My letter of closure

[Pamela]

I just thought I'd post a copy of a letter I mailed to Jason on Monday, my ex teacher who I was briefly involved with when I was in my late teens. He later came out of the closet and married a man and we stayed friends over the years.

 

Here it is:

 

Dear Jason,

 

I don't know why I'm bothering to write you this letter because I realized and understood that you are not really a true friend towards me even though you claim to be. I've known you longer than Stan (his partener) and most of your newly aquired gay circle club friends, so I think I deserve the same courtesy and respect as them. After all, I am not that far away from them, being bisexual myself with a predominant "hetero" disposition.

 

First of all, the fact that you commented on the fact that I am the only friend of yours who talks so much is inconsiderate and condescending as it hints that you obviously don't like talking to me, or else you would never say something like that. Again, as I mentioned yesterday, that remark perfectly illustrates the "onesidedness" (inequality)of our so-called friendship, the onesidedness being on my side, of course.

 

Then you went on to say that in the future you would have to time our phone conversations because a few weeks ago when we spoke, you realized that our conversation had lasted over an hour and a half, and from now on you would have to put a time limit on our conversations. That comment illustrates beautifully just how rigid and anal you've become. We hardly ever talked since the fall of 2000! Naturally conversations with people you haven't seen or spoken to in a long time are going to be longer than ones you talk to on a regular basis.

 

When I do talk to you about certain difficulties in my life(those are some of the things friends talk about, by the way) you never fail to ask me, "Have you thougth about talking to Dr. Konigsberg about this?" as if to subltly suggest in a covered condescending manner (I pick up what you are really think of me)that I need psychological help in a big way. Every time I talk to you it feels like you are silently thinking of me as a sick person, and I find this very off-putting.

 

Most people all have dysfunctional aspects to their personalities, and real friends like each other for their quirks and oddities. You have grown to the point now where you don't appreciate these qualities in me, or you look at them as being something to "fix". I used to like your quirkiness, but now you have become too "generically homogonized" and conservative for me.

 

Looking back on our past relationship I realize that you were never really interested in what I had to say and we never really shared a common dialogue or understanding. Reading over some of my old diaries I see just how superficial our relationship was, yet you always said to me, "Our love is the highest kind because it is spiritual".

 

Bull----!(sorry) If that were true from the beginning of our aquaintance you never would have opened up your doors (invited me over to your house)when I was at such an impressionable age (15, I have it recorded in my diary)KNOWING that I had an infatuation for you. You would have been smarter than that because you KNEW how I was a very lonely misguided teen-ager just looking for someone to latch onto emotionally. You knew I couldn't handle the boundaries of teacher-stundent in school after we had spent time alone having deeply personal conversations ALONE at your house. Why did you ever encourage me to "come over whenever I wanted" in the first place? (weren't you supposed to be the "responsible one?)

 

Now, some 15 years later you are putting in boundaries you should have put in then, and it is no wonder why I am feeling upset and betrayed.

 

I don't mean to "accuse" you of anything or make you feel bad. I just think it is time we started talking about real issues here and things that matter instead of alwayws making it sound like I am the one who talks too much or is "spilling our my poison". Lets get real for a change.

 

Now if you want to continue being my friend it is going to have to be on different grounds (terms) than right now. I can no longer accept always being the person to initiate contact because that is not what a friendship is about. And it is also not about you conatacting me only when you want me to perform and one of your musical soiree evenings!

 

So Jason, I leave the ball in your court now as I am not going to contact you again.

 

Pamela

 

PS. I think you should show Stanely this letter

[Tony T]

This is not a letter of closure. It is a letter in which you got your feelings out but closure means closure. You have left the door wide open for him to continue using you. Read your last few paragraphs.

 

When you want closure, tell him NOT to contact you ever again.

 

I simply cannot understand why you want to leave the door open for a guy who only a few days ago you wanted to have investigated and put in jail for statutory rape and contributing to the deliquency of a minor, the former of which could...if proven...get him 25 or more years in jail.

 

You need this guy for a friend like I need a bald head. When you write a real letter of closure, we'd love to see it.

 

I think your letter here was good and served the purpose of letting him know how you feel. That is certainly part of your healing. But he has been really nasty to you and you just need to END IT FOR ALL TIME with him...and you just don't seem willing to do that.

 

Please, for your sake, don't drag this on forever!

[sparkle]

Pamela,

 

I have to agree with Tony. This isn't a letter of "closure".

 

Forget about this guy, forget about even writing him a letter, and just MOVE ON. That's the best closure you can give yourself. He doesn't deserve to get a letter from you. He doesn't deserve an explanation whatsoever. And he definitely doesn't deserve you asking him to still be friends with you.

 

It's what you DON'T say that really makes a difference, not what you say. Don't contact him ever again or call him or return any of his phone calls. That is the best way to end this all. I don't understand how you would want to be friends with someone that did all these things to you!

 

Or maybe you are one of those people that don't like to get out of situations that make them unhappy, or who won't get away from people who hurt them.