Angry over exchange with father's wife.

[Airwreck]

I'm the product of an affair my mother had with an older man. It's not something I really let be known as I find it embarrassing. My father went nobel at the last second and went back to his family, and we never had much of a relationship. My mom and I moved across the country and he cut ties with me. I did go to dinner with him and his wife a few years ago and it was tense and awkward.

 

He passed about a year ago, and I was told I was going to inherit some land and money. His wife made sure I did not. That's fine, don't need it, don't want it. He did have a collection of guitars, and I asked for one. My brother said I could have my pick, but again his wife got involved and I was told I couldn't have one. Whatever.

 

Currently I'm in their home state, and I went to a party with friends my mom had when we lived here. We walk in this house and there she is. She kept looking at me, and then came over. We greeted each other, and she brought my aunt over to meet me. That was nice I guess. Then she started talking to me asking how I was then she said "oh Eric, you're so handsome you look just like Steven.(her husband, my father)" I thanked her and walked away. Then she kept following me around trying to talk to me. I was just polite. But I was and am mad.

 

I was messing around with a guitar that was there, and she brought up that he played. I know, I asked for one of his guitars and you told me no! She kept reaching out and touching me which just made me feel gross. Then when I went to leave she grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go.

 

I get it. Your husband cheated on you and got a young girl pregnant. That sucks. But why take it out on me? I didn't fight her with the inheritance I was supposed to get and asked nicely for a guitar. She refused to give them to me. But why act all nice? Why touch me? I don't understand and I'm angry.

 

Any insight is appreciated

[Survivor12]

I have a few questions--

 

Who told you that you were to inherit land? Was there a will?

 

Did you ask your father's wife for the guitar directly or mention to someone else that you wanted it?

 

How did she (not your father) treat you when you had dinner together? Have you spoken to her since then?

 

Did she or your father ever reach out to contact you over the years? Did you contact him/them?

 

I'll wait for your response before commenting.

[Airwreck]

I have a few questions--

 

Who told you that you were to inherit land? Was there a will?

 

Did you ask your father's wife for the guitar directly or mention to someone else that you wanted it?

 

How did she (not your father) treat you when you had dinner together? Have you spoken to her since then?

 

Did she or your father ever reach out to contact you over the years? Did you contact him/them?

 

I'll wait for your response before commenting.

 

He did when he called me to tell me he was dying. He said they were getting it all set up. I was under the impression there was a will. I asked my brother for a guitar and he said it would be fine, then told me he was sorry, but she said no. I was about 16 or so when we went to dinner. She barely spoke to me and gave me some dirty looks too. I had my lip pierced and she said it was gross. I didn't even know her! I felt like she was treating me like someone's bad kid, but I'd never done anything to her.

 

No real contact with her outside that. He'd call occasionally, but I never did. I didn't know him, and when I was a child and wanted him he didn't want me. I'm friends with my brother and sister on Facebook, they added me, but I don't talk to them or look at anything they say. My sister likes everything I post... it's a little annoying.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I can't give you insight into the complexities of emotions of a grieving betrayed spouse. However, I do understand how confusing it feels to see someone who resembles a person you love, who has died. There are a range of different emotions which can draw you to that person like a magnet, which is what I believe happened when she saw you recently. I imagine it would be worse if there was alcohol involved.

 

Your very existence is a painful reminder of her husband's betrayal. His memory will always be tarnished because of it. I'm sure she would love to forget, but she is powerless, except for small things, like the withholding the things he promised you, like the land or guitar.

 

As for why she behaved the opposite way when she saw you. I think she was shocked. She said as much by saying "Oh Eric, you're so handsome you look just like Steven". It might have been like seeing a ghost. She held your arm because she didn't want to let go.

 

I understand why this made you feel uncomfortable and confused. All I can suggest is that you forgive her behavior as a grieving widow who has a great deal of baggage and pain that she hasn't been able to deal with.

 

For what it is worth, I think you have handled the whole situation with a lot of dignity and kindness.

[Survivor12]

He did when he called me to tell me he was dying. He said they were getting it all set up. I was under the impression there was a will. I asked my brother for a guitar and he said it would be fine, then told me he was sorry, but she said no. I was about 16 or so when we went to dinner. She barely spoke to me and gave me some dirty looks too. I had my lip pierced and she said it was gross. I didn't even know her! I felt like she was treating me like someone's bad kid, but I'd never done anything to her.

 

No real contact with her outside that. He'd call occasionally, but I never did. I didn't know him, and when I was a child and wanted him he didn't want me. I'm friends with my brother and sister on Facebook, they added me, but I don't talk to them or look at anything they say. My sister likes everything I post... it's a little annoying.

 

Thank you for answering my questions.

 

First, let me say that I am very sorry for the disappointment and emotional distress that you have suffered. My mother was also born as the result of an affair and I know the pain that it caused her throughout her life so while I have not experienced it myself, I can relate to what you are feeling.

 

Sadly, it is possible that your father never followed through with his promise of "setting things up" for you to inherit the land. If he did not have a will, his wife would become beneficiary by law.

 

In regard to the guitar, your brother told you that "she said no" to your request, but perhaps she wasn't made aware of it--or of it's importance to you.

 

As the previous poster said, to your father's wife, you are a reminder of his betrayal. If you cannot feel her pain, how is she expected to feel yours? Look, it's up to you whether or not you want to associate with your half siblings or their mother, but I do urge you to remember that they aren't responsible for your father's actions.

 

As for your father's wife--you don't really even know her so you have no way to know what she is feeling. Her life with your father wasn't all sunshine and roses, you know? I encourage you to cut her some slack--for your own peace of mind.

 

I truly wish you the best in finding it.

[Airwreck]

I woke up to a message from my brother asking if I would go to dinner with all of them tonight. No. Why should I go if they can't do something simple for me? As a side note, he collected guitars, so I know there's more than one. If that weren't the case I wouldn't be so bitter about it.

 

I'm not saying she has to like me, accept me, or that I don't cause her pain, but to deny me things and then grab me and follow me around is uncalled for. I didn't deserve that, I don't know her and I don't owe her anything.

 

To the poster that praised the way I handled things, thank you. I would behave this way if I saw her again too. Because my mom is a very nice woman. I aspire to be as kind and as gracious as she is to people. You know, she had an affair, but she's the first person to own up to it and say it was wrong. She was in her teens at the time, but never uses that as an excuse. If she found out I was rude, she would be disappointed and that would make me sad.

[Airwreck]

My sister has been messaging me all day asking if we can get together. Ugh. We've never met before, and I've never had the desire to meet her, I've never met my brother either. I don't understand what their fascination is with me.

[Miss Clavel]

I'm the product of an affair my mother had with an older man. It's not something I really let be known as I find it embarrassing. My father went nobel at the last second and went back to his family, and we never had much of a relationship. My mom and I moved across the country and he cut ties with me. I did go to dinner with him and his wife a few years ago and it was tense and awkward.

 

He passed about a year ago, and I was told I was going to inherit some land and money. His wife made sure I did not. That's fine, don't need it, don't want it. He did have a collection of guitars, and I asked for one. My brother said I could have my pick, but again his wife got involved and I was told I couldn't have one. Whatever.

 

Currently I'm in their home state, and I went to a party with friends my mom had when we lived here. We walk in this house and there she is. She kept looking at me, and then came over. We greeted each other, and she brought my aunt over to meet me. That was nice I guess. Then she started talking to me asking how I was then she said "oh Eric, you're so handsome you look just like Steven.(her husband, my father)" I thanked her and walked away. Then she kept following me around trying to talk to me. I was just polite. But I was and am mad.

 

I was messing around with a guitar that was there, and she brought up that he played. I know, I asked for one of his guitars and you told me no! She kept reaching out and touching me which just made me feel gross. Then when I went to leave she grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go.

 

I get it. Your husband cheated on you and got a young girl pregnant. That sucks. But why take it out on me? I didn't fight her with the inheritance I was supposed to get and asked nicely for a guitar. She refused to give them to me. But why act all nice? Why touch me? I don't understand and I'm angry.

 

Any insight is appreciated

 

she wanted you to know that she "owns" you bio father. even after he's gone. you can use that, play it, one of two ways.

 

work her to get what your dad intended you to get, by reminding her that the reason you remind her so much of her husband is because you two were a lot alike, you both have honor(his was a bit late but i digress). like him, you keep your word(vows, again, late) and if you promise something, you deliver. maybe throw in that you feel like until she delivers his intentions that he won't "rest easy". tell her that you know he would feel bad that you were left with nothing but his DNA. which is what i call a "two-fer, you get a dig about her selfish greed while reminding her she can't take away your paternity, try as she might.

 

she's lonely, looking back on her life and her choices. she's seems to think that she had some say in the choice your mother made. she wants to keep controlling your mom and you by withholding your fathers love. he did love you, in some way, and clearly cared that you knew it, by "leaving" you some part of himself.

 

which is good news because she can't keep the fact that he wanted you to know he loved music, the guitar and that he appreciated open land and investing in the future.

 

i suspect that there is more he intended you to have. why else would people you having nothing in common with, anymore, wanting to know you, NOW!?? not before, when you could have used sibblings, child support, a family? you're supposed to forgive and forget even tho she never has, never will?

 

oh, hell no.

 

tell her to piss off and go f herself with the guitar.

 

which is what i would do. what a loon. still going on about something that you had no part in. way way back. stay away from them, they rob you and they want to break bread with you??

 

as we say down here, she can piss up a rope. hopefully on camera to the tune of a guitar playing.

 

 

good luck

Edited December 5, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[doyathinkso]

Guy, I think you're causing a lot more damage to yourself than you need to. Sure, you're resentful, but, hold on a minute here. Seems to me as if they're trying to extend the olive branch to you, albeit hesitantly.

 

I don't think you know the whole story here and are substituting some construct of the situation that you've cobbled together out of your resentment. I don't think that the WHOLE family is to blame. Perhaps it was just one individual who has manipulated the situation, maybe to protect their inheritance? Just who was your conduit of communication? Maybe he miscommunicated, omitted communication, and just plain lied to BOTH sides to further his own ends.

 

Suck it up like a man and grab the olive branch for a bit. Talk to all the family members yourself and see how it goes.

 

What have you got to lose????

[Airwreck]

Well, I'm not too keen on meeting with them because I have nothing to say to them. I don't want to listen to them talk about their dad or the happy childhoods they had with him because he obviously didn't want that with me. I really don't care about the money or property because I don't live here and really am not interested in money. I was interested in having one of his guitars. It's a nice collection. I'd spoken to him about it and I've seen pictures of them that my brother put up. The one I asked for is one I've wanted for years. I guess with the cash I could buy a new one but that wasn't the point...

 

I am relenting though and going to dinner with them tomorrow. I figure it'll get my sister to leave me alone. At least I hope it does.

[Airwreck]

Dinner was weird. My sister, her husband, my brother and his wife, and then their mom showed up. Everyone stared at me almost the whole time. I just tried to be polite, but i did make some not so subtle remarks about the guitar.

 

My sister kept touching me too... maybe I'm in the wrong but why touch someone you don't know? That's just weird. Then when we were done she hugged me tight. I just think it's strange. Why would someone do that?

 

Then when I got home I was tagged in some sappy Facebook post about how much I remind her of her dad and it was like being at dinner with him. That made me uncomfortable as well, now I have tons of people trying to be friends with me on there. I suspect most of them are related to me, but still. One lady wrote me and thanked me for being so nice to the woman that is my aunt. apparently she's my cousin or something and it meant a lot to my aunt that i was so nice...

 

But Why no interest until now? Why deny me my inheritance and go to dinner with me? Why when I asked for one thing would they deny it and then try to be my friends? Am I missing something here?

[anna121]

They are clearly highly conflicted and emotional, and your resemblance to your late father is heightening everything.

 

Nonetheless, the way they are acting is tactless and inconsiderate of your feelings. You are not your father, obviously, and they are not your instant family. They could be a family of sorts to you, though. One day. That could be a benefit, or not.

 

For now, I would suggest being polite but distant. You may wish to explain that this is a lot to take in and you need some time. If you do decide to pursue it, try something way less heavy. Like, say, a one-on-one coffee with your brother, alone.

 

You may also want to consider talking to a professional to sort out your feelings.

 

I feel for you. Good luck.

[Airwreck]

They are clearly highly conflicted and emotional, and your resemblance to your late father is heightening everything.

 

Nonetheless, the way they are acting is tactless and inconsiderate of your feelings. You are not your father, obviously, and they are not your instant family. They could be a family of sorts to you, though. One day. That could be a benefit, or not.

 

For now, I would suggest being polite but distant. You may wish to explain that this is a lot to take in and you need some time. If you do decide to pursue it, try something way less heavy. Like, say, a one-on-one coffee with your brother, alone.

 

You may also want to consider talking to a professional to sort out your feelings.

 

I feel for you. Good luck.

 

Thank you. I usually talk to my mom about this kind of stuff, but with this I haven't. I know she still feels horrible about the situation, and I don't want to inflict that pain on her. I didn't even tell her I saw my father's wife. There's no need to go there. Without her guidance though this has been hard...