Lost. Love, But No Partnership.

[LostAcross]

Thank you for being here and reading. I am lost, fearful, and don't have anyone to really talk this out with.

 

The D word came up last week. Mostly from my end (I am not happy in our relationship) though he was the first to ask if that was what needed to be done.

 

To start with, we've been married for a few years. I have a child from a previous relationship, we have one child together. We are good friends-- that is we get on well. We can talk about the world, enjoy some mutual entertainments.

 

When it comes to us as a couple, though... it's like we're roommates, not partners. We will talk, I'll think we're on the same page, and then when it comes down to it it's like we never had the conversation. I don't know if I have any trust left, even if I still have some love.

 

We said we wanted to have a child together. But since he was born, its always me, because it's "easier" for me. It's been years of this. I'll ask him to read through paperwork I filled out alone, he doesn't. I am stressed about something unrelated to husband, but I'm not doing enough at home. We went out of town for MY friend's shower. I told him for months before he should spend time with, feed, be alone with baby and get used to it so I could GO OUT TO DINNER. When the day comes, he's forgotten about all of these conversations. Is upset that I'm going to go out to dinner. I go anyway. He calls endlessly during, because the baby was crying. Then storms out when I come back. I have absolutely been avoiding being my own person, because that was embarrassing (to be an ass about me going to dinner with my friends that I live hours away from, in front them), hurtful (I thought we understood this was important to me, I had talked about it as nauseum beforehand), and so disheartening. I thought he was my partner.

 

This feels like the pattern. And this was 2 years ago now. It's like he only gives damn when I check out.

 

He constantly checks through my phone and makes fake accounts to check up on what I'm doing social-media wise. The entirety of our relationship. I have never cheated. I haven't thought about it. I don't talk to anyone anymore. It's too much hassle to worry that he may find it and be upset about something that I've said. He gets upset at any mention of my past, and I don't understand. I have memories. I had a life before him. I had experiences and feelings.

 

Now I just don't know if there is anything real between us. He's been working on his patience and being more involved with the kids since we first talked divorce. He says he wants to work on it. That I just need to have faith that it can work out, and then it will. I can see his efforts with the kids. I can.

 

But how do I get my goddamn self back into this equation when I've been gone for so long? I love him, but don't feel like I'm loving myself in this marriage. He's been reasonably supportive of my hobbies and passions, but his resentmentl of anything I do outside of him and us is palpable to me-- even when he says he's supportive.

 

How do I know what to do? If I stay, am I gone as an individual? If I go do I give up a marriage with my friend that I do care for?

 

We moved across the country together. Away from all of my friends and family. We haven't made any friends or connections here. He says he wants friends, I want friends. I tried once, found a couple with a kid that seemed cool, but I had to drag and pull him into that social interaction, and it was more effort than it was worth without him wanting to do that. He says he wants to do these things. But then hates it, and makes me so depressed without someone to share these things with.

 

 

 

I just feel so alone in my marriage. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to get divorced, but I think it's the only way to get myself back.

 

What do I do? Where do I go from here? We've been talking. I think he's distressed and thinks I'm already out the door, even when I'm not sure. I'm trying to articulate my feelings, he comes back to "I've been trying with the kids, can't you see that?"

[mikeylo]

Try counseling or therapy, individual and couples, both.

[vla1120]

What Mikeylo said - try therapy. If he won't go with you, go by yourself.

 

He seems very mistrusting. Has he been cheated on in the past by someone else perhaps? My niece and her husband often fight about this same thing. She wants to go out with her friends. He calls her and texts her with ten thousand questions that she thinks he should be able to answer on his own. It may be more of a tactic to let you know he doesn't want you out with your friends. Either way, I think therapy is the answer - for both of you - but since you can only control yourself at this point, you can start the process and ask him to join in. Good luck!