Ex left me for his sister's friend [UPDATE Should I meet with ex?]

[Ilovepizzalady]

So in our last conversation at the end of November, he wanted to chat and while he said he was with someone else, he said he still felt connected to me, had missed me a lot, had cried many nights and i would always remain in his life. So i felt like ok, at least we will maintain connection.

 

Well I sent him a couple texts since then (including A merry Christmas) with no response at all. Then I sent (as recommended by a smart friend)

 

"Hey, I understand you may be busy with your life/work and the holidays.

 

But since you haven’t responded to the couple of texts I sent since the last time we talked, I’d assume it means you don’t want to have anything to do with me."

 

And that would let him tell me, look I don't want to talk b/c I have a girlfriend, or I don't think it's appropriate. He seemed very okay with having emotional conversations before this, and he even apologized of his own initiative 3 times,, and responded fine to my casual texts.

 

I know you will all say move on (which I am) but it's just odd that his behavior changed.

 

There are 3 options in my mind:

 

1) His girlfriend doesn't want him talking to me anymore

2) He wants to shut out any memory of me/us because it's painful or causes him guilt.

3) He feels nothing and finds me annoying (unlikely b/c of our last few convos)

4) He doesn't want to be polite for some reason (anger?) even to write back Merry Christmas to you also.

[Blanco]

Sorry, but it sounds like he's doing what you should've done to him: broken off any contact and invest energy, both physical and mental, into your new life.

 

His reason for ghosting isn't nearly as important as the favor he's done for you, which is to force the matter of you two leading totally separate lives.

[VeveCakes]

I noticed that they stopped following each other on Instagram then restarted again in the same day. Maybe troubles in paradise I hope. I know I know! I need to move on. GAH

 

Stop stalking his social media...you have NO idea what is happening in their relationship.

 

He won't reply because he has a gf. It is disrespectful to her to continue to talk to his ex gf. It's as simple as that.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Wasn't it disrespectful of HIM to talk to her while going out with me? Suddenly he has boundaries...

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I'm sorry that you're so tormented by this situation. I've been there. What I kept telling myself was: IT DOESN'T MATTER.

 

No matter what he says, texts, sends, tweets, snaps, etc...IT DOESN'T MATTER. You two are NOT together anymore and he is in a relationship with someone else.

 

You can analyze and pick apart his texts BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER because you two are still broken up.

 

Repeat IT DOESN'T MATTER to yourself over and over again when you are starting to stalk him on social media or when he sends over another apology. Yes, he cared about you and yes it made him feel bad to see you cry.

 

But again..DOES ANY OF THAT MATTER? NO. You two are still broken up and he is still giving his heart, love, body and mind to someone else.

 

I hope that helps.

 

So in our last conversation at the end of November, he wanted to chat and while he said he was with someone else, he said he still felt connected to me, had missed me a lot, had cried many nights and i would always remain in his life. So i felt like ok, at least we will maintain connection.

 

Well I sent him a couple texts since then (including A merry Christmas) with no response at all. Then I sent (as recommended by a smart friend)

 

"Hey, I understand you may be busy with your life/work and the holidays.

 

But since you haven’t responded to the couple of texts I sent since the last time we talked, I’d assume it means you don’t want to have anything to do with me."

 

And that would let him tell me, look I don't want to talk b/c I have a girlfriend, or I don't think it's appropriate. He seemed very okay with having emotional conversations before this, and he even apologized of his own initiative 3 times,, and responded fine to my casual texts.

 

I know you will all say move on (which I am) but it's just odd that his behavior changed.

 

There are 3 options in my mind:

 

1) His girlfriend doesn't want him talking to me anymore

2) He wants to shut out any memory of me/us because it's painful or causes him guilt.

3) He feels nothing and finds me annoying (unlikely b/c of our last few convos)

4) He doesn't want to be polite for some reason (anger?) even to write back Merry Christmas to you also.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I am friends with every ex, and I like to keep in touch regardless of how it makes me feel. This is how I am. So I think it's disrespectful to cut people out, just like some people think it's disrespectful to talk to exes. It's my opinion. He hasn't told me he feels that way, or given that explanation which would be nice of him to do.

[VeveCakes]

Wasn't it disrespectful of HIM to talk to her while going out with me? Suddenly he has boundaries...

 

Yes, but he obviously doesn't want to lose this one for whatever reason. Im sorry I know it hurts but if hes a cheater than its no loss anyway.

[VeveCakes]

I am friends with every ex, and I like to keep in touch regardless of how it makes me feel. This is how I am. So I think it's disrespectful to cut people out, just like some people think it's disrespectful to talk to exes. It's my opinion. He hasn't told me he feels that way, or given that explanation which would be nice of him to do.

 

He doesn't owe you any explanation. He owes you nothing. You are not his gf anymore. Would it be nice? Of course....but obviously he isn't going to. Maybe he blocked you and thats why he doesn't reply. It really doesnt matter anymore, he is with someone else.

 

A lot of ppl believe there is no reason to keep exs around, so if you like to keep yours around then it's a difference of opinion. Bottom line is he isn't contacting you anymore. Best do the same to him.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Just because he's an ex, doesn't mean he's not a human being and doesn't mean he shouldn't treat me with respect. This whole he's an ex so he is a stranger and owes you ZERO is not cool with me. I have dumped a lot of people and I never treat them with no respect. It's not right. I actually treat them very nicely and answer questions and do that whole bit and now we are all friends and they respect me and I respect them. I don't act like a 14 year old in adult romantic relationships like many here seem to.

[VeveCakes]

Just because he's an ex, doesn't mean he's not a human being and doesn't mean he shouldn't treat me with respect. This whole he's an ex so he is a stranger and owes you ZERO is not cool with me. I have dumped a lot of people and I never treat them with no respect. It's not right.

 

That's you not him. Sorry you don't like it but once a relationship is over you owe nothing to each other. Plenty of people are harsh during a break up. If you feel he is disrespecting you so bad then why are you chasing him so hard. You can't make him respect you. You can only respect yourself and not chase after this guy any longer.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Well he was responding in a normal way until december, and i sent him a couple of texts with no response. obviously i won't send any more but wondering what changed his behavior. It's fine to say he doesn't owe me but that doesn't mean there isn't an explanation behind it.

[Zahara]

Just because he's an ex, doesn't mean he's not a human being and doesn't mean he shouldn't treat me with respect. This whole he's an ex so he is a stranger and owes you ZERO is not cool with me. I have dumped a lot of people and I never treat them with no respect. It's not right. I actually treat them very nicely and answer questions and do that whole bit and now we are all friends and they respect me and I respect them. I don't act like a 14 year old in adult romantic relationships like many here seem to.

 

Don't project. People aren't you. Let go of your expectations because it'll only keep disappointing you. Best thing to do is accept your situation for what it is and start moving forward. He doesn't owe you anything, even if you believe you do.

[Ilovepizzalady]

all humans owe each other respect. that's how i operate. I may be changing my opinion of him b/c it's not attractive.

[Zahara]

all humans owe each other respect. that's how i operate. I may be changing my opinion of him b/c it's not attractive.

 

That's how you perceive it to be. Again, you can't project and if you want to project these ideals on others, you'll be sorely disappointed. If he is looking unattractive, that's a good thing. It will help you move on.

[Ilovepizzalady]

That's how you perceive it to be. Again, you can't project and if you want to project these ideals on others, you'll be sorely disappointed. If he is looking unattractive, that's a good thing. It will help you move on.

 

Of course this is how I perceive it to be, and it's my opinion, therefore it affects how I see him. It's not right (according to ME).

[VeveCakes]

Well he was responding in a normal way until december, and i sent him a couple of texts with no response. obviously i won't send any more but wondering what changed his behavior. It's fine to say he doesn't owe me but that doesn't mean there isn't an explanation behind it.

 

The explanation is he has a gf who he is respecting. You just don't like the explanation.

[Ilovepizzalady]

The explanation is he has a gf who he is respecting. You just don't like the explanation.

 

That's a fine explanation and a respectful adult would tell his ex why. I'm sorry you can't see the nuance in what I said.

[Zahara]

Of course this is how I perceive it to be, and it's my opinion, therefore it affects how I see him. It's not right (according to ME).

 

I'm trying to explain that if you keep stirring yourself up because he's not responding the way you want him to, you're only keeping yourself stuck. Once you are able to accept that people will never be able to live up or agree to your standards, you'll be able to let go of expectations and find acceptance and journey into moving on a lot sooner.

[Ilovepizzalady]

He's certainly not meeting my breakup standards. It's perfectly ok to judge people by your own standards

[VeveCakes]

That's a fine explanation and a respectful adult would tell his ex why. I'm sorry you can't see the nuance in what I said.

 

ughhh has nothing to do with nuance...its the fact it is what it is and you can't accept it. He doesn't owe you an explanation. You have to close the door yourself on this one. Perhaps he doesn't want to argue in circles with you about why he can't speak anymore.

[Ilovepizzalady]

ughhh has nothing to do with nuance...its the fact it is what it is and you can't accept it. He doesn't owe you an explanation. You have to close the door yourself on this one. Perhaps he doesn't want to argue in circles with you about why he can't speak anymore.

 

According to my OWN standards, he DOES owe me an explanation. According to your (and his) standards, he doesn't owe me an explanation. I judge him by my OWN standards, do you see?

[Ilovepizzalady]

I don't argue in circles with him. I have just had friendly conversations unrelated to the relationship. He brought up the relationship and how sorry he was and all that emotional stuff last time, and I didn't respond to it in any emotional way.

 

By my standards of respect, he's failing.

[VeveCakes]

According to my OWN standards, he DOES owe me an explanation. According to your (and his) standards, he doesn't owe me an explanation. I judge him by my OWN standards, do you see?

 

oh my god....I got your point about 10 posts ago.

 

But the question what are you going to do about it? Harass him until he gives you an answer? Good luck with that... Judge him with whatever standards you want, the point is that he will do what he wants regardless of YOUR wants.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I said earlier I wouldn't reach out again (I sent him two texts he didn't respond to).

[dumbass2]

That's a fine explanation and a respectful adult would tell his ex why. I'm sorry you can't see the nuance in what I said.

 

As far as the dumper giving an explanation? Here is what usually happens if they try to give one.

 

1. They are honest with what the issue(s) was/were. Ex begs and pleads that they will or have changed or put blame on them. Dumper has moved on and does not want to hear it. They usually feel that they have told you during the relationship or at least gave big hints and you did nothing then.

 

2. They give some reason like "it's me, not you" or some other soft excuse as to not hurt you. They don't want to feel guilty for seeing you cry and hurting you. The person that dumps you usually does still care, but aren't in love with you any more when they break up.

 

Dumpers a lot of times will not give any good reason when breaking up. Never tell you the truth. You work on issues during the relationship. Dumpees usually thought there was nothing wrong and were blind sided. Not true. Once away from the break up (if you have good self awareness) you can look back and see the issues more clearly and don't need to hear it from the ex. Sometimes people can just fall out of love after an accumulation of small things that just add up. Bottom line is that they no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you. Did not see a future with you. The dumper, at the end and probably for a time before, did not feel the way you did and put on an act as they were figuring out when and how to finally break up with you.

 

I understand how you feel. I felt the same way, but you can't force someone else to act the way you do. To have the same morals and values as you. You can't change people because YOU want them to act a certain way. The only thing you can say to yourself is that you don't even want that kind of person in your life. That you can control.