Emotional Affair Just Became Physical

[OneLostLady]

Hello all,

 

First time poster and here's a little background...

 

MM and I work together, bonded over common interests, started texting sporadically, just friendly stuff about movies or books. A few months after I separated from my husband we began texting more often and our texts became more personal. Eventually we grew to the point of texting first thing in the morning through to last thing at night, telling each other we love each other. I consider him a good friend and I know he cares about me too. I don't want to see either of us hurt.

 

One week ago we were alone at work and kissed for the first time. Last night we slept together. I don't feel used at all because I wanted that to happen just as much as he did but I was not prepared for the empty feeling when he left me to go home to his wife. I have no illusions of him leaving her and thought I would be happy being the other woman because I enjoy my freedom and my time alone. The only thing missing from our relationship was sex but now I have this incredible feeling of guilt and shame. I feel like our relationship was once innocent and now it is not. Deep down I know our relationship has not been innocent for a long time and I know that I'm not a good woman for doing this but he feels so right to me.

 

Can we go back to being friends? Please tell me that's not totally out of the question.

[SeenNotHeard]

Welcome to LS. It is hard to go back to the friendzone after all the intimacy you have shared over the last period of time, add the additional layer of the physical intimacy it is a tough call. Not going to say impossible as I know a few people in my life who have been involved in affairs and have continued to have friendships with the AP long after the affair fizzled for whatever reason. It takes two people who are truly able to move past this and can set the appropriate boundaries. Sorry, you are hurting today.

[BTDT2012]

The likelihood that you can go back to being friends is pretty slim. He zoned in on you when you separated from your husband, with the intent of having sex with you. You will know for sure when you tell him the sex was a mistake and it will never happen again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Can we go back to being friends? Please tell me that's not totally out of the question.

 

Generally speaking from my experience, a friendship can recover from one night of too much alcohol and a hookup as long as it was really just hormones and drunkenness. But once you start with the I love yous, no, you really can't go backwards to friends. Plus - you weren't friends anyway. I do not tell my friends I love you.

 

Since you are on your own, I would encourage you to pull the plug now on this guy before you get really invested. Figure out what to do with your marriage and if you are going to divorce, go out there and have meaningless fun with new single guys. You do not need married man drama.

 

Read my story or some of our stories. It never ends well.

[NTV]

You're separated now... so why him and not a single guy?

[Scorpio Chick]

My EA never got to get physical. But it would have. The question is: are you friends?

 

Did he, as has been suggested, zone in on you after you separated? Has he once said he's not leaving his wife? He's married and one could assume he and his wife are not only sex partners but friends, so if so, is he being a friend to his wife?

 

My opinion is no. Not until you have no romantic or sexual feelings for him. But I thought me and the guy I had an EA with were friends until it was crystal clear he was using me. Friends don't use friends. Period.

[Satu]

Get ready for a mountain of pain, because sooner or later, that's what you're going to get if you continue on this path.

 

Don't say that nobody warned you.

 

And no, you can't be this mans friend.

 

 

Take care.

[OneLostLady]

Thanks for the replies. Midnight, I wonder what you mean by really invested? I feel I can't get much more invested. I'm in love with this man, which brings me to why I don't go after someone single. I have dated a few men recently but it went nowhere because I wouldn't let it. It didn't seem right to get involved with one man when I'm in love with another.

I really don't believe MM zoned in on me after my separation. I believe he cares about my well being. We have already talked about last night and he said that if I decide I don't want to do that again, he will still treat me the same, and if I decide I do want to be with him again, he will treat me the same.

He has never talked about leaving his wife and I would never ask him to. Divorce is painful. He is content to be married to her and I know that won't change. I'm trying to make sense of who we are to each other and I'm trying to convince myself that it is okay.

[notmyselfnow]

It's highly unlikely you can still be friends, especially if you were telling each other you loved each other. And, trying to remain friends while cutting off the affair is pretty much impossible.

 

Moreover, you should probably start looking for another job now. Is he your superior, or is he yours? What are the policies in your workplace? How obvious have you been with your affair (and don't tell yourself no one knows, if you are in love, they suspect at the very least). Have you been using work phones or meeting on company time? What would you do if you lose your job?

[OneLostLady]

No work phones or company time. Honestly last night was the first time we met outside of work or a work function. We are good friends though and people at work know this and there have been rumors about us but we always laughed them off because we knew we were 'just friends' and not doing anything wrong. This is part of why I feel so horrible today. I've lost the ability to say that.

[drypuddle]

I'm trying to make sense of who we are to each other and I'm trying to convince myself that it is okay.

 

Please ... you are worth SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS! Yes, I know, he loves you and you love him. Find someone who can love you all the time, not just when his wife isn't around. You deserve to be someone's first choice and she deserves a husband who isn't cheating. You can't do much in regards to him other than opting out of the relationship.

 

I really wish I had this forum in June when my affair started. Please listen to everyone here. Read some stories. This doesn't end well. Even if you don't plan on being more than his side piece, what happens when you get caught??? You'll be left high and dry.

 

Don't open yourself up to that sort of pain and whatever all those other feelings are. It's all so unnecessary.

Edited December 5, 2016 by drypuddle

[LivingWaterPlease]

No work phones or company time. Honestly last night was the first time we met outside of work or a work function. We are good friends though and people at work know this and there have been rumors about us but we always laughed them off because we knew we were 'just friends' and not doing anything wrong. This is part of why I feel so horrible today. I've lost the ability to say that.

 

It seems you're not facing reality when you continue to say you were "just friends." No, you weren't just friends because you were telling each other you love each other. Just friends don't do that. Especially when one or both is married to someone else.

 

The rumors about you two were true. I don't mean to be harsh with you but it seems you may need to face the truth in order to figure out what your next steps are going to be.

[Chica80]

You can never be friends again. I know what I am talking about.

 

My A started 21mo ago. For me it was an exit A. I separated from my stbxhusband a year ago.

And all this time it continued. It started as a way out it opened my eyes to many things. But with it came so much pain. Please stop now. You probably won't, but stop while the pain and guilt is fresh.

 

It's a cycle. Physical encounter.....distance....pain.....someone reaches out because you're sad or pain is too much...you talk...oh this time only friends we can be friends....until the next physical encounter......cycle repeats.

 

You love him, he loves you its a high and intensity unlike anything else and will cause so much destruction in its wake.

 

 

I went on a kind of date today and it was nice just to be out not secret not guilty.

[beautiful_day]

There is a contradiction in your post. You say that sleeping with him left you feeling empty and guilty. But then you say he is so right for you. Working out which is your truth will tell you who you are.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks for the replies. Midnight, I wonder what you mean by really invested? I feel I can't get much more invested. I'm in love with this man, which brings me to why I don't go after someone single. I have dated a few men recently but it went nowhere because I wouldn't let it. It didn't seem right to get involved with one man when I'm in love with another.

I really don't believe MM zoned in on me after my separation. I believe he cares about my well being. We have already talked about last night and he said that if I decide I don't want to do that again, he will still treat me the same, and if I decide I do want to be with him again, he will treat me the same.

He has never talked about leaving his wife and I would never ask him to. Divorce is painful. He is content to be married to her and I know that won't change. I'm trying to make sense of who we are to each other and I'm trying to convince myself that it is okay.

 

I just meant, some people here seem to be able to maintain a sexual relationship without getting attached, and walk away when it no longer suits their needs. It sounds like you are not one of those people, which is okay, neither am I. If I had a time machine I'd go back and tell myself never to sleep with him, that it would be the biggest mistake of my life, and then to certainly never do it a second time. I can't, so I'll tell you. Stop now. There is nothing down this road but massive pain.

 

But hey, who am I to judge? Look at my life. I've been so weak, so I get it. Don't be like me.

[FoundMyStrength]

Thanks for the replies. Midnight, I wonder what you mean by really invested?

 

I know this question was meant for Midnight, but I think I get what she means by invested. I had a 3 month EA with one instance of PA. Before the PA, my xMM and I had just begun to acknowledge our feelings and said I love you a few times. After the night of PA, things escalated a hundredfold. It seemed to open up the floodgates for him, and he began future faking, I began believing him, and we both ended up setting ourselves up for a world of pain. We became inseparable. The bonding from the PA led to us become more invested, as Midnight put it, and made it much more difficult for us to let go of each other when we needed to.

 

I know every situation is unique, but I've read a TON of posts on these forums, and it follows the same pattern 99% of the time. Even with the best of intentions, staying "friends" turns right back into an EA and/or PA.

[Friskyone4u]

Thanks for the replies. Midnight, I wonder what you mean by really invested? I feel I can't get much more invested. I'm in love with this man, which brings me to why I don't go after someone single. I have dated a few men recently but it went nowhere because I wouldn't let it. It didn't seem right to get involved with one man when I'm in love with another.

I really don't believe MM zoned in on me after my separation. I believe he cares about my well being. We have already talked about last night and he said that if I decide I don't want to do that again, he will still treat me the same, and if I decide I do want to be with him again, he will treat me the same.

He has never talked about leaving his wife and I would never ask him to. Divorce is painful. He is content to be married to her and I know that won't change. I'm trying to make sense of who we are to each other and I'm trying to convince myself that it is okay.

 

One,

 

You are a side piece to him and most of us reading this know that. Now you stated it yourself. No others men have been given a chance because you are carrying the torch for this guy and ****ting them out.

So if you read this forum, here is where you most likely are headed. You will spend Holidays and important times alone while he is with his wife. Months or years from now you will be wondering where the best years of your life have gone, you will feel destroyed, and not know what to do. Don't take my word. Just read the threads from the OW who post here and what they go through.

 

You are in an illicit relationship which adds to the excitement, and just read some books and see how your chances are that this will end nicely. And no, you cannot be "friends" because as long as you have the option of continuing the affair you will be hooked like a drug addict.

 

You may think your prince charming is unlike most guys who cheat on their wives. You'll find out differently .

 

And of course, if this continues, like most, he will eventually get caught, and then most likely will dump you like a hot potato to save his family.

 

If that all sounds good, keep doing what you are doing.

[road]

Hello all,

 

First time poster and here's a little background...

 

MM and I work together, bonded over common interests, started texting sporadically, just friendly stuff about movies or books. A few months after I separated from my husband we began texting more often and our texts became more personal. Eventually we grew to the point of texting first thing in the morning through to last thing at night, telling each other we love each other. I consider him a good friend and I know he cares about me too. I don't want to see either of us hurt.

 

One week ago we were alone at work and kissed for the first time. Last night we slept together. I don't feel used at all because I wanted that to happen just as much as he did but I was not prepared for the empty feeling when he left me to go home to his wife. I have no illusions of him leaving her and thought I would be happy being the other woman because I enjoy my freedom and my time alone. The only thing missing from our relationship was sex but now I have this incredible feeling of guilt and shame. I feel like our relationship was once innocent and now it is not. Deep down I know our relationship has not been innocent for a long time and I know that I'm not a good woman for doing this but he feels so right to me.

 

Can we go back to being friends? Please tell me that's not totally out of the question.

 

 

 

You stopped putting effort into your marriage an put it into a man that only wants to bang you. Not make you his wife, but go home to his BW after he uses you.

 

 

And, now you are feeling used?

 

 

Advice:

Dump this loser

Divorce or repair your marriage

IC so you do not go this low ever again

[BluesPower]

You need to listen to some of these women, they have already felt the pain that you are setting yourself up for. Esp MidnightBlue, She knows what she is talking about.

 

As a former MM cheater, there are some things you need to know.

 

100% he has had his eye on you and targeted you. There is just really no discussion to be had on that. MM that are fooling around can pick a venerable woman out from a crowd of women. I cannot count the number of times that I have done that.

 

You have already fallen in love, this is a really bad thing for you. But does MM love you. You feel like you are so close, he is there for you, her really gets you right? Wrong, he may like you and care for you but he does not love you. Pleased understand that.

 

Listen, if you are going to finalize your divorce and be single. Be single with single guys. You will meet some creeps and you may meet some princes.

 

But being the OW to a married man is not where you want to be. It is filled with pain and anguish no matter how it turns out.

 

Dump this guy now. Be single. Heal from your divorce. Have some great sex. And after a while, when you are ready to settle down find you prince and be picky. Don't just fall for the first guy you like, like you have already done. Pick the right guy that is what you want in every way.

 

Good luck hon...

[notmyselfnow]

No work phones or company time. Honestly last night was the first time we met outside of work or a work function. We are good friends though and people at work know this and there have been rumors about us but we always laughed them off because we knew we were 'just friends' and not doing anything wrong. This is part of why I feel so horrible today. I've lost the ability to say that.

 

You said in your first post that you kissed at work. That is company time. You are in love, but you just met outside of work for the first time. Thus, the relationship started at work and you fell in love at work. That is also company time.

 

You also say no one knows, but there are rumors that you laugh off. That means people suspect, and may know.

 

Once again, you should start looking for a new job now. Both because depending on your company policies you may be fired, and because your work site is going to be utterly painful for you.

[Midwestmissy]

They weren't just rumours, were they? You're not as discreet as you think, so be very careful, coworkers will form very rigid opinions of you. And the woman who's having an affair with a married man will usually fare worse than he does. Not fair, but true.

 

My wh thought they were discreet too. They weren't. He became a punch line and list the respect of all his employees, she lost her job. It was a hot mess. When he was where you are right now, he would never have been convinced that he was on a very bad track - he'd love to be able to go back and make different choices. Their friendship and soulmate connection was neither, they detest each other now. Those goopy hormones are screwing with your common sense, and you have no idea how much pain you'll cause people who you aren't even thinking about.

[Birdies]

Even if you two are both in love with each other, unless he leaves his wife to be with you, this will only end badly. Either it will all blow up ( it almost always does) and you'll be a publicly shamed adulteress - and at work which us the worst possible situation. Been there, done that. Or it will end in utter heartbreak for you when he finally decides to be a halfway decent husband and leaves you. Most likely both of those scenarios will happen.

 

Step away! This will only get much much worse.

 

You can't really be friends. You'll either restart your affair, or it will prolong your heartbreak and pining.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Been there done the whole work affair. It never ends with the two of you being besties so I would cut that thought out of my head. At best the most you can hope for is the ability work with each other. end. of story. period. Most of the time this still isn't a doable situation.

[SoleMate]

You've only got one toe in the toxic pool called Workplace Extramarital Affair. Still just a bit of time to back away.

 

I'd recommend IC to help determine why you choose to fall in love with a man who is so unavailable and dangerous for you. CMM are the worst bet in town. Sure, there are single men who are losers/users/cheaters too, but LS shows that they don't leave even 10% as much damage and pain in their wake as the cheating MM do.

 

Since you work together, NC is very hard, but still, it's necessary for your life. Perhaps you can get a transfer. Or see an employment lawyer for advice on how to turn off this A without endangering your job. (Because it's usually the OW who gets thrown under the career bus in this case.) Find a new job if you can, so you can move on.

 

Stop "loving" a man who is treating you this badly. Good luck!

[OneLostLady]

I appreciate the thoughtful replies from several points of view. I see that you all have a lot more experience here than I do. I'm at work right now and can't reply in length but I have been doing some reading and my eyes have been opened a bit. I still refuse to believe he is using me as he has been so good to me. However, I'm starting to wonder how this can possibly end any way other than badly.

For those who wondered, I am divorcing. It is almost final. I was in a bad marriage for many years and leaving had absolutely nothing to do with MM. It was the one good decision I have made in the past year.