First Love

[aqrndrmr4612]

My first love, the one that got away... the one I ran away from... I date this girl a long time ago. She was my world when my world was new and still small. We were great together and had lots in common. The breakup was pretty rough, i turned into a little b**** about some drama and shut down instead of making the effort. She was the world to me, and ... I felt like I wasn't good enough for her. So I shut down, eventually pushing the one thing I loved in this world away from me. So yeah I deserved it. I was heartbroken for years after our 3 yrs together. Never really got over her.

 

I was in a depressive spiral for 5 years, i shut myself in and vanished from the world. No one knew where i was in the years that I lost myself in an MMO. It was my sweet escape, until it wasn't. Until the loneliness would start whispering things as I try to drift to sleep. It was the first time in my life where thoughts of just ending it all, how easy it would be to close my eyes on the expressway, how easy to sleep into that dark forever. Until one day through the tears, I realized that with all that forcing myself to rock bottom, with all that self-destruction, that there was something pushing back.

 

Something was pushing back... It was then that I decided to make the changes I needed. I motivated myself to be the "better me". went to school, finished school, got that amazing job, etc. I did everything I wanted to be (almost everything). I'm so much better off than I was years ago, and here I am. Proud and now sad once again. The driving force in my life was be great for yourself, be the guy you wanted to be, be the guy that would've made her happy to walk alongside of you. It was always the first love that i dreamt of when I was with other women at nights... I know it's not right to them but I was never actively pursuing the first love or anything. My problems right now go deeper than this but she is a big part of why I'm falling apart now.

 

A big part of me wanted to show her that I'm not that same guy anymore. I think I wanted to prove to her that I'm not that pathetic shadow that followed her around with no ambition other than to be by her side. I wanted to show her that I made all these changes because I lost her. 13 years later I finally got that chance. Mutual friend unwittingly put us together in a situation where I finally broke NC to talk to her. I felt so nervous and my writer's block turned on so quickly. I was a wreck. She said there are no ill feelings, but chatting with her I can tell she was definitely not all there. Made me sad a little bit but I got to see how she was and she asked how I am. I got to tell her some of the amazing things I've accomplished and I think I might have come across as a little eager. We talked about dogs as she never expected me to ever change and love dogs now. she hasn't responded to my last message and I guess i'm okay with that. I mean it's killing me, maybe because I would like for us to be friends again, but I'm not getting that vibe.

 

I realized even with all the catching up that I don't feel that closure I was hoping was there. I think what happened is that I waited all this time to alleviate myself from the shame and hate for myself and to apologize to someone that doesn't exist anymore. This woman I'm chatting with is no longer the girl I hurt. Why is it so hard for me to realize and accept that I'm not the same guy who hurt her? Future Me can't really apologize to past her can I?

 

Is there some version of this reality that we can be friends again? Even though she says she has no ill feelings doesn't mean there's no stigma associated with my memory. Is there a way after 13 years apart that we can be more? I know that's selfish thinking and contradictory thinking considering I did acknowledge we are different people than we were when we were together. I still know who she is enough to know I'd still like to find out, but am I deluding myself into thinking that there can be more?

 

I've spent so many years in hopes that all that i've accomplished would bring her back into my life (or someone like her as I had hope as faith started to fade). She was my motivation for bettering myself and now that that road feel like it's falling apart I'm losing in myself. I'm a mess, and yes "get over it", "move on" was attempted for so many years and yet here i am again. Hung up on the girl that got away. that i chased away, that i let walk away...

 

Sorry, holidays are rough for me so i did a lot of venting.

 

G

[breakupthrowaway663]

13 years is a long time my friend. You are both literally different people now.

 

A big source of stress and anxiety for you is holding on to this outcome you want with her. Unfortunately, this is life. No outcome is certain. Let go of that outcome. Imagine it drifting away from you and just smile. It's a fantasy.

 

You're a different person now. A first love is utterly blinding. Even if today I saw my first love at the park, my heart would skip a beat. But I've let her go. I had to. My second love was another fire in my heart. But I had to let go again. Both times these felt like impossible tasks.

 

It's difficult, but I promise there is someone for you out there. Let go so they can find you.