aurelius99 Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 I've been divorced 4 years and occasionally I'll find out new information about my ex that surprises me in regard to how she handles the situation. She is not very good with fostering communication between my kids and me. We have joint with her having primary. Sometimes I will text request her to speak with my children. She will frequently not have them call back until the next day (and sometimes up to 3 days later). Now, that isn't the worst part. You'd think that she might just legitimately be really busy. But I just found out last week that my children EVERY NIGHT BEFORE THEY GO TO BED make a FaceTime call to their freakinf grandparents! Wtf! And their own father doesn't get this? Suffice it to say I'm pretty ticked off. What kind of messages is my ex sending to our children? That their grandparents are more part of their lives than their own father? This is pretty warped if you ask me. But it DOES fit the mold of what happened during our entire failed marriage--ex was putting her parents before me and letting them in on everything beyond what is healthy. Any perspective on this? Is she out of line? Am I just overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Am I just overreacting? I'd say yes but simply as a practical matter. During her custody, she controls what happens with the kids. So yes, she should prioritize communication with you, that would be the right thing to do. But since she doesn't, cross it off your list and find another way to compensate. Perhaps a book from you they'd carry in their backpack with a specific note or thought for each day. It becomes about emphasizing what you have and minimizing - as much as you can - the effect of what you don't. Times like this, the Serenity Prayer comes in very handy... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 How old are your children? I ask because a friend of mine that had this same issue ultimately bought a phone for their child to use so that they could communicate regularly without having to go through the other parent. If they aren't old enough or mature enough for their own phones then your only other option is to take it back to court and ask for nightly phone calls to be allowed and enforced. I personally think it's a form of parental alienation to not allow children access to the non-custodial parent. How hard is it to let them talk to you for a few minutes every night? I would never deny my son the right to talk to his father.. ever. His father may choose not to answer the phone at times but my son knows that he can call his father anytime he wants to. Sometimes that is daily, other times not so much. I think it's ridiculous to not allow it. I figure my issues with my ex are MY issues, not my son's issues so why do that to him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 take it back to court and ask for nightly phone calls to be allowed and enforced. You have got to be kidding. What a waste of time and money. No court in the land would make such a frivolous ruling. Yes it is a bit ridiculous to not allow or encourage the kids to call their Dad. But some people are just ridiculous. You have your time with them, and she has hers. She is under no obligation to get the kids to make nightly calls to you. Just as you are not under any obligation to get them to make nightly calls to her, on your time. If you do, then it's your choice. And if you do, knowing that she doesn't pay you the same courtesy, then good for you for being the bigger man and putting the kids interests first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aurelius99 Posted December 5, 2016 Author Share Posted December 5, 2016 You have got to be kidding. What a waste of time and money. No court in the land would make such a frivolous ruling. Yes it is a bit ridiculous to not allow or encourage the kids to call their Dad. But some people are just ridiculous. You have your time with them, and she has hers. She is under no obligation to get the kids to make nightly calls to you. Just as you are not under any obligation to get them to make nightly calls to her, on your time. If you do, then it's your choice. And if you do, knowing that she doesn't pay you the same courtesy, then good for you for being the bigger man and putting the kids interests first. Exactly. Everyone always says to "take her back to court", but who has 5 to 10 thousand dollars to spare for a lawyer? Nobody. However, I disagree with your other point. It most definitely IS an obligation, especially by the primary custodian, to prioritize contact with the other parent--especially if the other parent is a good parent. It is IMMORAL to do otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 It most definitely IS an obligation, especially by the primary custodian, to prioritize contact with the other parent--especially if the other parent is a good parent. It is IMMORAL to do otherwise. That is your opinion, an opinion not shared by your ex wife, or the legal system in most countries. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Keep your children in mind and put them first. I also recommend dialing back the hostility towards exW - no more calling her or her behavior - even here at LS - "unhealthy", "warped", "immoral". Try rewriting your whole post with regard just to your children's needs and your legitimate fatherly concerns. Like this: "I'd like to have more frequent calls with my children. I've tried A, B and C and run into issues X, Y and Z. Any ideas on how to have more frequent calls?" or "What are some good ways to provide fatherly love, guidance and support to my kids when they are not in residence with me?" or even "I want my children to have lots of family support and of course I'm happy they have a close relationship with their maternal grandparents. I'm feeling a bit miffed and even jealous that I don't get the same calls that they do. Any ideas on how to address these feelings or improve the situation?" NOT "My ex-wife is so warped and immoral (because she helps foster my children's relationship with their maternal grandparents) and this is just like our whole failed marriage so I want to replay everything and find a way to put her in the wrong regardless of what my kids actually need." Kids first. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Kids first. Win/win. aurelius99, it's helpful to note this approach goes against the general "guard the fort" mentality you have as a Dad. The world is turned on its head when one of the things your protecting against is the mother of your children, but that's where divorce puts you. You've gotten some good advice here, hope you can take it to heart... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 My kids are 6 and 8 years old. My ex and I have 50/50 custody split, and a custody arrangement where the kids are never more than 2 or 3 days away from seeing the other parent. My ex has insisted that I either call or Skype or visit whenever the kids request it. I flatly refused. Generally, this was so that I could manage the kids as I saw fit, in their own best interest. For instance, on one occasion I *did* bring the kids to visit their mom when they asked (we were driving near her new apartment). The kids enjoyed the visit, but then all hell broke loose afterwards when I had to take them home again. They were hysterical at having to leave their mom, at having the four of us not stay together, and it took most of the night to talk them down. So, since then, when they ask about calling or visiting their mom, I generally instead have them work through their feelings, and point out that in most cases, they will see their mother the very next day. In your case, where you do not have as much time with them, it seems that a reasonable person would allow for some level of contact and communication. It seems wrong that she does not do this, and in any event, it clearly leaves you feeling marginalized. I agree with others that it seems silly to go to court to seek an enforcement order for phone calls. That said, were I in your shoes, I might start to document these instances, and instead take her to court to sue for 50/50 custody, or even primary custody. One sure fire way to be more involved in their lives is to split custody. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 I do think the kids shoiuld each have their own phone, sooner or later they will have one anyway 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coreander81 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Do you guys think I should just be direct with my kids and tell them their mom is interfering with communication? I know they're each young (less than 9 years) but I'm sure they can understand the concept of their mother allowing nightly FaceTime calls with their grandparents while not even allowing nightly regular phone calls with their father. One of you might say not to "bad mouth" the other parent. I agree with you. I never bad mouth her. But you know what I'm beginning to learn? Sometimes you just gotta call a spade a spade. In this case I would merely me stating FACTS. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 you might get bad-mouthed back Link to post Share on other sites
coreander81 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 you might get bad-mouthed back Lol, that's already happening. Been happening for years. Their grandmother regularly asks if I am hurting them and being mean to them. They have falsely accused me in the past of child abuse. It has been disproven three times--initially by a judge, then twice by CPS, which resulted in not just a "no funding", but a conclusive "ruled out" status for me. My ex and her family are wicked. They will stop at nothing to keep control. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Do you guys think I should just be direct with my kids and tell them their mom is interfering with communication? I would not say THAT to them. I think it is perfectly fine for you to remind your kids that you are always available to them, that you are always happy to have them call you. Let them know that, all they need to do is to ask their mom, and she can arrange to call. It is, after all, in her court. But if the kids know they can call you, they want to call you, and they ask to call you - it will become evident to them fairly quickly if their mother is simply preventing them from doing so. There is no need for you to "bad mouth" her - let her actions speak for you. And if instead she surprises you and the kids start calling more often, well then, problem (mostly) solved. The picture you paint of her family and such, if I take you at your word... well, it seems less than ideal. Perhaps it is in the best interest of your children for you to try to get 50/50 or full custody? If their mother truly provides such a toxic environment... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 You have got to be kidding. What a waste of time and money. No court in the land would make such a frivolous ruling. Yes it is a bit ridiculous to not allow or encourage the kids to call their Dad. But some people are just ridiculous. You have your time with them, and she has hers. She is under no obligation to get the kids to make nightly calls to you. Just as you are not under any obligation to get them to make nightly calls to her, on your time. If you do, then it's your choice. And if you do, knowing that she doesn't pay you the same courtesy, then good for you for being the bigger man and putting the kids interests first. Actually, courts do make this kind of ruling all the time. It's not at all frivolous. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Don't bring the kids into this IMO. They need to have their OWN opinion of each of you; not be in the middle. I can understand where you're coming from. My kiddo has a phone at my house and can text XH but he doesn't set up the same situation at his house. How old are your kids? Are they old enough for something like a ipod they can take between houses so they could facetime or text you? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 I think it is perfectly fine for you to remind your kids that you are always available to them, that you are always happy to have them call you. Let them know that, all they need to do is to ask their mom, and she can arrange to call. Well said. I went through an equally contentious divorce and challenging joint custody with my ex and now adult son who was 3 when we split. Give your kids some credit, they figure out early on who's being honest and straight and who's trying to manipulate them. Take the high road and focus on your life and time with them, that's where the payoff comes. All this other drama is just a distraction... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aurelius99 Posted December 10, 2016 Author Share Posted December 10, 2016 Well said. I went through an equally contentious divorce and challenging joint custody with my ex and now adult son who was 3 when we split. Give your kids some credit, they figure out early on who's being honest and straight and who's trying to manipulate them. Take the high road and focus on your life and time with them, that's where the payoff comes. All this other drama is just a distraction... Mr. Lucky Thanks for the much needed perspective, as always, Mr. Lucky. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 10, 2016 Share Posted December 10, 2016 Thanks for the much needed perspective, as always, Mr. Lucky. You're welcome aurelius99. I have the advantage of long-term perspective, trust me I made every mistake there is along the way. My son has blessed us with two beautiful grandkids, I couldn't be prouder of the man - and father - he's become... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aurelius99 Posted December 10, 2016 Author Share Posted December 10, 2016 You're welcome aurelius99. I have the advantage of long-term perspective, trust me I made every mistake there is along the way. My son has blessed us with two beautiful grandkids, I couldn't be prouder of the man - and father - he's become... Mr. Lucky How is your relationship with your grandchildren? I guess I'm asking because I'm curious to see how their mother (your ex) is affecting it? These are things I'm only beginning to consider. I know my ex is able to devastate my relationship with my kids because, well, they're directly her kids and they're so young. But what about when they have their own? Is her grip still as strong and poisonous on the next generation and still able to hamper your connection to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 My son lives equidistant from us both, about an hour plane flight. We have a great relationship with the grandkids, lots of visits and Facetime calls. My ex is a non-factor between us, in part because she's pulled some of the crap with my son (last minute cancel, BS behind his back, too much drinking at his house, etc.) she used to try on me. He was about 15 when he told me "Dad, you never said anything, but I get it with Mom". People don't change and kids, who are watching everything, figure it out. Have faith... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aurelius99 Posted December 11, 2016 Author Share Posted December 11, 2016 My son lives equidistant from us both, about an hour plane flight. We have a great relationship with the grandkids, lots of visits and Facetime calls. My ex is a non-factor between us, in part because she's pulled some of the crap with my son (last minute cancel, BS behind his back, too much drinking at his house, etc.) she used to try on me. He was about 15 when he told me "Dad, you never said anything, but I get it with Mom". People don't change and kids, who are watching everything, figure it out. Have faith... Mr. Lucky WOW...how did you feel when your son said that? Damn. Wow. You must have felt like 15 years of suffering and biting the bullet all was made worth it. I hope to God my sons realize this eventually. I am even more motivated now to keep my mouth shut. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 I actually felt better for my son than I did for myself, gave me hope our divorce wasn't the defining event in his childhood. My ex was always devoted to him but her bitterness and anger left her with few friends and fewer romantic prospects. She never remarried... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aurelius99 Posted December 11, 2016 Author Share Posted December 11, 2016 (edited) I actually felt better for my son than I did for myself, gave me hope our divorce wasn't the defining event in his childhood. My ex was always devoted to him but her bitterness and anger left her with few friends and fewer romantic prospects. She never remarried... Mr. Lucky Would you have preferred that your ex remarry? Sometimes I think it might be better if my ex remarried, that way she would have a new punching bag instead of me and the kids. I truly admire your maturity with regard to your divorce. I hope I can be where you are when I reach your age. I do know that time does NOT heal all wounds--it must be chosen, it doesn't just happen. So bravo for you. Edited December 11, 2016 by aurelius99 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Would you have preferred that your ex remarry? As the mother of my son, I'd prefer she'd be happy, whatever that means to her. She always seems focused on what she doesn't have, to the detriment of everything else. And there's a constant undercurrent of bitterness, as though life somehow hasn't been fair to her. She's a tough nut to crack. known her my entire adult life and she's still a mystery. To your other point, things did settle down slightly from a co-parenting standpoint once she started dating... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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