Would this bother you?

[PrincessWarrior1]

Be careful with your winking. Some here will believe you're flirting.

 

Oh.. HA!.. I love this forum

[PrincessWarrior1]

I have, and have in the past as well. I do wonder if that's what I am experiencing...

 

You have to read on it to find out. Just google "How Do I know If I'm Being Gaslighted." I love those blogs where it's bullet points or lists and gets right to it. I don't want to sift through blah blah blah blah lol

 

... You'll be surprised.. I feel bad though you're engaged it's not like you're separated and NC. It might ruin your entire relationship reading this stuff.

 

Sometimes ignorance is bliss..

[PrincessWarrior1]

What can I say...

 

Other than...

 

...you're just a tease with all your LOL'S.

 

 

 

 

I've actually tried this once. Not a nice experience. But hey, live and learn, eh?

 

Unless you're on speaker phone and narc tried to humiliate you and you say oh so innocently with a beautiful smile: "Don't try to gaslight me so you can control me!" Narc says "Nobody's trying to control nobody" (ignorance is 9/10ths of the law) I say with a witty smile "Well maybe I'm tryin to control you" Gaslighting is kind of a funny word. But no seriously it is narcissistic abuse to drive you crazy. It's only funny thinking of my ex abusive troll like.. lighting a gas burner under his ass to burn off all the evil. lol

 

:bunny:

[merrmeade]

Well, he's been friends with both her and her husband for years before really getting into business. Her husband invited us to the condo as well a few times over the years...just never got to going. They all became friends at first when the husband moved into the townhouse next door (she wanted a divorce because of his issues with alcohol). My fiance and him would first play tennis at the courts in the complex, talk all the time, then got into business together. Then, a year later, she takes him back into the household a town over (she attends/attended Al-Anon meetings and decided to take him back under the same roof again). They are remaining married for financial reasons (I believe that is the reason) but they are still close/friendly. They do respect each other, but they are not intimate or anything anymore...That's what her husband told my fiance. Her husband introduced them in 2012, so he could set up her website. Now, she has the website going, the blog, and they are planning some other business venture - both her husband and herself - and they are getting my fiance involved.

 

So it's not like a client suddenly inviting us all to her condo on the flip of a dime...It's a long time friendship. I am just surprised because I was thinking with the flirting and all...why would I be mentioned to help her blog or be invited with the kids to the condo. Just weird.

I think you're all over the place and can't figure out what is and isn't important. There's nothing here that's a clear red flag. There's also nothing to rule out the possibility either. It's your gut feeling that's making you look for possibilities, and gut feelings are not to be ignored.. I don't think you have anything concrete right now but your discomfort. Potential areas of vulnerability include the lack of sex in her life and plans to spend more time together (new business venture).

 

Really there's nothing you can do and it's crazy-making to sit around and speculate like this. It's also crazy-making to question someone who's not open with you. Be on alert without obsessing if you can. Make yourself strong and independent and enjoy it. Make him less essential to your happiness. Do all that but stay on the alert.

[Jump Through Loops]

Oh.. HA!.. I love this forum

 

 

There's too much sadness here for me to love this place. I feel like I'm sucking on the juices of other people's misery whilst looking for answers for my own selfish needs. It consumes me, it distracts me away from my own problems. Hm, maybe that's why other people love this place. I don't know.

 

 

Sorry for the off topic.

[PrincessWarrior1]

There's too much sadness here for me to love this place. I feel like I'm sucking on the juices of other people's misery whilst looking for answers for my own selfish needs. It consumes me, it distracts me away from my own problems. Hm, maybe that's why other people love this place. I don't know.

 

 

Sorry for the off topic.

 

Oh I'm sorry. I actually was trying to cheer you up. I only said that because I have been heartbroken no actually my life is one heartbreak to the next. If it ain't one thing it's another.

 

Let me rephrase it to be: "I am thankful that I have a place to come to and read and try to comfort others and feel like I am not alone in this crazy world?" Is that better?

 

I try to be careful that I don't spread myself to thin on social websites and that means all of them. Take a music break or maybe shut all technology off for the night at a certain time and just relax. It works really good.

[Whoknew30]

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

Those who have nothing to hide want to be left alone as an adult should be...snooping isn't "Normal" & if a spouse snoops & finds something, stays in the relationship & continues to snoop...well IMO they need to take that effort they use to snoop & put into themselves as why "they" are choosing to live such an miserable existence. If one is snooping, they're not content nor happy & choosing an unhealthy lifestyle. All for what, bc they can't let their spouse go?

 

If one is snooping...that person needs to take a long hard look at themselves & figure out their own issues, even I cheated on, it's really lowering one's self, you want to be a partner/spouse or a parent?

[Jump Through Loops]

Oh I'm sorry. I actually was trying to cheer you up. I only said that because I have been heartbroken no actually my life is one heartbreak to the next. If it ain't one thing it's another.

 

Let me rephrase it to be: "I am thankful that I have a place to come to and read and try to comfort others and feel like I am not alone in this crazy world?" Is that better?

 

I try to be careful that I don't spread myself to thin on social websites and that means all of them. Take a music break or maybe shut all technology off for the night at a certain time and just relax. It works really good.

 

Aww, bless your little cotton socks. I'm fine really. No real problems at this end. Based on what I read here I guess I'm one lucky bastard.

 

Here, have a new unbroken heart on me. You deserve it: ❤

[PrincessWarrior1]

Aww, bless your little cotton socks. I'm fine really. No real problems at this end. Based on what I read here I guess I'm one lucky bastard.

 

Here, have a new unbroken heart on me. You deserve it: ❤

 

Thank you! And don't ever think your contributions here are selfish. I can tell that you are intelligent to be able to throw in jokes and the way you talk is really nice. I've seen some pretty nasty trollin..... It's good to have a balance between truth, facts, etc. It's kind of nice all in all people being able to help other people either by their experience or just knowing someone cares even if it's an internet stranger.

 

I know I'll be fine soon too. But all the things I've learned from forums such as this one and my own research has sped things up a bit. Healing takes time either way though. But reading some of the things I read definitely makes me want to stay single. Society is rough on the dating world. And technology while a good thing in many ways can also be a bad thing when people succumb to the temptations and if flirting is cheating's ugly cousin, then... there u go. It's so easy to do it but everyone is having the same problems across the board. Well not EVERyone but many I'll say that! Maybe except for super religious people and/or people with very high standards and old fashioned morals.

[OatsAndHall]

My further suggestion would be to step back and look at the context of all of this. This woman that you're talking about it the wife of your husband's friend and is doing business with them. There is going to be contact between them and, given his past emotional affair, that contact may get your hackles up. But, I wonder if this thread would even exist if he hadn't unfaithful to you. The emails that you have seen appear to be completely harmless and all centered around business and I don't think you have forgiven him for his past transgression nor moved past it. Now, it'd be a different story if you found an email or a text that was seriously damning or flirty or if his behavior changed drastically when he's around her or other women.

 

I have found that a significant other's change in behavior or the most tell-tale sign that they're pushing the boundaries of the relationship with other people. My ex-wife had many male friends (her brother's friends) and it would always make me uncomfortable when we hung out with them. Her demeanor would go from "baseline" to overly out-going and damn-near obnoxious. She wasn't flirting outright but she was certainly seeking attention. I would become kind of quiet and withdrawn (I didn't care for her brother or his friends) but would remain polite but it would turn into a fight after. She could tell I was uncomfortable and would immediately pull out the "YOU DON'T TRUST ME" card, without me saying a word. This accusation, coupled with the change in behavior were indications that I was married to a woman who didn't respect the boundaries of a marriage.

[PrincessWarrior1]

The emails that you have seen appear to be completely harmless and all centered around business and I don't think you have forgiven him for his past transgression nor moved past it. Now, it'd be a different story if you found an email or a text that was seriously damning or flirty or if his behavior changed drastically when he's around her or other women.

 

Princess Warrior says: Very true

 

My ex-wife had many male friends (her brother's friends) and it would always make me uncomfortable when we hung out with them. Her demeanor would go from "baseline" to overly out-going and damn-near obnoxious. She wasn't flirting outright but she was certainly seeking attention. I would become kind of quiet and withdrawn (I didn't care for her brother or his friends) but would remain polite but it would turn into a fight after. She could tell I was uncomfortable and would immediately pull out the "YOU DON'T TRUST ME" card, without me saying a word. This accusation, coupled with the change in behavior were indications that I was married to a woman who didn't respect the boundaries of a marriage.

 

Your whole post was dead on accurate and I would react the same way when boundaries are being stretched a little to far. The is my MO in relationships I can't help it either. What she said to you does sound like gaslighting to me for lack of better words. Someone else may have a better word or input.

 

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing.

[OatsAndHall]

Your whole post was dead on accurate and I would react the same way when boundaries are being stretched a little to far. The is my MO in relationships I can't help it either. What she said to you does sound like gaslighting to me for lack of better words. Someone else may have a better word or input.

 

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing.

 

Always glad to toss in some helpful input.

 

And, yes, it became very clear to me towards the end of the marriage that I was dealing with a woman who was, at best, unstable. But, there were red flags for years and I never should have been involved with her.

 

These kinds of experiences can be enlightening for people on this board or they can paint a picture of a generalization. My marriage and divorce was at the far end of the spectrum and I don't want people to assume that my experience is indicative of all issues in relationships.

 

But, back to the OP, I again think that you need to re-evaluate your trust in your ex. People say "once a cheater always a cheater" but I think that is a stretch. I stepped out on a serious girlfriend when I was in college, I saw just how much it hurt her and I'll never do it again. To be blunt, she will forever be the "one that got away" for me. She's a great woman who is in a solid marriage with three kids and I am very happy for her.

 

So, my suggestion to anyone who is dealing with that "nagging feeling" is to pay very close attention to people's behavior and to communicate. Take a step back and if they're interacting with you differently or if they are being strange in public or around certain people. I hate to even say this as so much can be read-into via social media but watch out for that too. You don't need to go through their emails, texts, or FB messages to see if something is going on. You can generally pick out negative behavior LONG before someone starts being unfaithful.

[PrincessWarrior1]

 

So, my suggestion to anyone who is dealing with that "nagging feeling" is to pay very close attention to people's behavior and to communicate. Take a step back and if they're interacting with you differently or if they are being strange in public or around certain people. I hate to even say this as so much can be read-into via social media but watch out for that too. You don't need to go through their emails, texts, or FB messages to see if something is going on. You can generally pick out negative behavior LONG before someone starts being unfaithful.

 

This!! 100%

[merrmeade]

Those who have nothing to hide want to be left alone as an adult should be...snooping isn't "Normal" & if a spouse snoops & finds something, stays in the relationship & continues to snoop...well IMO they need to take that effort they use to snoop & put into themselves as why "they" are choosing to live such an miserable existence. If one is snooping, they're not content nor happy & choosing an unhealthy lifestyle. All for what, bc they can't let their spouse go?

 

If one is snooping...that person needs to take a long hard look at themselves & figure out their own issues, even I cheated on, it's really lowering one's self, you want to be a partner/spouse or a parent?

But they're NOT normal!! And isn't that the point? That is, once infidelity's occurred, there's no more normal.

 

The problem is that they never had the conversation to make it okay for her to have free access as a consequence of the previous infidelity. Obviously she has a LACK OF TRUST AS A RESULT OF INFIDELITY. He should have been okay with transparency. But that didn't happen. Instead, they both swept, swept, swept the past and the pain under the rug so they (he) wouldn't have to feel bad. They're not married yet, so what she has a right now know and read isn't clear. They obviously didn't discuss it. He obviously didn't offer transparency. She obviously didn't regain her trust. And so, without that conversation, technically it is "snooping."

 

Okay, so she went ahead and did what she needed to do and what she should have been allowed to do and found out ... very little. And there's very little she can do about her misgivings except talk to him and expect understanding.

 

I think IC would help her talk to SOMEONE - since neither she nor her supposed future partner has given thought, much less voice, to the subject of boundaries. They need to have this conversation.

 

But before that happens, she needs to know what her boundaries are, what she expects in an exclusive, committed relationship. She needs to decide this and then articulate to him what she will put up with and what she won't and what she will do if pushed to her limits. If he refuses to participate in this conversation or acknowledge her points, she needs to decide whether she can live with someone who does not feel the need to articulate what his boundaries are, what crossing those boundaries would look like.

 

The problem is their lack of communication.

[Whoknew30]

But they're NOT normal!! And isn't that the point? That is, once infidelity's occurred, there's no more normal.

 

The problem is that they never had the conversation to make it okay for her to have free access as a consequence of the previous infidelity. Obviously she has a LACK OF TRUST AS A RESULT OF INFIDELITY. He should have been okay with transparency. But that didn't happen. Instead, they both swept, swept, swept the past and the pain under the rug so they (he) wouldn't have to feel bad. They're not married yet, so what she has a right now know and read isn't clear. They obviously didn't discuss it. He obviously didn't offer transparency. She obviously didn't regain her trust. And so, without that conversation, technically it is "snooping."

 

Okay, so she went ahead and did what she needed to do and what she should have been allowed to do and found out ... very little. And there's very little she can do about her misgivings except talk to him and expect understanding.

 

I think IC would help her talk to SOMEONE - since neither she nor her supposed future partner has given thought, much less voice, to the subject of boundaries. They need to have this conversation.

 

But before that happens, she needs to know what her boundaries are, what she expects in an exclusive, committed relationship. She needs to decide this and then articulate to him what she will put up with and what she won't and what she will do if pushed to her limits. If he refuses to participate in this conversation or acknowledge her points, she needs to decide whether she can live with someone who does not feel the need to articulate what his boundaries are, what crossing those boundaries would look like.

 

The problem is their lack of communication.

 

The BS is not required to stay...they are choosing to, by snooping & living that way the BS is choosing a unhealthy way to live...two wrongs don't make a right. So bc a spouse cheated, does not make it "ok" or the WS fault that the BS is choosing their own unhealthy habits. Especially if not married yet, if one finds themselves having to go to that length to try & keep their relationship, isn't that answer enough to the "should I leave" question.

 

Everyone is different, but there's no way I could continue to stay in any relationship if I had to snoop...especially if I planned to stay if I "found" anything. Snooping doesn't not stop cheating & if staying after snooping & actually finding something you continue to stay, what was the point of snooping in the first place? It didn't matter, the BS stayed in the marriage & even worse if more than one A...at that point the WS isn't the BS problem, the not being able to get out of a unhealthy relationship is the BS's problem.

 

This is coming from a child of infidelity that watched my mother live that way...her snooping was extremely unhealthy to her own self. Didn't change anything in the relationship, except driving her ownself crazy. Unless a BS is really planning on getting out of the relationship, snooping is completely counterproductive to one's self...IMO