Going on 6 weeks NC with xMM

[FoundMyStrength]

Hi -- I'm a recent lurker who is so thankful to have found this site. Over the summer, I became involved in a mostly EA (one-time PA) with a married man. The way we met is through a very unique (and potentially identifying) work situation, so I will be vague in saying that the EA lasted for an intense 2.5 to 3 months, followed by long-distance LC for a month (lots of I miss yous and I love yous and of course we can be "friends" once we take a little break).

 

While in LC, I fortunately discovered this forum and all of you OW's and xMM's who have been through the ringer and are trying to support others on this painful path. From listening to your stories, it became clear that this affair would only lead to more and more guilt, shame, and emotional damage (all around). I went full NC about 6 weeks ago, and feel so much stronger, more peaceful, and able to move forward with my life.

 

Do I miss him? Yes. Do I still love him? Unfortunately, yes. But the guilt and shame began to overwhelm all of that. I had to confront that I was doing the very thing that hurt my own mother so much (my father was the worst form of serial adulterer). I can't take back the past, but I can move forward in a way that causes no more harm to him, his wife, or their marriage.

 

I've heard people say that xMM always come back. Knowing my xMM, I would not put this past him (he has an obsessive, addictive streak, as do I), but I really hope that he does not. So far, he hasn't (not a peep), and I see that as I sign of respect for me and my decision. And, if he does, I'm guessing I'll be running here for support in staying NC.

[Chica80]

keep up the good work

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

You've done a lot right, but you really need to block all the avenues he could use to contact you.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

You're doing great.

 

 

Take care.

[freengreen]

5 weeks NC. Hard. Crossing fingers and betting on time. EA aswell.

 

Last time he reached after 5 months, this time its different, I had a D Day. I want to close the shop forever and never look back. But somewhere theres an itch that he should come back and I talk him out of each others life .. joke of the century, yes.

 

I know I must not be expecting him back but for now, I am, to say a no to him. Hopefully, after few more weeks, everything fades. It happened last time , I just remembered him as a memory, had no everyday pain, well he dragged me back in after 6 montgs of NC ( crazy me).

Edited December 4, 2016 by freengreen

[FoundMyStrength]

5 weeks NC. Hard. Crossing fingers and betting on time. EA aswell.

 

Last time he reached after 5 months, this time its different, I had a D Day. I want to close the shop forever and never look back. But somewhere theres an itch that he should come back and I talk him out of each others life .. joke of the century, yes.

 

I know I must not be expecting him back but for now, I am, to say a no to him. Hopefully, after few more weeks, everything fades. It happened last time , I just remembered him as a memory, had no everyday pain, well he dragged me back in after 6 montgs of NC ( crazy me).

 

Yes, so very hard! I'm still working on getting to the strict NC that Satu describes. I've blocked him on most things, but there is an avenue or two that remains open. No chance I will use it, but he could. I'm getting there, though.

 

I can't believe your guy returned after 5 months NC...what must they be thinking to do that? I guess, thinking more about themselves and their needs, not ours. I feel lucky my xMM now lives quite far away. I don't know if I would have found the strength to end it if he were still living nearby. There has been no DDay in my case.

 

The one worry I have is that there is a chance he may return to the area (for work). If there's ever a time he would reach out, it would be then. But, like your first NC, my xMM is becoming more and more a memory with each passing day. And, with each passing day, I'm getting more and more of my self-esteem back, which makes me unwilling to ever be second choice again. I gave up so much of my power and strength to this man. Now that I've taken it back, I feel very unwilling to go there again.

[freengreen]

Yes, so very hard! I'm still working on getting to the strict NC that Satu describes. I've blocked him on most things, but there is an avenue or two that remains open. No chance I will use it, but he could. I'm getting there, though.

 

I can't believe your guy returned after 5 months NC...what must they be thinking to do that? I guess, thinking more about themselves and their needs, not ours. I feel lucky my xMM now lives quite far away. I don't know if I would have found the strength to end it if he were still living nearby. There has been no DDay in my case.

 

The one worry I have is that there is a chance he may return to the area (for work). If there's ever a time he would reach out, it would be then. But, like your first NC, my xMM is becoming more and more a memory with each passing day. And, with each passing day, I'm getting more and more of my self-esteem back, which makes me unwilling to ever be second choice again. I gave up so much of my power and strength to this man. Now that I've taken it back, I feel very unwilling to go there again.

 

I think they miss the attention. Thats that, like you said they actually dont care much, they leave us alone to pick pieces, we somehow stick them all up only for them to come back and break the vase again... what the eff.

 

Good that you are getting your strength back... I am getting there but I can stop feeling guilty and stupid on all the 'teenage texting' i did with him, God!.. silly videos ( nothing explicit but very silly)...and I was always the 'composed and practical' of all the herd since a child... I feel like rewind and delete. Very embarassing.

Edited December 5, 2016 by freengreen

[FoundMyStrength]

I think they miss the attention. Thats that, like you said they actually dont care much, they leave us alone to pick pieces, we somehow stick them all up only for them to come back and break the vase again... what the eff.

 

Good that you are getting your strength back... I am getting there but I can stop feeling guilty and stupid on all the 'teenage texting' i did with him, God!.. silly videos ( nothing explicit but very silly)...and I was always the 'composed and practical' of all the herd since a child... I feel like rewind and delete. Very embarassing.

 

They do leave us to pick up the pieces, don't they? What surprised me the most during our LC was how he focused all the attention on how he was adjusting to our being part. Whether he was happy, unhappy, getting counseling, etc. Not once did he ever ask how I was doing. Whether I was upset, in pain, sad.

 

Ditto on the teenage texting. One time during LC I reread some of our chats. I didn't even recognize myself in some of the things I said to him. It was like I turned I into an alien for several months.

[freengreen]

They do leave us to pick up the pieces, don't they? What surprised me the most during our LC was how he focused all the attention on how he was adjusting to our being part. Whether he was happy, unhappy, getting counseling, etc. Not once did he ever ask how I was doing. Whether I was upset, in pain, sad.

 

Ditto on the teenage texting. One time during LC I reread some of our chats. I didn't even recognize myself in some of the things I said to him. It was like I turned I into an alien for several months.

word to word..I could have written it myself.. Gosh how I thought my story was unique..

[FoundMyStrength]

This is so hard. I've spent the last hour debating whether to reach out to xMM. Something happened in the area where he lives, and I wanted so much to reach out and ask him how he is doing, express relief that he's okay. I came *this close* to picking up my phone and sending a message. I know that this is no longer my concern, but it's so hard to just shut off my feelings. I do care, and if it were any other person, I would send a message. It's so hard to not have that connection anymore, to force myself to not express how much I care.

 

But just this one hour has brought back so much of the pain of this. I won't. I can't.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is so hard. I've spent the last hour debating whether to reach out to xMM. Something happened in the area where he lives, and I wanted so much to reach out and ask him how he is doing, express relief that he's okay. I came *this close* to picking up my phone and sending a message. I know that this is no longer my concern, but it's so hard to just shut off my feelings. I do care, and if it were any other person, I would send a message. It's so hard to not have that connection anymore, to force myself to not express how much I care.

 

But just this one hour has brought back so much of the pain of this. I won't. I can't.

 

If he cared, he would have reached out to you. But he didn't. Because he doesn't.

 

Mine came back after 5 months too. They always come back. But it's just for sex and the 2nd time around they do not spend all that time with the lovebombing, they try right for the physical stuff as they feel you are already groomed.

 

I'm feeling like you are single. It is the holiday season. Go out and mingle, it's the perfect time. All the single guys have their light on. Forget this guy.

[Poppy47]

This is so hard. I've spent the last hour debating whether to reach out to xMM. Something happened in the area where he lives, and I wanted so much to reach out and ask him how he is doing, express relief that he's okay. I came *this close* to picking up my phone and sending a message. I know that this is no longer my concern, but it's so hard to just shut off my feelings. I do care, and if it were any other person, I would send a message. It's so hard to not have that connection anymore, to force myself to not express how much I care.

 

But just this one hour has brought back so much of the pain of this. I won't. I can't.

 

Care if you must but don't pick up the phone. Feel anxious about him and fret but write it on LS

It doesn't matter if a Tsunami picked him up and threw him into outer space. He is somebody in your past but not in your present.

 

Keep going,

Poppy.

[FoundMyStrength]

Thanks, Midnight and Poppy, for the support (and kick in the pants). I did end up going out last night with a friend, and I left my cell phone home for good measure.

 

I'm not quite there yet, but I think I need to start thinking about him exactly the way Poppy described, as somebody in my past. It reminds me of that song that came out a while back with the line "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." It's a hard switch, but a necessary one.

[drypuddle]

Thanks, Midnight and Poppy, for the support (and kick in the pants). I did end up going out last night with a friend, and I left my cell phone home for good measure.

 

I'm not quite there yet, but I think I need to start thinking about him exactly the way Poppy described, as somebody in my past. It reminds me of that song that came out a while back with the line "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." It's a hard switch, but a necessary one.

 

Happy to read you didn't give in to your temptations of contacting him. I think it's great that you were able to go out with a friend and leave your phone at home. Whatever gets you through!

 

It does help to start thinking of him as someone in your past. I think of mine as a colossal mistake. I find a lot of inspiration in music too. The latest is Walk by Foo Fighters.

 

Learning to walk again

I believe I've waited long enough

Where do I begin

[FoundMyStrength]

I think of mine as a colossal mistake.

 

This is where I'm slowing getting to. When I think back to that time, I don't even recognize myself. How could I have lost my mind like that? How could I have been so stupid?

[drypuddle]

A friend of mine sent me a meme this morning...

 

"You were an unpleasant memory; now you're my reminder. You're my reminder to be more cautious of the people who I invest my time in. You're my reminder to see people for who they are and not for who I want them to be. You're my reminder to fall in love with people for how they treat me, not what they tell me. But if by chance I do fall for the wrong person again, you're my reminder that I can survive the worst."