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Love my boyfriend but not physically attracted to him anymore

AmIOK

By AmIOK
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AmIOK Member

AmIOK

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Hi. I'm writing because I've found myself in a very difficult situation. As the title states, I love my boyfriend but I am no longer physically attracted to him.

 

We have been together for around a year and a half. We also live together. If I'm honest, I've never thought of him as being highly good looking, but I was still physically attracted to him when we met, and his personality is what mattered the most. But recently, I've come to realise that I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I think the main reason is that he has put on quite a bit of weight. He was overweight when we met and it didn't bother me one bit, but he has put of even more over the last 6 months or so (he now weighs 20 stone). The reason for his weight gain isn't due to illness or medication - he simply eats very unhealthy foods and doesn't exercise.

 

When he started to put on the weight, he acknowledged it and told me he was worried that I didn't find him attractive anymore. I reassured him that I still found him attractive, but I was honest about the fact that if he were to put on too much weight, I might begin to be less attracted to him. That might sound harsh, but I've always been honest with him. And if I were to have told him I would be attracted to him no matter what he weighed, that would have been a lie.

 

He has told me he's unhappy with his weight and that he wants to lose it. But he doesn't do anything about it. He has a desk job and doesn't exercise at all. He bought a gym membership but never uses it. He doesn't exercise at home. When he wants a snack, he buys chocolate, sweets, cakes, etc. He says he knows he shouldn't but then does it again. I find it really frustrating, I think even more so because I suffer with IBS and there are many foods I want to eat but I know I shouldn't so I simply don't.

 

Now I'm in a horrible situation. I love him and feel guilty for feeling this way He treats me very well, tells me multiple times a day that he loves me, he's great with my son, is great around the house, etc. But I'm just not attracted to him anymore.

 

I guess my main questions are, can this relationship work if I'm not attracted to him anymore? Is it actually all down to the weight gain or is it because the honeymoon period is over, or both? Should I give him an ultimatum? Or is the problem me - should I be able to accept him for who he is, regardless of his weight?

 

Thanks

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Been together for a year and a half?? That simple....the honeymoon stage or the obsession stage of your relationship is over. All those feelings of excitement and newness has diminished leaving you with reality of what you actually have. You love him but are no long not in love with him. You are trying to justify this change in your feelings by saying it's his weight issue, but it's not what's causing it. This is common, and it happens naturally. You can't control it...the dopamine has shut off in your brain.

 

What you should accept is that you should consider moving on, because you should never settle for someone just because they are good to you. If you lost that loving feeling you are denying yourself true happiness. Eventually you will resent your choice if you stay, especially when you meet someone that sweeps you off your feet.

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bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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I want a women who is attracted to me. If a women is no longer attracted to me, please do me a favor, let me know, and move on so I can find someone who is.

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AmIOK Member

AmIOK

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Been together for a year and a half?? That simple....the honeymoon stage or the obsession stage of your relationship is over. All those feelings of excitement and newness has diminished leaving you with reality of what you actually have. You love him but are no long not in love with him. You are trying to justify this change in your feelings by saying it's his weight issue, but it's not what's causing it. This is common, and it happens naturally. You can't control it...the dopamine has shut off in your brain.

 

What you should accept is that you should consider moving on, because you should never settle for someone just because they are good to you. If you lost that loving feeling you are denying yourself true happiness. Eventually you will resent your choice if you stay, especially when you meet someone that sweeps you off your feet.

 

Thanks for the reply. I have considered moving on, but there are many things that make me not want to. One of them I have already spoken about - the way he treats me. I'm afraid I won't find anyone who treats me this well again. But another reason is, if I'm no longer attracted to him because we have been together for a while, won't this just happen in every future relationship?

umirano Established Member

umirano

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if I'm no longer attracted to him because we have been together for a while, won't this just happen in every future relationship?

 

Probably. Life's a lot less romantic than we'd like it to be.

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eightytwenty Established Member

eightytwenty

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There is someone out there that will make you happy all around.. Might take a month or a few years but life is too short to just settle....

 

And he deserves to have someone that loves him fully also.

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AmIOK Member

AmIOK

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There is someone out there that will make you happy all around.. Might take a month or a few years but life is too short to just settle....

 

And he deserves to have someone that loves him fully also.

 

Hope so. I guess another reason I'm thinking the problem might be with me is that this isn't the first relationship to become stale after a while. My son's dad and I were together for years, then I realised I wasn't in love with him anymore and, a while later, broke up with him. Same thing in the next relationship. Now this one. I was happy being single for a couple of years but now I would like a long term relationship. But if this keeps happening, that will never happen. Plus it's not fair on the guy.

 

I also need to think about my son. He's 10 and lives with me 3 days and nights each week, and he's now used to my boyfriend being a part of the household. So if I break up with him, I need to be sure it's the right thing. Obviously, if I did break up with him and dated in the future, I would take it slowly with them. I wouldn't want the guy to meet my son until we'd been together for a while. But if this only happens after living together for a while, I'd have no way of knowing whether it was going to happen when we did, which would again be unfair on my son. So confused right now

samantha_t85 Member

samantha_t85

Posted
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I don't agree that it's just the end of the honeymoon period. It may be coinciding with that, which I suppose could be magnifying your feelings, but it is not unreasonable to expect to still be attracted to your partner after that period ends.

 

20 stone is a lot...280 lbs for the American posters. Unless he's 7 feet tall, that puts him in the morbidly obese range.

 

I've been with my husband 6 years and I'm still very attracted to him. Sure, my heart might not race every time I see him; I might not get butterflies in my stomach when I think of him - THAT is "honeymoon" stuff. Finding your partner attractive isn't.

 

Sounds like it's time to move on, and I think you know that. I've been in a similar situation before so I know it's not easy. Hugs to you.

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eightytwenty Established Member

eightytwenty

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Hope so. I guess another reason I'm thinking the problem might be with me is that this isn't the first relationship to become stale after a while. My son's dad and I were together for years, then I realised I wasn't in love with him anymore and, a while later, broke up with him. Same thing in the next relationship. Now this one. I was happy being single for a couple of years but now I would like a long term relationship. But if this keeps happening, that will never happen. Plus it's not fair on the guy.

 

I also need to think about my son. He's 10 and lives with me 3 days and nights each week, and he's now used to my boyfriend being a part of the household. So if I break up with him, I need to be sure it's the right thing. Obviously, if I did break up with him and dated in the future, I would take it slowly with them. I wouldn't want the guy to meet my son until we'd been together for a while. But if this only happens after living together for a while, I'd have no way of knowing whether it was going to happen when we did, which would again be unfair on my son. So confused right now

 

I was like that with my ex husband. It was stale, didn't outwardly care what I was doing, we didn't have conversations any more, plus he didn't want to get a job, and verbally abusive to me. About my weight but I only gained 20lbs to his 50 lbs. Didn't have sex for the last 6 months of the marriage. I met my now fiance at a bar while I was married. I was there because me and a bunch of friends went out after a horse event and we were 8 hours from home. I was just instantly attracted to him. I didn't talk to my now finance too much in the beginning because I am not the person to cheat. I wanted to stay friends but a month after meeting him I told my ex I didn't want the marriage anymore. He was hurt but I was unhappy. Why do I need to stay unhappy for him when there was nothing in it for me.

I say this because I felt the disconnect. I didn't want the marriage and it was like living with a roommate. Your son will understand, I'm sure he would rather see a happy rounded relationship then something that is just there.

kismetkismet Established Member

kismetkismet

Posted
Posted

You are staying with him out of fear of being alone and not being able to find someone better than him. That's not fair to either of you! You both deserve to be with someone you're passionate about and that is passionate about you. Think of how you would feel if you found out after a year or so that your boyfriend was no longer attracted to you, but stayed with you because of how nice you were to them? I would personally feel betrayed and like my time had been wasted.

 

You can DEFINITELY remain attracted to someone after the 'honeymoon' phase is over. The honeymoon phase doesn't apply to all feelings of affection and attraction and connection - it applies to the irrational, all consuming, distracting feelings associated with the beginning of the relationship. Sometimes when that wears off, there isn't enough left to connect you. But if it's a strong relationship then what comes after can be even better.

 

I nearly stayed with my previous boyfriend because I was afraid that I wouldn't find someone that I connected as well with intellectually. I understand the impulse, relationships don't always end because you hate the other person or someone has done something wrong. I'm now with someone that I connect with much better intellectually, physically, and emotionally. and (I believe) he is with someone that he connects with better now as well.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

If he lost all the weight would your feelings come back?

 

I think you should be honest with him before splitting. If he knows you are considering leaving the relationship he might take this seriously.

 

He needs to seek help. No one can lose 100-lbs on their own. He needs to join a weight loss clinic like weight watchers. It will take him at least 1 year to lose it all if not more. I repeat, asking him to cut on sweets and to join a gym will not work! He needs help.

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