learningtolive Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Trying to get over the guy I was with dumping me out of the blue after 6 years, we are both 23. It has been 2 weeks and everytime I hear nothing from him I am slowly giving up and hardening my heart to any reconciliation or speaking to him ever again. I feel like I never meant anything to him for 6 years I devoted myself to him for what? I would have worked through anything with him. He has been in college these past years, and has not been that happy but I stuck by him, when he got a job a few weeks ago, I was excited said we could go on little holiday or start making plans for once, but he started acting different. He was happier but not asking to see me at all hardly, or contacting me, or maybe just texting me every once in a while when I'd be asking where he has been just replying that I am cute or he loves me. Yet wanted to spend no time together. He disappeared for 3 days didn't bother to contact me, when I saw him eventually one night, he seemed excited to see me, kept telling me to say I love him on the phone, I didn't want to ended up just saying see you soon. He ended up being 30 mins. He had nothing organised other than going drinking, was not in the mood, and was p*ssed off that he had basically stopped hanging out with me since his life had got better. I asked him why he has become so distant, I was confused and wanted to understand? he told me he was doing this and that with friends, that were not married, to stop b*tching, that he should have brought his friend so I didn't bring this up, he ended up walking around real slow around the city, and said there is no point in this, we ended up calling it a night, as we were both miserable at this point, he told me to stop focusing on him, to go make friends, it felt like a stab in the stomach when I had been there for him so much, when I could have easily walked away, but stuck out really horrible times with him. We didn't speak in the car on the way home. 2 mins from my home he said this isn't working out casually, no emotion. Did he dump me out of the blue because I was trying to communicate and be open in the relationship, and figure out the problem? 2 weeks later no contact, doesn't even care to ask if I am ok? Do you think he even thinks of me? or just doesn't care? I am shocked that I spent 6 years with someone who is capable of just discarding me like yesterdays rubbish. What do you think caused this? I still don't get it, and feel he used me to make his miserable life easier? Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 I'm so sorry you're hurting. Dumpings rarely come out of the blue. It sounds like your relationship had more than it's fair share of problems, so the potential to break up would have been there. The fact you describe the years as confusing is significant. Thing is, communication won't solve everything - especially if you want different things from your lives. Being there for someone through all their trials shouldn't oblige them to stay with you. It sounds like the two of you have changed in very different directions since you first got together in your teens. It's time now to heal. Then spread your wings and see what else the world has to offer without him. Who knows....you may even find a guy who's life is easy and pleasant to be part of Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 (edited) Like basil67 said, it didn't happen out of the blue. You were together for 6 years. I believe he's young and wanting to live different things, he wants to be free, and you seem to be kinda clingy/needy. If you in fact don't have friends or a life your own, then it might be the cause. Use the break up in your favor; go out there, meet new people, make friends, start new hobbies, work on your studies/career... bottom line: work on yourself. Transform yourself into an independent woman, who doesn't have to devote themselves to anyone. Meanwhile, show him that you actually don't give a F, even if you do, and go No Contact. Edited July 3, 2016 by juniorrocha 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoveBelow92 Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Like basil67 said, it didn't happen out of the blue. You were together for 6 years. I believe he's young and wanting to live different things, he wants to be free, and you seem to be kinda clingy/needy. If you in fact don't have friends or a life your own, then it might be the cause. Use the break up in your favor; go out there, meet new people, make friends, start new hobbies, work on your studies/career... bottom line: work on yourself. Transform yourself into an independent woman, who doesn't have to devote themselves to anyone. Meanwhile, show him that you actually don't give a F, even if you do, and go No Contact. I found this on the harsh kind of things but in reality they are right and maybe its what you need to hear... i kinda of fabricated how my ex felt after we broke up to subconsciously soften the blow on me which kind of prolonged things by quite a bit... All you have to do is dont think to far ahead just day by day and work on you a tiny bit at a time because when you look back in weeks or months to come you will see a big difference in you and thats what you need. Self confidence and self worth in any sense will make a huge to difference to you and people will see it in time too Link to post Share on other sites
Author learningtolive Posted July 4, 2016 Author Share Posted July 4, 2016 I regretfully revolved my life around his for 6 years. It was emotionally abusive, am trying to work on my self esteem after it was battered for years. I am starting to realize in many ways this is a good thing that I was dumped. It did blindside me and I never thought I would be without him, it is forcing me to deal with my social anxiety and problems which I suppressed while with him. I realize it was a very unhealthy and toxic relationship, that was doomed from the start. I was constantly trying to fix a broken relationship that was never going to heal, as he never wanted to heal or work on anything with me. I am now on my own trying to heal myself. I started going to a counselor once a week, to try and better myself, and become much stronger emotionally. Apart from that, I don't have anything going on, and was wondering where you would start? How I can feel better about myself? It terrifies me to go to a meetup group or something, I want to take baby steps? I don't know if I am even at a place to make friends yet, but want to work towards that? Really appreciate any help and suggestions, thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
BelleSkye Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 Take a course (cooking, admin, makeup, hairdressing etc) or start studying again to get a degree? Learn a new skill? Painting, playing an instrument or singing / dance classes? Search 'Meet-up' over the internet and join groups that interest you. Buy the right types of food and eat healthily or appropriately. Join the gym or take group exercise classes? Lots to do when you have the right attitude and mind frame to want to start again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author learningtolive Posted December 4, 2016 Author Share Posted December 4, 2016 (edited) So I went out for my ex for 6 years. He had this friend for about 2 of the last years I was with him, that caused a lot of trouble because he refused to let me meet her saying I am jealous and would act crazy, always some excuse. He would tell me inappropriate things, such as she would touch him, dressed provocatively etc... the fact he ended up not doing anything about it and demanded to keep seeing her, ended the relationship between him and I, amongst other things that were involved. I hadn't had anything to do with him for about months, then we met a few times, it seemed he was trying to work through things, I ended up staying over at his place. Something just didn't feel right, I ended up going on his facebook and found out he said to his friend, "she stayed here for about 2 nights, we cuddled and touched and everything, we stayed in the same bed and slept beside eachother, I kept getting boners all night, I touched her ass, but she ended up saying go back to sleep Alex" the conversation kept going on with his friend saying to treat her better " I already treat her like a princess" but am going to treat her even better now I read conversation between him and her that were very suggestive "you know how good I am with my hands " he says" she laughs and goes " I know you are" she invites him over all the time and he jumps at the chance. I confronted him and he denied everything and said it was a joke and he is not attracted to her at all, he calle me a drama queen, crazy etc...he was not embarassed, and only cared about where I read that from. was I right all along?After reading what I did, I left and decided I don't want anything more to do with him, He keeps calling me and trying to talk, and will not leave me alone. I can't block numbers, but he makes my skins crawl at this point, I could never trust him after this, even if he did stop having anything to do with her, he doesn't see anything he did wrong. What a waste of 6 years, so depressed, how could he do this? I was nothing but loyal, supportive throughout 4 years of his college, this semester has been a mess because of all this to the point where I may have to repeat. I have been as patient as possible, but any little thing I did wrong he throws in my face, he started working 6 months ago and since then he has turned into more of a horrible person, he says it is all my fault because I am still in college, while he is independent etc...I want to forget him completely but I can't. I feel emotionally tortured. There was a job position that opened where he worked, he knows I need the money and experience and could have easily helped me get it, I am glad he didn't because I could not work with him. But he didn't tell me about it and says he wouldn't allow me to work there, because they need hard workers, I can't believe what a nasty person he is. It is like he wanted to make my life hell. Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted December 4, 2016 Share Posted December 4, 2016 The pain of a break doesn't last forever.... some words of strength I hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 (edited) So I went out for my ex for 6 years. He had this friend for about 2 of the last years I was with him, that caused a lot of trouble because he refused to let me meet her saying I am jealous and would act crazy, always some excuse. He would tell me inappropriate things, such as she would touch him, dressed provocatively etc... the fact he ended up not doing anything about it and demanded to keep seeing her, ended the relationship between him and I, amongst other things that were involved. I hadn't had anything to do with him for about months, then we met a few times, it seemed he was trying to work through things, I ended up staying over at his place. Something just didn't feel right, I ended up going on his facebook and found out he said to his friend, "she stayed here for about 2 nights, we cuddled and touched and everything, we stayed in the same bed and slept beside eachother, I kept getting boners all night, I touched her ass, but she ended up saying go back to sleep Alex" the conversation kept going on with his friend saying to treat her better " I already treat her like a princess" but am going to treat her even better now I read conversation between him and her that were very suggestive "you know how good I am with my hands " he says" she laughs and goes " I know you are" she invites him over all the time and he jumps at the chance. I confronted him and he denied everything and said it was a joke and he is not attracted to her at all, he calle me a drama queen, crazy etc...he was not embarassed, and only cared about where I read that from. was I right all along?After reading what I did, I left and decided I don't want anything more to do with him, He keeps calling me and trying to talk, and will not leave me alone. I can't block numbers, but he makes my skins crawl at this point, I could never trust him after this, even if he did stop having anything to do with her, he doesn't see anything he did wrong. What a waste of 6 years, so depressed, how could he do this? you need a mantra. a phrase that you say over and over and over, 100 times a day. something like...''it's over thee end, or i'm worth more, or never go backwards". just think one up and use it. im sure that it will help you start to let go. because you will have to let go before you can move on. how well you let go of all of it, will determine how soon you can move on. do not change your mind, ever. good luck Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 You lasted 6 years with this dude? The person you just described is immature, selfish, rude, inconsiderate, cruel, ignorant, controlling.......shall I go on? Just flick him off for good, please. You mentioned you may have to repeat a semester, so please think hard about what that indicates. This person is a bad influence in your life, he's draining you, sucking the positive out of you, stealing your happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 self-help articles to help you break free. Number one, cut off all contact and stay NC ... he is using a technique on you called gaslighting. Here is one good article on relationships with a narcissistic person: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201506/4-steps-leave-narcissist Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 be to remain in no contact: The Effects of Gaslighting on Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 I don't think I could ever trust him again. But was thinking of contacting her over facebook saying: I know you don't me, but I am Alex's ex, we met once at the band practice? Look I know there was a lot more to the relationship than just friends, I've seen the msgs between you and him, him and his friends, and heard a lot of stories from him, I would appreciate woman to woman if you could tell me what really happened? I need to move on and your information would help me a lot. I could be ignored/ could get angry at/ she could tell my ex and we could never speak again/ I could be made out to look crazy, but I think I need to do this to find out the truth? learningtolive, As your handle points out you are young. One lesson to learn is that you do not waist energy on bad people. Your Ex, and what ever she was to him are just bad people. Why would you really want to keep being involved in their lifes? Your life is really too short. Take it from one who has much less time then you. Time flys. Do not give them a second of your time, best revenge is to move on as if they were nothing. Go out and find the love of your life. He's out there. Use your EX and his friend, as a yardstick, of what not to accept in a partner, lover and spouse. Here is a link that may help. How to Cut Toxic People Out of Your Life | The Art of Manliness I wish you luck........ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author learningtolive Posted December 8, 2016 Author Share Posted December 8, 2016 Thank you, this is a lovely response. You know your right, but before I read your message, I thought it was the right thing to contact this woman and I contacted and reached out to the other woman via fbook, and in short very calmly told her I know what has been going on, and would appreciate if she would tell me what he was doing? because he has deceived me so many times now. I told her it will help me come to a final decision. I am now feeling really embarassed by this and am starting to regret messaging her? I just wanted answers, answers he wouldn't give me. Now I don't care though. I don't care about any of it. Link to post Share on other sites
sadwife48 Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 I'll never understand why women cannot talk in a situation like this? I tried to reach out to my husband's OW, but she just blocked me. All I said is "let's be friends"... Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 I don't think I could ever trust him again. But was thinking of contacting her over facebook saying: I know you don't me, but I am Alex's ex, we met once at the band practice? Look I know there was a lot more to the relationship than just friends, I've seen the msgs between you and him, him and his friends, and heard a lot of stories from him, I would appreciate woman to woman if you could tell me what really happened? I need to move on and your information would help me a lot. I could be ignored/ could get angry at/ she could tell my ex and we could never speak again/ I could be made out to look crazy, but I think I need to do this to find out the truth? Leave it alone, especially if you are done with him. It is likely that she won't tell the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Thank you, this is a lovely response. You know your right, but before I read your message, I thought it was the right thing to contact this woman and I contacted and reached out to the other woman via fbook, and in short very calmly told her I know what has been going on, and would appreciate if she would tell me what he was doing? because he has deceived me so many times now. I told her it will help me come to a final decision. I am now feeling really embarassed by this and am starting to regret messaging her? I just wanted answers, answers he wouldn't give me. Now I don't care though. I don't care about any of it. You have all the answers you need. You know he was cheating on you with at least one woman. You know it was emotional as well as physical to some degree or another. That's all you need to know. The rest is silence. I'll never understand why women cannot talk in a situation like this? I tried to reach out to my husband's OW, but she just blocked me. All I said is "let's be friends"... I did! My first BF and first lover cheated on me. She became pregnant and didn't know who the father was, so they had to tell me just in case it was my BF. She and I talked. Turned out, we had a lot in common. We both dumped my exBF and we became friends after I said my piece. I helped her through her pregnancy, she ended up getting close with my family, and eventually met and married my Uncle. They've been married for over 20 years now and she's still one of my best friends on Earth. I also talked with a couple of my ExH's OW. None of them and I ever developed a friendship, but I did make them aware that I didn't wish them harm. The way I figured it, they weren't my problem. He was. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) Your ex is just trying to blame his bad behaviour on the OW. It doesn't matter what the OW did because nothing she did justifies his lying and cheating. Even if everything he says about the OW is true he is still a liar and cheater. He seems to be saying that he only got rid of her (if he did) because she conned him. So what if she hadn't conned him? Then he would think lying and cheating are okay things to do. Doesn't matter what the OW tells you, your ex is dishonest, disloyal, and untrustworthy. < moderator edit: thread closed to avoid confusion with this concurrent thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/605367-my-ex-seems-want-get-back-me-i-don-t-understand > Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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