moved and now ex refuses to consider changing visitation

[robkris8079]

The ex and I used to live about 10 miles apart. This worked rather well for our one child we had together but the city we were in was a high crime rate and was 40 miles from my job and family. Due to the housing market crash I had to tough it out there until I could afford to move.

 

I have since moved on and now have two more beautiful children with a women I have been with for 10 years. We purchased a house that is 28-32 miles away from the original location depending on the route you take. Court order said over 30 I had to notify the ex. So this can go either way I guess?!? She knew we were moving and which towns we were looking. I did not draft a formal letter though.

 

Now that our daughter has started school in our new town the ex will not budge on any sort of visitation change. I offered more time on weekends as long as our daughter had more time at our house during the school year. Then on vacations and summer vacation we can swap it. More time during week at her mothers and I get more weekends.

 

I have always chosen the doctors, schools etc. For the first several years I was the custodial parent and primary residence. Her mother started playing a greater role in her life and it was changed to 50/50. Which is great in my mind. I have no issues with not receiving support and none with her mother being a part of her life.

 

I just wish she would budge because my only other options is finding someone willing to come to my house at 6am to watch my other kids while I go pickup my daughter before school 2-3 times a week, then find someone and pay them to watch my other kids while I drop my daughter off to her mothers or the worst of all load up all the kids (3month old and 3 year old) at 6am and 6pm several times a week. The drop off and pick up is mid way and is about a 45-50 minute round trip. The times I need to drop off or pickup my daughter doesn't work with my fiance's schedule. She is a nurse and works an erratic schedule and 13+hour shifts.

 

I hate the fact my daughter spent most of her life in a car commuting and now I am having to do it to my other children. My daughters mother lived two states over for awhile so we would meet in the middle state. Thank God this is New England and most of the states are close. I feel horrible.

 

I don't want to go back to court and honestly I am scared. The court system has not treated me too well through this ordeal. Refused divorce, refused amount of child support the mother was giving, then totally cancelled child support and made custody and expenses 50/50, almost tried to make me pay child support and now if I go back they will probably tell me to move back to the ghetto I came from.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now that our daughter has started school in our new town the ex will not budge on any sort of visitation change. I offered more time on weekends as long as our daughter had more time at our house during the school year. Then on vacations and summer vacation we can swap it. More time during week at her mothers and I get more weekends.

 

Since your daughter must be a preteen, how does her school week work if custody is split Monday - Friday?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Raena]

I don't understand what your schedule looks like. She goes to school near where you live but you have to drive her to her mother's at night and in the morning 2 - 3 days a week? Why isn't her mother sharing that load... or does she meet you halfway?

 

Unfortunately, the only way you can make her mother change the current plan is to take it back to court. If you don't want to risk that, then you'll have to deal with it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I feel for you. I traveled about that distance and then back to work in the mornings only to repeat in the afternoon. For seven years. It was hard, but I did it so I could spend time with my kids.

[Miss Peach]

I'm in a similar boat to your ex. My XH moved an hour away with a 50/50 schedule and always complains how much driving he has to do. My work is the opposite direction and there are no jobs for my field anywhere near where he chose to move to or else I would try to be a little more flexible. I am a bit flexible on timing (picking up early/late) and his parents live near me so sometimes we use them for exchanges when he doesn't want to sit in traffic, but dd has to spend a lot of time in the car and he has to drive a lot.

 

I know you won't like this, but I in my situation I view it as he chose to move so far away so he's going to have to do the extra work to make it work. We both used to live in the same part of town. I have paid a lot extra to keep her in this part of town and close to her school.

[springy]

I know you won't like this, but I in my situation I view it as he chose to move so far away so he's going to have to do the extra work to make it work. We both used to live in the same part of town. I have paid a lot extra to keep her in this part of town and close to her school.

 

Sorry but I have to agree with this. She *knew* you were moving but it doesn't sound like you ever had a conversation about what that would mean, and upon discovery of how inconvenient it is for you, you want her to oblige. I get why you wanted to make the move, but without having had this conversation before doing so, you're kind of...out of luck, barring any new decisions made by the court. And you are right - it very well may not go in your favor.

 

I assume your daughter is in her teens? Maybe after your lease is up (assuming you didn't purchase the home) you can move closer for the duration of your daughter's high school years? You'll just have to decide which sacrifice you can live with and roll with it until your daughter is grown.

[robkris8079]

Since your daughter must be a preteen, how does her school week work if custody is split Monday - Friday?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It doesn't work.

 

 

I don't understand what your schedule looks like. She goes to school near where you live but you have to drive her to her mother's at night and in the morning 2 - 3 days a week? Why isn't her mother sharing that load... or does she meet you halfway?

 

Unfortunately, the only way you can make her mother change the current plan is to take it back to court. If you don't want to risk that, then you'll have to deal with it.

 

the schedule was a two week rotation. Alternating weekends and alternating MON, TUES, and WEDs. Very confusing I know but was the one her mother picked so I was going along with it.

 

We were sharing the load and meeting halfway. But this isn't working because now I would have to wake up two other kids at 5am to meet in the middle. Then drag them out at 5pm to again meet in the middle.

 

 

I feel for you. I traveled about that distance and then back to work in the mornings only to repeat in the afternoon. For seven years. It was hard, but I did it so I could spend time with my kids.

 

I understand doing it to spend time with kids. I don't want to take time away from her mother. Just rearrange the schedule a bit so more quality time and less of these mini trip. As it was my daughter would get to her mothers at 7pm, be in bed at 9pm, awake 6am next morning to meet in middle.

 

I'm in a similar boat to your ex. My XH moved an hour away with a 50/50 schedule and always complains how much driving he has to do. My work is the opposite direction and there are no jobs for my field anywhere near where he chose to move to or else I would try to be a little more flexible. I am a bit flexible on timing (picking up early/late) and his parents live near me so sometimes we use them for exchanges when he doesn't want to sit in traffic, but dd has to spend a lot of time in the car and he has to drive a lot.

 

I know you won't like this, but I in my situation I view it as he chose to move so far away so he's going to have to do the extra work to make it work. We both used to live in the same part of town. I have paid a lot extra to keep her in this part of town and close to her school.

 

Yeah I hate all the time my daughter spends in the car. I know I chose to move. I totally see this side of it and understand. It does fall on me. I don't complain about the driving. I just want to swap times and make adjustments so I don't have to bring all the kids with me. But she wasn't budging at all. If I had to bring all the kids in the morning, nobody would be ontime for work, school or daycare. I tried to get out of the house quick the other day with them all. Hour and a half later I finally pulled out of my driveway .

 

Sorry but I have to agree with this. She *knew* you were moving but it doesn't sound like you ever had a conversation about what that would mean, and upon discovery of how inconvenient it is for you, you want her to oblige. I get why you wanted to make the move, but without having had this conversation before doing so, you're kind of...out of luck, barring any new decisions made by the court. And you are right - it very well may not go in your favor.

 

I assume your daughter is in her teens? Maybe after your lease is up (assuming you didn't purchase the home) you can move closer for the duration of your daughter's high school years? You'll just have to decide which sacrifice you can live with and roll with it until your daughter is grown.

 

We had the conversation about it. We agreed the person who has our child would drive all the way. This was agreed upon but my gf was on maternity leave so decided to meet in the middle until she went back to work. Well she went back to work and that conversation I guess was forgotten.

 

My daughter is pre teen. I do not have a lease. I sold my last home and purchased another that is large enough for my whole family in an excellent, safe town, with great schools. Not to mention dirt cheap taxes . I will not be moving until I am ready to retire and downsizing.

 

Her mother had a lease and was actually moving out the same way I bought a house. She had some sort of deal even before I was moving but I guess it hasn't panned out yet. I actually have actively been searching for rents closer for her that are in safe areas and good deals. Also something that would be quick drive to her job.

 

In conclusion we finally struck a deal. She bent on changing the schedule. It's not the chaotic back and forth it once was. I get Sun-Tues, her mother gets Weds-Friday and Saturday alternates. She drives all the way in the morning for school, I drive her all the way back. We meet in the middle on weekends. Weekends are easier because nobody is rushing to get somewhere.

 

I do drive a little more and I had to make arrangements with work to leave early. Either by using paid time off or coming in early. But I don't have to wake up the babies at 5am. So this is a fair deal I think. Now lets hope this works for awhile.

[Mr. Lucky]

I sold my last home and purchased another that is large enough for my whole family in an excellent, safe town, with great schools. Not to mention dirt cheap taxes . I will not be moving until I am ready to retire and downsizing.

 

Sounds great for everyone but one member of your "whole family".

 

You've created a situation where you risk having your daughter think you've chosen your new life and new family over her, an impression your ex may be working to reinforce. This could be supported by any concerns you have - and I understand the logistics - about the driving.

 

You should carefully think about all the consequences for everyone involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[robkris8079]

Sounds great for everyone but one member of your "whole family".

 

You've created a situation where you risk having your daughter think you've chosen your new life and new family over her, an impression your ex may be working to reinforce. This could be supported by any concerns you have - and I understand the logistics - about the driving.

 

You should carefully think about all the consequences for everyone involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

What member is this not great for? How is the situation in any way going to make my daughter think I chose her siblings and soon to be step mom over her? What consequences?

 

Please elaborate because I do not understand any of what you said.

[Mr. Lucky]

The ex and I used to live about 10 miles apart.

I have since moved on and now have two more beautiful children with a women I have been with for 10 years. We purchased a house that is 28-32 miles away from the original location depending on the route you take.

 

You've moved, creating a situation by your description where you "hate the fact my daughter spent most of her life in a car commuting". I'd guess she feels the same.

 

I understand the upside of the move for you but you'd have to agree it's come at some cost to her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[robkris8079]

You've moved, creating a situation by your description where you "hate the fact my daughter spent most of her life in a car commuting". I'd guess she feels the same.

 

I understand the upside of the move for you but you'd have to agree it's come at some cost to her...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The upside is not for just me. It was for my daughter too. I will put this burden of driving on her if this is the only way I can get her the safe neighborhood and education she is getting now.

 

Yes she does hate the driving. Often doesn't want to go to her mothers at all. But it's her mother. She get's to nap now on the rides. It's only about 40 minutes in the car. Which is way better than when her mother moved 100 miles away. That was hours in the car. I have only moved once in 13 years. Her mother has moved about 5-6 times in that same span.

 

No way bad mouthing her mother. She made some choices and dealt with them. She does all she can for her daughter now and it's great.

[minimariah]

Often doesn't want to go to her mothers at all.

 

& you don't find this concerning at all...?

 

if i were you, i'd pay attention to her relationship with the mother because 5 years from now... when she'll have more activites + her social life will blossom... she won't want to see her mom AT ALL. work on it NOW while you still can.

[Popsicle]

Near whose home does she go to school?

 

Btw I HATE living where I do now, but I stay because it's where my kids father is and where they go yo school. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your kids. You and your ex wife sound selfish and clueless.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Popsicle

[robkris8079]

& you don't find this concerning at all...?

 

if i were you, i'd pay attention to her relationship with the mother because 5 years from now... when she'll have more activites + her social life will blossom... she won't want to see her mom AT ALL. work on it NOW while you still can.

 

I have no way to pay attention to their relationship other than what my daughter says. She loves her mother and wants to see her. I think it's just 11 year old attitude sometimes. That and no wifi at her mothers .

 

Near whose home does she go to school?

 

Btw I HATE living where I do now, but I stay because it's where my kids father is and where they go yo school. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your kids. You and your ex wife sound selfish and clueless.

 

My daughter has always gone to school where I live. I was the custodial parent up until a couple of years ago. I didn't lose that because I did anything wrong. Her mother got some back because she started doing some things right. Which is a great thing!

 

I make a ton of sacrifices for my kids. Not sure what is selfish and clueless? I have never been accused of any of those before. Was I supposed to stay where I was? In a city with crime on the rise, a horrible school system, in a house that didn't fit my family, 40 miles from work so I spend 2 hours a day commuting and NOT seeing any of my children, 30 miles from all our family who love my children and help take care of them so I can stay right next to my daughters mother? The only person up there is my daughters mother who was trying to move before even I was. But if you see me as selfish and clueless feel free. There is always more than one point of view.

 

As adults do this was discussed and worked through. Nobody is happy but nobody is miserable and fighting. It was a good compromise. I drive a tiny bit more than her mother and that is ok because I don't have to bring all the kids with me for the trips. My daughter spends less time on the trips because since not stopping and meeting in the middle it's straight through and the times were setup to avoid rush hour traffic. I do have to miss some work once in awhile. But that is fine with me to make this work.

 

and Popsicle I know the feeling of hating where you live. It is a horrible feeling and I hope that you make steps to change that and still be close to your children. If your unhappy about anything at all these darn kids always seem to feel that energy. It's like they have super powers

Edited January 9, 2017 by robkris8079

[hippychick3]

I agree with those who have said you made your choice to move and are now facing the consequences. This should have all been considered and ironed out BEFORE moving. Part of coparenting after divorce is sacrificing. It comes with the territory until the child turns 18. I am living in a town I no longer want to live it but am required to for mine and my ex's visitation schedule. I'm in a LDR because I can't move and won't until my daughter is 18. It's a sacrifice, and I deal with it because 1) I know my ex would not agree to any changes and 2) I want my daughter's life to be as normal and stress- free as possible. Therefore, it's very difficult to feel sympathy for you, OP.

[anika99]

Sorry OP, I don't mean to pile on but I agree with the other posters. You have to accept the consequences of the choices you made. You make it sound like it's outrageous for a parent to stay somewhere they don't like for the sake of the kids but parents do it all the time. When my kids were little I stayed for years in a neighborhood I hated because my youngest son had learning disabilities and I finally had him in a school that was really helping him so there was no way I was going to take that away from him.

 

I also had to pass on a couple of great job opportunities because the hours and location did not fit into my role as a parent. You made the choice to have more children and you made the choice to move. Now those choices don't make you a bad person but your daughter and your ex should not be expected to sacrafice for your choices. Actually it's your current partner who should be stepping up to the plate and sacrificing to help you as she and you chose this situation together. I too feel bad that your daughter has to spend so much time commuting. It's a shame that you put her in that situation.

[robkris8079]

I agree with those who have said you made your choice to move and are now facing the consequences. This should have all been considered and ironed out BEFORE moving. Part of coparenting after divorce is sacrificing. It comes with the territory until the child turns 18. I am living in a town I no longer want to live it but am required to for mine and my ex's visitation schedule. I'm in a LDR because I can't move and won't until my daughter is 18. It's a sacrifice, and I deal with it because 1) I know my ex would not agree to any changes and 2) I want my daughter's life to be as normal and stress- free as possible. Therefore, it's very difficult to feel sympathy for you, OP.

 

I don't need any sympathy. This has all worked out. I coparented. It was discussed that I was moving for 2 years. It was discussed where I was moving too. A plan was set in place but after the move happened the plan did not go through. She decided the plan wasn't what she wanted.

 

I totally understand staying in a place for your kids but a crime infested city or moving to a nice town. At that point are you doing your kid a favor? The schools there had to have armed police officers in them.

 

[]

 

I moved to another place. Did not ignore any court orders. Order was I can move 30 miles away. I moved 30 miles away. Few miles less if you take one route a couple miles more if you take a different route. Probably only 20 miles as a crow flies. The order didn't state driving or ariel miles. The mileage DOES change depending on which way you go. If we are reading court orders word for word it DOES matter. I did inform the ex wife. She knew for two years. As far as in writing I can find numerous emails and texts informing her of this move. She aslo signed papers on the sale of my home. Yes her name was still on it because she decided to take a 27k home equity loan right before she split and moved out of state, without her kid. The market crashed and the house was worthless so my choices were to walk away and still pay money or just tough it out and provide a house for my kid.

 

[]

 

Sorry OP, I don't mean to pile on but I agree with the other posters. You have to accept the consequences of the choices you made. You make it sound like it's outrageous for a parent to stay somewhere they don't like for the sake of the kids but parents do it all the time. When my kids were little I stayed for years in a neighborhood I hated because my youngest son had learning disabilities and I finally had him in a school that was really helping him so there was no way I was going to take that away from him.

 

I also had to pass on a couple of great job opportunities because the hours and location did not fit into my role as a parent. You made the choice to have more children and you made the choice to move. Now those choices don't make you a bad person but your daughter and your ex should not be expected to sacrafice for your choices. Actually it's your current partner who should be stepping up to the plate and sacrificing to help you as she and you chose this situation together. I too feel bad that your daughter has to spend so much time commuting. It's a shame that you put her in that situation.

 

I think it is outrageous for a parent to stay in a place that is no longer safe, or provides adequate education for my child, or in a place that requires 2 hours of commuting to and from work a day which is time away from my child. Every situation is different. I moved only once since my daughter was born. I moved at a time when she was going into middle school just so she wouldn't be the only one starting a new school.

 

I have passed on many jobs and have been in my current one for 15 years underpaid just because they work with me on family situations. Allowing me to make up time, come in late or leave early in an instant. My current partner has acted like nothing but a mother to my daughter since before my daughter can walk/talk or anything. I have made my daughters life better in every way with this move except she is 18 miles further away from her mother than she was before. I agree that is significant but like mentioned earlier her mother was trying to buy a house before I even sold mine. Had she got her house this situation would have been flipped. Her mother would have been the one who moved and I stuck in the same place. Her deal hasn't gone through and mine did. Eventually she will move and it will be just as it was before.

 

Everyone can feel free to continue to lay on their feelings about my selfish behavior. I really came here to hear these things because it allows me to see the ex-wifes side of things. It's almost like you all are HER and it really helps. I love my family. I love my kids, my partner hell I even feel for the ex. I want nothing but good things for her and for her to succeed because her happy and doing well makes our daughter happy.

 

This has all worked out. Her mother doesn't drive nearly as much as me, not much at all more than before (longer trip but only twice). The change in schedule will make it only one drop off and pickup during school vacations as opposed to the 4 it would have been with the old schedule. During school I take on the bulk of the driving. I even discussed with the ex about enrolling our daughter in school in her town instead of mine since we are 50/50 custody now. This apparently was not something the ex wanted. We are co-parenting, coexisting and things are working out. My daughter is a straight A student in a school that actually challengers her, she is on the volleyball team, already made a ton of friends, and just recently told me her and her mother been doing lots of great things together.

Edited January 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Content related to banned member redacted