I would like to hear from the OW about this

[minimariah]

Actions have consequences. I would like to deliver up those consequences to her.

 

I feel like she caused me so much pain (and yes, my H did as well) but she is

is the one getting the free pass.

 

Her life goes on. I am the one who is left with the mess to clean up.

 

^ all of this... makes it so hard to move on & deal with the emotional pain for many people. she did you wrong, she did you dirty - and there is nothing you can do about it BUT pretty much wish & pray for her to get what she deserves. there is no justice when it comes to emotional pain; if someone steals from you, attacks you and so on... you can call the cops and legally protect yourself. when someone cheats on you - you're HURT but there is no one you can complain to. and the fact that you'll get no justice SUCKS. but it is life.

 

you can lash out at your husband, you can probably make his life living hell... but you don't have any access to her. you can't even insult her in public, she can sue you for that.

 

i'll tell you one thing though - i'm sure it seems like she got away with it but for all you know... she can be miserable and suffering a great deal. and she probably is if she wanted your husband and really loved him. never trust the mask one presents to the public, it is very rarely correct.

[minimariah]

I felt pity for the OW until she brought her child to my house to demand that my WH leave with her.

 

an OW did that to my colleague and the colleague called child services on her - she was investigated and supervised for about a month under suspicion of abuse. my colleague & her WH never heard from or about her again from that moment on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It was a very Jerry Springer point in our lives. I still can't believe it happened to me. I am quite reserved and calm in crisis. All I could think about was that poor little girl witnessing that mess.

 

I don't know how you bounce back from that, from either side. What gets me, and I don't know your story, but these mm tend to hide instead of dealing with the OW directly like an adult, head-on. They just hide. Some OW just go away, like I did, but others...snap I guess. And the BS is left to deal with the OW, both of them a total wreck. And where is the MM? No one knows.

[BTDT2012]

I don't know how you bounce back from that, from either side. What gets me, and I don't know your story, but these mm tend to hide instead of dealing with the OW directly like an adult, head-on. They just hide. Some OW just go away, like I did, but others...snap I guess. And the BS is left to deal with the OW, both of them a total wreck. And where is the MM? No one knows.

It's been a lot of work. More on his part than mine. Lots of prayer and counseling. My story is long and complicated. What I will never understand is why she continued to deal with him after that. It was truly a clusterf&$@. I call us a work in progress. Maybe it is my punishment for the wrong that I did prior to my marriage.

[Chica80]

Thank you for your responses.

 

The apology letter was important to me because I asked my H to do it and he did - for me. That was what really mattered.

 

I think that saying my hatred of the OW ties me to her is a mis-characterization of the situation. My hated is only a feeling. She actually did things. Things that she hoped would end my marriage so she could step in and have my life. She earned my hatred.

 

As for giving my H a pass. Huh? He came crawling to me on his knees. I still have a lawyer on retainer. He works every day to be a better husband.

 

As for winners and loser . . . I just don't see it that way. I think we all lost. I didn't win my husband. I already had him. He strayed. He had no intention of leaving.

 

I do wonder what she thinks. If I did not know her, if she were just some random hook up, I'd feel differently. I think all this bothers me because I know her and her H.

 

Shame, Guilt, Remorse? I do not think she is capable.

 

I just want her to get what she brought on herself.

 

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I really am. I can give you a perspective from my side. I don't know if that will help.

 

In the OW mind it really is losers and winners. She "BW" won. I lost. He "chose" her. I know it's not logical as there was never really a choice or a contest. But when you are in it and you start to see yourself with this MM, you start to imagine the possibilities and maybe it could happen so it very much does become a "prize" to win.

 

In my situation I know BW. I met her as MM and I were somewhat friends before A started. During the A many times she did not cross my mind. It was us and only we existed. But whenever things did come up where I did have to think of her it was awful. Because then I would have to think of the awful thing I was doing to another person who was not deserving of all this pain.

 

There is/was a lot of guilt and pain. You think how can I be this person how can I do this. She doesn't deserve this. A are not logical creatures. They are very muddled, and foggy. A lot of justification. I guess one for me was I know I am doing something wrong, I know I need to stop. BUT this was a but for me. I didn't take vows with his wife. I didn't choose to marry her he did. He is making that choice he is hurting his marriage He is choosing over and over to hurt someone he says he loves. And I am his accomplice. I am guilty yes. But I did not make a commitment to her. HE did.

 

Please don't think these are excuses or justifications. Just giving my pov.

 

She may be licking her own wounds, hurt and ashamed, believing its best for you to stay away. Or working on her own marriage. Hard to know.

 

Again I'm sorry for this pain you are going through. You are not deserving of it. I wish you the best in your recovery.

[MargR]

Thank you, Sunshine. I appreciate your sharing that with me.

 

This concept of winning makes me wince. The MC even said I "won". Won what exactly? A cheater? I see it as a fact - a legal one even; I am his wife. I will stay his wife until one of us ends the marriage.

 

But I am finding it interesting to know the point of view of the OW: She took this on as a contest. It's funny because initially while I knew my H was cheating, I didn't know who he was with.

 

When I did find out it was this woman, I laughed. Out loud. I saw it as NO contest. And I knew my H would not leave me for her.

 

It bothers me that I was something of a foregone conclusion to him. He anticipated that I would not leave him. That has changed. He pushed his luck. He knows now if he goes back to her again, it's curtains for him.

 

I hope she's miserable. I read the obituaries every day and hope to see her name. Call me disturbed; that's all right. She caused me a lot of pain. She could have turned my H down. As for him, he had a wonderful thing with me and he chose to destroy it.

 

We get along fine. We always have. We sit and plan our future. We always did. We have sex. I ruined his playtime with another man's wife. But he ruined how I now think of him. I do not respect him. I do not trust him. I know he is trying to earn that back. He sees his involvement with this woman as a huge mistake.

 

When I ask him why, and follow up with asking what his goal was, he just looks at me.

I think it was all about the game. It makes me profoundly sad. But that's what it is and I will make the best of it.

 

I like this group. I like reading the stories. The responses are all valuable in different ways. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, to analyze, and to answer.

I feel a little more at peace.

[dichotomy]

Sorry to say but sometimes OW could care less about the wife and family of a MM. I know - my wife was this way. It hurt me to see her have this view.

 

They compartmentalize - saying its OM's issue with their vows and their marriage.

 

I kind of get that - but we have had many long debates here on Love shack about this issue. Some (OM OW) take the opinion its 99% the cheating WS issues to deal with their betrayals to their spouse and kids. They also say 99% of the anger should lie with your WS and not their AP.

 

I have always said it takes two to cheat and each shares responsibility for the hurts to all they caused as a pair.

 

Congrats to you and your WH for apologizing to OW's husband. In my view that's accountability and repenting.

Edited December 4, 2016 by dichotomy

[l8estnews]

 

As for giving my H a pass. Huh? He came crawling to me on his knees. I still have a lawyer on retainer. He works every day to be a better husband.

 

 

MargR, I hope you don't mind, but I am really curious. Could you detail what your husband did, aside from that letter, that made you take him back? I would just like to know since:

 

1.) By your posts, it seems that this woman isn't even at par with you, so if I was in your place, that would even hurt me a lot.

 

2.) I relate with your "hatred" towards the woman, but only if the woman sees my husband as a "prize." For me, if there's this insecure, desperate woman who would want to get a pass to my special someone, and despite my confidence that my husband wouldn't take her bait "for obvious reasons," he still did it, I would feel rage. I can imagine the woman giggling successfully for having a "sample" to my husband. Ugh, I would lash out to her AND my husband for being cheap.

 

I would leave my husband for soiling my goods. :laugh:

 

But you took him back. So, why?

[MargR]

When I learned my H was cheating, I blamed myself. I am sure most BSs do. I almost wanted to be at fault because if I were, then I could change and everything would be all better.

 

It was in therapy that I learned that I was not to blame. It was a choice my H made. He cheated because he wanted to.

 

In a session with the MC my H acknowledged that he cheated because he wanted to. He said he didn't even think about me. (Really?)

 

Anyway, I still took his cheating as a wake up call. I thought about what I could have done differently.

 

Things just don't happen in a vacuum. His A didn't just start with Hi, do you want to ****?

 

So the one thing I have to say that I did, was doing, that probably did not help my marriage was I was not speaking up. I am not a passive person, but I look back and think that my H was doing and saying things to get my attention.

 

I did not want to get upset, or start and argument, or even assert myself so I let things slide. He interpreted that as I didn't care. I didn't appreciate him. I was not empathetic. He was feeling neglected.

 

I thought that I was being the peace-keeper. It all seems so stupid.

 

The Ts all make a big deal out of communication. I will say that it is a big deal.

 

Talk. If I could go back that is the one thing I would do differently.

Anyone else want to join in? What one thing would you do differently?

 

I talk to him all the time. If I am feeling insecure, I tell him right away.

I do not wait. He gets frustrated because he says he doesn't know what else to do. I tell him to be faithful to me, and comfort me. So far it seems to be working.

 

I let him vent. He seems to need to complain. I listen and tell him I'm sorry he has to go through that. I've noticed he complains less now.

[katielee]

Ok but you not speaking up had nothing to do with his affair. I think affairs DO take place in a vacuum. There is only one person making a decision to have one.

[BTDT2012]

If I could go back I wouldn't marry him. His cheating was due to issues within him.

[William]

Folks, the moderation staff detected a person using multiple usernames to post messages here and apparently this thread is among them and, while the efforts may have been nefarious, we do appreciate thoughtful responses so chose to retain the thread content in that vein. Thanks for your input and have a pleasant Sunday.