Struggling to understand how I meant nothing

[kidm]

I was thinking of messaging my ex today.

 

Something along the lines of...

 

Hello, hope you have found more work today.

I know I didnt handle the end very well, I guess you do act stupid

when your upset, i would just not like to think this defined who we were together.

It was good seeing you yesterday, wish your mum and aunty a merry christmas from me.

 

What does everyone think?

 

Please don't. It may be therapeutic to write it but don't send it. You're trying to rehash the past and he has moved on. You should really focus on your healing and moving on. Continue to see therapist to help you work through the emotions/feelings. It's hard but hopefully doable for you. I doubt he is thinking about the breakup and how you acted. He has a new girlfriend and is getting on with his life. You should do the same. Best wishes.

[tenderheart27]

Do you think no matter how bad the break up it doesn't matter to him anymore?

I just feel like nothing meant anything to him. I am replacable and the way I acted during the break up means the grass is definitely greener for him.

[tenderheart27]

Please don't. It may be therapeutic to write it but don't send it. You're trying to rehash the past and he has moved on. You should really focus on your healing and moving on. Continue to see therapist to help you work through the emotions/feelings. It's hard but hopefully doable for you. I doubt he is thinking about the breakup and how you acted. He has a new girlfriend and is getting on with his life. You should do the same. Best wishes.

 

I saw him again today. Hes buying his new girlfriend some sunglasses to match his. I bought him his to match mine.

 

Why do people go for such similar personalities? it hurts alot.

[DarrenB]

Do you think no matter how bad the break up it doesn't matter to him anymore?

I just feel like nothing meant anything to him. I am replacable and the way I acted during the break up means the grass is definitely greener for him.

 

He's with someone else now, he's not invested in your whatsoever. It's the brutal truth but you have to realise and accept that. If you don't, you will just continuously make wrong decisions and prevent yourself from moving on from this. Do you really want that? If so, then go ahead and make contact, for no apparent reason, in an attempt to get him back. It sadly will not work.

 

Making contact isn't going to help the situation. You must focus on yourself, not about what he's doing, nothing to do with him. It's still fresh I understand, but you must obliterate these emotions and begin healing now, otherwise you'll torment yourself for much longer. Do not put yourself through it.

[whatdeww18]

I am going through exactly the same situation.

We had been together 5 years and my family had just come to visit.

We were about to move into a new flat together and had already talked about marriage.

I feel as though I put too much pressure on him.

Anyway he broke up with me as we were in bed, and I asked him to take time out and really thing about it (I had no idea about the girl at work he had already lined up) he was very stressed at work and it made me stressed and we forgot to look after each other.

I didnt handle the break and break up very well at all. In the end he ended it via message. He didnt help sort any of our joint affairs and much like ShannonM10 he didnt cheat on my physically but emotionally he had already moved on. They have already been on a 1 month long holiday together and are planning to move away next year. (we live in a small town, and everyone knows everyone and their business)

Its been about 4 months since the break up and I cannot get past it.

We were very stressed out at the time with our jobs etc . I just wondered if your ex is still with the person she broke it off for? He wants to always feel the buzz and i know he acting like when he first met me but with her. Very flirty and wanting her sexually. I am not sure how to take it all, is he in love already?

 

I have really struggled with everything as he really did break my heart. He completely ignores me now. I feel very replaced. Everything we had set out he is now doing with her.

 

Is there any point in thinking he will talk to me ever again?Our break up wasnt the cleanest, but im hoping over time he may forget about the little details, like i am now finding.

 

Also I saw him today. I was talking to our mutual friends at the pub and he came to sit with us. I dont think he realised i was there. He didnt look at me once, he did say hi to the group though.

 

Does he think/feel anything for me?

 

 

I actually find myself in a very similar situation as you tenderheart. Although I am missing some information, it seems like he got cold feet. I am going to shy away from the word that everyone hates and go around it by describing what he has done. What I mean by cold feet is that he doesn't seem like he is ready for all the commitment that was happening. How old are you and he, if you don't mind my asking. The best thing to do, in all reality, is CUT OFF ALL POSSIBLE CONTACT. I see that you live close, so the best is low contact. You can still say hi, no need for the cold shoulder. But this is the time for you to heal. Yes, I understand how much this hurts. I was just dumped 10 days ago. But, we have to get back up on our feet. That doesn't mean we won't stumble and fall back on the ground, just means we have to have the courage to get back up each time, ya know? The thing is, through all this, he may find that commitment to you is what he really wanted but needed to figure that out himself. Otherwise, he might have resented you for making him do something he wasn't entirely sure of. Not sure if that makes sense, but it did when I wrote it hahaha. Keep your head high I want you to accept that he may not come back, it will hurt like a *****. But this is for you to heal, and the faster you do this, the better. If he comes back, and you still want to give it a go, happily ever after (I would be very, very, very wary of anything shy of 6 months to a year)! If not, you WILL find someone that will treat you the way you deserve.

But seriously, just try and take each day as you slowly moving on.

DO NOT MESSAGE HIM. DO NOT STALK HIM ON FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, WHATEVER ELSE THERE IS.

THIS IS FOR YOU TO HEAL.

SLAP YOURSELF EACH TIME YOU WANT TO LOOK AT HIS PICTURES (this is what I've done, feels like half my face should be bruised now )

 

-whatDEWWWWWW

Edited December 7, 2016 by whatdeww18

[tenderheart27]

What I mean by cold feet is that he doesn't seem like he is ready for all the commitment that was happening. How old are you and he, if you don't mind my asking

 

I think you are right and he wasnt ready for commitment. he is 34 and im 27.

But if he wasnt ready for commitment how come he could get into another relationship so quickly and start a new life away with the new girl? Someone so similar and that he just wants to replicate the same thing we had at the begining but she is being fast tracked.

 

I have taken my facebook off and he isnt very big on social media so that bit its easy. Its switching it off in my head that isnt.

[DarrenB]

 

But if he wasnt ready for commitment how come he could get into another relationship so quickly and start a new life away with the new girl?

 

 

Because it's what people do and enjoy doing. One person always feel more romantically invested than the other. You soon realise the attachment and 'love' was never really there, it became obsolete.

[tenderheart27]

so only time will tell with his new relationship

[Redhead14]

What I mean by cold feet is that he doesn't seem like he is ready for all the commitment that was happening. How old are you and he, if you don't mind my asking

 

I think you are right and he wasnt ready for commitment. he is 34 and im 27.

But if he wasnt ready for commitment how come he could get into another relationship so quickly and start a new life away with the new girl? Someone so similar and that he just wants to replicate the same thing we had at the begining but she is being fast tracked.

 

I have taken my facebook off and he isnt very big on social media so that bit its easy. Its switching it off in my head that isnt.

 

I doubt he has "committed" to her. She may find herself in the same boat you are -- four years from now he'll tell her he isn't in love anymore. She isn't being "fast-tracked", it's just the beginning where endorphins are high and it's still new. Fast-tracked would be if he moved in with her and asked him to marry him. If he's done all this, he's just nuts.

 

And, by the way, relationships that develop very quickly, usually burn out quickly as well.

[tenderheart27]

Fast-tracked would be if he moved in with her[/b]

 

They are moving away to live and work together after Christmas, it feels very fast to me.

 

i think there are days when the heart ache isn't as bad as it used to be. its the friend ache that makes it all so hard.

 

I really miss my friend, i just want to talk to him every day still. I guess he was my best friend so the blow is even worse

Edited December 7, 2016 by tenderheart27

[tenderheart27]

He is really in love with this person.

Im struggling so much at the moment.

[DarrenB]

He is really in love with this person.

Im struggling so much at the moment.

 

You need to stop analyzing the situation, him, occupying your thoughts with nothing but him. You know it's not doing you any good, it's causing you harm and preventing you from progressing in life without him.

 

Most commonly, there are 5 stages during the process/aftermath of a breakup:

 

- Denial

- Anger

- Bargaining

- Depression

- Acceptance

 

Take each day as it comes. Document your emotions if you have to, reason with your feelings. Figure out at most moments where you stand in these stages and use it as a stepping stone.

[tenderheart27]

thanks DarrenB.

 

I am stuck at deppression.

[whatdeww18]

Sorry for taking so long tenderheart!

Well, I don't know your ex too well but at the age of 34, I would imagine he has had his fair of share of women or could be the commitment thing. So I have been gathering as many resources from my breakup and others. I don't want to give you false hope which is why I am telling you to try and move on (I KNOW IT IS THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD). Sometimes, I feel like it would be nice to bang my head into that bathroom wall for a bit. And it seems we are the type to over analyze even the slightest words and actions. Don't do it. Seriously. I have done it from day 1 of the break up to even me breaking no contact and analyzing what was said. It will make us crazy and our grey hairs will come faster. Since you and I seem very similar, and at least for now, I like to analyze things which clears my head for a couple hours, until I go on to analyze something else (I've been reading and focusing on exercising and school to help keep my mind off things which has become easier by 2 weeks post break up). So I'm wishing you the best with time. So here's what I think:

He's in a rebound relationship/exploring relationships as a mechanism to run away from the impending problem that he must face: to settle down for what should be forever or not settle down. From what I've read in rebound relationships, the one rebounding typically thinks they are in love, even more so than his/her past relationship. However, after the honeymoon phase and the excitement wears down, typically 3-5 months, faults come to surface. He will face the reality of having to love someone past the honeymoon phase, past the excitement. At this point, your ex will do one of three options. A) Pursue this relationship and ignore the problem. B) Break it off and find another rebound. C) Break it off and actually face the problem.

From what I've been realizing after this break up is that you never really know a person and what circumstances can do to them. Please, please, as a fellow dumpee, don't let him put you off like this and try your best to stop analyzing and move on. If he comes back, in a few months, then you can rejoice if you still feel that you want a life with him. Don't be wasting your precious time and beauty waiting for a guy that IS CURRENTLY NOT allowing you to appreciate this. This will get better in time and just find what helps you cope for now. Don't hang onto hope for too long, it makes it really hard, trust me.

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[tenderheart27]

He's in a rebound relationship/exploring relationships as a mechanism to run away from the impending problem that he must face: to settle down for what should be forever or not settle down. From what I've read in rebound relationships, the one rebounding typically thinks they are in love, even more so than his/her past relationship. However, after the honeymoon phase and the excitement wears down, typically 3-5 months, faults come to surface.

 

thanks whatdeww18

 

I am focusing on myself, but i agree it sounds like we are very similar minded and over analyze everything.

 

They have been together since he dumped me 4 months ago and he is spending the holidays with her and then they are moving away together. This does not seem like a rebound to me, like you say he seems even more in love now than ever.

I am also moving away for a bit in the hopes that it will give me more to think about.

[elaine567]

I don't think his new relationship is a rebound.

He had emotionally moved on and it was his decision to break up with the OP. He probably checked out weeks, months, years before he plucked up enough courage to split. His new "love" gave him that courage.

 

A rebound occurs when the person has not moved on, but is grabbing the first person available to heal their broken heart/cure their loneliness/ show the dumper they are "over" him/her..

Rebounds fall apart often pretty quickly when the hurt person realises the new person is NOT their ex and the new relationship is NOT what they really want; they are still hung up on their ex.

 

I guess his new relationship has the same odds of failing/succeeding as any other relationship.

[tenderheart27]

I don't think his new relationship is a rebound.

He had emotionally moved on and it was his decision to break up with the OP. He probably checked out weeks, months, years before he plucked up enough courage to split. His new "love" gave him that courage.

 

A rebound occurs when the person has not moved on, but is grabbing the first person available to heal their broken heart/cure their loneliness/ show the dumper they are "over" him/her..

Rebounds fall apart often pretty quickly when the hurt person realises the new person is NOT their ex and the new relationship is NOT what they really want; they are still hung up on their ex.

 

I guess his new relationship has the same odds of failing/succeeding as any other relationship.

 

Yes I don't think it's a rebound, just find it odd he has gone for someone so similar. I have seen a photo and she even looks a little like me.

[whatdeww18]

Tenderheart hahaha I think we are very similar! Wonder how we would get along with a few bottles of wine hahahaha!

 

Again, I don't know everything and I am just analyzing from a third perspective. But if I were a gambler I would still say it is a rebound whether he or you notice it. Yes it's been 4 months, and he probably did check out of the relationship before breaking up with you, however, that is no where near enough time to get over you.

 

Really, I'm looking at this from a psychology viewpoint. The average time it takes for anyone to get over an ex is said to be around half the relationship time. Of course your ex may be a special case where he is really over it. My guesses are that he may think he's over his emotions with you, or like I said earlier, he's burying his emotions with the new relationship. Also, guys tend to "think" that we can get our emotions together, and move on, when in reality, we just ran away from them. Additionally, why I say this is a rebound? Seems to be moving extremely quickly? Loves her more than you at 4 months? Pshhhhh.... Moving in together after a measly 4 months? Red flags of moving too quickly!

 

But then again, this is me just analyzing and not knowing your ex well enough to say this for certain haha! I've been juggling whether I am bitter towards my ex and just throw it all under the bus... But either way I am improving myself day by day. Hope you can see it in yourself! Good luck with the move and remember to keep that head held high!

[tenderheart27]

Tenderheart hahaha I think we are very similar! Wonder how we would get along with a few bottles of wine hahahaha!

 

Again, I don't know everything and I am just analyzing from a third perspective. But if I were a gambler I would still say it is a rebound whether he or you notice it. Yes it's been 4 months, and he probably did check out of the relationship before breaking up with you, however, that is no where near enough time to get over you.

 

Really, I'm looking at this from a psychology viewpoint. The average time it takes for anyone to get over an ex is said to be around half the relationship time. Of course your ex may be a special case where he is really over it. My guesses are that he may think he's over his emotions with you, or like I said earlier, he's burying his emotions with the new relationship. Also, guys tend to "think" that we can get our emotions together, and move on, when in reality, we just ran away from them. Additionally, why I say this is a rebound? Seems to be moving extremely quickly? Loves her more than you at 4 months? Pshhhhh.... Moving in together after a measly 4 months? Red flags of moving too quickly!

 

But then again, this is me just analyzing and not knowing your ex well enough to say this for certain haha! I've been juggling whether I am bitter towards my ex and just throw it all under the bus... But either way I am improving myself day by day. Hope you can see it in yourself! Good luck with the move and remember to keep that head held high!

 

i thought i knew him, but i never predicted all of this. I know he is pinning for his new girlfriend and they joke about marriage etc.

 

I saw him today in our local pub. From my perspective, I know I have lost him. My heart truly aches as he will never look at me in that way again.

 

I cannot be bitter about someone who made me the happiest I have been in my life.

[tenderheart27]

last night my heart started to ache again.

it felt like it had happened yesterday. Does anyone experience these aches?

 

I am getting nervous about moving to a new place and starting a new job. Is this just running away?

 

He says to our friends that it's the 'happiest he has ever been' with anyone.

 

Was i so bad? I truly considered him my best friend.

[DarrenB]

last night my heart started to ache again.

it felt like it had happened yesterday. Does anyone experience these aches?

 

I am getting nervous about moving to a new place and starting a new job. Is this just running away?

 

He says to our friends that it's the 'happiest he has ever been' with anyone.

 

Was i so bad? I truly considered him my best friend.

 

Oh every single day for the past 120 days It's really just irritating, somewhat haunting and tormenting on a level.

 

It's not, no. It's an opportunity for you to start a fresh, and perhaps even begin a new healing process when that time comes.

 

What we consider people to be to us, can be entirely different on how we reflect to them, in an instant. We are oblivious to know and understand, unfortunately we're left without any real answers. The sooner you begin to just realise, it's better that way.

[tenderheart27]

[]

 

I am happy if he is happy, just sad that I could not be that person, as he made me very happy. a happiness i had yet to experience with anyone else.

 

I found it very hard to let anyone in, and the fact that I let him in for him to break my heart just makes me sad.

 

I am not bitter towards him or his new girlfriend. I just struggle to understand, when there is no answer.

 

I have put in all the steps to move forward and acting them out a day at a time, its sometimes more of an uphill battle for me thats all.

Edited December 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to banned member ~6

[whatdeww18]

Hi Tenderheart,

glad to hear you are moving on slowly but surely.

We all make mistakes in a relationship and it's all we see and try to understand the reason for the break up.

IT IS NOT EASY, I feel like killing a puppy would be easier than moving on, jeez. Not really, maybe? But finding that reason for the break up doesn't make it any easier. Try to embrace the move with an open perspective and who knows what it might hold, right? And now you have another friend that will be here to at least you give you some support in your move and wish you the best

 

Best of luck,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[tenderheart27]

Hi Tenderheart,

glad to hear you are moving on slowly but surely.

We all make mistakes in a relationship and it's all we see and try to understand the reason for the break up.

IT IS NOT EASY, I feel like killing a puppy would be easier than moving on, jeez. Not really, maybe? But finding that reason for the break up doesn't make it any easier. Try to embrace the move with an open perspective and who knows what it might hold, right? And now you have another friend that will be here to at least you give you some support in your move and wish you the best

 

Best of luck,

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Thanks Whatdewwww - moving on and patching up my heart is the hardest thing i have ever encountered!

 

Thanks for all the help and support on here, it has made things a little easier

[thajake]

Same situation here, my ex is having best time with his ex, engaged I heard, after 1 month , love or crazy who knows.

But I know one thing , As soon as there is break up if after first 30 days you don't have any reconciliation than you have to start saving yourself as he is on the other side of the break up and during his honeymoon, so there is no way you can convince him of anything, anything you will do will work against you best is to do nothing and save yourself. You can't make somebody love you, thats why we say "to fall in love " , unexpected and without control. Whether he will miss you or not time will show. I would not hope as its just waste of your precious time.

Do not chase , do not look at Facebook, block all, hide or delete or photos. Give his tel to your friend tell them not to give you for 4 months. All normal things to maintain no contact , to save yourself. Enjoy the pain grow stronger.

 

If you love him let him go and wish him best. Your love will be always there but you need to move on. Maybe one day you will reconcile but likely it will be for him too late. I am 90 days after break up and it was shock for me too. I am nearly end and feels just as amazing. We are with you!!!