How do I get my mind off this guy from work? Feeling hopeless

[Midnightcowgirl]

Got what I thought was my dream job almost two years ago. Met a guy there who I start liking a lot. Shortly after he gets into a relationship with someone else but continues leading me on. Had hope for awhile that maybe he liked me and it wouldn't last between her and him but they're still together and have gotten pretty serious. At this point it had become an obsession. He would flirt with me all the time. It would get my hopes up. Then he would go and profess his love for her on social media, or she would post about how happy they are. I would get jealous seeing him around with other women. And he would flirt with another woman at work besides me. A third lady at work would try to separate us when me and him were talking. She would get in between us and ask me to do something or give me hateful looks and try to intimidate me. Ive taken steps to get him off my mind. From the beginning I dated other guys to keep my options open but I didn't find someone who I have a connection with and attraction to. Not trying to be picky but I kind of need both. I have been ignoring him for months and not even saying hi when I see him. It's worked to an extent and I know him and I are not gonna be together. Yet when I see him, I'm still EXTREMELEY attracted to him and hurt and disappointed that he can't be mine. I just never show it. I have a really good job so Getting another job isn't an option right now. Any advice on getting over this obsession and getting him off my mind for good? When I have to see him almost everyday. I deserve better I just haven't FOUND better

[Miss Clavel]

wow, that's a lot of emotional energy to spend on anyone and still get your work done.

 

let's say, down the road he realizes you are the one for him and he tells you that he wants to be with you, live with you, full time, it's on.

 

there is not going to be any let up of your mental obsession because, he's shallow, he's still going to go around flirting with every woman he sees. and you will spend all your time, fighting woman off, crying, arguing with him and trying to change him. never being able to feel sure.

 

it's easy to say, let him go. it's hard to do, esp. when you have to see him at work.

 

just tell yourself, over and over, like a mantra, "he's not for me, he's not the one".

 

be practical. if he was yours, you'd have to sleep with one eye open. you'd never feel secure.

 

don't settle.

[Logan787]

What really sticks out to me in your Post is the fact that you said this guy flirts with other women....a lot. Look long term and think this. EVEN IF you were to land this guy, ask yourself this. Do you REALLY want to be in a serious relationship with a guy who is a proven player. He's flirting with other women right now WHILE he is in a serious relationship. So why would it be any different with you? Answer: It wouldn't. Yes, you are attracted to him, but after a month or so of dating him, that attraction would wear off and you would be stuck with the REAL GUY. Who is real guy? A PLAYER! You really should look at this as a blessing in disguise that you can't date him. Better the girl he's dating than you. Not being able to date him is really saving you a lot of heartbreak. Eventually, this guy will screw around on the girl he's dating. Because if you TRULY love someone, then you will only have eyes for that person and will have no other desire to flirt with someone else. Find you a guy that only has eyes for YOU. They're out there.

[Midnightcowgirl]

I know he's not good. Which has really turned me off from in the more I realize it. Before I was too blinded by my feelings for him that I brushed all the red flags under the rug. I'm a lot more over him now than I was this time last year. Which means I've made good progress. Now I'm just ready for the next guy to come into my life who I like

[Midnightcowgirl]

At the point it's mostly anger. I'm mad that he played all these games with me and he's still the one that gets to go home to a woman every night? And go on all these fun dates with her.

[Tressugar]

OP,

 

You need a healthy distraction. The more you try not to focus on him, you're still focusing on him.

 

Find an available person to crush on or hang with your girlfriends.

[Miss Clavel]

At the point it's mostly anger. I'm mad that he played all these games with me and he's still the one that gets to go home to a woman every night? And go on all these fun dates with her.

 

trust me, it ain't all fun for her.

[HeCantBreakMe]

wow, that's a lot of emotional energy to spend on anyone and still get your work done.

 

let's say, down the road he realizes you are the one for him and he tells you that he wants to be with you, live with you, full time, it's on.

 

there is not going to be any let up of your mental obsession because, he's shallow, he's still going to go around flirting with every woman he sees. and you will spend all your time, fighting woman off, crying, arguing with him and trying to change him. never being able to feel sure.

 

it's easy to say, let him go. it's hard to do, esp. when you have to see him at work.

 

just tell yourself, over and over, like a mantra, "he's not for me, he's not the one".

 

be practical. if he was yours, you'd have to sleep with one eye open. you'd never feel secure.

 

don't settle.

 

Yes 100% to this above!

[darkmoon]

he is teasing you, laugh at him next time, call him on it, he is kinda bullying you, knew somebody who was like him, he enjoyed targetting me and others, but had a girlfriend, tell him you do not really fancy him maybe

[salparadise]

So he's a one-percenter, eh? One of those guys that all women want and can't quit obsessing over despite resenting him for not reciprocating? You said that he flirts and leads you on, as well as the other women. What does he do or say exactly? Do you really believe it's all his fault, or could it be that you're not fully acknowledging your... well, whatever it is that keeps you so focused on him after all this time. Men have to deal with this all the time––being super attracted to women who titillate but won't give them a shot. All we can do is redirect our thoughts and try to focus on what's real and possible. I think it's interesting how it seems to affect men and women differently. Women aren't used to being on the other side of it.

Edited December 13, 2016 by salparadise

[Midnightcowgirl]

Some of Wat he did, "Accidental" touching. Staring and letting me catch him looking. Staring and looking away when I look back. Always starting convos with me. Opened up about his home life and asked me allot of questions about myself, innocent stuff that made it seem like he wanted to get to know me. Blocked me from walking around him when I walked in on him alone in the office and acted like he was gonna kiss me. Told Me he wants a baby with me. I know it's not ALL him but I have acknowledged what kept me focused on him for so long and took steps to try and correct it (ignoring him,dating other guys) etc. a lot of the guys I dated were just not what I was looking for and I ended up telling most of them I just want to be friends. There was attraction and chemistry missing with some of these guys whicH isn't everything, but is important. I think part of why I haven't moved on is I may have commitment issues and maybe I latched onto him and read into his behavior to try and avoid working through those issues. but who kmows

[LargoLagg]

I know this probably isn't helpful, but I think you should just give him a BJ or bang him, or both, and get it out of your system.

 

I can't understand people who resist long-lasting impulses. Clearly you want to do something with this guy, so get it over with. You already know how it's going to end. Kill the fantasy, turn it into reality. Get it out of your system.

 

What's the worst thing that can happen? That what you already know will come true?

[Midnightcowgirl]

I know this probably isn't helpful, but I think you should just give him a BJ or bang him, or both, and get it out of your system.

 

I can't understand people who resist long-lasting impulses. Clearly you want to do something with this guy, so get it over with. You already know how it's going to end. Kill the fantasy, turn it into reality. Get it out of your system.

 

What's the worst thing that can happen? That what you already know will come true?

 

Him telling everyone we work with about it

[aileD]

Him telling everyone we work with about it

 

Which is stronger? The urge to do it or the urge not to be sex shamed at work

[FoundMyStrength]

Got what I thought was my dream job almost two years ago.

 

A third lady at work would try to separate us when me and him were talking. She would get in between us and ask me to do something or give me hateful looks and try to intimidate me.

 

To me, these are the two most important pieces of your post, MCG. You have what you call your dream job. And you already have people gossiping about you at the office. If there is one lady physically getting in between you and him, there are many more talking and gossiping. As unfortunate as it is, this is the stuff that ruins careers for women. Unless he's your boss, in which case you might have a sexual harassment complaint, he'll come out unscathed. If you take the bait, be ready to be described as a homewrecking wh*re. That's just the reality of our society and its social norms.

 

I say this as someone who was in that position. No one ever found out, but there were a lot of rumors and some physical blocking out maneuvers like you described. I got extremely lucky that no one found out before I ended it. Already, I was beginning to see the effects of just the rumors.

 

If you have a dream job, don't let a man ruin it. Better yet, use this dream job as a way to get another, even better job away from him.

[elaine567]

Him telling everyone we work with about it

 

I think that is a correct assumption.

 

He is the work sex pest, he flirts with everyone and no doubt interrupts the work flow, hence that lady trying to get you back to work and away from him.

Many people love to flirt at work it usually means absolutely nothing, it is fun & it passes the time, but you have become obsessed by this guy and that will be ruining your work and your reputation too.

Time to start taking your job more seriously.

[Midnightcowgirl]

I think that is a correct assumption.

 

He is the work sex pest, he flirts with everyone and no doubt interrupts the work flow, hence that lady trying to get you back to work and away from him.

Many people love to flirt at work it usually means absolutely nothing, it is fun & it passes the time, but you have become obsessed by this guy and that will be ruining your work and your reputation too.

Time to start taking your job more seriously.

You must have read my post wrong. The third lady wasn't separating us because she wanted me to get back to work. She would separate us because she liked him too and got jealous and possessive if he talked to me. I said so myself that it was an obsession, but I also made it clear that I don't show it because I ignore him and have no intentions of ruining his relationship.

[stillafool]

Actually he has no intention of ruining his relationship; he just gets off on all the girls he's working with going nuts over him. He takes all of that energy you guys give him home to her. Just remember no matter how much he flirts with you and the others if he wanted any of you he would have made his move. He didn't so he doesn't but chose another girl he doesn't work with. That should be enough to help you get over this obsession.

[Midnightcowgirl]

Actually he has no intention of ruining his relationship; he just gets off on all the girls he's working with going nuts over him. He takes all of that energy you guys give him home to her. Just remember no matter how much he flirts with you and the others if he wanted any of you he would have made his move. He didn't so he doesn't but chose another girl he doesn't work with. That should be enough to help you get over this obsession.

 

I've made peace with that

[Midnightcowgirl]

It's not Him it's me. He's not the first guy I've been obsessed with . I've been like that since high school wen I find a guy I like. And if it doesn't work out it takes forever to let go because other guys are competely uninteresting to me in comparison. I don't get out of it until I find someone else I actually like. Idk how to fix it

[NTV]

It's not Him it's me. He's not the first guy I've been obsessed with . I've been like that since high school wen I find a guy I like. And if it doesn't work out it takes forever to let go because other guys are competely uninteresting to me in comparison. I don't get out of it until I find someone else I actually like. Idk how to fix it

 

Have you figured out why you like him?

[Midnightcowgirl]

Have you figured out why you like him?

 

I can list the reasons. By now I can also list them things I don't like

[NTV]

So when you look at the reasons why you like him how many of those are legitimate forces how many of those don't even really apply to him when you consider him as the person he is? For example is nice guy on your list because he doesn't meet that criteria right?

[Midnightcowgirl]

So when you look at the reasons why you like him how many of those are legitimate forces how many of those don't even really apply to him when you consider him as the person he is? For example is nice guy on your list because he doesn't meet that criteria right?

Not great.bad qualities are he's a d bag

[Midnightcowgirl]

Part of the problem is how do I start liking someone else? I think I have commitment issues. It sends me running when guys are all sweet or invested so soon. How long before you know if there's magic with someone else? Bc I haven't found any