Struggling to understand how I meant nothing

[tenderheart27]

I am going through exactly the same situation.

We had been together 5 years and my family had just come to visit.

We were about to move into a new flat together and had already talked about marriage.

I feel as though I put too much pressure on him.

Anyway he broke up with me as we were in bed, and I asked him to take time out and really thing about it (I had no idea about the girl at work he had already lined up) he was very stressed at work and it made me stressed and we forgot to look after each other.

I didnt handle the break and break up very well at all. In the end he ended it via message. He didnt help sort any of our joint affairs and much like ShannonM10 he didnt cheat on my physically but emotionally he had already moved on. They have already been on a 1 month long holiday together and are planning to move away next year. (we live in a small town, and everyone knows everyone and their business)

Its been about 4 months since the break up and I cannot get past it.

We were very stressed out at the time with our jobs etc . I just wondered if your ex is still with the person she broke it off for? He wants to always feel the buzz and i know he acting like when he first met me but with her. Very flirty and wanting her sexually. I am not sure how to take it all, is he in love already?

 

I have really struggled with everything as he really did break my heart. He completely ignores me now. I feel very replaced. Everything we had set out he is now doing with her.

 

Is there any point in thinking he will talk to me ever again?Our break up wasnt the cleanest, but im hoping over time he may forget about the little details, like i am now finding.

 

Also I saw him today. I was talking to our mutual friends at the pub and he came to sit with us. I dont think he realised i was there. He didnt look at me once, he did say hi to the group though.

 

Does he think/feel anything for me?

[Deadmeat]

I am going through exactly the same situation.

We had been together 5 years and my family had just come to visit.

We were about to move into a new flat together and had already talked about marriage.

I feel as though I put too much pressure on him.

Anyway he broke up with me as we were in bed, and I asked him to take time out and really thing about it (I had no idea about the girl at work he had already lined up) he was very stressed at work and it made me stressed and we forgot to look after each other.

I didnt handle the break and break up very well at all. In the end he ended it via message. He didnt help sort any of our joint affairs and much like ShannonM10 he didnt cheat on my physically but emotionally he had already moved on. They have already been on a 1 month long holiday together and are planning to move away next year. (we live in a small town, and everyone knows everyone and their business)

Its been about 4 months since the break up and I cannot get past it.

We were very stressed out at the time with our jobs etc . I just wondered if your ex is still with the person she broke it off for? He wants to always feel the buzz and i know he acting like when he first met me but with her. Very flirty and wanting her sexually. I am not sure how to take it all, is he in love already?

 

I have really struggled with everything as he really did break my heart. He completely ignores me now. I feel very replaced. Everything we had set out he is now doing with her.

 

Is there any point in thinking he will talk to me ever again?Our break up wasnt the cleanest, but im hoping over time he may forget about the little details, like i am now finding.

 

Also I saw him today. I was talking to our mutual friends at the pub and he came to sit with us. I dont think he realised i was there. He didnt look at me once, he did say hi to the group though.

 

Does he think/feel anything for me?

 

He knew you were there.

[tenderheart27]

He knew you were there.

 

Yes what I mean is he didnt see me at first as I was sitting behind someone.

 

Should I try and make contact?

 

He is acting our relationship with his new girlfriend. Its so hurtful.

The way he is and was with me, he is now with her.

[tenderheart27]

My ex overlapped me with a girl he met at work. He didn't cheat physically, just emotionally. We were very stressed out at the time with our jobs etc . I just wondered if your ex is still with the person she broke it off for? He wants to always feel the buzz and i know he acting like when he first met me but with her. Very flirty and wanting her sexually. I am not sure how to take it all, is he in love already?

 

I have really struggled with everything as he really did break my heart. He completely ignores me now. I feel very replaced. Everything we had set out he is now doing with her. We had been seeing each other just over 4 years.

 

Is there any point in thinking he will talk to me ever again?Our break up wasn't the cleanest, I really didnt handle it very well at all (crying, begging, not giving space, etc ), but i'm hoping over time he may forget about the little details, like i am now finding.

He broke up with me in august..and started properly with the new girl a week later.

 

Since the break up they have been on a 1 month long holiday and are planning to move together soon and spent the holidays together at her family house.

 

He never wanted to hang out with my family. I'm not sure what I did so wrong.

 

Anyway I saw him today, (hadn't seen him or spoken to him in over 1 month) I was with our mutual friends having some lunch and he joined our group. I dont think he realised i was there at first. He said hi to the group but never looked at me directly. He spent most of the time on his phone, messaging his girlfriend.

 

Should I talk to him if I see him again? We live in a very small town. I know in my heart that we could have worked, if life pressures hadnt got in the way.

 

He 'gave me' up so easily and jumped ship when things got tough...his reasons for breaking up with me were because he loved me but wasnt in love with me and that i needed more experience in relationships because i got annoyed when he was out all night smoking pot, he only smokes once in a while. I know the last argument we had I did over react, I knew he smoked and wanted to have fun with friends, and I wanted him to see friends.

 

also from what my friends say, this girl is very similar to me. has he just transferred his feelings to her? why did he pick someone similar in looks/personality? I know i shouldnt compare, its just so hard not too.

 

Thanks for your help

[aileD]

He 'gave me' up so easily and jumped ship when things got tough

 

Ignore all the other stuff. Read the above.

 

Why would you want a future with someone like that? You aren't even married to him yet and, no disrespect, but the real hard parts of life haven't even happened yet. Marriage is. It easy and it brings with it many hard issues and bad times and tough time you must get thru.

 

And he just left you when things got tough. In my opinion--you dodged a bullet. You found his true character and response to stress NOW. Consider yourself lucky as some women are finding it out after a couple kids and an affair.

 

There is someone out there for you that won't leave you when things get tough. Hold out doebthst person.

 

And forget all the stuff about the new girlfriend. They won't last and hell do the same thing to her so none of it matters. It's not you...or her. It's him

 

Move on without him.

[Philosoraptor]

Your focus is all wrong. You need to worry about you, and not them.

 

What have you done lately to further your own happiness? Have you found a new hobby? Joined a club or group?

 

Make your life about you, and figure out what you need to do to be happy. The answer is not another person, but within you.

[VeveCakes]

It sounds like he may have been seeing her while they were together.

 

He doesn't want to be with you now, no matter how much it hurts you have to accept it and move on.

 

How do you know about their holidays and holiday plans? You need to not be stalking his life and focus on your own. What are you doing to keep busy?

 

Im sorry this has happened. He is a real dick.

[Redhead14]

My ex overlapped me with a girl he met at work. He didn't cheat physically, just emotionally. We were very stressed out at the time with our jobs etc . I just wondered if your ex is still with the person she broke it off for? He wants to always feel the buzz and i know he acting like when he first met me but with her. Very flirty and wanting her sexually. I am not sure how to take it all, is he in love already?

 

I have really struggled with everything as he really did break my heart. He completely ignores me now. I feel very replaced. Everything we had set out he is now doing with her. We had been seeing each other just over 4 years.

 

Is there any point in thinking he will talk to me ever again?Our break up wasn't the cleanest, I really didnt handle it very well at all (crying, begging, not giving space, etc ), but i'm hoping over time he may forget about the little details, like i am now finding.

He broke up with me in august..and started properly with the new girl a week later.

 

Since the break up they have been on a 1 month long holiday and are planning to move together soon and spent the holidays together at her family house.

 

He never wanted to hang out with my family. I'm not sure what I did so wrong.

 

Anyway I saw him today, (hadn't seen him or spoken to him in over 1 month) I was with our mutual friends having some lunch and he joined our group. I dont think he realised i was there at first. He said hi to the group but never looked at me directly. He spent most of the time on his phone, messaging his girlfriend.

 

Should I talk to him if I see him again? We live in a very small town. I know in my heart that we could have worked, if life pressures hadnt got in the way.

 

He 'gave me' up so easily and jumped ship when things got tough...his reasons for breaking up with me were because he loved me but wasnt in love with me and that i needed more experience in relationships because i got annoyed when he was out all night smoking pot, he only smokes once in a while. I know the last argument we had I did over react, I knew he smoked and wanted to have fun with friends, and I wanted him to see friends.

 

also from what my friends say, this girl is very similar to me. has he just transferred his feelings to her? why did he pick someone similar in looks/personality? I know i shouldnt compare, its just so hard not too.

 

Thanks for your help

 

He was never very emotionally invested in you. He didn't just "flip a switch".

 

and started properly with the new girl a week later. -- Started properly? I doubt it. He likely had a relationship with her before things ended with you. And, even if it did, it's a rebound and so their relationship doesn't have much chance for success either.

 

in my heart that we could have worked, if life pressures hadnt got in the way. -- A strong relationship weathers life pressures. They don't "get in the way".

 

Focus on YOU and your needs.

[tenderheart27]

 

How do you know about their holidays and holiday plans? You need to not be stalking his life and focus on your own. What are you doing to keep busy?

 

Im sorry this has happened. He is a real dick.

 

We live in such a small community and have they same circle of friends so it doesn't ever feel like I can get away from the issue.

 

Since I have been on holiday by myself and got a job further away (start in 2 weeks) but I can't drop him from my mind.

 

I saw him today randomly, and we talked just in general. I was nervous at first but then I realised that I had spent 4 1/2 years with this man.

 

He didn't really mention his girlfriend, maybe he was trying to spare my feelings? It made me miss him and feel a little empty. We talked about his mum and Christmas. I gave him some Christmas idea presents for her that he liked. He asked how my family was etc. I know the man I was dating has gone but I still struggle to let go, as I know that man has decided that he just wants those things with a different woman.

[tenderheart27]

He was never very emotionally invested in you. He didn't just "flip a switch".

 

and started properly with the new girl a week later. -- Started properly? I doubt it. He likely had a relationship with her before things ended with you. And, even if it did, it's a rebound and so their relationship doesn't have much chance for success either.

 

in my heart that we could have worked, if life pressures hadnt got in the way. -- A strong relationship weathers life pressures. They don't "get in the way".

 

Focus on YOU and your needs.

 

Why would he stay with me for 4 years if he wasn't invested? My heart is truly broken. I truly believe his new relationship ship will last, he even said today he was also moving and starting fresh

[Redhead14]

Why would he stay with me for 4 years if he wasn't invested? My heart is truly broken. I truly believe his new relationship ship will last, he even said today he was also moving and starting fresh

 

Because it was easier . . . it was convenient. Lot's of people stay in relationships for years and operating on auto-pilot so to speak until one day, for some reason, they wake up. He was OK with the status quo . . .

 

How did your relationship start with him? How did it develop?

[tenderheart27]

Because it was easier . . . it was convenient. Lot's of people stay in relationships for years and operating on auto-pilot so to speak until one day, for some reason, they wake up. He was OK with the status quo . . .

 

How did your relationship start with him? How did it develop?

 

We met in the pub I worked in. Then his friend got us talking and it started from there.

 

He said that he always had eyes for me and told his friends he was going to marry me one day.

 

We hooked up, but I left to work away for 6 months during which he emailed everyday. I came back and he kind of changed his mind about commitment but we didn't break it off. Eventually we became a couple and a strong one.

 

He really was my best friend.

 

He started with this girl in the same way, the emails, keeping it quiet at first, but then he fast tracked their relationship to what we had. He really does seem smitten with her.

 

Maybe I was too demanding and insecure and he just wants to be carefree and a more confident woman.

[Redhead14]

We met in the pub I worked in. Then his friend got us talking and it started from there.

 

He said that he always had eyes for me and told his friends he was going to marry me one day.

 

We hooked up, but I left to work away for 6 months during which he emailed everyday. I came back and he kind of changed his mind about commitment but we didn't break it off. Eventually we became a couple and a strong one.

 

He really was my best friend.

 

He started with this girl in the same way, the emails, keeping it quiet at first, but then he fast tracked their relationship to what we had. He really does seem smitten with her.

 

Maybe I was too demanding and insecure and he just wants to be carefree and a more confident woman.

 

Time will only tell for those two. Just about everyone seems smitten with a new dating partner in the very beginning. They don't really know each other yet.

 

He's probably feeling some pain from the break up and right now he's "distracted" from it. He may reach a point where the veil drops and he starts struggling with all this. We don't know.

 

he just wants to be carefree -- If that is the case, she may find it difficult to get a commitment from him too . . .

 

Just start focusing on YOU and keep connected to your friends and family. Be good to yourself.

[Lizabigs]

You know way to much. I never even once looked at my ex's personal life.. "ex'' but he wrote to me on other websites to give me closure and I didn't want it but he forced it on me.. If you went looking for it then that is one thing. If you looked into his personal life! where he was then you deserve the pain that came.. But it's done, you know way to much!

 

Best way to look at this - There are a million people on this planet. I know that most people don't get this but you and your problems are only big to you. Compared to the world, there are so many people who are beautiful and successful and can take you out in a dime and her and your boyfriend. That's the truth..

 

If someone said to me "make yourself a better option" a few years ago rather then "I found a better option" I don't think id be this damaged but the truth is make yourself a better option and find better. Not today.. Don't go to the bar and try to find someone else. Go to Italy or somewhere and find that perfect man! find a better man.. Your ex found better then you so leave it alone and let it go .. come talk to us but it's done and you will find better!

[Lizabigs]

There is better but you have to be better. One day, you can wake up and feel like "this is my life and I love it" but how are you going to feel that one day if you are constantly seeing he's got her and she's better now.. Well, to her, she's better! good on you. you weren't his only love (mind you most people don't find one, they settle for one) and that's it. He's perfect for her and to her. So what! you have to find yourself as long and hard as it takes and go for better on your own so when you do date .. It's the best experience!

[tenderheart27]

You know way to much. I never even once looked at my ex's personal life.. "ex'' but he wrote to me on other websites to give me closure and I didn't want it but he forced it on me.. If you went looking for it then that is one thing. If you looked into his personal life! where he was then you deserve the pain that came.. But it's done, you know way to much!

 

Best way to look at this - There are a million people on this planet. I know that most people don't get this but you and your problems are only big to you. Compared to the world, there are so many people who are beautiful and successful and can take you out in a dime and her and your boyfriend. That's the truth..

 

If someone said to me "make yourself a better option" a few years ago rather then "I found a better option" I don't think id be this damaged but the truth is make yourself a better option and find better. Not today.. Don't go to the bar and try to find someone else. Go to Italy or somewhere and find that perfect man! find a better man.. Your ex found better then you so leave it alone and let it go .. come talk to us but it's done and you will find better!

 

 

I agree that I know way too much and that it caused me great pain...a mix of asking and just being in the wrong place. Maybe in the long run its a good thing as I clearly understand how much he has moved on.

The difficulty I have was him telling me he wanted to be alone, etc, only to find such a similar girl. Was I not good enough?

 

I have since seen a therapist to try and further help myself.

 

I just feel a little grey. Is it best to carry on with no contact?

[Satu]

snip

Your focus is all wrong. You need to worry about you, and not them.

 

 

I like to put it this way:

 

"Care about yourself by not caring about them."

 

 

Take care.

[Been]

He used you. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. I've been in the same boat as you.

And he started seeing her before you were broken up.

[tenderheart27]

snip

 

 

I like to put it this way:

 

"Care about yourself by not caring about them."

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you Satu. Do you think things don't work out for a reason? I'm not sure about fate? I feel like I got him ready for his girlfriend. She just fell into place

I always struggled to care for myself, I would rather look out for others and make sure they are happy. I am working on this.

[Satu]

Thank you Satu. *Do you think things don't work out for a reason? I'm not sure about fate? I feel like I got him ready for his girlfriend. She just fell into place

I always struggled to care for myself, I would rather look out for others and make sure they are happy. I am working on this.

 

Yes, I definitely do.

 

We don't know the ultimate purpose of everything that happens in our lives, but every experience we have adds to our understanding of ourselves.

 

Its easier to see the meaning retrospectively.

 

I am a subscriber to the 'Amor Fati' way of looking at my life.

 

 

"Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity."

 

 

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer."

 

- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

It is important to note that Nietzsche in this context refers to the "Yes-sayer", not in a political or social sense, but as a person who is capable of uncompromising acceptance of reality per se.

 

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

He didn't spend time with your family in four years? That's extraordinary! Were there any other ongoing issues in the relationship?

 

I know it's all in the past now, but sometimes looking back with more clarity can help you move on. And grow and learn for future relationships.

[Redhead14]

Spend a little time reflecting on the relationship and the times when you were feeling insecure, some of his "flaws", etc. You're blaming yourself for perhaps not being perfect. Think about the times when he's been less than perfect for you. I'd say that when his feelings started waning, you sensed a change, a difference, etc. Don't just think about all the good things. But, don't dwell on all this either.

[tenderheart27]

He didn't spend time with your family in four years? That's extraordinary! Were there any other ongoing issues in the relationship?

 

I know it's all in the past now, but sometimes looking back with more clarity can help you move on. And grow and learn for future relationships.

 

Sorry I maybe didn't phrase this in the best way. He did spent time with me and would with my family but it wasnt something i felt he enjoyed doing...like he didnt want to. I think he just felt he had too. I've always had a difficult relationship with my mum and this still gets me tense thinking of visiting and we live so close.

Maybe in hindsight he was not keen on my family? my family is chaotic and not the smoothest. No other issues that I dont think are anything out of the ordinary on his behalf... his lack of help around the house, etc.

It also took him a long time to introduce me, whereas ive already seen them altogether (we really live in a very small town, one supermarket, one bank, one street, etc) how come he wants her to be introduced so quickly?

 

I put a lot of this on me as I dont think I gave him enough space when he needed it. I guess i got caught up in loving him too much and didnt see that he didnt feel as strongly. a case of 'love is blind' maybe?

although he seems to be glued to his new girlfriend so im a little confused.

 

I really enjoyed seeing his family and still talk to them when i see them, they were/are always so nice to me.

Edited December 6, 2016 by tenderheart27

[tenderheart27]

I also don't feel angry at the situation, even though he left me. Just very sad that he did. I felt a deeper connection.

 

Still now I don't feel angry. I know we had bad times, but i was aware this was a real relatiosnship. We had so many good times and made each other laugh stupid.

 

My sister was visiting with her 2 kids and husband and he broke the news on the last day of their visit, when we were in bed. I was telling him how great he had been putting up with them (had been visiting for 3 weeks). He later said he hadn't felt 'in love' for the past 3 weeks. Its hurtful because I know longer know what was real. We were still having sex, etc, but i was so focused on my sister visiting that i didnt pay him very much attention during those weeks.

 

Could that have furthered his decision? or was he always going to end it?

[tenderheart27]

I was thinking of messaging my ex today.

 

Something along the lines of...

 

Hello, hope you have found more work today.

I know I didnt handle the end very well, I guess you do act stupid

when your upset, i would just not like to think this defined who we were together.

It was good seeing you yesterday, wish your mum and aunty a merry christmas from me.

 

What does everyone think?