Other women as a possession

[Scorpio Chick]

My mind has been actively and passively processing what I was to the man I got involved with and what OW who come to LS in pain were to the MM they got involved with.

 

I know one thing, there are A LOT of us. I've never been married and while I 'feel' like maybe I'm missing out, I'm also filled with relief that I don't have to worry about my husband cheating on me because I am starting to believe deeply that more men cheat and seek to cheat, than do not.

 

While it's not new, it does seem to be increasing.

 

My title means that I believe men specifically seek out affairs to get an affair partner, as a possession. They do it to add to their personal resume of accomplishments. What else explains a MM strongly flirting with a woman other than his wife? Then when the affair is underway, the woman is told he will never divorce.

 

But we don't walk away. What is going on? Am I just realizing a basic fact of life that everyone else has known all along?

 

I have so many thoughts on this I just don't know where to start. But it's clear to me that the guy in my story had no good intentions and while I can't be applauded for my involvement, at the least, at the very, very least, I wasn't using him.

[drypuddle]

I don't know that he saw me as a possession but he was certainly jealousy and constantly afraid he would lose me. For me, the level of jealousy he showed meant that he really cared for me, and that was the feeling I loved most. Being cared for. The emotion so clearly written on his face when we would talk about his moments of jealousy... that show of emotion was addicting. A lot of my hobbies are more geared towards the male gender so I have a lot of male friends ... this was something that was tough for him to handle. Anyway, he emoted all of his feelings so well, whether it was happiness, love, jealousy, hurt, etc. I've never met a guy like that and wonder if that's a characteristic of this type of guy. I loved that show of emotion. And now to think it was all just a show ...

 

I think about this a lot. How much of what he showed was true vs what I wanted to see. And the point of thinking about it is futile... we are done. Finished. No sense in trying to figure out what was authentic or not. Our time (meaning OM/OW) is better spent trying to find the answers to why we are even in this place and how to not be here again.

Edited December 4, 2016 by drypuddle

[Scorpio Chick]

Hi drypuddle, appreciate your response. I used to like displays or acknowledgment of jealousy until I learned that the old adage is true: a man looks for shoes under his woman's bed because HE has them under other beds.

 

My daughter's father was insanely jealous and I found out he was constantly unfaithful to me. I know firsthand because I really don't belong in relationships because even though I've never cheated on a man, my roving eye is BAD. Yet, I have a jealousy problem with every man I'm with. But I digress...

 

I'm thinking about it a lot because I'm deciding if I want to give love a chance. My view on it is positively schizophrenic. Split. Right down the middle.

 

My MM made the hit on me, I certainly didn't. I caved though. He sent love songs, said romantic things.

 

I just think given the sheer numbers, it's not that they're genuinely in love with us. There's chemistry and they decide to have something extra.

 

It just seems so clear now with the perspective I've been given because of time.

[NTV]

I just wanted to chime in as faithful husband who's wife has cheated on him that not all men are like that and I feel like most aren't. When my wife cheated though I went back and saw all the signs I had missed... and now can see them clearly in others.

 

It's kinda like buying a truck and then you start to notice all the other folks out there driving the same kinda truck... it's just a mental trick. Logically not everyone drives trucks but now i notice all the ones who do so much more clearly.

 

At least that's how I see it. Course having that happen makes me just a tad but more suspicious and cynical lol. Truthfully I can't think of a better way to assassinate optimism.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

So why'd you get involved in the first place?

[drypuddle]

Ah, yes, that old adage is true. I think it's almost universal. Liars expect people to lie. Cheaters expect people to cheat.

 

What amazes me in my situation was how easily I was able to overlook what I didn't want to see. I KNOW intellectually that jealousy is not a healthy way of expressing love! I KNOW THAT! But I still gave it value.

 

I understand what you mean about whether or not to give love a chance. I've had a failed marriage. I'm reeling from the effects of this affair on my own part and also trying to manage the remorse I feel for his wife. Often times I wonder if it's worth it. I'm so much happier when I'm not pursuing anything romantically or maybe it's my brain is so screwed up that I'm attracted to the wrong men.

 

All I know is, before my xMM came into my life, the biggest problem I had was figuring out where the hell am I going to store these two kayaks I just bought for my son and me. I'd like to get back to that small stuff.

[Satu]

snip

 

My title means that I believe men specifically seek out affairs to get an affair partner, as a possession.

 

I don't think they see you as a possession, I think they see you as someone who provides a service.

 

 

Take care.

[Scorpio Chick]

Hi NTV. That truck analogy is right on the money.

 

The guy I got involved with was a guy I went to high school with. I cannot forget the second I laid eyes on him. Tme stood still then slowed down. I had a major crush on him all thru high school. Blame it on FB and a reunion. He pm'd me one day years after the reunion and that was it. Back and forth communiques escalated. We had another reunion recently but I didn't attend. I had cut off all private communications with him too but then the man who was loyally STAYING married emailed me asking if I was going and what if he couldn't resist temptation.

 

I didn't go, didn't tell him I wasn't going. He flew in for it. After he emailed me again saying he missed me, missed our 'talks'. Pfft. I told him not to contact me by any means ever again or I would contact his wife.

 

He replied that he loved me deeply and had to have me and he was filing for divorce the very next day and he was flying back here to be with me immediately, legal consequences to him be damned because he loved me. Oh, wait, sorry, this last paragraph, didn't happen. Something I said made it where I'm not hearing from him at all. ?

[Scorpio Chick]

snip

 

 

I don't think they see you as a possession, I think they see you as someone who provides a service.

.

 

Hi Satu. I agree. And that is awful. I remember a boy crushing on my daughter when they were in like 8th grade, and she didn't have a crush on him. I told her how she had to be careful to be nice to him but not too nice. That he would look for signs that she liked him too, etc...

 

So that's what I think about. The guy I was 'involved' with KNEW, because I told him, that I had had a giant, unrequited crush on him all thru school and that I was having strong feelings for him again. Since HE knew he couldn't, excuse me, WOULDN'T reciprocrate, well, what a complete jerk!

[drypuddle]

Ugh. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

I'm really glad you didn't go. Whatever led you to that choice, be grateful for it.

Edited December 5, 2016 by drypuddle

[Satu]

Hi Satu. I agree. And that is awful. I remember a boy crushing on my daughter when they were in like 8th grade, and she didn't have a crush on him. I told her how she had to be careful to be nice to him but not too nice. That he would look for signs that she liked him too, etc...

 

So that's what I think about. The guy I was 'involved' with KNEW, because I told him, that *I had had a giant, unrequited crush on him all thru school and that I was having strong feelings for him again. Since HE knew he couldn't, excuse me, WOULDN'T reciprocrate, well, what a complete jerk!

 

These men are very adept at sniffing out vulnerabilities in other people and that was yours.

 

He knew exactly where to go from there.

 

These MM are just opportunist conmen.

 

When you look at them in that light their behaviour is easier to understand.

 

I'm glad that you've come out of this in one piece, and are finding your own truth about what you went through.

 

 

Take care.

Edited December 5, 2016 by Satu

[Miss Clavel]

amen, e.n.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm also filled with relief that I don't have to worry about my husband cheating on me because I am starting to believe deeply that more men cheat and seek to cheat, than do not.

 

While it's not new, it does seem to be increasing.

 

Right now I know of five very good looking, financially successful, married men with children who are about forty years old who have been totally faithful husbands, non alcoholic or any other addictions, not involved with drugs on any level, not violent, whose wives have been cheating on them and have recently left, or are in the process of leaving, them. These are men who are closely connected to my social circle, one of them a family member.

 

It seems to me women are cheating as much as men are, I don't know, though. Possibly it's just what I'm seeing in my realm of life right now.

Edited December 5, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Chica80]

Right now I know of five very good looking, financially successful, married men with children who are about forty years old who have been totally faithful husbands, non alcoholic or any other addictions, not involved with drugs on any level, not violent, whose wives have been cheating on them and have recently left, or are in the process of leaving, them. These are men who are closely connected to my social circle, one of them a family member.

 

It seems to me women are cheating as much as men are, I don't know, though. Possibly it's just what I'm seeing in my realm of life right now.

 

This does seem like a deviation from the norm? Am I wrong, five in one group?

[Chica80]

I don't think MM saw me as a possession. Not so much in my situation. But as a need he didn't know how to express or even knew he needed.

[jah526]

While it's not new, it does seem to be increasing.

 

I've been wondering about this too. There have been studies done on college students that show that levels of narcissism are increasing. And cheating is basically a narcissistic act.

[Girlfromcali]

It's more about obsession than about love.

[FoundMyStrength]

I don't think they see you as a possession, I think they see you as someone who provides a service.

 

I agree with Satu. From what I've seen on these forums and experienced with my xMM, I think most OWs are providing something that the xMM lacks in his marriage or in himself. Whether that's emotional support, bonus sex, ego boosts, or the feeling of being a strong, attractive man who still "has it", we provide those services for him. I never thought my xMM viewed me as a possession -- I think in many ways he loved and respected key parts of me, and told me so often -- but I do think he used me as an emotional crutch to get him through a low point in his life/marriage. And now that he's doing better, my services are no longer needed.

 

The sad part is, I don't think all xMM are aware they're doing this. They think it's all okay as long as they love you in the moment. It doesn't matter what comes later. Pure selfishness. And a unique form of emotional immaturity that, in the end, made me view my xMM as almost childlike in his cruelty.

[aileD]

Not possession.

 

 

Enhancement. You add extra, excitement, shiny fantasy.

 

The OW is the fancy new set of tires on the old car. They're fun to take for a spin. They're exciting and make him feel young and boost his ego.

 

But they're just tires. When someone says "you can keep the car Or you can keep the shiny fancy tires but you can't have both"

 

Then..... They have to think. "Gosh the tires are exciting and fun, but the car provides so much more and really I can put the old tires back on and spruce them up a little and the car will be like new and I'll still have a way to get to work "

 

So the OW is an enhancement but she's the first to go when the security is threatened.

 

I don't think these men think they own their OWs. I think they enjoy them but only until the benefits wear off.

[LivingWaterPlease]

This does seem like a deviation from the norm? Am I wrong, five in one group?

 

The five aren't in a group. Let's call them A,B,C,D and E.

 

A, B and C know each other but A and C are merely acquaintances.

 

B knows both A and C very well and is in contact with both often.

 

A, B, and C don't know D and E at all.

 

D doesn't know A, B, C, or E.

 

E doesn't know A, B, C, or D.

 

The men are scattered throughout the country though a couple of them live fairly close to each other.

 

I'm very close to people who know at least one of them very well and I know one of the men very well.

 

In hearing so much about each situation from folks close to each it's seeming to me that women are cheating as much as men these days, though I realize what I'm seeing could be an anomaly.

[Cymbeline]

It isn't an an anomaly. Rates of female infidelity are increasing as cultural changes affect female sexual behaviour. I don't think sexual behaviour is purely biological as there is always a strong cultural element.

 

Women are finding their voices and financial freedom. There is less to lose and less stigma in being unfaithful. I read some statistics which suggested that women under 40 are just as unfaithful as men and that those under 30 may be more unfaithful. (I guess at that age the opportunities are plentiful and there may not be children involved)

 

It'a also likely women were always more unfaithful than men but weren't found out. I am in my fifties and have a number of friends who have had brief flings and have never been suspected while dalliances on the part of the men are known about. The women I know have either left and remarried, or, far more often, just remained married and have not been noticeably upset by the experience, but have enjoyed it although they don't talk about it,!except with someone whose discretion they trust.

[elaine567]

I don't know that he saw me as a possession but he was certainly jealousy and constantly afraid he would lose me. For me, the level of jealousy he showed meant that he really cared for me, and that was the feeling I loved most. Being cared for. The emotion so clearly written on his face when we would talk about his moments of jealousy... that show of emotion was addicting.

 

YOU made the mistake that a lot of women make in thinking that "Oh he is so jealous of other men that he must really care for me"

The truth is that many men will not tolerate the woman he is having sex with, seeing or sleeping with other men.. He fiercely guards and protects her from the threat of other men, and many woman see that as "love" and "care", but that is not what it is at all. He may not care one damn about her but he still doesn't want her seeing or sleeping with other men.

HE wants to be the most important person in her life and he cannot be that if she is out there playing the field with other men.

He, on the other hand often thinks he can sleep with as many woman as he can get...

 

It is why "casual" (and an affair is often just a variation of "casual"), tends not to work well for many woman. The besotted OW is loyal and faithful to him and expects the same in return, whilst he has his wife (btw he is probably NOT sleeping in the guest room) and he may be open to other opportunities too.

 

So yes I do think many MM see the OW as a "possession" to be secured and defended.

[drypuddle]

Thank you for your contribution Elaine. I agree wholeheartedly. I'm not sure if you saw the post a little later in the thread where I commented that I know intellectually that jealousy is not a healthy way to express love for someone. Jealousy is something else entirely and I think you expressed it very well.

 

I know now looking back that love was never something he felt for me and wonder if I really felt it for him too. Love was just the meaning I attached to everything. But I did that. I made that choice.

 

Now is the time for healthy choices, finding out what's going on in me to allow myself to be in that relationship. I'm not sure how far into my story you read but if you haven't finished it, we are NC as a result of me telling his wife.

[freengreen]

I think so too.. [an affair partner], you give the key, she will boost you up. Not all of them but I think most of them.

 

The more 'exotic' a possesion is , the longer is the gloat.

 

It makes me feel stupid and angry about myself.

Edited December 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[drypuddle]

Yes, i can definitely relate to the man-child nature that is my exMM. Even after he confronted me about contacting his wife, he wasn't pissed that now she's heartbroken and her world was shattered, it was that I took that choice away from him. Now he doesn't have his toy!!

[FoundMyStrength]

Yes, i can definitely relate to the man-child nature that is my exMM.

 

Man-child is a great word for it. At one point in the midst of it, I remember thinking to myself that I was the only person in the relationship with the strength to end it and move on. Him? He was off in his own little world, fantasizing aloud about how nice it would be to live with me, to introduce me to his parents, entirely ignoring the reality of our situation. He reminded me of a kid running out in the street after a ball, oblivious to the dangers of being hit by a car. In the end, that's what the ending felt like too, being hit by a mack truck.