will never truly move on if I maintain contact. What should I do? Do I break his (friendly) heart and ask for no contact, or do I live on and hope I adjust to being a friend? Can one do that? Can romantic attachment recede over time to form a friendship?

 

He has not expressed a desire for friendship, or made any definitive gestures of a romantic nature (beyond serious flirting and wonderings down memory lane), so I am going on behaviour and past experience with this.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I'll answer you with a poem:

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

 

— ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

Take care.

[Redhead14]

So I've concluded that the ex who contacted me after 6 months of no contact is still not interested in a relationship with me. It would appear he's looking for a friend and text buddy but not a partner. I know he really loves my company and input but I fear I will never truly move on if I maintain contact. What should I do? Do I break his (friendly) heart and ask for no contact, or do I live on and hope I adjust to being a friend? Can one do that? Can romantic attachment recede over time to form a friendship?

 

He has not expressed a desire for friendship, or made any definitive gestures of a romantic nature (beyond serious flirting and wonderings down memory lane), so I am going on behaviour and past experience with this.

 

Any suggestions?

 

End this once and for all and maintain no contact. It would be unfair to YOURSELF to continue to be in contact and see him while you have such strong feelings for him and stringing yourself along with the hope that things will change for him and that your "interest" will recede. How can it recede when you are basically triggering yourself every time you see or speak to him? You are just prolonging the pain.

[Kelley]

No contact until you heal, then decide if you want to be friends. You have to look after you first none else will! Keeping in contact just prolongs the pain while they are pain free and benefit from your friendship!

[lolablue17]

You should do what ever you feel is best FOR YOU. The right way is that you will take care of yourself, and he will take care of himself.

 

You don't have to be rude. Tell him that it's too soon for you to be friends with him and that's it.

[Guinevere22]

My ex came back into my life a couple weeks ago after 6 months of no contact. At first I took things slow with him, feeling very nervous of opening myself up to being hurt again (despite me breaking up with him, I was more hurt by the ending).

After a while though, we started talking like we used to, ie every day, all day. Then we met for a movie, and the chemistry was there. And he seemed changed from before, more assertive and more confident about his future. I persuaded myself he was looking for something more with me. So I asked him, and his reaction was not what I was expecting; instead of being keen he was reserved instead, he said he didn't want to distract me from my uni studies next year and that if we did pursue something he would be too needy whilst I was away. That pissed me off; why all the contact, attention, affection etc. But anyway, I thought, fine I'll just let this work as a friendship until Uni when I'll let it slide.

 

So we continued chatting and basically maintaining a sort of flirtateous friendship (minus any sex). Then on wednesday we met up and did christmas shopping in town, and ended up spending 9 hours together. It was lovely, I kept my reserve, enjoyed the friendship and allowed things between us to just breathe. We really relaxed into each other's company and by the evenings end, he was unravelling many of his mixed feelings about his life, and future. I felt really connected. Only with my closest friends do I have that level of intimacy and vulnerability. But I didn't want to let it sway my decision to just continue a friendship. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek good night and that was that.

 

And then last night he dropped a bombshell; previous to reconnecting with me he'd been seeing another woman, they had been on 3 dates and had then slept together, unprotected (of course there was the whole "she said she was safe" bull****, but he didn't wear protection). She became almost immediately extremely attached to him, saying I love you, do you want a committed relationship etc, which of course he wasn't ready for after 3 dates, so that fizzled out. Then last night she phoned him to tell him she's pregnant.

 

So he is one of those kind of men who absolutely adores his children, I would even go so far as to say they are his only life goal. So for him, being a dad again isn't an issue, he's happy to take it on and he doesn't believe in abortion. The problem is the mother, she and he barely know each other, he doesn't care for her and he doesn't know if she's even going to keep the baby, so things are extremely precarious at this point. And though he seems pretty relaxed about it (it's out of my hands, I can't worry about things beyond my control), I felt that this was big. I felt that this was the turning point for us, something in me was not willing to just let him follow obligation into a loveless relationship, and I let some of my feelings show. He saw, asked and despite me hedging and avoiding expressing myself, he eventually started referring to our earlier discussion to not date, and how much he actually cares for me, wants to be with me, values our connection too much to lose it over uni or this shock new situation. Oh how heady was that? Of course I want him, I'm utterly in denial about how deeply in love with him I am. I can't just be friends! But a small part of me sees this as fear on his part of losing me, he may care for me, but in the cold light of day, will he choose me over a relationship of obligation?

So we come to today. I haven't slept a wink all night and am still too wired to try.

This other woman has now told him she doesn't want him to ever contact her again, and is terminating the pregnancy. But we both feel he needs to contact her and gain some clarity on the whole issue, she may just need a bit of time to calm down and think clearly. At this point he says "it's either a termination or family unit" and my heart sinks. Does this mean he will give up us being together for a woman he doesn't love? I simply said; "Please don't commit to anything out of obligation though, it will never work" To which he said "I know, thank you."

What do I do? I'm now waiting on another woman to decide on whether the love of my life will be a father again or not and whether he will do it with her or with me. How do I deal with this?

Edited December 3, 2016 by Guinevere22
grammar and rewording

[whichwayisup]

You end it now and step away. So he will be 'with' you if this woman ends her pregnancy, but if she doesn't he'll go to her and be a family with her and his baby. Take yourself OUT of the equation. Love and respect yourself by not giving him the choice. There's another option he didn't think of - Including YOU in his life with his baby. Just shows that he probably is unsure of what he feels for his woman and for you.

 

Did you two sort out the problems you had when he broke up with you the first time and hurt you so much? Seems you both just slipped right back into the relationship, even though you took slowly.

 

And the fact how quickly he came to you after they broke up. 6 months of NC and boom! The guy is back into your life... Something feels very off here.

[Guinevere22]

You end it now and step away. So he will be 'with' you if this woman ends her pregnancy, but if she doesn't he'll go to her and be a family with her and his baby. Take yourself OUT of the equation. Love and respect yourself by not giving him the choice. There's another option he didn't think of - Including YOU in his life with his baby. Just shows that he probably is unsure of what he feels for his woman and for you.

 

Did you two sort out the problems you had when he broke up with you the first time and hurt you so much? Seems you both just slipped right back into the relationship, even though you took slowly.

 

And the fact how quickly he came to you after they broke up. 6 months of NC and boom! The guy is back into your life... Something feels very off here.

 

Apologies if this doesn't come across in the original, but he is considering me in this, but I'm not sure if he's considering me seriously, I'll be at university next year when the baby arrives (if it arrives) so it would be very hard for me to be a parent with him here. And I'm not sure I am willing to give up my education for a baby that's not mine (though I would consider it). The way I see it is, he wants to give the baby the best chance at a good life, which is why he'd consider being with her. But I don't think an unhappy relationship is the place for a baby. He isn't sure what he will do, as she's not sure if she'll keep it. I know he wants to be with me, but I haven't the heart right now to push him to choose me. I feel like a delicate touch will work better. If she keeps it he may still choose me. But if he doesn't I'll not hang around hoping he will change his mind. Once; shame on you, twice, shame on me!

 

With regards sorting out our previous issues; yes, we did, he'd been coming out of a marriage and I didn't feel he was ready for me. He seems more ready now.

 

It took a few weeks to get chatting again after he initially contacted me, but yeah, clearly I have a big weakness for this guy.

Edited December 3, 2016 by Guinevere22
wording

[SoleMate]

What do I do? I'm now waiting on another woman to decide on whether the love of my life will be a father again or not and whether he will do it with her or with me. How do I deal with this?

 

.....last night he dropped a bombshell; previous to reconnecting with me he'd been seeing another woman, they had been on 3 dates and had then slept together, unprotected (of course there was the whole "she said she was safe" bull****, but he didn't wear protection). She became almost immediately extremely attached to him, saying I love you, do you want a committed relationship etc, which of course he wasn't ready for after 3 dates, so that fizzled out. Then last night she phoned him to tell him she's pregnant.

 

So he is one of those kind of men who absolutely adores his children......being a dad again isn't an issue, he's happy to take it on and he doesn't believe in abortion. The problem is the mother, she and he barely know each other, he doesn't care for her.....

 

See bolded above. This man has done a very cruel, foolish, reckless thing.....by having unprotected sex with a woman he barely knows and doesn't care for. I'd say that those acts negate the chance of his being a loving and committed father, because a man who truly loves his future/potential; and current/existing children would never do that to them. The cherry on top is his opposition to abortion....SO ILLOGICAL when coupled with readiness to plant his seed in any which womb at the drop of a panty.

 

To answer your question, detach and move on. It's the hardest thing, and it's also the right thing. I'm so sorry. Next man, look for someone whose values are aligned with yours and whose actions align with his words and values.

[Guinevere22]

See bolded above. This man has done a very cruel, foolish, reckless thing.....by having unprotected sex with a woman he barely knows and doesn't care for. I'd say that those acts negate the chance of his being a loving and committed father, because a man who truly loves his future/potential; and current/existing children would never do that to them. The cherry on top is his opposition to abortion....SO ILLOGICAL when coupled with readiness to plant his seed in any which womb at the drop of a panty.

 

To answer your question, detach and move on. It's the hardest thing, and it's also the right thing. I'm so sorry. Next man, look for someone whose values are aligned with yours and whose actions align with his words and values.

I am extremely disappointed in him. it's the stupidest mistake anyone I know could make and I would never have expected such idiocy from him. But I do know we all make mistakes and he is very ready to take on the role of this new child's father, he's stepping up to responsibility. He would also accept her decision for an abortion, as is her right, so he's not trying to control the situation. I would have to say your perspective, though admirable, is rather black and white and doesn't take into account human error and poor judgement, we all do it, just not all of us have to face living with such consequences. So for me, this is something I can put passed me. But thank you for your input.